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RE: Completely fooled... - 2/21/2009 6:17:00 PM

WyldHrt

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Joined: 6/5/2008
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Breakup via email. Nice.
Still, better than the way my ex did it. I got home from work one day to find the neighbor standing on my doorstep holding divorce papers. The chickenshit had moved out while I was at work.

I could have let it make me into a bitter, man-hating bitch, but there was no way I was going to give him that kind of power over me. That was 6 months ago, and today I'm happier than I've been in years. Give yourself some time to grieve, then get on with your life. As has been said, the best revenge is living well.

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Post #: 21

RE: Completely fooled... - 2/21/2009 6:18:05 PM

heartcream

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From: Psychoalphadiscobetabioaquadoloop
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I dont think 'leaving' will protect you, dickwads abound all over the tracks not just in 'kinkyville'.

Sorry he let you down like that, that is a rough way to dump someone. He is an example of dickwaddary. Be glad he is gone, you can move on, hopefully find someone who shares the same level of integrity as you do.

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Post #: 22

RE: Completely fooled... - 2/21/2009 6:30:44 PM

SailingBum

Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyTeazer

It makes him not honest because he never told Me he was not satisfied, or unhappy, or wanted/needed something in our relationship to change. I asked him any number of times about it, so he had plenty of chances to speak up, but did not. I am a relative newbie at this lifestyle, and he has a number of years of experience (he is a switch). Which he was aware of since we first met. I told him I had no problem with him guiding Me as a dominant when I asked for it, because I wanted to be the best domme I could be to him. he was not honest because by not telling Me what he was thinking and feeling about us, he "chose" to be deceitful and hide his feelings.

As for being fooled, he was affectionate, loving, and playful with Me, as he had always been, right up to the end, when I saw him off as he got on the train to "go help his friend pack and move". he fooled Me into thinking that we were fine as a couple, and that he would be coming back to Me.

To you it may seem that way. I look at it a little different. He didn't lie to you he choose not to disclose his feeling for whatever reason that's a big difference. Shit happens chaulk it up and move on to the next adventure in your life.

BadOne

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Post #: 23

RE: Completely fooled... - 2/21/2009 7:17:06 PM

oceanwynds

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Hi LadyTeazer
A broken heart is difficult especially in the beginning. Some generalizations do feel like reality, but we know inside it is just the pain talking.

For me, I would not jump into any relationship right away. I would want to take time to sort through my thoughts and then go from there.

oceanwynds

(in reply to SailingBum)

Post #: 24

RE: Completely fooled... - 2/21/2009 10:36:21 PM

stella41b

Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
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I'm really sorry for your loss and the sudden ending of your relationship.

But you know what? Where was it written that this was a relationship that was going to last forever? Was it agreed as such? Or did you assume that it was going to last forever?

Yeah right, so did the Beatles, and look what happened. You're feeling deceived, because you were sure that the relationship was okay and lasting much longer than it did. Now it's suddenly over you're shocked, you feel foolish, and you're angry (understandably).

He dumped you by e-mail? It would have been nice to be prepared for this I guess, but perhaps the way he saw it he wanted to spare your feelings an chose what he thought was an e-mail thinking it would have less impact on your feelings. More fool him. But would it have really made that much difference if he showed up at the foot of the stairs with his stuff packed and announced to you face to face that he was leaving? A sudden ened to a relationship is painful, no matter how it is handled.

Okay, so you're hurt and disappointed that the relationship didn't live up to your expectations and last as long as you wanted, and I guess you're angry at him for not giving you any chance to say goodbye or to end the relationship with you face to face.

But you know, the relationship did occur, and for some time it did work out. It lasted for near on two years, during which perhaps you were both happy, right? The relationship was a success, right? He made you happy right? You made him happy right?

Time to learn, is it not? Ever tried to take out an insurance policy on a relationship? You can't, because relationships involve two or more human beings, and the one thing humans are good at being is unpredictable. Therefore relationships are risky and unpredictable, even the long term ones, because humans are unpredictable, and so too is life. So too are feelings, emotions, almost anything you can think of which goes into a relationship, Therefore logically relationships are risky.

Let me share something with you Lady Teazer. I have a domme, Ala, I'm her sub, she turned up here in London Dec 28th, she collared me New Years Day. When she wanted to collar me for life I turned round and I refused to accept her collar. I don't want to break her heart.

I accepted that collar for that day only, and for every day we are together. I wear the collar today, and probably tomorrow. I am honest, I could die tomorrow, my feelings could change, her feelings could change, something could happen. I don't want her to be thinking of what might have been, but what is now. I'm here today, and while I'm here today and wearing her collar I'm also making her happy. I don't know how long I will be wearing this collar, or how long we are going to be together. I guess she doesn't either. But for the time I do have her collar I want her to be happy, for the entire duration I have her collar, whether it's going to be for another month, a year, or for the rest of my life.

Now you can shut out the sunshine, leave the lifestyle, and hide yourself away, but you know, the sun is still going to shine, you will still get those urges, and you're going to find someone new.

Let the boy go, and wish him well and future happiness, even if it hurts. But also please understand that life is short, people leave your life sooner than expected, live your life as if it's about to end, take the happiness now, and rush to love others. Be there for people and let them be there for you, instead of leaving the lifestyle, make friends in the lifestyle. Hugs them a little tighter, spend a little more time with them, love them a little harder.

Don't focus on what you've lost, but on what you've gained. Too bad the relationship didn't last as long as you wanted, but it happened, you have the happy memories.....

..and you got the rest of your life to be living. Be thankful the relationship took place in the first place, let go, move on, and find more happiness.

I wish you well.

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Post #: 25

RE: Completely fooled... - 2/22/2009 2:22:09 AM

TwilightsKitten

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Joined: 2/10/2009
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I'm sorry to hear what happened to you. I know it must hurt. The others that have commented have mentioned a lot of things, and I wish to mention one. Don't let the actions of one person dishearten or discourage you. He is one of many and his actions don't reflect the rest of us guys. He could have handled that better, true, but he is but one of many. Honest guys are out there, some of us perhaps too honest. Take some time for yourself, but don't withdraw completely. There are people out there that are worth it and will make up for all the bad, you just need to hang on and keep looking.

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Post #: 26

RE: Completely fooled... - 2/22/2009 2:30:19 AM

LadyDay1979

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Joined: 1/26/2009
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Oh, I know how you feel. I am not sure why so many men can just spit lies out of their mouths! They couldn't be honest if their life depended on it. Even the ones that seem nice up front tell lies. It has happened to me before and he is on this website right now. I cannot really do anything about it, but there is something called Karma. I just hope he doesn't try to pull games on any other domme!

(in reply to LadyTeazer)

Post #: 27

RE: Completely fooled... - 2/22/2009 2:34:37 AM

LadyDay1979

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Joined: 1/26/2009
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I wanted to say something else too. Sorry, I didnt put it in the other post, but I have used email to communicate that I didn't want to a sub anymore or that we weren't a match. I don't see anything wrong with that. I do have a problem with people being dishonest and stealing from me. Even though it was a bad situation, I still feel that I can learn from a bad experience. It gets better with time.

(in reply to LadyTeazer)

Post #: 28

RE: Completely fooled... - 2/22/2009 2:36:29 AM

LadyDay1979

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Joined: 1/26/2009
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You are so wise!

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Post #: 29

RE: Completely fooled... - 2/22/2009 3:26:21 AM

Prinsexx

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Joined: 8/27/2007
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I felt I must respond again and ay what it feels like from a submissives point of view and as a submissive who has released herself more times than once.
There is something very controlling and in an unhealthy wway about a dom)me)who feels that they own a submissive;s feelings as part of their ownership.I felt I must respond again and ay what it feels like from a submissives point of view and as a submissive who has released herself more times than once.
There is something very controlling and in an unhealthy wat about a do(me) who feels that they own a submissive;s feelings as part of their ownership.
I have been in situations which have felt that I have no right to my own feelings and thaere is a reansition as part of the leaving process where I have practised getting my feelings back. I mean fetting my feelings of being an indepemdent person back whilst leaving the dynamic.
There is something about the way in which I have experienced dominants and that they make it very difficult and uncomfortable to express a point of view. Somehow they managed to have me feel like I needed to shield them from my true feelings and or deflect what I was feeling emotionally. And so U have ledt ny leaving a letter, I have left without warningm I have left by public discloure and I have left whilst promising to go back and never did. I have been the perfect liar.
I have been in situations which have felt that I have no right to my own feelings and thaere is a reansition as part of the leaving process where I have practised getting my feelings back. I mean fetting my feelings of being an indepemdent person back whilst leaving the dynamic.
There is something about the way in which I have experienced dominants and that they make it very difficult and uncomfortable to express a point of view. Somehow they managed to have me feel like I needed to shield them from my true feelings and or deflect what I was feeling emotionally. And so U have ledt ny leaving a letter, I have left without warningm I have left by public discloure and I have left whilst promising to go back and never did. I have been the perfect liar.
So you see this emailing process he is goinf through is more likely to be a corollary of the way you have controlled him Perhaps you did a better job than you are fiving yourself credit for. Perhaps not. Sorry about typos.
Perhaps you could learn from this and have the next relatuionship where the sub felt more able to disclose each step of the way.
It feels rather unhealthy to feel beholden to ones Dominant in this way that disclosure might hurt you. It hurts anyway much of the time.

< Message edited by Prinsexx -- 2/22/2009 3:29:17 AM >

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Post #: 30

RE: Completely fooled... - 2/22/2009 3:29:32 AM

LadyDay1979

Posts: 15
Joined: 1/26/2009
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I am new to this website, but the person that I had a bad experience with just emailed me. I did had to block him and hope that he doesn't contact me again. He thought that it was funny what he did, which I think that he is dangerous. Is there anything that I can do to keep him from harming someone else?

(in reply to LadyTeazer)

Post #: 31

RE: Completely fooled... - 2/22/2009 3:57:45 AM

bamagirl4u

Posts: 151
Joined: 12/25/2008
Status: offline

I am so sorry for your hurt and loss. It hurts to lose someone and well, via e-mail when he lived with you is pretty shoddy imo. You mentioned taking a break--I have done that before and it didn't really help. The feelings and longings are still there and to suppress them just made it worse. I have finally found where I wish to be and I pray it works out, but I know if it doesn't there is a reason. Life is too short, get out there and find the right one!! Best of luck.

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Post #: 32

RE: Completely fooled... - 2/22/2009 4:09:01 AM

AquaticSub

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~Fast Reply~

I am very sorry that this has happened and I know the pain you are going through yet I have to ask... how were you fooled? This was not a two-week relationship. I assume you had happy times and leaving the lifestyle won't prevent people from breaking up with you. It's just a harsh fact of life when it comes to dating - those who love you today may fall out of love with you.

I truly wish you all the best in processing your feelings and getting over this but I urge you not to think of this as being fooled, simply that a chapter in your life has closed and it's time to begin a new one.

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Post #: 33

RE: Completely fooled... - 2/22/2009 4:48:55 AM

LadyTeazer

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Joined: 4/1/2007
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Prinsexx......

What you experienced is the complete opposite of what I had with My boy. I frequently asked him what his thoughts, feelings, needs, desires, opinions and ideas were. I made it perfectly clear to him from the very beginning that I valued his thoughts and feelings, and wanted to know what they were, because they were important to Me. he knew he was free to speak at any time about whatever was on his mind.

Unlike the situations you mentioned you have been in, perhaps that was My mistake -- I did not control him 'enough'. I allowed him too much freedom. Which, if he was not comfortable with, he knew he could talk to Me about at any time.  But he chose not to.

To so completely control a sub as you have been is just soooo not My style. I am most certainly not a control freak. That is too much like work -- and a D/s relationship should be fun and enjoyable.   Yes, I know that it takes effort to maintain a relationship -- vanilla as well as D/s -- but there comes a point where that effort and control becomes "too" much, and the relationship becomes unhealthy.

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RE: Completely fooled... - 2/22/2009 5:55:02 AM

CatdeMedici

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damn, I wish I had 1/10th of your wisdom at times. I don't promise forever, I don't talk of love--I know Me way too well--I talk of today- that I know I can deliver---I can't guarantee tomorrow, nor will I--I will say that today will be memorable. I think that's the problem with relationships in general, we look for the eternity when that happens we think we can relax and be lax--where if its only for today--you work damn hard to make sure today means something and if it doesn't---well its time to move on and after all I didn't promise eternity.

I wonder though if that's shallow, yet its realism according to Me and take it or leave it, its what it is.

I feel for those who believe in eternity, to Me its a crap shoot and seldom do the right numbers come up.

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Post #: 35

RE: Completely fooled... - 2/22/2009 7:49:36 AM

LadyTeazer

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Joined: 4/1/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: CatdeMedici

damn, I wish I had 1/10th of your wisdom at times. I don't promise forever, I don't talk of love--I know Me way too well--I talk of today- that I know I can deliver---I can't guarantee tomorrow, nor will I--I will say that today will be memorable. I think that's the problem with relationships in general, we look for the eternity when that happens we think we can relax and be lax--where if its only for today--you work damn hard to make sure today means something and if it doesn't---well its time to move on and after all I didn't promise eternity.

I wonder though if that's shallow, yet its realism according to Me and take it or leave it, its what it is.

I feel for those who believe in eternity, to Me its a crap shoot and seldom do the right numbers come up.

Me? I have wisdom? I don't feel very wise right about now, but thank you for saying so.

To Me, it's not wisdom, per se, it is just the way I see a relationship and feel towards My partner. Whether he is kink or vanilla.

That, I believe, is why so many relationships fall apart. Once you get to feeling that you have that person for eternity, that's when you think (consciously or unconsciously) "OK, now I've got him/her. I don't have to work at this relationship anymore. The hard part is over with, and I can relax now".

WRONG!!! Once you feel that you will be with your partner for eternity, that is when the work really starts. You both have to put forth the effort to keep the cherished relationship that you have achieved alive and vital and growing. Otherwise, it will die. Just like a plant -- it has to be watered, fed, and cared for, or else it will wither and die.

Yes, finding the right partner is a crapshoot, and the odds are not in your favor. But when you roll the dice and take yet another chance on finding your "one", when the right numbers come up, you are completely thrilled that you have found the one that you really mesh with in every way. And the pain you feel hurts more deeply than you ever have imagined it could when you find that despite your efforts, it ends......

My boy -- damn, My former boy -- is mostly Native American. After we met, we performed a Native American tradition, much akin to a marriage. I took that to mean that he was committed to Me for life, and that we would be together always.......

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Post #: 36

RE: Completely fooled... - 2/22/2009 8:07:39 AM

Prinsexx

Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyTeazer

Prinsexx......

What you experienced is the complete opposite of what I had with My boy. I frequently asked him what his thoughts, feelings, needs, desires, opinions and ideas were. I made it perfectly clear to him from the very beginning that I valued his thoughts and feelings, and wanted to know what they were, because they were important to Me. he knew he was free to speak at any time about whatever was on his mind.

Unlike the situations you mentioned you have been in, perhaps that was My mistake -- I did not control him 'enough'. I allowed him too much freedom. Which, if he was not comfortable with, he knew he could talk to Me about at any time.  But he chose not to.

To so completely control a sub as you have been is just soooo not My style. I am most certainly not a control freak. That is too much like work -- and a D/s relationship should be fun and enjoyable.   Yes, I know that it takes effort to maintain a relationship -- vanilla as well as D/s -- but there comes a point where that effort and control becomes "too" much, and the relationship becomes unhealthy.

Please foregive me LadyTeazer if you felt that I was accruing something to your relationship that was not there. I just felt thaqt there is sometimes a communication chasm across two sides of the whip and that it might help to clarify.
Here are two quite opposite types of control (for example)...
The first is where the Dom(me) constantly assures the sub that hir feelings are inportant. Reinforces this a great deal. Wants to know hir thoughts and feelings. From a submissive's point of view this can sometimes feel like free-fall.
The other extreme would be where a submissive tries to disclose, does disclose only to have their Dom)me) say 'That's not for you to worry about anymore. That's my responsibility.'
Thoughts and feelings do come into that category of what a submissive is entitled to own. Some s-types do respond well by having their anxieties allayed by the Dominat 'owning' those anxieties also.
I am just trying to help here. Perhaps he is already beeginning a relationship or knows of a Domme who forbids him to own conflict. Some submissives do well under these conditions: conditions approaching slavery if that is what you might term it.
But logically: do you now, right now, really need a submissive like this, who, no matter what he suddenly appears to have done, was all along such a closed book?

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Metawhore.... the sound of a metaphore when gagged
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To my stalker:
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Post #: 37

RE: Completely fooled... - 2/22/2009 8:07:45 AM

sweetnurseBBW

Posts: 2464
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From: North Carolina
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The fact that he did this in an email shows he is a coward and you deserve better than that. I am sorry this happened to you, it has happened to me as well. There are honest people out there, it just takes a bit to find them. I wish you luck.

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Post #: 38

RE: Completely fooled... - 2/22/2009 8:30:11 AM

Prinsexx

Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline

I know that it is not acceptable policy to post the same thread on more than one forum. But as to why a submissive might choose to end a relationship this way might have made a hetter question for ask a submissive!
A close friend of mine said that he thinks the world of bdsm is a brutal world... brutal in more ways than one. That it demands brutal honesty at times.
My other feelings about emailing like this is that at least he did not linger and in lingering he did not lit.
Sadly feelings can change and they ca change rapidly and without insight, or rather they change well before we have insight into the reasons why and wherefore.
I have been 'dropped' but looking back? It was the best thing and the best way (always) for something like that to happen. I am somewhat of an emotional masochist so perhaps more than some I have a capacity for actually liking emotional pain. But there is good pain and bad pain and dealing with 'drop' is a skill necessary for longevity in this so-called lifestyle.

< Message edited by Prinsexx -- 2/22/2009 8:31:10 AM >

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Metawhore.... the sound of a metaphore when gagged
Free woman
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To my stalker:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LN2lP_7J7GI&feature=fvwrel

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Post #: 39

RE: Completely fooled... - 2/22/2009 8:32:02 AM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
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It's easy to figure out why people break up via email - they fear confrontation.

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Post #: 40

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