Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

RE: Completely fooled...


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: Completely fooled... Page: <<   < prev  1 2 [3] 4   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
RE: Completely fooled... - 2/22/2009 8:40:03 AM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SailingBum

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyTeazer


It makes him not honest because he never told Me he was not satisfied, or unhappy, or wanted/needed something in our relationship to change.   I asked him any number of times about it, so he had plenty of chances to speak up, but did not.   I am a relative newbie at this lifestyle, and he has a number of years of experience (he is a switch).    Which he was aware of since we first met.  I told him I had no problem with him guiding Me as a dominant when I asked for it, because I wanted to be the best domme I could be to him.  he was not honest because by not telling Me what he was thinking and feeling about us, he "chose" to be deceitful and hide his feelings.

As for being fooled, he was affectionate, loving, and playful with Me, as he had always been, right up to the end, when I saw him off as he got on the train to "go help his friend pack and move".  he fooled Me into thinking that we were fine as a couple, and that he would be coming back to Me.


To you it may seem that way.  I look at it a little different.  He didn't lie to you he choose not to disclose his feeling for whatever reason that's a big difference.   Shit happens chaulk it up and move on to the next adventure in your life.

BadOne


Hmmm... the way I see things... to act as if everything is ok when they aren't is deceptive...it may not be a spoken lie, but it is a deception just the same.

(in reply to SailingBum)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: Completely fooled... - 2/22/2009 8:43:27 AM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyDay1979

I am new to this website, but the person that I had a bad experience with just emailed me. I did had to block him and hope that he doesn't contact me again. He thought that it was funny what he did, which I think that he is dangerous. Is there anything that I can do to keep him from harming someone else?  


If what he did was illegal, report him to the authorities.

(in reply to LadyDay1979)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: Completely fooled... - 2/22/2009 8:51:38 AM   
subtlebutterfly


Posts: 2230
Joined: 6/15/2008
From: Not your hood
Status: offline 		What if he actually wasn't being deceptive (towards you). Perhaps he has been trying to make it work out trying to push thoughts/feelings out of his head, which leads to him being deceiving himSELF.
I know I have done it, and then I had no reason to talk to the person about the problems because I made myself believe everything was right. I was the one living in a lie, guess it can also be called living in denial but one day it just hits you, how stupid you've really been.
If that's the case he may finally have realized he had been living in a lie and felt that the failure in the relationship wasn't amendable so he left.
I'm not saying email is justifiable, but maybe he simply wasn't consciously deceiving you.

(in reply to angelikaJ)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: Completely fooled... - 2/22/2009 9:04:03 AM   
LadyTeazer


Posts: 225
Joined: 4/1/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: angelikaJ

quote:

ORIGINAL: SailingBum

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyTeazer


It makes him not honest because he never told Me he was not satisfied, or unhappy, or wanted/needed something in our relationship to change.   I asked him any number of times about it, so he had plenty of chances to speak up, but did not.   I am a relative newbie at this lifestyle, and he has a number of years of experience (he is a switch).    Which he was aware of since we first met.  I told him I had no problem with him guiding Me as a dominant when I asked for it, because I wanted to be the best domme I could be to him.  he was not honest because by not telling Me what he was thinking and feeling about us, he "chose" to be deceitful and hide his feelings.

As for being fooled, he was affectionate, loving, and playful with Me, as he had always been, right up to the end, when I saw him off as he got on the train to "go help his friend pack and move".  he fooled Me into thinking that we were fine as a couple, and that he would be coming back to Me.


To you it may seem that way.  I look at it a little different.  He didn't lie to you he choose not to disclose his feeling for whatever reason that's a big difference.   Shit happens chaulk it up and move on to the next adventure in your life.

BadOne


Hmmm... the way I see things... to act as if everything is ok when they aren't is deceptive...it may not be a spoken lie, but it is a deception just the same.



Exxxxxxactly the way I see it, angelikaJ.

Acting as if everything is OK when it isn't....
Or not disclosing feelings....
Those may not be considered a "lie" in the pure meaning of the word, but I see it as a 'lie of omission".  And no matter what one calls it, it is still deceitful, dishonest, and very hurtful.  

_____________________________

~LadyTeazer~



"... I can bring you pain, I can bring you sudden pleasure..."


Please, help shelter animals. It will only cost you a few seconds of your time.
http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com/tpc/ERA_110508_ARS
> Thank You!! <

(in reply to angelikaJ)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: Completely fooled... - 2/22/2009 9:17:33 AM   
Prinsexx


Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

It's easy to figure out why people break up via email - they fear confrontation.

I both agree and disagree.. that is to say I welcome confrontation with certain people I know and yes I do fear confrontation with others. I mean fear... because of retribution, because of passive aggression...  mainly I would fear not knowing what was going to happen..


_____________________________

Owner of asterion

Metawhore.... the sound of a metaphore when gagged
Free woman
Resident thread finisher
To my stalker:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LN2lP_7J7GI&feature=fvwrel

(in reply to KatyLied)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: Completely fooled... - 2/22/2009 9:23:38 AM   
slaveluci


Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyTeazer
I seriously wonder if there is even ONE male out there -- vanilla or sub -- who is capable of being honest. 

Yes there is.  At least One I know................luci

_____________________________

To choose a good book, look in an inquisitor’s prohibited list. ~John Aikin

(in reply to LadyTeazer)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: Completely fooled... - 2/22/2009 9:24:59 AM   
slaveluci


Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyTeazer
I do not feel that My integrity has been compromised at all

Don't worry, OP.  It hasn't..  "Integrity compromised" from her question? WTF?................luci

< Message edited by slaveluci -- 2/22/2009 9:25:23 AM >

_____________________________

To choose a good book, look in an inquisitor’s prohibited list. ~John Aikin

(in reply to LadyTeazer)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: Completely fooled... - 2/22/2009 9:34:01 AM   
CallaFirestormBW


Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline 		LadyTeaser, one more thing to think about -- this may not be about -you- at all. The issue may be something intrinsic to this boy you collared, and it may be -his- issues, rather than any dis-satisfaction with you, that caused his departure.

So many times, we take another person's leaving as 'evidence' that we then use against ourselves, swallowing our fears about our own self worth in the same mouthful with the bitterness of the other person's departure. Sometimes, people just need to move along. LOTS of times, they suck at figuring out how to say so. His departure was decidedly cowardly, but it may not be any flaw in you that brought it about. The life he had with you may just have turned out to not be what he thought he was looking for when he agreed... and once he was out for a couple of days, it seemed easier to just bag and run than to go back and try and do the work of sorting out why he wasn't fulfilled in himself now that he had what he thought he'd always wanted.

_____________________________

***
Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

"Your mind is more interested in the challenge of becoming than the challenge of doing." Jon Benson, Bodybuilder/Trainer

(in reply to LadyTeazer)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: Completely fooled... - 2/22/2009 9:34:11 AM   
CatdeMedici


Posts: 2257
Joined: 10/20/2008
Status: offline 		Were you completely fooled, or did it just stop working and you missed the signs?

_____________________________

I am the Cat, holder of the whip and chair.

"Let's see-whips, dips, chains, chips, yep sounds like a party to Me!"

(in reply to LadyTeazer)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: Completely fooled... - 2/22/2009 9:55:03 AM   
SassySarijane


Posts: 1558
Joined: 12/20/2007
From: KC Area Missouri
Status: offline 		LadyTeazer, I am sorry for your pain in going through this. I hope you will not let this keep you down.

I wanted to briefly touch on your comment about wanting to leave the "lifestyle" because of this. Why? The "lifestyle" didn't have a thing to do with the breakup really. It was a relationship thing not a bdsm thing and besides, why give him the satisfaction of driving you away from something that you loved? This could have happened just as easily in a nonbdsm relationship, and similar has to others. Leaving the "lifestyle" won't protect you from this ever happening again.

Find what makes you happy and fulfills you and don't let others take it from you by their actions or words.

_____________________________

Sarah2
Deviant Mind
Wild Side Readers
LPTnB

(in reply to CatdeMedici)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: Completely fooled... - 2/22/2009 10:13:09 AM   
Prinsexx


Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CatdeMedici

Were you completely fooled, or did it just stop working and you missed the signs?

I agree with this....what does your instinct tell you Lady Teazer?
If it wasn't instinctual then what does your intuition tell you?
This is why I say I am not a behaviourist because a person's behaviour is just the final observable outcome of something else, some other deeper dynamic at play. And that was an inner driving force within him perhaps and absolutely nothing to do with how and what he felt within the relationship.
Sometimes, having consented to being owned and signing a contract or wearing a collar to 'prove it' we as submissives appear to fail in our behaviours because for a few moments, a few hours we taste freedom or we are faced with ambivalence or we are forced to make a life choice and we simply need the freedom to do that.
You have no way of knowing if he is or if he isn't regretting his decision right now.
And then again two negatives do not make a positive either. It takes two to tango and two to stop the dance.



_____________________________

Owner of asterion

Metawhore.... the sound of a metaphore when gagged
Free woman
Resident thread finisher
To my stalker:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LN2lP_7J7GI&feature=fvwrel

(in reply to CatdeMedici)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: Completely fooled... - 2/22/2009 10:44:36 AM   
FullfigRIMAAM1


Posts: 1160
Joined: 11/20/2008
Status: offline 		I'm sorry for the loss of your relationship, and his apparent lack of courage to honestly discuss his feelings.  
As for leaving, I think you just need some time to sort yourself out...   Because of course there are decent and honest people, and hopefully in time you will meet one with whom communication will not be one sided or done by omissions.    M

_____________________________

The place to improve the world is first in one's own heart and head and hands.-Robert M. Persig

Love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence Erich Fromm

(in reply to LadyTeazer)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: Completely fooled... - 2/22/2009 11:15:25 AM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline 		Some people can't be honest with themselves and therefore with others, as well.  Of course you feel fooled.  There are a variety of reasons that could have brought you to feel that way.  Being the subject of an email breakup myself, I do find this to be a cowardly way of doing things - fear of confrontation, fear of looking the truth in the eye and facing it, fear of saying the words out loud - either way, there is certainly a lack of courage.

I also know that it's a shock to open up an email and read words that bring your jaw to drop into your lap.  You're left feeling hurt, confused and angry.  The part of this you CAN control, however, is how you deal with it.  You'll likely re-evaluate yourself a bit, and your own part in the relationship, but if you use this evaluation to figure out how to make a future relationship better (as opposed to beating yourself up and falling into a case of wallowing), then you will be able to grow from it. 

Healing takes time, and personally speaking, I don't want to allow fear to deny myself the enjoyment of future possibilities.  Try not to judge any future submissive based on your past submissive.  Don't allow this situation to limit future happiness.  Take some time for yourself - it can take months, even years, for the lessons of what happened to formulate in your mind and heart.  Right now you are stunned so there is no way you can figure it all out.  Time is your friend, and in it you will find your own closure that he can not give you.  Remember to allow yourself to grieve, to be gentle with yourself, but don't let yourself get stuck in it. 

My best wishes to you.


_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.



(in reply to LadyTeazer)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: Completely fooled... - 2/22/2009 11:30:44 AM   
antipode


Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline
quote:

This heartache is making Me think about leaving the lifestyle for good. The pain and the lies are just not worth it.


And you think it is somehow better outside the lifestyle? You are easily fooled.... Seriously, some last, others don't, you chalk it up to experience, and move on - why obsess about it? Why does it bother you so much?

(in reply to LadyTeazer)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: Completely fooled... - 2/22/2009 12:34:58 PM   
scarlethiney


Posts: 492
Joined: 8/22/2008
Status: offline 		I'm sorry your hurting. Ending relationships is heartbreaking. Please don't allow your pride and hurt feelings to make you angry and vengeful.  The only person your anger hurts is you.
He handled  his exit badly. I'm sure he knows this and if he didn't he does now with what you've posted.

In time you will realize that you deserved so much better and  the next time you will make sure you get it. If you can manage to find one thing you learned here and one thing to be grateful for it's amazing how much faster your heart will heal.

I wish you peace.

scarlet


_____________________________

"The words 'I am...' are potent words; be careful what you hitch them to. The thing you're claiming has a way of reaching back and claiming you." - A.L. Kitselman.


see my profile masterkspet

(in reply to LadyTeazer)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: Completely fooled... - 2/22/2009 12:35:14 PM   
LadyTeazer


Posts: 225
Joined: 4/1/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: antipode

quote:

This heartache is making Me think about leaving the lifestyle for good. The pain and the lies are just not worth it.


And you think it is somehow better outside the lifestyle? You are easily fooled.... Seriously, some last, others don't, you chalk it up to experience, and move on - why obsess about it? Why does it bother you so much?




No, I do not think it is better outside of the lifestyle.  If anything, it is worse.  Much worse.

This was the first D/s relationship that I had.  I came to the lifestyle rather late in life, after finally realizing that vanilla just wasn't working, and I needed something else.   After reading about it and talking with kinksters, it was very clear to Me how vital open and honest communication is for a D/s relationship to succeed.  (it is important in a vanilla relationship, too, but moreso here)  Therefore, I thought that things would be different here -- that males would be more honest than "out there".   Hah!!  I had to endure  *8 years*  of liars, players, and wanna-be's before I finally met My boy.   And of course, I was thrilled to have finally met the "one" who made having to go through all those years of crap worthwhile.

You call it being obsessed.  Through My eyes, I see it as a bitter disappointment that the one who I truly thought I could trust to be open and honest with Me turned out not to be.   

And it hurts like hell......



As far as Me being easily fooled,  that might be true.  So how does one develop a "BS" detector?    

_____________________________

~LadyTeazer~



"... I can bring you pain, I can bring you sudden pleasure..."


Please, help shelter animals. It will only cost you a few seconds of your time.
http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com/tpc/ERA_110508_ARS
> Thank You!! <

(in reply to antipode)
Profile   Post #: 56
RE: Completely fooled... - 2/23/2009 12:57:10 PM   
SailingBum


Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

It's easy to figure out why people break up via email - they fear confrontation.


Or they don't want to deal with the whiney bullshit or the worst quesiton "why"

BadOne

_____________________________

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

According to SwithNSpanky
We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

(in reply to KatyLied)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: Completely fooled... - 2/23/2009 12:58:47 PM   
sirsholly


Posts: 42360
Joined: 9/7/2007
From: Quietville
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SailingBum

quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

It's easy to figure out why people break up via email - they fear confrontation.


Or they don't want to deal with the whiney bullshit or the worst quesiton "why"

BadOne
If they have an established relationship, she deserved an answer to "why". Anything less in the act of a coward


_____________________________

PICKED UPON
TECHNO-DOLT
MEMBER OF THE SUBBIE MAFIA
GRACEFULLY CHALLENGED :::::splat:::::
BOOT WHORE
VAA/S FAN

GIVES GOOD HEART (Lushy)

CREATOR OF MAYHEM (practice)


(in reply to SailingBum)
Profile   Post #: 58
RE: Completely fooled... - 2/23/2009 1:04:07 PM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		I personally avoid confrontation whenever possible...  I can understand that kind of motivation.  Still, to just disappear as if a relationship was a holiday fling is just wrong.

I am sorry, LadyTeazer, and I know this is a miserable time for you.  Take the time to regroup, and see what comes next. 

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]



(in reply to KatyLied)
Profile   Post #: 59
RE: Completely fooled... - 2/23/2009 1:16:24 PM   
SailingBum


Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyTeazer

quote:

ORIGINAL: angelikaJ

quote:

ORIGINAL: SailingBum

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyTeazer


It makes him not honest because he never told Me he was not satisfied, or unhappy, or wanted/needed something in our relationship to change.   I asked him any number of times about it, so he had plenty of chances to speak up, but did not.   I am a relative newbie at this lifestyle, and he has a number of years of experience (he is a switch).    Which he was aware of since we first met.  I told him I had no problem with him guiding Me as a dominant when I asked for it, because I wanted to be the best domme I could be to him.  he was not honest because by not telling Me what he was thinking and feeling about us, he "chose" to be deceitful and hide his feelings.

As for being fooled, he was affectionate, loving, and playful with Me, as he had always been, right up to the end, when I saw him off as he got on the train to "go help his friend pack and move".  he fooled Me into thinking that we were fine as a couple, and that he would be coming back to Me.


To you it may seem that way.  I look at it a little different.  He didn't lie to you he choose not to disclose his feeling for whatever reason that's a big difference.   Shit happens chaulk it up and move on to the next adventure in your life.

BadOne


Hmmm... the way I see things... to act as if everything is ok when they aren't is deceptive...it may not be a spoken lie, but it is a deception just the same.



Exxxxxxactly the way I see it, angelikaJ.

Acting as if everything is OK when it isn't....
Or not disclosing feelings....
Those may not be considered a "lie" in the pure meaning of the word, but I see it as a 'lie of omission".  And no matter what one calls it, it is still deceitful, dishonest, and very hurtful.  


We are only hearing one side of this.  She may not have asked the right questions or misread the situation.  To my mind a lie must be spoken,  A lie of omission while I understand your concept is baseless.  More to the point she prolly ignored the signs of trouble.

BadOne

_____________________________

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

According to SwithNSpanky
We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

(in reply to LadyTeazer)
Profile   Post #: 60
Page:   <<   < prev  1 2 [3] 4   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: Completely fooled... Page: <<   < prev  1 2 [3] 4   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.125