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RE: ignoring.. just a question - 2/26/2009 8:13:41 AM

camille65

Posts: 5746
Joined: 7/11/2007
From: Austin Texas
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I see a big difference between:
'Discussed before-hand'
and something simply not even broached in conversation at all.

In the former then I see ignoring being used as a tool, in the latter I see it as nothing to do with abuse but instead a life interruption. To call it abuse in my mind is simply a large leap of the imagination, crying abuse over not talking to someone in a 24 hour time span.

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Post #: 21

RE: ignoring.. just a question - 2/26/2009 8:14:03 AM

NuevaVida

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It depends. One can ignore someone for 5 minutes, 5 hours, 5 days... Short term ignoring is usually just a way of regrouping and dealing with anger. Long term can be damaging. I used to find it very abusive, because of my background. I would be left confused, depressed, and pretty much a mess. These days, as someone else has said, I would receive that kind of treatment as my dominant just not being interested in resolving things, and I'd withdraw and wander away. Life is too short to spend my energy on unproductive games and I have no interest in remaining in a relationship in which I am mistreated.

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Post #: 22

RE: ignoring.. just a question - 2/26/2009 8:20:55 AM

feydeplume

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~FR~

Mariel is a Hebrew girl name. The meaning of the name is `bitter `

hmmm makes ya sort of wonder don't it about all these threads....

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Post #: 23

RE: ignoring.. just a question - 2/26/2009 8:34:53 AM

Phoenixpower

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If someone puts me into a limbo for too long...then well, then it is his loss, as I don't put up with things like that.

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(in reply to MARIEL)

Post #: 24

RE: ignoring.. just a question - 2/26/2009 8:45:53 AM

MissMorrigan

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There seems to be a lot of confusion regarding what is perceived as ignoring a person. Brushing aside the OP's comments and speaking solely from the viewpoint where one has attempted contact with another, but it is being made known (without a discussion before hand and rather as a reactance to behaviour deemed unfavourable) that the dominant is refusing attempts by the submissive to discuss the situation/their behaviour, is far removed from a dominant making it known to a submissive that they need time to themselves, uninterrupted, to regroup, regain their balance/ perspective, or whatever.

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Post #: 25

RE: ignoring.. just a question - 2/26/2009 10:51:13 AM

dreamerdreaming

Posts: 2839
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MARIEL

what do you say about Doms ignoring their sub when gone wrong/done wrong,and put you in limbo for longer time? Is that abuse or can it be correct?

Its a hard limit, for me.

I can't imagine a situation in which I would ever do this to my slaveboy as a punishment. If it came to that, I'd hafta consider releasing him because any slave of mine that I would actually want to ignore would clearly be a mismatch for me.

I expect my slave would feel the same way. We are not in an Owner/slave relationship to be intentionally physically or emotionally distant. We are in this relationship for the exact opposite reasons: to fill our needs for physical and emotional closeness and self-actualization. So to ignore him as a punishment, would defeat that purpose. The whole idea is just abhorrent to me. I would never want us both to suffer like that.

I want the yummy, fun kind of suffering, for him. So I might "ignore" him for very brief periods sometimes, for funishment. For his humiliation and objectification. For example I might put him away for a little while, while I'm busy doing other things. In a box, or the closet, or chain him to the bed, or put him away in another part of the house, or chain him outside... That kind of thing. But never as a punishment. My slave never purposely misbehaves, anyway. We don't have a punishment dynamic.

Mariel, you don't hafta just accept whatever comes along. If you don't like a punishment dynamic, or you won't tolerate being ignored, etc., just make sure people know that up front, so you won't waste time with someone who won't fill your needs. You choose the kind of submission, and the kind of relationship that you want. Don't settle for less. You only have one life, and you have the right to insist on the kind of relationship that will be fullfilling for you.

Suggest you spend some time getting to know yourself better, and what you really need and want out of a relationship, before you waste any more of yours or others' time. Get a clear idea of what will satisfy and fullfill you, and insist on that, rather than just seeing if you fit other people's needs.

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(in reply to MARIEL)

Post #: 26

RE: ignoring.. just a question - 2/26/2009 12:51:25 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
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From: Apple County NY
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If it is effective in getting you to change your behavior without you getting all insecure as a result, then it would be a useful treatment. If it drives a wedge between you, then it is not a good tactic.

Basically, you figure out how you would react to this and talk it over with any prospective dominant.

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Post #: 27

RE: ignoring.. just a question - 2/26/2009 12:58:35 PM

smallspoon

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Joined: 2/18/2009
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quote:

what do you say about Doms ignoring their sub when gone wrong/done wrong,and put you in limbo for longer time? Is that abuse or can it be correct?

quote:

ORIGINAL: MARIEL

~OP~ It's not abuse. It can be neglectful, but being ignored (in my opinion) doesn't come close to actual abuse. You may feel it's an abuse of power, that's something you need to discuss with the other party involved. All too often people use the abuse-card as a way to avoid the reality: something isn't working for one or both parties due to complete lack of communication. I don't find being ignored anything more than punishment. Brutal as it may be at the time ~ it's just another tool some choose to use.

(in reply to MARIEL)

Post #: 28

RE: ignoring.. just a question - 2/26/2009 1:19:31 PM

angelikaJ

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Joined: 6/22/2007
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Mariel,

You come across as someone desperate for attention; desperate to submit to anyone.

It makes sense that ignoring you would drive you crazy.
It makes sense that you would allow him to mistreat you.

In my opinion, it would be a good idea to take a break and get to know yourself...find what your limits are and when you are ready, meet people... and take time to get to know them.

(in reply to smallspoon)

Post #: 29

RE: ignoring.. just a question - 2/26/2009 3:32:55 PM

MARIEL

Posts: 73
Joined: 11/12/2008
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If I asked because I wonder,because of some sit Im in,I wouldve said so, I only asked, because Im curious of views. And not something else. This was a general question. And about l o n g term ingnoring.

(in reply to angelikaJ)

Post #: 30

RE: ignoring.. just a question - 2/26/2009 3:58:22 PM

Lockit

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Joined: 5/7/2007
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LOL... sure it is... just an in general question along with all the other's.

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Post #: 31

RE: ignoring.. just a question - 2/26/2009 4:01:09 PM

angelikaJ

Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
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Mariel,

I apologise if you took offense at my response; I did not mean to insult you or upset your feelings.

When people post questions it is difficult to know if it is actual or hypothetical.

I am not someone who would handle being ignored as a punishment very well.
It would be a hard limit for me.

But if someone is beginning a relationship and that person is unaware of what his/her limits are, it is very hard to set them at the beginning.
This is why I stated it was important to know oneself.

Again, I did not mean to upset you and I am sorry if you felt attacked in my answer.

(in reply to MARIEL)

Post #: 32

RE: ignoring.. just a question - 2/26/2009 5:27:26 PM

SassySarijane

Posts: 1558
Joined: 12/20/2007
From: KC Area Missouri
Status: offline

Just wanted to add, as others have said, I do not see ignoring as abuse. I have been abused and being ignored by the abuser gave me a respite and time to regroup for the next onslaught (sp) of whatever type of abuse he was in the mood to dole out. It was a needed break for me.

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Post #: 33

RE: ignoring.. just a question - 2/26/2009 5:41:27 PM

peppermint

Posts: 5170
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MARIEL

what do you say about Doms ignoring their sub when gone wrong/done wrong,and put you in limbo for longer time? Is that abuse or can it be correct?

My late husband loved that ignoring stuff...and he wasn 't a Dom. He learned the behavior from his father. No one ever know what he was pissed about because he never said. He'd just stop talking to me and the kids and pretend we didn't exist. Last time he did that he didn't speak for 4 weeks, 5 days and I had no idea what the problem was and by then the kids were grown and gone. I finally had enough. One night I tossed everything out of every cupboard, drawer, refrigerator in the kitchen. There was broken glass and food half way up to my knees. He just sat in living room. He brought a neighbor over to see the distruction while I was a work the next morning. She looked at him and asked what he'd done to piss me off that much. He started to talk to me again when I got home from work. Until the day he died we ate off the 4 plates and 3 glasses that survived and kept food on the bottom of the refrigerator as there were no shelves.

He never ever did that ignoring nonsense again.

I won't say if ignoring is abuse or whether it is a good way to handle a problem. However, ignoring will not work with me any longer. I've been there...done that....and will never be there or do that again.

(in reply to MARIEL)

Post #: 34

RE: ignoring.. just a question - 2/26/2009 6:41:47 PM

jstmi

Posts: 85
Joined: 2/15/2008
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i used to hate to be ignored and thought the Dominant was being unreasonably harsh. but i have realized it serves a great purpose. most often it is done to have one think about their actions and to discover for themselves why the ignoring is happening. i put myself now in the Dominants place and know that They will take the time necessary to teach the lesson and do not rush them. remember you do not call the shots - They do, otherwise you are topping from the bottom.. my advice is patience , patience and patience.

jstmi

(in reply to MARIEL)

Post #: 35

RE: ignoring.. just a question - 2/26/2009 9:38:22 PM

MARIEL

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Joined: 11/12/2008
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It is a difficult subject.. especially if you think if the ignoring continues, and go on for months, or all you get in the meantime is a little mice sound. I would never tolerate it,for personal reasons.

(in reply to jstmi)

Post #: 36

RE: ignoring.. just a question - 2/27/2009 2:19:11 AM

kuriouswitch

Posts: 325
Joined: 6/17/2008
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i don't like being ignored. Thankfully Master hasn't done this. I tend to have abandonment issues (nothing new here) so for me being ignored would not be good for me emotionally, it tends to cause me to shut down and rebel rather than learn the lesson he's trying to teach.

(in reply to MARIEL)

Post #: 37

RE: ignoring.. just a question - 2/27/2009 7:46:48 AM

favesclava

Posts: 1608
Joined: 2/15/2007
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i rather have my butt whipped raw than to be ignored by Him. there are some rules that if i were to break i would be sent away and ignored for unknown length of time. i will never be ignored otherwise. if i have a need , a concern, doubts , dreams ,He will listen .

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Post #: 38

RE: ignoring.. just a question - 2/27/2009 8:50:50 AM

MissMorrigan

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Favesclava, all of what you have stated isn't a form of ignoring you as you said that he will listen to you on his terms and that time spent apart is to allow both persons time to reflect and recentre so that each can resume discussion without the emotional head making waves. When Reality and I have a difference of opinion and that can include him behaving in a way I will not tolerate, he is very tenacious, he wants answers immediately and sometimes we can butt heads as a result, when that occurs I need time away from the immediate issue. I never want to make a decision in the heat of the moment when my perception is skewed, so I'll ask him to step away and maintain silence until I decide that we are able to discuss the issue rationally, he respects me enough to do.

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The Tooth Fairy who teaches kids to sell body parts for money.

A free society is a society where it is safe to find one's self unpopular and where history has shown that exceptions are not that exceptional.

(in reply to favesclava)

Post #: 39

RE: ignoring.. just a question - 2/27/2009 9:15:43 AM

LovingMistress45

Posts: 271
Joined: 2/7/2009
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I don't know that I think ignoring is abuse. I don't think it is very good for a relationship. If I ignored someone for months it would mean there was not a relationship. I have used periods of timeout as part of discipline, but he/she knows I am coming back to get them.

(in reply to MissMorrigan)

Post #: 40

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