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is it common.... - 2/26/2009 8:44:33 AM   
MistressStephi


Posts: 5
Joined: 2/25/2009
Status: offline 		for a passive/submissive to constantly say they don't know, when you ask them something? as in their feelings, what they think, want to do etc? Because of this I pretty much try and plan all I can but I'd really like to know if this is common in r/t. 
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RE: is it common.... - 2/26/2009 9:44:00 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		Most people say "I don't know" when they are unable/uncomfortable, voicing what is on their mind.

I am getting from you and your words, alot of insecurity/unsure, in yourself. Look inside yourself, beyond ego, and see if indeed that is the case. If so, your slave/submissive could very well be picking up on that. I've heard/read, over and over again, that it is confidence, self assurance, etc....that subs/slaves need from their dominants.

I think that if you do some self introspection, you may find a lot of the answers to your questions. Figure out what YOU want, what path YOU want to take, and begin to steer yourself and your submissive down it.


_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to MistressStephi)
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RE: is it common.... - 2/26/2009 11:16:55 AM   
FlamingRedhead


Posts: 451
Joined: 3/4/2007
From: Georgia
Status: offline 		Yes, it's very common because passive submissives are usually very uncomfortable making the decisions.  If you ask them where they want to go for dinner, for instance, they probably don't know because they haven't given much thought to it, don't know what you feel like eating, don't know how fancy of a place you want, etc.  They aren't actually thinking about what they want to eat.  They're trying to decide what you'd prefer.....and they don't know!

_____________________________

I'm so addicted to
All the things you do
When you're going down on me
In between the sheets
Or the sound you make
With every breath you take
It's unlike anything
When you're loving me

(in reply to MistressStephi)
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RE: is it common.... - 2/26/2009 12:19:35 PM   
Strangegrrl


Posts: 7
Joined: 2/8/2009
Status: offline 		FlamingRedhead summed it all up for me. I say "I don't know" or "Whatever you want" very frequently because, as far as I'm concerned, my needs don't matter at that moment. It's all about Him. :-)

(in reply to FlamingRedhead)
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RE: is it common.... - 2/26/2009 12:55:09 PM   
allthatjaz


Posts: 2878
Joined: 8/20/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Strangegrrl

FlamingRedhead summed it all up for me. I say "I don't know" or "Whatever you want" very frequently because, as far as I'm concerned, my needs don't matter at that moment. It's all about Him. :-)

quote:

.


but actually its not. As far as he's concerned its all about you.

Personally it just frustrates me when any individual can't make a decision. I see it as so un-giving, shows lack of will and the important connection I look for in a long term relationship. I have had subs like this in the past but they bore me and quickly just turn into a body.

Steve (Partner of jaz)



< Message edited by allthatjaz -- 2/26/2009 12:56:12 PM >

_____________________________

S&M (Steve and Maria) persona libre de convencionalismos


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RE: is it common.... - 2/26/2009 1:39:01 PM   
RealSub58


Posts: 1073
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: FlamingRedhead

Yes, it's very common because passive submissives are usually very uncomfortable making the decisions. 


and their feelings. 
 
(I am going to make a generalization so don't jump on me for gosh sake)
Men have difficulty verbalizing and expressing feelings.

(in reply to FlamingRedhead)
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RE: is it common.... - 2/26/2009 3:29:43 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressStephi

for a passive/submissive to constantly say they don't know, when you ask them something? as in their feelings, what they think, want to do etc? Because of this I pretty much try and plan all I can but I'd really like to know if this is common in r/t. 

Has it occurred to you that it's possible that the person you're dealing with doesn't know how to describe their feelings?  How many emotions can the sub name? 


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to MistressStephi)
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RE: is it common.... - 2/26/2009 3:37:19 PM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline 		There are several self-help relationship books that provide communication exercises for couples.  These books are mostly written for male/female vanilla couples, but that is irrelevant.  You are asking questions about fundamental communication, not about lesbian relationships or D/s relationships.

Here's a link to simple examples of communication exercises.
http://www.soulwork.net/projects/couple%20_exercise_1.htm

I would suggest you assign your sub to do research -- online, library, bookstores, whatever's best -- to come up with some simple exercises you could do together.  Then, do them.


_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to LadyPact)
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RE: is it common.... - 2/26/2009 4:25:57 PM   
OneMoreWaste


Posts: 910
Joined: 8/24/2008
Status: offline 		It's pretty common, and equally common for Dommes to loathe it. 

_____________________________

-and the few still remember passion over rage-

(in reply to RedMagic1)
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RE: is it common.... - 2/26/2009 4:52:23 PM   
CatdeMedici


Posts: 2257
Joined: 10/20/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressStephi

for a passive/submissive to constantly say they don't know, when you ask them something? as in their feelings, what they think, want to do etc? Because of this I pretty much try and plan all I can but I'd really like to know if this is common in r/t. 

Has it occurred to you that it's possible that the person you're dealing with doesn't know how to describe their feelings?  How many emotions can the sub name? 



or maybe they don't care.

_____________________________

I am the Cat, holder of the whip and chair.

"Let's see-whips, dips, chains, chips, yep sounds like a party to Me!"

(in reply to LadyPact)
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RE: is it common.... - 2/26/2009 5:06:30 PM   
frazzle121


Posts: 116
Joined: 3/28/2007
Status: offline 		I'm glad someone pointed that out. 

I really struggle to verbalise what im feeling, given time and space i can sometimes type it out, but is going to take a hell of a lot of transalting by anyone else.

Anyone that knows me well though, knows this and gives me the time etc i need and accepts that sometimes its just not doable.

(in reply to LadyPact)
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RE: is it common.... - 2/26/2009 5:54:07 PM   
RainydayNE


Posts: 978
Joined: 10/21/2008
Status: offline 		i tend to do that, and i'm trying to stop because i think it frustrates him
i do it because i'm uncomfortable saying what is on my mind.
he's not the sort to go "oh my god you're insane for saying/doing that!" but i'm used to people doing it soooo yeah

"i dunno" is a way to defer =p

(in reply to frazzle121)
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RE: is it common.... - 2/26/2009 8:40:28 PM   
curiousINct


Posts: 85
Joined: 8/18/2008
Status: offline 		I have done, and still do this, a lot. It often takes me time to be able to process something enough to put it into words,  then there are times when I just can't get the words out b/c I'm uncomfortable saying them and the times when I honestly don't know - everything so far has been new. If you are talking to someone about a new experience, it's possible they *really* don't know how they feel, or what they want.

Although there have had to be times when he's been frustrated, he's shown nothing but patience and the awkwardness I felt has begun to fade. If this is someone you feel is worth pursuing, a little patience may go a long way.

(in reply to RainydayNE)
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RE: is it common.... - 2/26/2009 8:46:32 PM   
slaveluci


Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressStephi

for a passive/submissive to constantly say they don't know, when you ask them something? as in their feelings, what they think, want to do etc?

Not in this house.  If I don't know what I'm feeling/thinking/wanting/needing, etc. then who in the world does?  When He asks questions, He expects honest answers.  Saying "I don't know" would be evasive and/or dishonest in most cases so I simply don't do it................luci

_____________________________

To choose a good book, look in an inquisitor’s prohibited list. ~John Aikin

(in reply to MistressStephi)
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RE: is it common.... - 2/26/2009 8:51:33 PM   
catize


Posts: 3020
Joined: 3/7/2006
Status: offline 		I went to lunch today with a co-worker.  She historically has difficulty telling me what restaurant she would like to go to.  We got in the car and I told her I wasn’t starting the car until she said where we were going to eat.  She actually whined! But I held firm and she finally chose a place. 
The inability to express your needs/wants/opinions is not cute.  It’s not ‘submissive’ either.  It is, however, annoying as hell

_____________________________

"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
Robert Parker, Stranger in Paradise

(in reply to MistressStephi)
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RE: is it common.... - 2/27/2009 5:31:53 AM   
slaveluci


Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: catize
The inability to express your needs/wants/opinions is not cute.  It’s not ‘submissive’ either.  It is, however, annoying as hell

  How true!  My best friend used to do the same thing you described and I would do what you did.  Actually, I'd warn her ahead of time that she needed to decide where we were going and give her a couple hours to mull it over.  Then....no excuses - state your decision.  She eventually got more comfortable doing it.  Some people just have a hard time with it, I suppose, and when they're allowed to get away with it, it becomes a bad habit.  Definitely not cute or "submissive" per se.................luci

_____________________________

To choose a good book, look in an inquisitor’s prohibited list. ~John Aikin

(in reply to catize)
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RE: is it common.... - 2/27/2009 7:08:18 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		Here's how it works in my world, either you say where you want to go when asked or you forfeit the right to bitch when you don't like what someone else chooses.

As for the OP and that train of thought, I think there are many people that have a gut level fear of expressing what is on their mind. It was something I had to overcome myself. When I did some introspection I realized it began at a very young age, in grade school, and being made fun of for just being me. Then years of being around, in relationships, with people that were so insecure their only comfort is rediculing other people, only reinforced it. Being a person that is a bit "outside the norm" doesn't help either.

So, even after you find yourself in a relationship with a person that you are "safe" being yourself, that conditioning of many years can take a lot of work to overcome. Patience, awareness and time, combined with the consistancy of that safety, will change it.


_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to slaveluci)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: is it common.... - 2/27/2009 7:10:44 AM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline 		This was something I used to say frequently, and for the reasons already described - uncomfortable describing my feelings, wanting to defer to what HE wanted, and sometimes I simply didn't know.  I wasn't at all self aware when I first came to belong to my former owner.  He decided "I don't know" was not an acceptable answer, and I was required to think about what I thought/wanted/felt and tell him.  It was awkward at first, but I managed to overcome.  Being forced to think about what was going on inside my head and heart brought me to a better self awareness. 

I agree with the others who have said being on the receiving end of that statement is quite frustrating. 


_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.



(in reply to MistressStephi)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: is it common.... - 2/27/2009 7:17:43 AM   
beargonewild


Posts: 22716
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		Quite often the passive sub is stating exactly what they feel. Either they aren't able to articulate well enough to explain what they are felling at that time or they generally have difficulty in expressing their feelings. I know with myself, if I'm asked what I am feeling and at that time my feelings are too jumbled to make and sense, the best I can say is "I'm not sure" or I don't know." It's not that I don't want to answer that particular question but I'm not able to phrase my answer in a way that'll come across clear and understandable to the other person. 

_____________________________

Do Not Rile da Chosen Bear

Promiscuous boy you already know
That I’m all yours what you waiting for?

Resident MANWHORE ~1000 Bear pts~

10 NZ points
Whips~n~Cuffs

(in reply to MistressStephi)
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RE: is it common.... - 2/27/2009 7:41:59 AM   
subangi


Posts: 544
Joined: 5/11/2008
Status: offline 		      Throughout my experience with any form of relationship,  I have found that communication is the foundation of everything.  There is no way that He can get to know anything about me, unless I share it with him. 
     If my devotion is to be of service,  He needs to learn so much about me...to know what turns me on, or off, to be aware of when I am doing something to please Him even though it is something I have always despised,  and to receive the nurturing that is so crucial and needed in making the relationship healthy and more meaningful.
     I find that even the simplest forms of sharing thoughts..letting him know i want a big fat juicy steak as opposed to slithering sushi ....flogging, caning, belt are pleasure pain, but for some reason a wooden paddle is plain old pain.  These are all steps in getting to know each other and being able to read each other in the future without needing words all the time.
    I need at times to focus on what is muddled in my head.  I need to pretend for a moment that I am alone, and seek in my brain what I am feeling.  Retard moments happen,  but there is always something that can be said. 

(in reply to MistressStephi)
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