quote:

ORIGINAL: DavanKael
To someone with a fear of being hurt, who has been hurt in previous relationships and still has very raw wounds (After over a year since the most recent one occurred), what advice would you offer for their being able to move forward? 
How do you avoid sabotaging relationships due to said fear?  How do you invest?  Any other thoughts that you believe would be helpful are much appreciated. 
Many thanks!  :> 
Davan

quote:

ORIGINAL: DavanKael
To someone with a fear of being hurt, who has been hurt in previous relationships and still has very raw wounds (After over a year since the most recent one occurred), what advice would you offer for their being able to move forward? 
How do you avoid sabotaging relationships due to said fear?  How do you invest?  Any other thoughts that you believe would be helpful are much appreciated. 
Many thanks!  :> 
  Davan

quote:

ORIGINAL: theobserver

I will preface my answers by saying this, there is no reward without risk, I'll concede that point. However, here's an analogy I'd like to share ... I believe that there is nothing wrong with fear, when you don't have the capital to expend. Think about it, if you are living check to check on minimum wage, is it not, natural to be reluctant (or fearful) to bet your rent on something that's not a sure thing? A millionaire may be able to take the risk, but not you.
****Interesting point.  But, is one not responsible for replenishment of their own resources, as they are for the acquisition of that much-needed paycheck? 

People who have enough positive emotional reserves stored up, can risk new relationships because they have sound mental health to fall back on, when the shit falls apart. Or for a less extreme example, people who have been in long term relationships, that overall went well, don't have the years and years of damage to feel uncertain when they move on to the next.
****Again, I think this is an interesting point and could very well explain some inclination to pull away.  Context often does color much. 

1. Of course it's scary for me to move on to someone else, after I've been emotionally scarred in a relationship--the way to move forward is just to do it, but it should not be done unless you own and deal with whatever issues you contributed to the break down of your previous relationship.
****I agree that there is a big "just do it" factor but that is my inclination as well.  Certainly not with wild abandon with anyone but with someone who is hopefully well-chosen. 

2. Avoiding sabotage is a tough one, I think because, it's done subconsciously; I don't think most people realize when they are doing it. I've done it plenty of times, to disastrous results--hindsight is 20/20. The best thing is to take things slowly and remind yourself that you're in a relationship with someone new, not someone from the past--be careful that you are not attributing someone elses behavior to your current lover.
****Superb point: not linking your present partner to past partners in a negative way.  I noticed just the other day that a particular phrase really provoked me because my ex- used to say it prior to making sweeping changes, the messes from which I got the distinct displeasure of cleaning up. 

3. How do you invest? Hmm ... I dunno, by not holding back.  I think the biggest mistake that's made in these situations is the reluctance to put as much into the relationship as you have in the past, due to the fear of failure or rejection. Going all in, doesn't mean being overbearing, it means being true to yourself and giving the person you adore, what you'd want them to give you. I hardly think you'd want anything less.
****I agree 100%.  I don't think you can be successful in a relationship, to achieve the joy possible, if you are holding back. 
Thank you!  :> 
  Davan

quote:

ORIGINAL: MidMichCowboy
Great post Davan.
I have been accused by friends of putting such rigid requirements on the person I want to find, that I will never find them.
This is my take. In the past, I've hurt people and been hurt by them. So, I have tried to analyze what happened and work to solve the problems. I'm not looking for someone to play with, or just sex, or an object to use. I'm looking for a lady to share the rest of my life. So, I do feel one has to take it slow and get to know the other person. I will admit to some caution. By taking it slow, we can overcome the fears and build a solid foundation for the relationship.
But, we have to be honest and talk about the urge to "run". I've had a couple who got scared and "ran" just when I was ready to take the relationship to the next level. I even gave one a second chance. So, I hope the person I get involved with will just be honest about those feelings and work through them. I understand there is no guarantee..
****The running thing is such a difficult thing for me to process as it's rather contrary to how I deal with issues as well as tweaking matters such as sense of abandonment like crazy.  I get it cognitively but it's rather difficult to grapple with the emotional ramifications and repercussions.  Sometimes the running away that people do is temporary; they need to regroup and return once they've gotten their heads on straight.  Other times, they flee into the sunset because an emotional risk they perceive is too scary, daunting, whatever. 
 

First: there has to be a physical spark between two people. I've seen people (and did it myself) who didn't make that a requirement. Even if we like someone a lot, without that spark, you would be missing the passion I feel all relationships deserve. That passion can help you overcome a lot of problems that life throws at you. After 50 something years, my parents still have the physical spark and passion. I want that.
****Can definitely understand that as a priority.  :> 

We need to share enough intellectually and with other interests, that we can enjoy each others company in the many hours we are not having sex. As horny as we all my be, there are still a lot of hours where we are not having sex.
****Another point upon which I am in definite agreement with you.  Eye candy's nice but if, when it opens its mouth, a bunch of drivvle comes out, any level of attractiveness is out the window.  Intellectual compatibility and similarity of interests/contexts; really 'getting' one another (Which grows across time, though I think it's a good sign when you know going in that you already have some level of that kind of understanding between you): super important.  Someone who is a friend.  :> 

We need to be able to fit into each others friends and family. You can not leave all your relationships behind for a new person. At some point, you have to be able to weave your lives together.
Then the D/s and sex. I want dynamite. It might not happen the first time, but it should grow. Otherwise, someone will be wondering if there is someone else who can fill those needs.
****Having been in a relationship most of my adult life, weaving one's friends and families together seems such a no-brainer to me.  I know that there are a lot of folks with the expectation that their partner will divest themselves of their others and I understand the insecurity that that comes from or the desire for control.  Knowing that a person's 'people' come as part of the package is, imo, important.  And always good to be building that foundation right from the beginning. 

So, I'm cautious but open. Ignoring any one of the above has lead to hurt for me and others I know. I'm not sure you can have a lasting relationship without all of the above.

But, this is where my experience has lead me. I don't claim to have answers for anyone else, I might not even have them for me. But, I hope I'm wiser. Now if I can just take enough of a chance to find someone.

quote:

ORIGINAL: ShiftedJewel

I've realized that I'm an emotionally extreme person. When I love someone I do so with everything in my being and when I don't love love them then I don't care. It's pretty cut and dry like that. I'm not being mean about it, I just honestly don't care. I don't wish anyone any harm, ever, but in that same light I really couldn't care less one way or the other. I used to blame it on "walls". I used to use that to keep from getting close to anyone, like the song said "If I never loved I never would have cried". (I am a rock) Yes, I love my family, my kids and I'm fiercely protective of them, but as far as relationships go? I can honestly say that I've never walked away broken hearted, I always reached that "I don't care" place before it actually ended. And I don't know if I've ever broken someone's heart, by the time it reached that point I was prepared with "I don't care".
 
Yep, it's my upbringing. It really is. I was raised by a woman that lived by the belief that as long as they are a good provider she can get used to their company. She had kids because... well,... she was supposed to. I think in her own way she loved us, but the reality was that we were a LOT of work and a real pain in the ass most of the time. She could and did walk away from her siblings and family at the drop of a hat. She could turn on one of us kids just as quick. She was never mean about it. She was never hateful, she would just turn her back and that's all. I had to learn to love. Try that one on for size. So I don't do it so well. I don't pull of the caring nurturing type worth a damn, never learned that. But when I love, I really love!! I don't know how to temper it or tone it down, I just let loose and love with everything I got. And when that doesn't work, well, I guess it's like someone turned off a switch and left me standing there with "I don't care". I guess my "compassion button" was never installed or hooked up.
 
I never really had walls, I had this theory that as long as I didn't let anyone close I'd never have to test that lack of compassion (and yes, it made raising kids interesting). But my sister once told me that if I never let people in that I would miss out on some really great things. She was wrong by the way... But I did eventually find my soul mate, I'm married to him now. We're so much alike that it's almost scary. When we love someone we REALLY love them and when we don't... well, we just don't care. Harsh but true. There is someone out there for everyone, even people like me.
 
Jewel