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RE: Building Walls: Fear of Being Hurt - 3/3/2009 10:11:10 AM   
Prinsexx


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quote:

ORIGINAL: DavanKael

Howdy, all----
I've not started a thread in awhile. 
This isn't specifically D/s oriented (I believe it relevant to all types of relationships), so feel free to answer from whatever perspective is yours/you choose. 
I am going to give my answer to this query first:  I have been hurt by loved ones before.  I know what it feels like.  I bear the scars.  I believe that love is the pinnacle and to achieve that pinnacle, we must risk hurt.  We must communicate as well as do internal work.  We must somehow work it out within ourselves that even if we get hurt, it will not destroy us and that the benefits are worth the risks.  I do not open my heart fully to one immediately, but need the safety and affinity with another within which to take that risk, to invest myself.  This grows across time and I make opportunities within which it may do so.  In my opinion, if I ever lose hope to the degree where I can not allow another close, it's time for me to cash in existence. 
So, here goes the query: 
To someone with a fear of being hurt, who has been hurt in previous relationships and still has very raw wounds (After over a year since the most recent one occurred), what advice would you offer for their being able to move forward? 
How do you avoid sabotaging relationships due to said fear?  How do you invest?  Any other thoughts that you believe would be helpful are much appreciated. 
Many thanks!  :> 
Davan

I have been 'hurt' which is weird coming from a masochist because you would be forgiven for thinking that I'd love the being hurt. So I've done some really deep soul searching and came up with  this:
1. I feel hurt, both physically and emotionally and as long as the hurt is within my limits then I attribute good hurt to it.
2. I have been hurt more severly than I felt I could tolerate...both physically and mentally. This essentially means that it was outside of my limits. No I say I don't have limits...which simply means I don't have a stop signal. EVERYBODY has limits.
So this amounted to:
1. being hypocritical because I was imposing my limits
2. I needed to change my philosophy and to see that all experiences are supportive even the ones that 'hurt'
3. time heals everything. life is short. let it go the hurt drop it and move on
4. analysis of the constant variety is futile.


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RE: Building Walls: Fear of Being Hurt - 3/3/2009 2:35:05 PM   
ShiftedJewel


Posts: 2492
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quote:

Hi, Jewel----
Thank you for sharing.  :> 
Loving fully and deeply is a beautiful thing.  I am glad that you have your soulmate.  When you and Scooter found one another, did you know right away or did it take some time, if you don't mind my asking. 


Actually, we knew within a few days. We met on alt, talked on the phone, once I think, set up a time and place for him to pick me up. We went out on the first date, had a great time, talked a lot on IM, then we went on a second date followed by spending a long weekend together. He took me home on that Sunday and Tuesday I moved in with him. We've not been apart a single night since then.
 
I believe that sometimes you just know.
 
Jewel

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RE: Building Walls: Fear of Being Hurt - 3/3/2009 3:03:34 PM   
oceanwynds


Posts: 1044
Joined: 8/24/2006
Status: offline 		Buiding Walls has always been natural trait of mine, but it doesn't seal out hurt. Through the past year, I have been working at living without my protection walls in all relationships. This has helped me to heal relationships in my family of origins. Also this past 12 months, I been realizing there is only one guarantee and that I will be with myself when I die. You cannot guarantee anything with another person, so for me I best live my life in away that pleases my core. I decided to learn to live alone, instead of finding another person to spend my days and nights with. That was a tremendous challenge and one that I am still growing and learning from. I beginning to enjoy my time alone as well as with others when they are present. The neediness in me is getting smaller, though needs are still there. I do not hold on to my old walls anymore, instead I now dare to live.

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RE: Building Walls: Fear of Being Hurt - 3/3/2009 5:16:40 PM   
persephonee


Posts: 5089
Joined: 12/15/2007
Status: offline 		~fr~

i have a lot of protective walls and try as hard as i can to not be hurt now as badly as i was hurt when my marriage broke up. i spent an extended period of time just working and sleeping and withdrawing from anything remotely social. While i would never suggest that anyone else do that sort of thing...i strongly felt and continue to feel that i needed that time away from everything. As soon as i felt strong enough to risk it, i went out and started over. So far, so good.

my walls are there for a reason and only i can take them down. When its time, ill know it. Til then, i can try hard to be as open with my heart as i am able and kind of ...give myself a break about it. i can only do what i can do...and there is no sense in feeling guilty or bad about decisions i have made to protect myself.

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RE: Building Walls: Fear of Being Hurt - 3/3/2009 7:06:23 PM   
InTonguesslave


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can you give me an example of this: "in a big way this helps me to break through my barriers and brick walls - i take full responsibility for each wall i break through." (though i don't expect you to answer if it is too personal).
 
no, its not too personal atall, ill try to explain it more clearly

at the moment im struggling calling Sir 'Sir' - i recognise why i am struggling with it.  its because it keeps me in the place he wishes to put me.  for him its basic courtesy and respect.  for me it sometimes (but not always) creates a feeling of distance and separation from the growing feelings i have for him.  when i dont call him Sir he reminds me gently but very firmly of my position as his slave and what he expects from me.  this sometimes (but not always creates a barrier i then have to dismantle). its sometimes painful and difficult and doubts and insecurities can eclipse everything else that is positive between us.

its at this point that i take responsibility for my next step - the choice is fight/flight - or work through it.  i choose to work through it.

his part in helping me is to list all of the things he really likes/admires/enjoys from me - i realise that the distance im feeling is just my insecurities messing with my head.  i realise that he needs to enforce this rule because if he didnt id stretch the boundaries and lose focus.  i realise that he is absolutely right to insist i call him Sir - i accept it again, i have broken down that barrier again and each time it gets a little smaller and more insignificant.  together we take responsibility for moving this along, for holding it together because we believe in what we've found.

if Sir said, this this and that, do that and youll get through it i wouldnt learn and i wouldnt break down the barrier i would simply be forced past it.  the barrier would still be there holding me back. 

if i ignored it and carried on anyway the potential for disaster further down the track builds momentum - if i do not take responsibility for my fears and anxieties and just let them manifest then i am responsible, if i do take responsibility for my fears and anxieties i am responsible - either way i am responsible for my part in the growth or destruction of the relationship. 

when you look at it like that it starts to get easier - youre responsible either way so you might just as well face up to youre fears and get on with sorting them out.

sounds hard, sorry.  the point of this whole responsibility thing is that by taking each step carefully you can release youreself from the fear of being hurt.  by taking responsibility for each step you take, you realise then that it was always youre choice to continue and that blame and endings can be shared.

even if Sir turned around tomorrow and said 'sorry love, ive changed my mind' i would still have the anchor of responsibility to remind me that for the time he was my Sir it was always my choice and for that moment in time, the right choice.

alot of the fear of being hurt is actually through allowing youreself to be hurt, alot of the resentment and anger you feel is anger and resentment toward yourself for putting up with it, going along with it, suffering it for as long as you did - well, certainly for me.   ive removed that element of fear from my decision making by taking equal responsibility for who i choose to be with and how it pans out. 

< Message edited by InTonguesslave -- 3/3/2009 7:40:06 PM >

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RE: Building Walls: Fear of Being Hurt - 3/3/2009 7:30:39 PM   
DavanKael


Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline 		Hi, Prinsexx----
Great boil-down.  :> 

Hi, Jewel----
Thank you for answering my question.  Your answer was as I guessed.  I am glad that you found your soulmate!  :> 
I haven't always known that decisively right away but have experienced that.  It rocks, as does the more gentle growing into a relationship with one. 

Hi, oceanwynds----
I love the message "I now dare to live".  :> 

Hi, perse----
We never did tackle David Duchovny, lol!  :>  Hah, hijacking the thread I started.  Anyway, how do you balance keeping the walls and not feeling guilty or as if you are selling yourself and others short potentially?  Not meant as an attack, just attempting to better understand. 

Hi, lally----
Great elucidation and I think that the statement "you're responsible either way so you might just as well face up to your fears and get on with sorting them out" rocks!  :> 

  Davan

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May you live as long as you wish & love as long as you live
-Robert A Heinlein

It's about the person & the bond,not the bondage
-Me

Waiting is

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RE: Building Walls: Fear of Being Hurt - 3/4/2009 7:28:07 AM   
Whiplashsmile4


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Status: offline 		The bitch about walls.  When you remove a wall you are forced to deal with fears and insecurities, these can be somewhat ugly things in any relationship. No longer protected you are naked and vulnerable.  Fight or Flight issues can occur.

No shame in expressing fears and insecurities if you are going to let the walls go down.

Life is a bitch, you live, you love, you get hurt, you hurt, you wall yourself up, you let the walls down, you fear, you react, you interact, you either love and live again or quickly rebuild those walls.

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RE: Building Walls: Fear of Being Hurt - 3/4/2009 7:37:12 AM   
DavanKael


Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline 		Hi, whiplashsmile4----
Those fight or flight issues in another are exactly what I am staring down and I'm looking at the opposite inclination to my own, which is to fight.  Fear and insecurities aren't often pretty but integrating them into an acceptance of the whole and working on/through them is so very important, imo. 
  Davan

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May you live as long as you wish & love as long as you live
-Robert A Heinlein

It's about the person & the bond,not the bondage
-Me

Waiting is

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RE: Building Walls: Fear of Being Hurt - 3/4/2009 11:33:26 AM   
persephonee


Posts: 5089
Joined: 12/15/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DavanKael

Hi, Prinsexx----
Great boil-down.  :> 

Hi, Jewel----
Thank you for answering my question.  Your answer was as I guessed.  I am glad that you found your soulmate!  :> 
I haven't always known that decisively right away but have experienced that.  It rocks, as does the more gentle growing into a relationship with one. 

Hi, oceanwynds----
I love the message "I now dare to live".  :> 

Hi, perse----
We never did tackle David Duchovny, lol!  :>  Hah, hijacking the thread I started.  Anyway, how do you balance keeping the walls and not feeling guilty or as if you are selling yourself and others short potentially?  Not meant as an attack, just attempting to better understand. 

Hi, lally----
Great elucidation and I think that the statement "you're responsible either way so you might just as well face up to your fears and get on with sorting them out" rocks!  :> 

Davan


When i come up against one with a partner, i mention that its there, explain briefly that it is serving a purpose and that it will either fall down on its own as we work on things, or it wont...i literally have no apologies for protecting myself. The One im with listened intently to my explanation (much to his credit) and mentioned briefly that time would tell as to whether it would remain an issue. He didnt seem too concerned about its existence, which either means he doubts the soundness of its construction or he thinks he can scale it...im in a wait and see mode at present.

And i already tackled Duchovny...that was right before he admitted himself into treatment...thats right, that was alllll meeeee!!!!

_____________________________

You be the Captain; i'll be no one.

And You can carry me away....if You want to. ~Kasey Chambers

E*Whore, extraordinaire....

Nothing is exactly as it seems~Nor, is it otherwise.

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RE: Building Walls: Fear of Being Hurt - 3/5/2009 7:46:52 AM   
ThundersCry


Posts: 892
Status: offline 		`ey Daven...
 
Anytime I see the word Wall...its gotta be Pink Floyd <spits>
 
Anyhoo....I know all to well about walls..started building them at an early age...some had to do with the dynamics going on in my family and then it began with ladies...too much...too soon...and it had ALOT to do with my self esteem..
 
Brick by brick they went up...each brick has a name...a few off the top of my head were....pride...fear...anger...fear...resentment...fear...anger...bitterness...self pity...etc...the VERY top brick in the end and at the top was outright defiance...self destruction...

Plus a death wish...
 
I even built them around the lady that bore my children...what a guy huh...
 
At an early age I found out that self medicating myself helped me to survive behind that wall of lonliness...despair....helplessness...darkness...there was no...light...I was a scared littler boy actually but was supposed to be a...man...
 
I always like that chick that sang the song *ain`t going to rehab*...it was like sweety...it ain`t gonna be long and your going to find yourself in one...
 
No one around me could help me behind the *wall*..I came to in a rehad enter at 27 years of age wondering wtf...where am I...I was soooooooooo mad and defiant it took me 4 days to come outta my room....shove the fucking meal thru the door and get away =L= That was only the first of many....rehabs...
 
But...it was a start...I would peek over that *wall* at times and talk...duck back in and peek over again...
 
Then on day the occupational therapist came to me and handed me a book...
 
*the Wall* a parable by Gloria Jay Evans...and ya...of all the tings over the years I pissed away and tossed out...I kept the book....a good read...still.
 
Have I been hurt over the years =L= oh ya HOWEVER it were the people I hurt and the wake of destruction I kept leaving behind me that bothered me the most....they haunted my soul...
 
You know what broke me from most of those walls years later? Was getting into a m/s d/s relationship and I was the s...she talked me thru some of the walls....some she SMASHED down, and I would think *man your a ruthless bitch* however....she had her own walls and as time went by I was al\ble to break some of hers down. It took imense TRUST and it took alot of talking...I would even disappear from her for at times a few weeks but...I would return and she would just...smile.
 
I still carry some deeply....some may never heal but I have had the oppertunity of going to all I hurt and telling them *ya know that was so wrong of me...what can I do to make it right* About got a right hook from one guy....=L= The *dark* mentioned about the hurt we did to people...I so agree with that...

Today I can look in the mirror and know its...ok. It...just...ok. Thats what happened after tearing down some walls...
 
Am I willing to take the *risk* you talked about knowing I could be hurt again....yes. Its not about me anyways..its about loving and treating the other with love and  respect.....
 
* so you`ve been broken and you have been hurt...Show me someone who ain`t...ya, I know I ain`t much of a bargain but...with a little touch up and a little paint* <grins>
 
Gottta love some of the *Boss`s* songs....

< Message edited by ThundersCry -- 3/5/2009 7:51:49 AM >

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RE: Building Walls: Fear of Being Hurt - 3/5/2009 3:57:10 PM   
DavanKael


Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline 		Hi, Perse----
< pout > < grin >  Well, if you didn't share, at least you can tell us all if he was any good!  Lol!  :> 
I am glad to hear that you are with One who you feel safe in sharing and considering deconstructing your walls with.  Sending wishes for good thoughts and joy!  :> 
 
Hi, ThundersCry----
Thank you for your reply.  I very much appreciate your style of writing and your straight-up, tell-it-like-it-is approach to emotionality as well as behavior.  Chapters of a life shared, redemption of the best sort: the determination to live on, to love even though it may mean pain.  Thank you.  :>
  Davan

_____________________________

May you live as long as you wish & love as long as you live
-Robert A Heinlein

It's about the person & the bond,not the bondage
-Me

Waiting is

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Jesus,I've ALWAYS been a deviant
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RE: Building Walls: Fear of Being Hurt - 3/5/2009 8:17:29 PM   
oceanwynds


Posts: 1044
Joined: 8/24/2006
Status: offline 		I did dare to live and love again without regrets. Sadness yes, but I am not planning on putting the bricks to the walls back up. There will be no more Sir, but I will always be thankful for all he inspired in me. Now I go and stand on my own two feet. Take time to heal and to not seek another relationship of any type. I just will continue to dare to live as i see fit.

Blessings
oceanwynds

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RE: Building Walls: Fear of Being Hurt - 3/5/2009 8:23:54 PM   
girlygurl


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From: in the palms of His hands
Status: offline 		Investing in a relationship takes trust, and trust comes with time.


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RE: Building Walls: Fear of Being Hurt - 3/7/2009 8:40:52 AM   
DavanKael


Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline 		Hi, oceanwynds----
I am sorry for your loss but I honor your strength. 

Hi, girlygurl----
Agreed.  Though, I often have a 'gut' sense about trust, do you? 
  Davan

_____________________________

May you live as long as you wish & love as long as you live
-Robert A Heinlein

It's about the person & the bond,not the bondage
-Me

Waiting is

170NZ (Aka:Sex God Du Jour) pts

Jesus,I've ALWAYS been a deviant
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RE: Building Walls: Fear of Being Hurt - 3/7/2009 9:45:54 AM   
roughleather


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quote:

ORIGINAL: DavanKael I have been hurt by loved ones before.  I know what it feels like.  I bear the scars.


"You are not trying You are whining."  Nigel  to Andrea, "The Devil Wears Prada"

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RE: Building Walls: Fear of Being Hurt - 3/7/2009 10:19:57 AM   
DavanKael


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quote:

ORIGINAL: roughleather

quote:

ORIGINAL: DavanKael I have been hurt by loved ones before.  I know what it feels like.  I bear the scars.


"You are not trying You are whining."  Nigel  to Andrea, "The Devil Wears Prada"


roughleather----
Did you read the op in its entirety?  If you did, you failed to process that I am not speaking about my own reservations in relationships at all.  If you did not read the op in its entirety, I'd encourage you, prior to accuse me of whining, to give it a depthful peek. 
I don't whine.  I'm far too prideful for that (My pridefulness isn't always a good thing but it's far more acceptable to me than whining). 
My query is regarding another's way of processing as foreign to my own and asking for the feedback of others. 
  Davan

_____________________________

May you live as long as you wish & love as long as you live
-Robert A Heinlein

It's about the person & the bond,not the bondage
-Me

Waiting is

170NZ (Aka:Sex God Du Jour) pts

Jesus,I've ALWAYS been a deviant
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RE: Building Walls: Fear of Being Hurt - 4/2/2009 6:37:21 PM   
DavanKael


Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline 		Since I started this thread and I know I wonder what happened related to the original post when I see old threads revived, lest that happen here, here's an update: 
Despite offering my patience, communication, and strength along with sharing this thread with the individual of whom I spoke, the emotional recoil and retreat didn't stop and worsened. 
Many thanks to everyone who offered their thoughts, feelings, and words!  :> 
Best wishes, 
  Davan

_____________________________

May you live as long as you wish & love as long as you live
-Robert A Heinlein

It's about the person & the bond,not the bondage
-Me

Waiting is

170NZ (Aka:Sex God Du Jour) pts

Jesus,I've ALWAYS been a deviant
-Leadership527,Jeff

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RE: Building Walls: Fear of Being Hurt - 4/2/2009 7:08:54 PM   
ThatDamnedPanda


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Status: offline 		Davan, I'm really sorry to hear that. Sounds like you did everything you could, but a person can only do so much, and sometimes it just isn't enough. Thank you for your forthrightness in updating everyone who was following your thread, and good luck to both of you going forward.

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RE: Building Walls: Fear of Being Hurt - 4/2/2009 8:10:37 PM   
Vanityfull


Posts: 196
Joined: 3/6/2009
Status: offline 		i spent until the age of 16 building walls then i started tearing them down as i was unable to feel any real emotion(not being able to cry is one of the worst feelings i have had in life). at 13 i had an older girl use me and vicously fuck with my head the resualt was me saying fuck women im being 100% gay in order to weaken those memories. it was then "suggested" to me being gay wasnt a good idea by family and lovly thugs in my area, so i shut down all sexuality for years. doing this lead to a downward spiral of selfhate in my life and got me involved in gangs and hard drugs as escapes.

after escaping from that life i began to look into how destructive my walls were, and very slowly opened up to people.
how did i deal with my shit.. i didnt at first, i just rallied behind cuases of anti-racism, femminism and gay rights imperticular, i found that dealing with these things distracted me from the weight of my own issues until i slowly was able to express my emotions about them. to an exstent i think ignoring your own issues and trying to help those around you can really heal more than trying to find an awnser to peoples cruelty, the less i dwelled on me and the more commited to the world around me i became the more i started respecting myself as an outstanding person. thinking about you and dealing with yourself is good but often exspecialy with heartbreaks its good to just help others and gain selfestem by what you are doing in life, if you spend all of the time crying into a pillow your not really going to move on. in short i feel empathy saved my life from walls.


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RE: Building Walls: Fear of Being Hurt - 4/3/2009 4:36:43 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		First off I don't think one can put a time limit on grief and healing.
If you lose a husband of 50 years, then you shouldn't be expected to be over it inside of a year.

What is important is if you are progressing or are stuck in your grief. As long as you are progressing, then keep going. When you are healed you will try again.

If you are stuck in the grief cycle, that's when you go for help. But there is no time frame for this. People move at different rates. Some jump into the deep end of the pool and others stick a toe in. Ten minutes later they're both swimming happily so what does it matter if one takes longer than the other to get there?

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