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Bulldoze it or brick by brick? - 3/3/2009 5:06:02 PM

missturbation

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Another thread on building walls and breaking them down has me thinking! Metaphorically speaking i have over the years built a huge wall around me, each brick being representative of different things i'm hiding from.
Now that i'm considering breaking down that wall, i'm having to consider whether the best option is brick by brick or just to bulldoze the lot and either sink or swim?
Either way i see problems !!
If i bulldoze it am i not possibly biting off more than i can chew?
If i take it down brick by brick, which brick do i start with?
I saw in the other thread much advice about how to feel about breaking the wall downs, kind of how to go about it but very little about whether they bulldozed or brick by bricked.
Anyone any thoughts, advice, anything?

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RE: Bulldoze it or brick by brick? - 3/3/2009 5:10:30 PM

DesFIP

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I don't think it is possible to tear them all down. You learn to trust by being with someone trustworthy and it simply takes the time it takes to learn if they are truly trustworthy. They went up brick by brick and come down the same way.

Oh yeah, and any d type who demands immediate and unearned trust sends up major red flags for me.

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RE: Bulldoze it or brick by brick? - 3/3/2009 5:10:46 PM

devotedOwner19

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I'm apart of a mentor group where we deal with the walls built around people emotions frequently and the method we found to be best both emotionally and mentally. is first find yourself someplace you feel safe and have the trust the other person is willing to or is showing themselves behind there own walls. then just start small and slowly work your way down bit by bit if you do it to fast and feel betrayed the walls are just that much thicker and stronger. but if you go slow only taking as much as comfortable with it lets you keep the wall down that much easier. persoanlly id start with what your afraid of and trust that person with some of you more irrational fears and see how he/she does

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RE: Bulldoze it or brick by brick? - 3/3/2009 5:19:45 PM

pinkwind

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me, i took a run up, threw my shoulder forward, and charged at the wall i had built around me, and once on the outside just kept on kicking until all that was left was a pile of rubble and a cloud of dust!

Personally, if i had taken it all down bit by bit, not only would it have taken too long once i had found where to start, built as it was bit by bit over years, i also didn't want to wait years to be free.

Yes it's damned scary, and yes, i was exposed to everything i thought i needed to hide from, but i found that i had given certain issues way too much importance over time, and when i looked at things in the cold light of day they weren't anywhere near as big or challenging as i thought they were. Issues can take on huge proportions when you succeed in scaring yourself off facing them.

i also found out that once the wall came down people that had not seen the real me for so long were really happy to see me and helpful to a fault, so i was not alone for very long either. Everything i did, every move i made was my choice, without the constriction of the space i had allowed within my mental prison, and after initially being a tad frightened of kicking away all i thought i needed to survive i found that i had just been deluding myself.

People are stronger than they, and others sometimes, give themselves credit for being, and apart from the odd slip, normal for most folk, i made good progress and found my feet, my courage and my desire for life all helped me to keep going, without a backwards glance at the rubble, dust and all!

Best of luck, whatever method you choose.

< Message edited by pinkwind -- 3/3/2009 5:22:04 PM >

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RE: Bulldoze it or brick by brick? - 3/3/2009 5:21:51 PM

missturbation

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

I don't think it is possible to tear them all down. You learn to trust by being with someone trustworthy and it simply takes the time it takes to learn if they are truly trustworthy. They went up brick by brick and come down the same way.

Oh yeah, and any d type who demands immediate and unearned trust sends up major red flags for me.

See i had it in my head i would deal with each brick as i came to it but only a couple of days in i seem to have hit multiple bricks. I'm just not sure how to go about dealing with them and in what order.
There has been no demand for immediate and unearned trust

quote:

persoanlly id start with what your afraid of and trust that person with some of you more irrational fears and see how he/she does

In my personal opinion there is no such thing as irrational fear. We fear something for a reason even if that reason is not clear or known to us. All my bricks are made up of rational fears, there is good reason for everyone.

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RE: Bulldoze it or brick by brick? - 3/3/2009 5:24:06 PM

oceanwynds

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For me it was the realization that my walls never protected me in the first place. I bled hard when I lost my husband, and I bled hard with others that I had lost. What I found though through this was I never lost myself. It is one reason I needed to not be a part of anyone, D/s or Vanilla. I needed to become comfortable in my ownself. As I slowly tore each brick down, my fears played havoc on me, but I realized/realizing I still alright. As I mentioned before, I love Sir but there is no guarantee for tomorrow. All I have is today. Caroline Myss, Sacred Contracts and Self-esteem tapes have been a major learning experience for me. I been tackling her work for 3 years, plus extending my own concepts with her's. I like the view now and can see better since I have taken many of those bricks down.

May you enjoy your journey
oceanwynds

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RE: Bulldoze it or brick by brick? - 3/3/2009 5:24:15 PM

Kana

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It's a process
It took years to build that wall
Why think you can tear it down overnight?

Learning to peel off armor and be vulnerable
is simply one of the most difficult things people do.
Pull it out a brick at a time,
Let the sun shine through

Remember
Too often the walls we build to protect ourselves
become the prison that entraps us and keeps us from growing

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RE: Bulldoze it or brick by brick? - 3/3/2009 5:31:54 PM

oceanwynds

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missturbation
It is a hard journey and one that I am so grateful for taking these past 3 and half years. It didnt matter how many walls I had around me, my heart bleed anyways. It always did when I got hurt. But, if I didnt let anything in then I wouldnt know the love and lost of my brother, a child and my late husband. I wouldnt known the possibilites of Sir. I been taking brick by brick down and going through the fear. I have a couple very close friends that have been 'walking near me' while i take this journey, and we still are holding hands.

Now that a lot of bricks are gone, and I am not looking for guarnatees of not hurting anymore, I starting to like the view better. Why? The answer is I am beginning to like myself. I can live alone now and still feel a part of life. I do not have the rescue damsel aspect in me over reacting to life.

Caroline Myss books/tapes, Sacred Contracts and Self-esteem have been a major contribution to my knocking down my walls.

Best of luck on your journey. Remember it doesnt happen over night, but it will happen if you wish.
oceanwynds

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RE: Bulldoze it or brick by brick? - 3/3/2009 5:55:17 PM

missturbation

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quote:

Personally, if i had taken it all down bit by bit, not only would it have taken too long once i had found where to start, built as it was bit by bit over years, i also didn't want to wait years to be free.

This is what scares me about the brick by brick method. I want to be free of it all now!! However i'm also scared that if i bite off more than i can chew by smashing the wall down i'll end up back at square one.

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If it fit's in a toaster, i can cook it.

Buying 10 item's or less is not shopping !!

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RE: Bulldoze it or brick by brick? - 3/3/2009 6:40:42 PM

DavanKael

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Hi, missturbation----
I know the thread of which you speak. :>
For me, I take a combo-approach. When I lose tolerance for something and want an immediate change, I bring out the dynamite. For something that I feel more vulnerable about, I may take a more brick-by-brickapproach but will hold myself to as prompt a standard as striving for what I wish to accomplish seems to dictate while still looking out for (Though acknowledging that each brick removal makes vulnerable) safety.
My own personal analogy for self-protection (I used another's analogy for the thread you mentioned) is armor (Interesting Kana that you used the sameone...great minds and such, lol!). I tend to hold on to my armor to varying degrees as would correlate to the walls. How emotionally twitchey I am feeling can often be measured by how much jewelry (Metal) I am wearing; I find it grounding and soothing and a reminder that I can have my armor whenever I choose. A difference, though, is that armor, for me, is less restrictive than walls and can be donned and removed more readily than can walls.
Either way, whatever your metaphor, I think that you need to look at the issue, then your goal, and figure out how much you're willing to put on the line for prompt achievement.
Best wishes! :>
Davan

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RE: Bulldoze it or brick by brick? - 3/3/2009 7:38:35 PM

thishereboi

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I'd start brick by brick, once you get used to the idea the others might start falling by themselves.

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RE: Bulldoze it or brick by brick? - 3/4/2009 7:18:55 AM

Whiplashsmile4

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Walls can be a bit tricky. At times you might need to work at climbing over them or digging under them. Seriously, though brick by brick or bulldozing through them it really does not matter what the process is as long as you can "Break on through to the other side" to quote Jim Morrison.

You never know when somebody will manage to tear out your bricks intentionally or by accident at times. It can be a rather painful yet freeing experience.

Interesting how this thread could tie into the enabler thread as well. We ourselves are our biggest enablers. What ever we set our minds at doing or avoiding we tend to forget that there are moments when we will fail. It's not always easy maintaining walls around ourselves. It's also not always easy keeping walls torn down either. :-P

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RE: Bulldoze it or brick by brick? - 3/4/2009 8:36:45 AM

cjan

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misst, there is a huge difference between healthy boundaries and walls. Healthy boundaries serve us well, while walls may not. It's interesting to me that, on the one hand, you seem to be very open to experiencing physical pain, while, on the other, emotional or psychic pain ...not so much. It's understandable.

Relationships of any kind, assuming that they are honest, require a willingness to risk and make ourselves vulnerable. This doesn't , and shouldn't, mean that it should be done without prudence and slowly. Trust grows over time, and even then, sometimes, it is lost. That's life and the price we pay.

Best wishes and good luck.

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RE: Bulldoze it or brick by brick? - 3/4/2009 8:43:47 AM

akisha

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For me it was brick by brick and yes I still have alot of bricks standing. Some have even re-erected themselves after my last relationship ended.

The biggest thing was I didn't do it alone. My partner helped me, sometimes by cracking the mortar, other times taking a sledgehammer to a section lol.

Nothing happens over night. As they say... Rome as not built in a day, nor did it fall in a day. everthing takes time and effort. And accept that there will be backslides.

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RE: Bulldoze it or brick by brick? - 3/4/2009 9:17:21 AM

LaTigresse

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I just take a different approach.

I keep my walls. I don't want them gone because they are there for a damned good reason.

However, I have these little communication lines running outside them. After enough communication I get to decide whether or not I want to throw a rope over the wall to see if they can climb up and over. If they manage, they get to hang out in side my walls with me. If they are really impressive, I might even put down the drawbridge for them.

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RE: Bulldoze it or brick by brick? - 3/4/2009 9:27:41 AM

Lynnxz

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Hrm. I suck building walls and only built one, so he walked right around it.

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RE: Bulldoze it or brick by brick? - 3/4/2009 10:47:40 AM

LaTigresse

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What can I say, my dad was a building contractor specializing in concrete work. I had, on the job, training.....

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Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

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RE: Bulldoze it or brick by brick? - 3/4/2009 11:14:32 AM

Prinsexx

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

I don't think it is possible to tear them all down. You learn to trust by being with someone trustworthy and it simply takes the time it takes to learn if they are truly trustworthy. They went up brick by brick and come down the same way.

Oh yeah, and any d type who demands immediate and unearned trust sends up major red flags for me.

U agree with every word. It takes years and years to break down defences. As soon as one defence goes down it just seems another one comes up to fill the gap.
Friemdship.. worth saying again...friendship and trust, absolute dependability and honesty are te only qualities in another person that are key to sustainable relationsjhups. These qualities have usually been there for me in platonic friendships and I have found it very difficult to have those qualities in another person as well as sexual zing and the right kind of dominance plus sadism that I need. I would rather have the platonic any day than a bdsm relationship woth those qualities missing. I have learned the hard hard way that no amount of bdsm play compensates for the lack of trust and my capacity to trust the other and or myself in the relationship. I've learned that at deeper levels of relaisation every years of my life. I learned an invalueable lesson only very recently.
So In answer to MissT: not just brick ny brick but chip ny chop... once the walls are down, once even the smallest part of the wall is down that feeling of vulnerability as a submissive is intense.
Don't know if it's a submissive thing, don't know if it is a gender thing....I'd love to be able to say I am a bulldozer but it's just a fabtasy of the sirt of person I think I would like to be and something of a persona I would like others to see.

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RE: Bulldoze it or brick by brick? - 3/4/2009 1:24:41 PM

antipode

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quote:

which brick do i start with

Do what feels good, get on with something, whatever it is.

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RE: Bulldoze it or brick by brick? - 3/4/2009 2:24:37 PM

missturbation

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quote:

I'd love to be able to say I am a bulldozer but it's just a fabtasy of the sirt of person I think I would like to be and something of a persona I would like others to see.

Over the past couple of days i have to say i've come to this conclusion too. I'd love to just smash down my wall and leave the rubble and dust behind but i can't. I'm going to have to take this one brick at a time and see how i do. Actually one brick at a time would be a bit of a fib, i've come across several at the same time and well i'll have to multi task.

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What you don't witness with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth. Proverb.

If it fit's in a toaster, i can cook it.

Buying 10 item's or less is not shopping !!

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