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Blaming the Parentals - 3/5/2009 4:32:28 AM   
CatdeMedici


Posts: 2257
Joined: 10/20/2008
Status: offline 		I'm going to admit, ( not bragging ok?), I never had this situation so I  don't have a frame of reference--but I see and hear comments like "I blame My parents", " My parents were xxx or did xxx"--outside of the gross neglects or abuses that come to mind---why do adults who are seemingly into adulthood with some life experience on their resume, still feel the need to blame their parents for the way they are? Isn't there a point that if someone is a certain way because of parents and they aren't happy or don't like it, only they can make the effort to change? Isn't there a point that one should start taking  responsibility for their quirks, idiosyncracies, habits and the changes required? Am I missing something?

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RE: Blaming the Parentals - 3/5/2009 4:44:15 AM   
RainydayNE


Posts: 978
Joined: 10/21/2008
Status: offline 		i think there's a difference in acknowledging what caused a certain behavior, and in taking responsibility to change it.
you can acknowledge where it comes from, but also know what it is and know what not to do, or how not to be.

(in reply to CatdeMedici)
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RE: Blaming the Parentals - 3/5/2009 4:57:45 AM   
TNstepsout


Posts: 1558
Joined: 8/3/2005
Status: offline 		I wasn't abused in my home, but my parents did "handicap" me in many ways. It's taken a long time to get it all sorted out. Both are very passive/aggressive, so that's how I learned to deal with conflict. As you can imagine that lead to a lot of frustration for me. I don't blame them because they are who they are. But I do acknowledge that I learned a lot of things from them that were wrong and I don't blame myself any more either.

Now I like to poke fun at them and point out those ineffective patterns when I see them. It's very entertaining.

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RE: Blaming the Parentals - 3/5/2009 5:55:01 AM   
OneMoreWaste


Posts: 910
Joined: 8/24/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CatdeMedici
Isn't there a point that if someone is a certain way because of parents and they aren't happy or don't like it, only they can make the effort to change? Isn't there a point that one should start taking  responsibility for their quirks, idiosyncracies, habits and the changes required? Am I missing something?


Some things that are picked up in the formative years are extremely difficult to re-learn (or learn) as an adult.


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RE: Blaming the Parentals - 3/5/2009 6:31:18 AM   
BeIgnited


Posts: 191
Joined: 6/23/2008
Status: offline 		I blame Freud. 

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RE: Blaming the Parentals - 3/5/2009 6:59:02 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		Cat, it is the current mode of operation. Digging out an excuse book for why.......insert issue here...

"I can't have a sucessful relationship because my parents had a terrible one..."
"I can't be a good parent because my parents sucked.."
"I can't hold a job because I have.....ADD, ADHD, bipolar, etc etc etc...."
"I drink too much because my wife/husband treat/s me like shit..."
"I am a pervert because the nuns beat me............"

I refused to accept it for myself, and I refused to allow my children to use the crap in their life as an excuse for current/furture failure.

I won't go into my whole long mother spiel, but it seems to have worked quite well. I am very proud of the adults my kids have grown up to be. They take responsibility for their own shit.


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My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

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RE: Blaming the Parentals - 3/5/2009 7:47:11 AM   
MissMorrigan


Posts: 2309
Joined: 1/15/2005
Status: offline 		When we start blaming others for our misfortunes, we remove ourselves from the power to change our course in life. All the while we are focused on blaming other people, we're providing them with the ability to decide our destiny and while we're succeeding in making another person feel responsible for our unhappiness/failures, we're failing to recognise that the failure lies within our own disposition as opposed to our circumstances.

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RE: Blaming the Parentals - 3/5/2009 7:48:22 AM   
RainydayNE


Posts: 978
Joined: 10/21/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BeIgnited

I blame Freud. 


hahaha :)

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RE: Blaming the Parentals - 3/5/2009 7:54:07 AM   
slaveboyforyou


Posts: 3607
Joined: 1/6/2005
From: Arkansas, U.S.A.
Status: offline 		Well, I suppose it's better than someone who blames the entire world.  People that blame their parents for everything pop pills, drink, and cry to their over-priced therapist once a week.  People that blame the world run amok in office buildings with a rifle. 

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RE: Blaming the Parentals - 3/5/2009 7:55:42 AM   
chiaThePet


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I thought we agreed to just blame it all on Bush.

chia* (the pet)


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RE: Blaming the Parentals - 3/5/2009 8:18:10 AM   
Vendaval


Posts: 10297
Joined: 1/15/2005
Status: offline 		In general I think that people whose family's were a mess should get the counseling and therapy they need to function and move on with their life.  If the family in question is too toxic to deal with then create your own from the people in your life who love and support you.  The perspective on this scenario often changes from the anger and angst of adolescence when the role reversal of being a parent oneself happens.
 
But sometimes the abuse was bad enough to leave permanent mental and physical damage as well.  I am talking about people born with physical defects from alcohol/drugs during pregnancy and the like.  That situation will also necessitate long term surgery, physical therapy, treatment for developmental disabilities, etc.

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RE: Blaming the Parentals - 3/5/2009 8:19:36 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		There's one hell of a difference between working things through with a therapist weekly and crying to one. Therapy is the hardest work you'll ever do and it's thankless because nobody you know wants you to change. Change is threatening to them. If you stop reacting, they won't know how to deal with you so they sabotage you in the exact same manner that a man, afraid of his wife losing weight and looking more vibrant, will sabotage her by bringing home ice cream.

And good therapists are worth their weight in gold.

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RE: Blaming the Parentals - 3/5/2009 8:46:04 AM   
feydeplume


Posts: 935
Joined: 12/24/2008
Status: offline 		I blame my parents. I blame them for teaching me what toxic people are like (and thank them for teaching me how to avoid them)
I blame them for showing me how mean and sick people can be (and thank them for teaching me how to avoid having that in my life)
I blame them for addictive genes and giving me addictive substances (and thank them for showing me that I run my body, it doesn't run me)
I blame them for being human and thank them for teaching me that everyone is human in the end.

I blame them for introducing me to punk rock, S&M, organic food, holistic healing, and fringe cultures while totally failing to indoctrinate me into the host culture of the U.S.


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RE: Blaming the Parentals - 3/5/2009 11:58:20 AM   
Lorr47


Posts: 862
Joined: 3/13/2007
Status: offline
quote:

"I am a pervert because the nuns beat me...........


Yes, nuns hit me hard with rulers.  I am here and do not trust women.  Definitely "proximate causation" somewhere in there.

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RE: Blaming the Parentals - 3/5/2009 12:02:47 PM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		I've been thinking of getting a nun's habit and a couple of rulers........

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to Lorr47)
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RE: Blaming the Parentals - 3/5/2009 1:10:14 PM   
Lorr47


Posts: 862
Joined: 3/13/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

I've been thinking of getting a nun's habit and a couple of rulers........


In my youth I was dragged to Earlville many times by my parents. Until now I never thought I could ever look forward to going back.

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RE: Blaming the Parentals - 3/5/2009 1:18:45 PM   
FelineFae


Posts: 7756
Joined: 1/23/2009
From: i do wander everywhere...
Status: offline 		lol, why blame them when you have the ability to repress it all?
i just imagine the cats were totally responcible for my upbringing...

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RE: Blaming the Parentals - 3/5/2009 1:25:53 PM   
ThatDamnedPanda


Posts: 6060
Joined: 1/26/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

I've been thinking of getting a nun's habit and a couple of rulers........


I hear George Bush is out of work and looking for a new gig. That's a start, anyway.


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In the forest of the night
What immortal hand or eye
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RE: Blaming the Parentals - 3/5/2009 1:35:30 PM   
Lorr47


Posts: 862
Joined: 3/13/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ThatDamnedPanda

quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

I've been thinking of getting a nun's habit and a couple of rulers........


I hear George Bush is out of work and looking for a new gig. That's a start, anyway.



Lord, now they drag Bush into my fantasies.  Don't you have respect for anything?

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RE: Blaming the Parentals - 3/5/2009 1:43:50 PM   
ThatDamnedPanda


Posts: 6060
Joined: 1/26/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CatdeMedici

I'm going to admit, ( not bragging ok?), I never had this situation so I  don't have a frame of reference--but I see and hear comments like "I blame My parents", " My parents were xxx or did xxx"--outside of the gross neglects or abuses that come to mind---why do adults who are seemingly into adulthood with some life experience on their resume, still feel the need to blame their parents for the way they are? Isn't there a point that if someone is a certain way because of parents and they aren't happy or don't like it, only they can make the effort to change? Isn't there a point that one should start taking  responsibility for their quirks, idiosyncracies, habits and the changes required? Am I missing something?


No, Cat, you're not missing anything. I come from a very dysfunctional family, which has caused me a hell of a lot of problems over the course of my life (especially when i was younger, and still figuring all that out), but I don't really recall there ever being a time in my life when I actually blamed my parents for any of that. I've always held them accountable (especially my mother, who has admitted to me that she just didn't want to get the help she knew she needed to break the family cycle of dysfunctionality), but that's not the same as blaming them. I think recognizing accountability (when practiced objectively and non-judgementally) is part of a healthy, intellectually honest process of understanding why you work the way you do and how to find ways to make yourself work better. It is helpful to understand where the problem came from, and how it evolved, if you're going to understand how it works and how to fix it, or at least prevent it from manifesting itself in unhealthy ways in your current relationships.

But the minute you start actually laying blame on someone for the way you are is the minute you start focusing outside of yourself, rather than inside of yourself where the problem really lives. Doesn't matter where it came from, doesn't matter who put it there - right now, the problem is inside of you, and it's up to you to deal with it. It is what it is. You can't move forward if you're facing backward.


_____________________________

Panda, panda, burning bright
In the forest of the night
What immortal hand or eye
Made you all black and white and roly-poly like that?


(in reply to CatdeMedici)
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