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Dominants getting what they want - 3/8/2009 3:25:56 AM

Prinsexx

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Look it's Sunday morning. It's been a fab weekend... really. Everything right now is groovy in a groove groovy. The sun is also out and the daffs pushing their sweet little yellow heads above the soil and I am planning another perfect day in a string of perfect others....BUT.........
what is it with you Dominants? I mean don't answer that yet...here goes:
A friend recently explained that his first experience of his own dominance was on the sea front when he was in his very early twenties. He looked down, saw this honey in a bikini, snapped his gingers and motioned come here and she did. He progressed from that of course....
A very very dear friend of mine finds herself stuck in a very similar position to me at the moment: stuck in the remnants of promise because the Dom got what they wanted and then the relationship turned cold.
Someone very close to me, who is a Domme, explains her hard edged approach to domination: she too tells of how it is an emotionless 'arrangement' and it gets her service.
So what is it with domination? that you Dom(me)s don't want the whole package? I get graded 'outstanding' in my professional life. I got the IQ of Einstein. I can run a household, birth children, raise 'em single handed, oh yes and I can actually cross the road and chew gum at the same time ok.
And yes have taken a total stand recently and am getting the respect, love and attention I feel I deserve.
But why do so many Dom(me)s have to reduce us, minimalise us, put us down, use us as a place to stay, as a stop off place whilst they get their act together.... so forth and so on. Can't you handle greatness? Leave me alone unless you can handle greatness.
OK rant over...back in the kitchen for a cup of tea and then in the garden to tease out weeds, back into the lull and the mellowness of this sceptered Isle, this quiet market town called England.................

< Message edited by Prinsexx -- 3/8/2009 3:28:57 AM >

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RE: Dominants getting what they want - 3/8/2009 3:31:42 AM

rubberpet

Posts: 1743
Joined: 4/6/2006
From: The Land of Voodoo
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Prinsexx

Look it's Sunday morning. It's been a fab weekend... really. Everything right now is groovy in a groove groovy. The sun is also out and the daffs pushing their sweet little yellow heads above the soil and I am planning another perfect day in a string of perfect others....BUT.........
what is it with you Dominants? I mean don't answer that yet...here goes:
A friend recently explained that his first experience of his own dominance was on the sea front when he was in his very early twenties. He looked down, saw this honey in a bikini, snapped his gingers and motioned come here and she did. He progressed from that of course....
A very very dear friend of mine finds herself stuck in a very similar position to me at the moment: stuck in the remnants of promise because the Dom got what they wanted and then the relationship turned cold.
Someone very close to me, who is a Domme, explains her hard edged approach to domination: she too tells of how it is an emotionless 'arrangement' and it gets her service.
So what is it with domination? that you Dom(me)s don't want the whole package? I get graded 'outstanding' in my professional life. I got the IQ of Einstein. I can run a household, birth children, raise 'em single handed, oh yes and I can actually cross the road and chew gum at the same time ok.
And yes have taken a total stand recently and am getting the respect, love and attention I feel I deserve.
But why do so many Dom(me)s have to reduce us, minimalise us, put us down, use us as a place to stay, as a stop off place whilst they get their act together.... so forth and so on. Can't you handle greatness? Leave me alone unless you can handle greatness.
OK rant over...back in the kitchen for a cup of tea and then in the garden to tease out weeds, back into the lull and the mellowness of this sceptered Isle, this quiet market town called England.................

Sounds like you need to find new dom/mes to hang out with. Those type of people are just users. They give sincere dominants a really bad name.

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(in reply to Prinsexx)

Post #: 2

RE: Dominants getting what they want - 3/8/2009 3:47:15 AM

Prinsexx

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quote:

ORIGINAL: rubberpet

Sounds like you need to find new dom/mes to hang out with. Those type of people are just users. They give sincere dominants a really bad name.

There was a point when I even started to see the sincerity as just another game.

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To my stalker:
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Post #: 3

RE: Dominants getting what they want - 3/8/2009 3:48:10 AM

MadameMarque

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You could just as easily be describing anyone who loves the thrill of the chase, and who, the moment they've made their conquest, or 'had that,' or been accepted, moves on. If someone knows how to spot one of those, ahead of time, do tell. They're very convincing. They really do want you, till they get you.

Don't think those types are restricted to the lead end of the leash, in our subculture, either.

(in reply to Prinsexx)

Post #: 4

RE: Dominants getting what they want - 3/8/2009 3:49:34 AM

ExSteelAgain

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From: Georgia
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Since you are in Great Britain maybe a tale of knights is apt. Sir Lancelot came upon Guinevere when she was feeling bored and isolated. Lancelot had a good heart, but he also had a side that made him entice women and the beautiful wife of the King. He didn't change.

Wouldn’t you say it was up to Guinevere to avoid the temptation of the exciting knight? When we look back at their tragic end we feel pity for her, but would she find who caused their fate by looking inward?

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Post #: 5

RE: Dominants getting what they want - 3/8/2009 4:27:44 AM

Prinsexx

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Joined: 8/27/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MadameMarque

You could just as easily be describing anyone who loves the thrill of the chase, and who, the moment they've made their conquest, or 'had that,' or been accepted, moves on. If someone knows how to spot one of those, ahead of time, do tell. They're very convincing. They really do want you, till they get you.

Don't think those types are restricted to the lead end of the leash, in our subculture, either.

You know I have been thinking about this type of 'dynamic' a great deal recently. No, it's not common to one side of the whip or the other and it's not only inherent in the so-called lifestyle.
I call this dynamic push you, pull me' and it's a term that refers to any number of mind games that go like this:
1. other loves the thrill of the chase...then when they got you they don't want you again...either it's an immediate ignoring or a slow dying off of attention. Emails trail off, taking for granted sets in, play becaomes less frequent and (if you are a live in dynamic...the bdsm slips away to be taken up by boring vanilla.
2 ..as a s type the more you submit the more they withdraw. When you play hard to get... feigning poly, being flip, turning down the submission...they get engaged again, wanting to punish etc

So: whilst one side of the equation gets what they want, the other side retreats. It's a head game not a head fuck... head fucks are different.

Look it feels just like being that two headed horse in Dr Dolittle that's what it feels like. It just leads to learned helplessness and not knowing how to move forward, or in worse case scenarios, that one doesn't have the right to move forward. It leads to holding back.
PS edited to add: the term for it is ambivalent attachment but it stinks, it really does.

< Message edited by Prinsexx -- 3/8/2009 4:28:37 AM >

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Post #: 6

RE: Dominants getting what they want - 3/8/2009 4:45:01 AM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Prinsexx

But why do so many Dom(me)s have to reduce us, minimalise us, put us down, use us as a place to stay, as a stop off place whilst they get their act together.... so forth and so on. Can't you handle greatness?

I'm used to the complete opposite.

People that do that type of thing are often are the sort that will use anyone willing, submissive or not, to get what they want. Putting people down is a way of elevating themselves and there are plenty of submissive people that are desperate enough to accept it, or mistake it for *being in service to*, when in fact , they are simply a means to an end.

People like this don't want your *greatness*, they want what THEY want, not necessarily what YOU can offer as a person. You'll be of interest all the while you're giving them something they want, and when they can either no longer get it , or they have no further need for it, you will be yesterday's news, a no longer required commodity.

agirl

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Post #: 7

RE: Dominants getting what they want - 3/8/2009 4:46:25 AM

DarkSteven

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Joined: 5/2/2008
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It's not really fair to use the example of a man in his early twenties. Of course there's a high chance that he would not be ready to settle down.

I've got a statistical bent of mind, so I'm curious whether Dom/mes would be statistically less ready to settle down than the population at large, which seems to be an implied assumption of yours.

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The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

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Post #: 8

RE: Dominants getting what they want - 3/8/2009 4:54:55 AM

Prinsexx

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Joined: 8/27/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: ExSteelAgain

Since you are in Great Britain maybe a tale of knights is apt. Sir Lancelot came upon Guinevere when she was feeling bored and isolated. Lancelot had a good heart, but he also had a side that made him entice women and the beautiful wife of the King. He didn't change.

Wouldn’t you say it was up to Guinevere to avoid the temptation of the exciting knight? When we look back at their tragic end we feel pity for her, but would she find who caused their fate by looking inward?

When Knights were bold eh?
I'll have to go read about Sir Lance-a-lot again oh and Robin Hood.... I suppose going to the Good-Bad-Guy is deeply rooted in a woman's psyche.. no gender bias intenede here. I am sure just as many male s types go for the bad Domme and for all other genders inbetween I guess going for the bad-as-good and the ugly is just something that holds an attraction all of it's own.
I've already said above that I know it's ambivalent attachment style for me at least. The wires got seriously crossed between love and pain...I know when and how and all the details of it from my childhood, done years of analysis, and wrote a book etc.
Ambivalence is a HUGE trap. Instinct always informed me that I was deep down setting myself up for a fall. That although I really hoped to be the one to change him, I couldn't anyway, and I wouldn't. Indeed it was me that needed to change.
So: I am asking: was there an invisible bar code on my head that said; all use welcome here?
Chilvary has a shelf life methinks.

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Owner of asterion

Metawhore.... the sound of a metaphore when gagged
Free woman
Resident thread finisher
To my stalker:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LN2lP_7J7GI&feature=fvwrel

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Post #: 9

RE: Dominants getting what they want - 3/8/2009 4:59:37 AM

Prinsexx

Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

It's not really fair to use the example of a man in his early twenties. Of course there's a high chance that he would not be ready to settle down.

I've got a statistical bent of mind, so I'm curious whether Dom/mes would be statistically less ready to settle down than the population at large, which seems to be an implied assumption of yours.

Who said anything about settling down? I certainly did not imply it was about a dominant's or anyone else's willingness to settle down.
What I hope I was implying was that there seemed to be a genetral lack of an ability to sustain the initial 'duties' of contract. That submissives, in general, (I know it's bad to generalise0 but that submissives in general are the more soul searching, the more willing to see it as their fault, the more willing to express guilt. yes express gulit... NOT shame...guilt being an inferred admittance of being wrong. Now admitting gulit gets a playful response of being punished yes? But how long does that dynam,ic get played over and over and become the reason d'etre?
No idosagree...thois has nothing to do with settling down.

_____________________________

Owner of asterion

Metawhore.... the sound of a metaphore when gagged
Free woman
Resident thread finisher
To my stalker:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LN2lP_7J7GI&feature=fvwrel

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 10

RE: Dominants getting what they want - 3/8/2009 5:02:52 AM

Prinsexx

Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: agirl

quote:

ORIGINAL: Prinsexx

But why do so many Dom(me)s have to reduce us, minimalise us, put us down, use us as a place to stay, as a stop off place whilst they get their act together.... so forth and so on. Can't you handle greatness?

I'm used to the complete opposite.

People that do that type of thing are often are the sort that will use anyone willing, submissive or not, to get what they want. Putting people down is a way of elevating themselves and there are plenty of submissive people that are desperate enough to accept it, or mistake it for *being in service to*, when in fact , they are simply a means to an end.

People like this don't want your *greatness*, they want what THEY want, not necessarily what YOU can offer as a person. You'll be of interest all the while you're giving them something they want, and when they can either no longer get it , or they have no further need for it, you will be yesterday's news, a no longer required commodity.

agirl

Now you say it in far simpler words than I can.And I agree with evetry word. It's hard though looking at oneself fair and square in the mirror and admitting that one was used. It's hard word getting up off one's knees, getting up off the floor, dusting oneself off and starting all over again.

Lucky that scars make one's skin thicker though.
Thanks agirl. Yo have this way of being able to just state stuff with clarity.

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Owner of asterion

Metawhore.... the sound of a metaphore when gagged
Free woman
Resident thread finisher
To my stalker:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LN2lP_7J7GI&feature=fvwrel

(in reply to agirl)

Post #: 11

RE: Dominants getting what they want - 3/8/2009 5:10:53 AM

Christinestill

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prinsex, i was on the phone with a dominant from cm yesterday and he said (after he gave me a verbal kick in the ass for being so stupid with men lately), that a lot of us submissives want a dominant that will not only humiliate and use us, but also to love and care for us too and that's a hard thing to find. of course each person has their own needs as far as commitment, love, extent of d/s desired etc. when you think about it, it's amazing that 2 people can find each other and have enough goals in common that they do make it work. i'm not going to give up looking.

< Message edited by Christinestill -- 3/8/2009 5:12:12 AM >

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Post #: 12

RE: Dominants getting what they want - 3/8/2009 5:16:58 AM

InTonguesslave

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the thrill of the chase .v. submission - is the submissives dichotomy quite often

i believe its a balance:

keep youre greatness up there. youre strength youre beauty and youre spirit, the fire and life that draws people to you prin. dont squash that down. you are who you are. dont change.

im trying to find the balance between TPE and FTBM (free to be me) - sometimes they clash - not badly - not enough for it to be a big problem. just a little for Sir to frown and enjoy the image of punishing me for a moment or two, then it passes and usually he'll laugh because in the end he doesnt want to squash me. he is getting to know when im taking the piss and when im just being me.

men attracted to strong vibrant women dont want to squash them, or they shouldnt - sometimes i think its a problem for them too, to find the balance between controlling their slave enough and yet still keeping her spirit and fire burning sufficiently that she is still a little bit free even as she's kneeling there, sucking his cock.

purists will shout me down here im sure - but remember that everyone is different. the fiery, vibrant types attract fiery vibrant types and it takes different methods for different people with different needs and different kinks.

in the past ive thrown myself onto the sacrificial fire of submission, burned and bubbled away happily only to see the guy sauntering off without me - bloody charming! i thought.

some self preservatory elements have evolved and ive reviewed the whole: the thrill of the chase .v. submission.

< Message edited by InTonguesslave -- 3/8/2009 5:38:59 AM >

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RE: Dominants getting what they want - 3/8/2009 6:03:42 AM

Aileen1968

Posts: 6062
Joined: 12/12/2007
From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Prinsexx

But why do so many Dom(me)s have to reduce us, minimalise us, put us down, use us as a place to stay, as a stop off place whilst they get their act together.... so forth and so on. Can't you handle greatness? Leave me alone unless you can handle greatness.

I've found that when I had this happen in a relationship it occured when that is all I expected from the relationship. For me, allowing myself to be controlled by my cravings always led to relationships where I wasn't even looked at as a person. Once I decided to step back, control my frenzy and not settle for less than what I deserved is when I literally fell into a relationship where not only does he get every single thing he wants, but he continually wants more and more of not just the kink, but more and more of all aspects of me. (big run on sentence). It boils down to having enough self respect and not making the same choices over and over again and expecting a different result. I've said this before...you are the only constant in all of your relationships. If you don't like how they are then you have to step back and figure out what it is that you are doing to contribute to it.

< Message edited by Aileen1968 -- 3/8/2009 6:10:54 AM >

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RE: Dominants getting what they want - 3/8/2009 6:17:07 AM

FullfigRIMAAM1

Posts: 1160
Joined: 11/20/2008
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quote:

But why do so many Dom(me)s have to reduce us, minimalise us, put us down, use us as a place to stay, as a stop off place whilst they get their act together.... so forth and so on. Can't you handle greatness? Leave me alone unless you can handle greatness.

I'm sorry you ran into the wrong dominants to appreciate your greatness, but must tell you, that isn't a dominant problem in general... I understand you are speaking of your experience. I simply feel that among dominant traits/qualities, ought to be the ability to do/be more than a temporary squatter. M

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Post #: 15

RE: Dominants getting what they want - 3/8/2009 6:22:10 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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There are a lot of users in this world, in all walks of life. What's of most interest to me is why this is the only type you are attracted to? Until you figure that out, and change it, the users are the only ones you will get involved with.

You keep picking them. Why?

Because there are a great many of us here in relationships with dominants who do want, respect, esteem, admire and love the whole package. I'm in one. Sirsholly is, Beth is, GreedyTop is, PoenKitten is and so on. What's different between us and you except that we gravitate towards healthy relationships and you gravitate towards unhealthy ones?

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Post #: 16

RE: Dominants getting what they want - 3/8/2009 6:22:31 AM

catize

Posts: 3020
Joined: 3/7/2006
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quote:

Can't you handle greatness? Leave me alone unless you can handle greatness.

We all need to take responsibility for our own choices. If he/she isn’t so great, have enough self respect to tell them ‘no’

< Message edited by catize -- 3/8/2009 6:23:03 AM >

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Post #: 17

RE: Dominants getting what they want - 3/8/2009 6:38:16 AM

morganlefay

Posts: 1
Joined: 10/19/2008
Status: offline

quote:

2 ..as a s type the more you submit the more they withdraw. When you play hard to get... feigning poly, being flip, turning down the submission...they get engaged again, wanting to punish etc

This, I think, is a common problem but has never personally been one for me. If a "Dominant" allows this Topping from the bottom, imnsho, he's no Dominant. Back to the drawing board, I think. Got to be someone who's a good match in all of this earth, this realm, this England

(in reply to catize)

Post #: 18

RE: Dominants getting what they want - 3/8/2009 6:40:54 AM

FullfigRIMAAM1

Posts: 1160
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Circular reasoning is so perpectly convenient, and almost always apropos to anything that ails us, isn't it? I wonder if it's only applicable to people with a subconcious need to be hurt by other people, or also to physical/emotional ailments. I wonder if everyone who runs into situations wants/deserves them. M

_____________________________

The place to improve the world is first in one's own heart and head and hands.-Robert M. Persig

Love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence Erich Fromm

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 19

RE: Dominants getting what they want - 3/8/2009 6:41:16 AM

daddysliloneds

Posts: 1351
Joined: 6/28/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

There are a lot of users in this world, in all walks of life. What's of most interest to me is why this is the only type you are attracted to? Until you figure that out, and change it, the users are the only ones you will get involved with.

You keep picking them. Why?

Because there are a great many of us here in relationships with dominants who do want, respect, esteem, admire and love the whole package. I'm in one. Sirsholly is, Beth is, GreedyTop is, PoenKitten is and so on. What's different between us and you except that we gravitate towards healthy relationships and you gravitate towards unhealthy ones?

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 20

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