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Too much vanilla - 3/17/2009 4:48:16 PM   
goodgirl85


Posts: 221
Joined: 4/16/2007
Status: offline 		So I have a problem and I don't know how to fix it. My Sir for some reason won't scene with me, nor will he punish me-physically or any other way.

Its been over a year since we've scened. The most kinky thing we do is have anal sex, and he'll spank me or pull my hair while we have sex.

I want more than this, and he knows i want more than this. This was all discussed before we even met. It was to be a fully D/s relationship, except in the public eye. I even asked for a weekend together where we scened for Christmas, and I'm still waiting. I even give Him ideas about what we could do, and new things we could try, and I try to tell Him that I want to scene, I've even asked Him to punish me more. I'm to the point where I find myself acting out or disobeying Him just so He'll punish me, and all that happens is we end up fighting.

He's put some rules in place that I'm supposed to follow but doesn't enforce them but they are small things like I have to wear my hair down, and no sweatpants when I'm with him and things like that.

I follow his rules, and please don't think I'm talking about punishments like they are fun, I know they are not supposed to be. But there are times when I've screwed up, and pissed Him off and He doesn't do anything about it. I feel like I should punish myself sometimes.

I've tried talking to Him about it, multiple times, and it gets me nowhere.

I love Him so much, I really feel like He is the one for me, but how can I make see Him that I need a little more of the constant D/s stuff?
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RE: Too much vanilla - 3/17/2009 5:09:33 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		Okay.  You've told him, and you've even got into fights over it.  And he won't change.

It looks like you may have a hard choice ahead of you - him or the lifestyle.

Good luck.




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The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

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RE: Too much vanilla - 3/17/2009 5:11:25 PM   
domiguy


Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline 		He's not that into you.

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RE: Too much vanilla - 3/17/2009 5:29:31 PM   
antipode


Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline
quote:

I've tried talking to Him about it, multiple times, and it gets me nowhere.


Try to get your head around this: You can't change him. He won't change. It is not unusual for someone to pretend to be different from what they really are, to "land the fish". I would wager that is the case here - he's got you, and now he goes back to his "core" behaviour. You've tried everything, so there really is no question. It may be he was in it for the hunt, and not for the roast, that's not uncommon.

Why you say "I really feel like He is the one for me" when he is clearly not I don't understand. You have been deceived, quite expertly, and it would be appropriate to be pissed off - you're not going to get what it is you asked for, and he is getting what he wanted. So pull your socks up, accept the facts as they lie before you, you've made them very clear, and then start thinking about how you can lead the life you want, and get what you need. It will not involve him - you cannot change people, people can only change themselves. You're young, and there are a lot of better choices for you.

(in reply to goodgirl85)
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RE: Too much vanilla - 3/17/2009 5:29:46 PM   
laura2161


Posts: 254
Joined: 3/8/2008
From: Duluth, GA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

Okay.  You've told him, and you've even got into fights over it.  And he won't change.

It looks like you may have a hard choice ahead of you - him or the lifestyle.

Good luck.





I agree with DarkSteven, and it is a very hard decision to make. It took me quite a few years to realize that I could not be happy or fulfilled without the Ds element even though I loved him very much.

You want it; He doesnt.  You have a choice to make.


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RE: Too much vanilla - 3/17/2009 5:31:22 PM   
MsFlutter


Posts: 1305
Joined: 11/12/2008
From: East Coast
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

Okay.  You've told him, and you've even got into fights over it.  And he won't change.

It looks like you may have a hard choice ahead of you - him or the lifestyle.

Good luck.


DarkSteven beat me to it...

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RE: Too much vanilla - 3/17/2009 5:48:39 PM   
FawneTwo


Posts: 98
Status: offline 		Smiles and a friendly and  most polite howdy -

quote:

ORIGINAL: goodgirl85

"I have a problem and I don't know how to fix it".


Please read this sentence again. What is missing?


quote:

" How can I make see Him that I need a little more of the constant D/s stuff?


Make Him?

...smiles
c'mon...

[ it is divine to quote again]

Love to all, Fawne

(in reply to goodgirl85)
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RE: Too much vanilla - 3/17/2009 5:58:05 PM   
girlygurl


Posts: 6973
Joined: 8/5/2007
From: in the palms of His hands
Status: offline 		It sounds to me that you've already told him of your needs. If he's not willing or just isn't into the same things as you, then I would say he isn't the "one" for you.... unless you're willing to settle for less than you want.

Fawne..... It's my opinion that for your first post it's not cool to rip on someone's post... a slip of the tongue, spelling error, or grammatical error.. they happen all the time. Be careful at throwing stones on the threads, a bolder may smack ya up side the head. just sayin. be well.

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happily forever one

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RE: Too much vanilla - 3/17/2009 6:03:03 PM   
catize


Posts: 3020
Joined: 3/7/2006
Status: offline 		We can’t change other people.  The only thing we can change is how we respond to them.  Your choices are clear; accept him and your relationship as is; move on; or continue to bang your head against that brick wall. 
Acceptance will take some introspection and total self honesty.  There can be no hidden agenda; i.e. “If I pretend to be satisfied with the way things are, maybe he will eventually come around.”  Consider how to accomplish a real alteration of your expectations. 
I would suggest drawing a line down the middle of a big piece of paper.  List the pros and cons of each option.  Study the list, add to it, and think about it. 
Tough decisions ahead.  I wish you well!

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(in reply to goodgirl85)
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RE: Too much vanilla - 3/17/2009 6:04:43 PM   
DavanKael


Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline 		Perhaps you'll have better luck than did I but I spent the better portion of a decade and a half attempting to get my husband to care about my desires...he didn't care.  Hard to fathom, I know because I invested in his and figured if people love each other, that's what they do.  Well, I can definitely say that is not always the case.  It sucketh greatly but it's true. 
Best wishes, 
  Davan

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-Me

Waiting is

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(in reply to girlygurl)
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RE: Too much vanilla - 3/17/2009 6:17:48 PM   
Jeptha


Posts: 780
Joined: 9/18/2008
From: Portland, Oregon
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: goodgirl85
... I even give Him ideas about what we could do, and new things we could try, and I try to tell Him that I want to scene, I've even asked Him to punish me more. I'm to the point where I find myself acting out or disobeying Him just so He'll punish me, and all that happens is we end up fighting. ...
Don't intentionally screw up. That's just not good communication. He might interpret it as you not caring, or worse, if you've obviously done it purposely.

Maybe go over a bdsm checklist together. Try and see what turns his crank that you haven't explored, that you might have a curiosity in common about.

A lot of people groan and roll their eyes like 40's movie heroines at the checklist idea, but I like that it is nuts n' bolts kind of stuff. Sometimes you have to get into smaller detail, rather than talking about something conceptual and fuzzy (~terms like "scening", for example).

(in reply to goodgirl85)
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RE: Too much vanilla - 3/17/2009 6:31:43 PM   
FawneTwo


Posts: 98
Status: offline 		Thank you for the warning girlygurl. I'm sorry my words were misunderstood.

I was hinting that the use of the word  "We" ( some would prefer He) may be more appropriate than "i" in this context.  The pair have a relationship.   

no offense meant

* we can argue that every individual is responsible for her or his actions and well being but you know we'd be here all night. might be fun, but again ...

all the best to everyone

< Message edited by FawneTwo -- 3/17/2009 6:32:26 PM >

(in reply to girlygurl)
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RE: Too much vanilla - 3/17/2009 6:40:43 PM   
goodgirl85


Posts: 221
Joined: 4/16/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: FawneTwo

Smiles and a friendly and  most polite howdy -

quote:

ORIGINAL: goodgirl85

"I have a problem and I don't know how to fix it".


Please read this sentence again. What is missing?


quote:

" How can I make see Him that I need a little more of the constant D/s stuff?


Make Him?

...smiles
c'mon...

[ it is divine to quote again]

Love to all, Fawne


First of all what is missing? Cuz the sentence seems fine to me.  And second, I'm not trying to change him, I just Him to see that the lifestyle is a part of me and I need to incorporate that into my life.

(in reply to FawneTwo)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Too much vanilla - 3/17/2009 6:53:51 PM   
FawneTwo


Posts: 98
Status: offline 		I'm sorry goodgirl85.  It's not the sentence, really! I just mean - as other's have said - the two of you need to work something out, maybe.
please accept my apology

peace

(in reply to goodgirl85)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Too much vanilla - 3/17/2009 7:02:12 PM   
peppermint


Posts: 5173
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
Status: offline
quote:

And second, I'm not trying to change him, I just Him to see that the lifestyle is a part of me and I need to incorporate that into my life.


And....it seems he does NOT want to incorporate that into his life as he seems to like his life just as it is.  If you continue to keep telling him what you need, and he keeps ignoring what you need then you have a tough choice to make. 

(in reply to goodgirl85)
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RE: Too much vanilla - 3/17/2009 7:10:04 PM   
ThomasMore


Posts: 52
Joined: 9/25/2007
Status: offline 		"He's not that into you."

I second that emotion.

(in reply to domiguy)
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RE: Too much vanilla - 3/17/2009 8:21:22 PM   
feydeplume


Posts: 935
Joined: 12/24/2008
Status: offline 		There is the not so popular option of getting these needs met outside this relationship. It is a hard choice to make, but it is an option. It doesn't have to be walk away or suck it up, there is stay and have another in your life that meets the needs that are not being filled.

I wish you the best, because the longer you let this go on, the more painful and unsafe it will become for you and for him.


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If it has testicle or tires, it's gonna give you the fidgets.
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Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Too much vanilla - 3/17/2009 9:42:46 PM   
heartbound


Posts: 43
Joined: 1/11/2008
Status: offline 		I have been in this situation before.  It is very difficult when you feel like your partner is not fulfilling your needs.  However, there may be reasons for it that don't have to exactly do with you.  If there is a lot of work/family/financial stress, he may be too wrapped up in life to give the D/s side of things any attention.  One option to consider is to put the D/s on hold for a while so you can both assess what your needs and wants are.  Either way, I hope it works out for you.  

(in reply to feydeplume)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Too much vanilla - 3/17/2009 9:52:56 PM   
Juliannadelion


Posts: 869
Joined: 7/25/2008
From: circusofthedamned
Status: offline 		I do hope that you don't spend several years of your life trying to make a square peg fit in a round hole.

I spent three and a half years trying to get my dominant to meet my needs.  And occasionally when he would throw me a bone, it would get my hopes up and I would hang on for a little longer.  This lead to alot of fights, unhappiness and heart ache in the end.

You've done everything you can to express your wants and desires clearly.  He either doesn't care, or can't be bothered.  Either way - that is not good for you.

You have to decide if you wish to live a vanilla life with this man.  Or decide to be your own person and find exactly what it is that you want.

I did, and I am so much happier for it now.

Best wishes to you, the road will not be easy, but it will be worth it in the end.

_____________________________


Do you think this kind of love happens every day? ~ Asher

Bonded by blood, bound to His soul, soon to be his wife, owned by AsherDeLampyr

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RE: Too much vanilla - 3/18/2009 3:07:20 AM   
ranja


Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline 		Yes I am with feydeplume...and if a flesh affair is not an option...try cyber, it can greatly stimulate you if you are lucky to find a good lead and might make you feel very sexy and alluring...He might wonder what's going on and pay more attention, in my experience men prefer a sexy woman to a needy one.
Good luck, i have been there...

(in reply to goodgirl85)
Profile   Post #: 20
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