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Can trust be rebuilt? - 3/19/2009 5:47:48 PM   
sklavinxandria


Posts: 61
Joined: 12/26/2004
From: Nebraska
Status: offline
Delima or not, i don't know.  All i know is i need to get this one out. So bear with me.

Tuesday night and Wednesday afternoon i was feeling very ill, got sick very early Wednesday morning and went to work but didn't function and came home early.  At first i thought he had caused a deep bruise or something that had not shown up yet.  Well laid down in bed and the pain got increasingly worse quickly.  Rolling with me when i moved and stayed in one spot on my chest.  He finally suggests that i head to urgent care since he had no clue what the problem was and couldn't see anything.  Okie, fine.  So, out of bed i get and get dressed.  Head upstairs and he proceeded to tell me where the closes urgent care is (new house and i don't know where things are out there).  i stand there and beg, tears down the face, chest pains from hell, begging him to go with me, to drive me.  His answer.  "you can do it"  UM  WTF?! i can do it?!?!! He tells me that i know his issues with Docs and ERs.  Um.. no i don't cause gee, you treat communication like a reward and don't fricken talk to me!

i bite my tongue, and do a very very slow count back from ten, tell him he can explain that crap to me later and i, with chest pains drive my own butt to the urgent care.  Long short, chest pains were a gall bladder attack, i get a nuclear done tomorrow.  i still have been biting my tongue waiting to hear his explination on the huge break of trust and okie, bluntly, lack of balls to suck it up and head to the dang urgent care with me.

Am i considering leaving, i honestly don't know.  i know that the basis of trust is gone right now for me and i am thinking of saying chuck the contract and the rules and rebuild it for me.  i know i have screwed up in the past, not following a rule and such but nothing this big.

So, how do you rebuild the trust?


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RE: Can trust be rebuilt? - 3/19/2009 6:00:39 PM   
OmegaG


Posts: 1474
Joined: 10/23/2007
Status: offline 		Your health and safety is of the utmost importance.  I've had gallstones and I know how hard it is to function with them.  At the time I was single and my ex's mother drove me to the ER (and she has hospital issues to, but she wanted me safe).

The fact that he treated this issue lisghtly is something that I could not tolerate were I you.  I honestly can't imagine what his issues could be that would prevent him from taking care of you.

You have to think of the future and worse case scenarios and you have to think of your well being since he doesn't seem to feel he's obligated to.  Hell, even if his phobia is so bad that he coudn't even drive in the parking lot, could he have called a cab, a neighbor or friend or an ambulance?  Does he care that little for you that he didn't care if it was unwise for you to drive, that you could have been furthur hurt on the road to the UC?

Hell, I wouldn't even blow off a mild aquanttance like that, I'd drive the person who lives 8 houses down from me who I've never met if they displayed that kind of pain.

Sorry, his actions kind of make me mad.



_____________________________


Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable. Sydney J. Harris

Sex without pain is like food without taste.
- de Sade

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RE: Can trust be rebuilt? - 3/19/2009 6:01:41 PM   
Vanityfull


Posts: 196
Joined: 3/6/2009
Status: offline 		i generally dont try to rebuild relationships after my trust is really broken with someone. on rare occasion i find it worth the effort i recomend talking to them, express in detail how the situation made you feel, trust is about communication if you cant talk about what hurt you you cant heal the relationship, if you feel you cant talk to them about what happened you should step away. trying to make things work is good so long as it doesnt compermise your feelings.

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RE: Can trust be rebuilt? - 3/19/2009 6:10:18 PM   
frazzle121


Posts: 116
Joined: 3/28/2007
Status: offline 		Your safety shoud have over ridden anything else.
Making you drive yourself!!!

I dont care what phobias or issues, He could have dropped you off 200 yards away.

Talk, then take a long look. 

What if you physically couldnt have driven???

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RE: Can trust be rebuilt? - 3/19/2009 6:21:42 PM   
tazzygirl


Posts: 37833
Joined: 10/12/2007
Status: offline 		chest pains.. first thought.. heart attack.. even the hospitals consider that first, so do most lay people.  understandable how your upset.  i also hd gallbladder problems, and, yes, they can mimic a heart attack.

my advice.. ask him point blank why he has issues with the hospital.  some people do have vaild fears.  but, for me, and this is just my personal opinion, if he cant put aside that fear for the sake of the health and welfare of the woman he dominates, whats really in control?

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RIP, my demon-child 5-16-11
Duchess of Dissent 1
Dont judge me because I sin differently than you.
If you want it sugar coated, dont ask me what i think! It would violate TOS.

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RE: Can trust be rebuilt? - 3/19/2009 6:21:56 PM   
natasha66


Posts: 321
Joined: 10/14/2006
From: NJ
Status: offline 		Not saying what i really think of this twit, cuz it would not be flowers and candy.  Run, Forrest, run!!!!

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"If you bother me again I shall visit you in the small hours of the night and put a bat up your nightdress".
~Basil Fawlty

Collared June 4th, 2008
Love is giving him the power to destroy you, but trusting him not to.



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RE: Can trust be rebuilt? - 3/19/2009 6:27:10 PM   
DomMeinCT


Posts: 2355
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline 		Do you WANT to rebuild the trust?

I can't understand how someone's own issue with docs and ERs could preclude driving a sick partner to a medical center. What does he do when he has to drive by an urgent care center or hospital, take a detour?

It's probably not productive to expend energy trying to find out why he has these issues; the question you could ask  him is "How can I trust you to take care of me in the future?"


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The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances:
if there is any reaction, both are transformed.
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RE: Can trust be rebuilt? - 3/19/2009 6:32:24 PM   
chamberqueen


Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline 		I respectfully disagree with the others.  I think that you are angry that he did not do as you wished.  You were in pain and were scared and you wanted him to do something that he didn't want to do.  You have every right to your feelings, but some people simply do not handle medical emergencies well at all. 

It is completely your choice whether to trust him or not.  You apparently already knew that he had issues with doctors and hospitals.  You have CHOSEN not to trust him because he did not give you as much help as you wanted.

Can you ever trust him to take you to the doctor if something is wrong?  Probably not.  Can you trust him in other areas?  Probably, as long as he hasn't given you any signs that you can't.  I see this as much more of an anger issue from your description than as one of trust.  You have every right to your anger, but if he has true phobias - whether he explained them to you up front or not - they will not go away simply because you need help.  Now you know that you cannot count on him to take care of a medical emergency, but he did show you that he cared.  He tried to check you to see what was wrong and he gave you instructions on how to get there.  That may not be as much as you wanted but he did what he could. 

Some men just don't handle medical situations well.  It only needs to destroy the relationship if you feel that it is important enough to you that he be willing to do that.  If you like everything else about him but he fails on that one point then just get used to taking care of your own health even if it means you need to call your own taxi or 911. 


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RE: Can trust be rebuilt? - 3/19/2009 6:37:56 PM   
tazzygirl


Posts: 37833
Joined: 10/12/2007
Status: offline
quote:


His answer.  "you can do it"  UM  WTF?! i can do it?!?!! He tells me that i know his issues with Docs and ERs.  Um.. no i don't cause gee, you treat communication like a reward and don't fricken talk to me!


think you missed this part, chamerqueen

_____________________________

Telling me to take Midol wont help your butthurt.
RIP, my demon-child 5-16-11
Duchess of Dissent 1
Dont judge me because I sin differently than you.
If you want it sugar coated, dont ask me what i think! It would violate TOS.

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RE: Can trust be rebuilt? - 3/19/2009 6:41:31 PM   
sklavinxandria


Posts: 61
Joined: 12/26/2004
From: Nebraska
Status: offline
i never knew he had issues with doctors or hospitals or ERs.  It was never told to me, it was never discussed.  Hell, honestly when would it come up in a normal conversation.  Ohh hey btw, i have a deathly fear of doctor's, drive yourself.  Which is what he told me assuming i knew his issues.  Nope, don't know them and still don't cause he thinks quality of communication is a reward vs quantity.


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RE: Can trust be rebuilt? - 3/19/2009 6:41:33 PM   
MissLaura1973


Posts: 161
Joined: 11/11/2008
Status: offline 		Look - I have a fairly severe phobia when it comes to hospitals and such, but that's my issue to deal with. It sure as hell isn't allowed to come before the well-being of anyone else, much less someone that I love.

I cannot imagine attempting to rebuild trust with someone who had such a callous disregard for your health - for your life. If he blew it in this situation, well ... I was going to say "What would he do in an emergency?" but this WAS an emergency and he royally fucked up as dominant and as a fellow human being.

No one can tell you what you should or shouldn't do. But I would encourage you to think about whether or not this is someone you want to trust, whether or not you want to put time into attempting to rebuild a relationship with them. Your welfare needs to come first - you need to be true to yourself and your needs and your physical and mental health.

If you were a friend of mine and came to me with this story, I'd go ballistic and tell you to get the hell out of the house and into some place with a friend or on your own. And I'd tell you that you're too valuable and wonderful of a person to be treated with such disregard.

Your dominant / owner / master should be ashamed of himself.

Edited to add: The whole lack of communication on his part is another red flag to me - don't tie yourself to someone that doesn't give you what you need.



< Message edited by MissLaura1973 -- 3/19/2009 6:43:22 PM >

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RE: Can trust be rebuilt? - 3/19/2009 6:42:19 PM   
OmegaG


Posts: 1474
Joined: 10/23/2007
Status: offline 		ChamberQueen, from her original post "He tells me that i know his issues with Docs and ERs.  Um.. no i don't cause gee, you treat communication like a reward and don't fricken talk to me!"

Here's the thing with me, in a nomral relationship, I'd expect my partner to help me when I am in need.  In a D/s relationship where accidents can happen during play, I would be scared shitless to be with a man who couldn't handle a medical emergency.  What if she passes out during play, what happens if she has a siezure one day when climbing the stairs out of the blue, what would have happened if she passed out when she was driving.  My galstones caused projectile vomitting and diarreah, there is no way in hell I could have driven.

Adult people who are responsible need to put their fears or phobias aside in a true emergency, not be hindered by them.  So he gave her directions, big fat hairy deal, she was in no condition to follow them appropriately.

I'm sorry but he's a selfish ass and of I were in his shoes I'd be walking out the door sans explinantion, my health comes before any contract (Which I have to wonder had any provisions about him taking responsibility for her health and well-being).

And you're damned straight that she has a right to be angry, when one is in incredible pain (worse then having a baby, trust me), it's not about getting their way, it's about being taken care of responsibly and safely.


_____________________________


Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable. Sydney J. Harris

Sex without pain is like food without taste.
- de Sade

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RE: Can trust be rebuilt? - 3/19/2009 6:44:38 PM   
sklavinxandria


Posts: 61
Joined: 12/26/2004
From: Nebraska
Status: offline
i have been back at my house (keep it for these very reasons obviously) since Wednesday.  My friend is ready to fly back and kill him, my ex probably would if the airfare didn't kill him.  My parents, well i know what my mother is feeling, my father is being kept in the dark cause it is safer for everyone at the moment. 


_____________________________

it is hard to smile while wearing a gas mask

Come to the dark side, we have cookies

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RE: Can trust be rebuilt? - 3/19/2009 6:49:44 PM   
YourhandMyAss


Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		I would say chuck his ass. I am sorry, but the lack of care he showed towards your distress,  speaks volumes about what kind of person he is.

He could of driven you and droped you off in the parking lot, or called and payed for a cab.

Someone who won't try to master a fear to help someone they claim to care about, when that someone is in deep shit, doesn't deserve the person they're refusing to help.

My Daddy is terrified of Dentists just the mention gives  him hebe jeebies, and when I had to go to the dentist to get my teeth cleaned he tried to master his terror to sit with me in the dentist office, cause I wanted him to.  He was terrified, he was on the verge of tears, and he was shaking and he still stayed for me.

quote:

ORIGINAL: sklavinxandria



Tuesday night and Wednesday afternoon i was feeling very ill, got sick very early Wednesday morning and went to work but didn't function and came home early.  At first i thought he had caused a deep bruise or something that had not shown up yet.  Well laid down in bed and the pain got increasingly worse quickly.  Rolling with me when i moved and stayed in one spot on my chest.  He finally suggests that i head to urgent care since he had no clue what the problem was and couldn't see anything.  Okie, fine.  So, out of bed i get and get dressed.  Head upstairs and he proceeded to tell me where the closes urgent care is (new house and i don't know where things are out there).  i stand there and beg, tears down the face, chest pains from hell, begging him to go with me, to drive me.  His answer.  "you can do it"  UM  WTF?! i can do it?!?!! He tells me that i know his issues with Docs and ERs.  Um.. no i don't cause gee, you treat communication like a reward and don't fricken talk to me!

i


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RE: Can trust be rebuilt? - 3/19/2009 6:50:30 PM   
frazzle121


Posts: 116
Joined: 3/28/2007
Status: offline 		A phobia of doctors etc is not a good enough reason to put anyones life at risk. I dont care if you're sub/slave/martian, a medical emergency is just that, an emergency.

This isnt even a D's question, its concern for a fellow being.

To the Op.

He blew trust out the window, can it be rebuilt?   i doubt it, but that is up to you.

Do you want to be with someone who doesnt give a damn about your well being?


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RE: Can trust be rebuilt? - 3/19/2009 6:51:08 PM   
MissLaura1973


Posts: 161
Joined: 11/11/2008
Status: offline 		Good - protect yourself and don't waste any more time with this person. Seriously - you're intelligent, rational, and lovely - don't put up with being treated like crap, whether it's from a "dom" or a 'nilla person. There are good folks in this world - let yourself heal and grieve over this relationship, then reassess who you are and where you are in your life and what it is that you need.


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Though boys throw stones at frogs in sport, the frogs do not die in sport, but in earnest --- Bion

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RE: Can trust be rebuilt? - 3/19/2009 6:51:16 PM   
WyldHrt


Posts: 6412
Joined: 6/5/2008
Status: offline
quote:

You were in pain and were scared and you wanted him to do something that he didn't want to do.

Honestly, chamberqueen, you make it sound like she's angry because he refused to do the dishes.
quote:

If you like everything else about him but he fails on that one point then just get used to taking care of your own health even if it means you need to call your own taxi or 911.

That should work out very well when she's bound and something goes wrong during a scene.

To the OP- IMNSHO, the fact that he allowed you to drive at all let alone instructed you to do so while you were having severe chest pain is very telling. For myself, I would not be with a D who would do such a thing.


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RE: Can trust be rebuilt? - 3/19/2009 6:53:21 PM   
YourhandMyAss


Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		I feel that any man or woman worth having will not let his or her phobia's stand in the way of the potential safety of his partner. And if you care more about not facing your phobia than seeing your partner to the hospital you're a spineless coward, and deserve a good kicking. It's just as simple as that.

If I couldn't trust my partner, with 100 percent of my saftey, I wouldn't date him, nor would I recommend others to date someone like that.

And the fact he treats communication as a treat to be handed out, and not a valuable part of the relationship, like others said is just a huge red flag.

quote:

ORIGINAL: chamberqueen

but if he has true phobias - whether he explained them to you up front or not - they will not go away simply because you need help.


< Message edited by YourhandMyAss -- 3/19/2009 6:59:11 PM >

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RE: Can trust be rebuilt? - 3/19/2009 7:02:11 PM   
frazzle121


Posts: 116
Joined: 3/28/2007
Status: offline 		I'd like to add another comment to chambers response.

So if you have a medical emergency during  say "play", actually forget play, during every day life things, your car crashes.   serious cut (im talking major blood vessels), heart problems. Your Dom dislikes the medical profession, for what ever reason, you'd be happy to die!!!        i dont think so.

< Message edited by frazzle121 -- 3/19/2009 7:05:15 PM >

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RE: Can trust be rebuilt? - 3/19/2009 7:03:08 PM   
antipode


Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline
quote:

So, how do you rebuild the trust?


If someone at my house is violently ill, I either drive them to the nearest ER, or I call an ambulance. No exceptions - it is actually a rule in the contract I normally use (I'll pay for it 'n all, if necessary).

I can't believe I am reading you straight - you could have had lord knows what, you could have died, and you are considering sticking with this guy? Are you mental? Sorry to come on so strong, but you really need to look after # 1 here. Somebody who is unable to take their mate, sub or slave to the ER is not master of anything, trust me. Sheesh.

(in reply to sklavinxandria)
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