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RE: To confront or not confront... - 3/20/2009 2:40:01 PM

thatonebitch

Posts: 27
Joined: 3/20/2009
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I did talk to him, and he told me what was going on. It was an old profile he had long before he met me, and he got an email from them saying somebody emailed him on there and just logged on to see what they said. I believe him. He's never lied to me before.

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Post #: 21

RE: To confront or not confront... - 3/20/2009 2:42:04 PM

thatonebitch

Posts: 27
Joined: 3/20/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Prinsexx
You know what I would be tempted to do?
Surely?
C'mon now?
make up a profile and make a hit on him........
and oh pleerrrssse don't tell me this is unethical.........

I actually thought about doing that...could be hot under different circumstances.

(in reply to Prinsexx)

Post #: 22

RE: To confront or not confront... - 3/20/2009 2:45:51 PM

stella41b

Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline

Hmmm. You get a phone call from a friend that your dom has an active profile on another site, right?

Okay, so what is he doing..? Not what he's written, not what he's saying, but actually what is he doing?

Still not sure or reassured? Then start talking, and listening.. but not confronting.. not until you have hard evidence from his actions.

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Post #: 23

RE: To confront or not confront... - 3/20/2009 2:46:03 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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quote:

ORIGINAL: thatonebitch

quote:

ORIGINAL: Prinsexx
You know what I would be tempted to do?
Surely?
C'mon now?
make up a profile and make a hit on him........
and oh pleerrrssse don't tell me this is unethical.........

I actually thought about doing that...could be hot under different circumstances.

For most people it would be the end of the relationship. Either you trust him or you don't. If you do, and there's no small voice in the back of your head whispering otherwise, then there is no reason to lie and cheat.

And if there is no trust, there is reason to lie and cheat, then you ought to end it upfront without bringing yourself down to his level. General his.

But I would believe him simply because guys so rarely get email that it doesn't matter if they change a profile or not.

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Post #: 24

RE: To confront or not confront... - 3/20/2009 4:02:19 PM

windchymes

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I'd pretty much believe him, but would keep a little bit of my guard up for awhile. And I wouldn't blindly and faithfully believe everything he told me, at least for awhile. But I would do that in a new relationship anyway (and 6 months is still new in the grand scheme of things).

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Post #: 25

RE: To confront or not confront... - 3/20/2009 4:55:40 PM

dove967

Posts: 102
Joined: 10/28/2006
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Ok....so you found a little something about your Dom that you're not sure of his intentions. But, you don't want to assume he's trying somthing sneaky,cuz, you don't want to hurt or offend him , thus, potentially incurring damage to your OWN relationship. Here's what I would do. Bring up the profile in question on the computer in front of him.....kiss him on the forehead and teasingly say in your sweetest little girl voice " You are so funny, Master! Keeping this profile up just to keep the ladies fawning over you!" Chuckle maternally as you walk away. You just killed two proverbial birds with one stone. You made him keenly aware that he's not hiding anything, while at the same time perserving your relationship by endearing him to you further with your clever and relaxed sense of humor. Trust me, sis, it's all in the delivery.

dove

(in reply to Prinsexx)

Post #: 26

RE: To confront or not confront... - 3/20/2009 5:07:15 PM

BeautyDebased

Posts: 96
Joined: 3/20/2009
From: My Masters Feet
Status: offline

quote:

You know what I would be tempted to do?
Surely?
C'mon now?
make up a profile and make a hit on him........
and oh pleerrrssse don't tell me this is unethical.........

*snicker* I would so fucking do that lol.....unethical? what are ethics again?

(in reply to Prinsexx)

Post #: 27

RE: To confront or not confront... - 3/20/2009 7:24:44 PM

antipode

Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline

quote:

make up a profile and make a hit on him........
and oh pleerrrssse don't tell me this is unethical.........

All's fair..... unethical or not. That has a risk built in. A sub wanting to test me once tried that with me.She wanted to know if I connected with her, and with the "other girl" as well. Some girls do this routinely, I know. From various clues, like her particular use of the English language (I was an author, once upon a time) I figured it out. Then, when I asked her, she denied it - purely out of embarassment. I then took her to pieces for not coming clean. It didn't end our liaison, but from that day I looked over my shoulder where she was concerned, when I normally give everybody new in my life the benefit of the doubt, I don't do this "building trust" BS.

(in reply to Prinsexx)

Post #: 28

RE: To confront or not confront... - 3/20/2009 7:27:42 PM

PommeDeMonSang

Posts: 3673
Joined: 1/23/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: thatonebitch

This isn't really a BDSM question, but it does pertain to my relationship, so I'm sorry if this is in the wrong place.

I received a phone call from my friend a little bit ago. She says she found a profile on a goth dating site that belongs to my dom. She sent me the link, and after I signed up for it, I saw what she told me she saw. That he is single and looking. And there's no mistaking it for him. He has the same username, the same picture that he has on other sites. Now, he has profiles on here and another BDSM site that I know about, but they both say he's taken. He's showed them to me. Now, on the other BDSM site, where we actually met, his friends on there *know* we're together. I don't know what to make of it all. At first I thought maybe it was an old profile, but it's still active. It shows his last log in as two weeks ago, right before I went to go see him.

Should I tell him what I know and ask for an explanation? How would you handle this?

i would gently but respectfully confront and share your worries. any good Dom would understand that.

(in reply to thatonebitch)

Post #: 29

RE: To confront or not confront... - 3/21/2009 7:44:35 AM

CreativeDominant

Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: dove967

Ok....so you found a little something about your Dom that you're not sure of his intentions. But, you don't want to assume he's trying somthing sneaky,cuz, you don't want to hurt or offend him , thus, potentially incurring damage to your OWN relationship. Here's what I would do. Bring up the profile in question on the computer in front of him.....kiss him on the forehead and teasingly say in your sweetest little girl voice " You are so funny, Master! Keeping this profile up just to keep the ladies fawning over you!" Chuckle maternally as you walk away. You just killed two proverbial birds with one stone. You made him keenly aware that he's not hiding anything, while at the same time perserving your relationship by endearing him to you further with your clever and relaxed sense of humor. Trust me, sis, it's all in the delivery.

dove

Unless he's smart enough to figure out that you're not being endearing nor communicative in a typical D/s manner but rather are using the whole endearing, maternal loving thing as a ruse to manipulate and control in a manner similar to many NON-submissive women.

Tell the truth here, submissive ladies...how many of you care to be manipulated in that sort of manner by your dominant?

< Message edited by CreativeDominant -- 3/21/2009 7:55:56 AM >

(in reply to dove967)

Post #: 30

RE: To confront or not confront... - 3/21/2009 8:12:19 AM

pinkwind

Posts: 367
Joined: 1/9/2005
Status: offline

To the OP...

i would be worried that the first thing that came to mind when getting this phone call from a "friend" was confrontation. After all, from what transpires it was a fairly innocuous thing, an old membership of a site he hardly uses.

There are lots of sites i used to be a member of that pop up asking me to log on or have my membership deleted, and i had almost forgotten they existed. Andy doesn't get bent out of shape about them. It happens to a fair number of us.

You have to look at your initial reaction to something that could well be innocent, and get a grip of the situation, understand that confrontation is negative, whereas communication will mearly always prove positive.

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(in reply to thatonebitch)

Post #: 31

RE: To confront or not confront... - 3/21/2009 8:18:18 AM

daddysliloneds

Posts: 1351
Joined: 6/28/2006
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asking questions doesn't lead to and/or have to be confrontational.

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Post #: 32

RE: To confront or not confront... - 3/21/2009 8:20:32 AM

NuevaVida

Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CreativeDominant

Tell the truth here, submissive ladies...how many of you care to be manipulated in that sort of manner by your dominant?

Not just no, but hell no.

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(in reply to CreativeDominant)

Post #: 33

RE: To confront or not confront... - 3/21/2009 9:58:29 AM

CalifChick

Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline

I prefer direct communication, rather than the passive-aggressive route.

Cali

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Post #: 34

RE: To confront or not confront... - 3/21/2009 10:18:19 AM

domiguy

Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
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Too funny, He checks his site after you have been together and supposedly in a committed relationship.

This is the deal, sweetpants...(Domiguy casually looks around to make sure that no "guy police" are in the vacinity) He is 100% aware of this profile and what is stated within. I am sure that he is sorry...That you found it. He didn't want to change this particular profile because he knew you had no knowledge of it and he didn't think that you would stumble upon it. It's nice to have your options open even when you find yourself in one of these "committed" relationships.

If you buy into what he is saying, you are a fool. If you are willing to accept his lie and cut him some slack that is entirely your choice.

Unfortunately, the scat is now out of the bag. It would be difficult to catch him in this lie because he is now aware of your knowledge of his covert activities. You fucked up.

Rest assured that this matter is far from over...It will soon rear up again in another form when you catch or suspect him of cheating. It is only a question of time.

(Domiguy sensing that the "guy police" are closing in, quickly sends this message and then proceeds to talk in an overly loud, exaggerated and enthusiastic manner about how I fucked a couple of ho's last night.)

< Message edited by domiguy -- 3/21/2009 10:33:38 AM >

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Post #: 35

RE: To confront or not confront... - 3/21/2009 8:40:53 PM

heartcream

Posts: 3044
Joined: 5/9/2007
From: Psychoalphadiscobetabioaquadoloop
Status: offline

For me who has been in some sort of similar situation like this, I would not believe him. Men who lie do it well and if you catch them in a lie they lie some more.

Honestly I met a local vanilla guy online a couple of years ago and he said blah blah and that is all he ever said. However by some circumstances I found that he was so full of doo-doo, almost everything he told me was a lie, even his name, how creepy is that? So for me your Dom is a player playing you. I could be wrong but for me I would smell crap and dump him.

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(in reply to domiguy)

Post #: 36

RE: To confront or not confront... - 3/21/2009 8:49:11 PM

subangi

Posts: 544
Joined: 5/11/2008
Status: offline

I would email him on those sites and say something seductively sweet

(in reply to thatonebitch)

Post #: 37

RE: To confront or not confront... - 3/21/2009 9:35:13 PM

boosire

Posts: 8
Joined: 4/11/2006
Status: offline

It may be an innocent oversight by him or it may not but confronting is never the right way. The mere word is dominant and so is the thought and the action it requires. Change your focus, it may seem like a little thing but saying clarifying vs confronting is a huge leap in level of submission. The real question is what you will do about it if he says yes he is still looking. What will happen if he says yes and will clarifying things do anything for you...are you leaving him if he says yes? Are you going to be less to him if he says yes. In this case if you are, then confronting him is facing the loss of the relationship. if not, then there is no sense at all to ask or confront because you will stay anyway. if you know what you will do and are willing to face the consequences of your actions, then you have answered your own question by answering the "what if its real" first.

I have left many things open and often I get an email or something and visit out of curiosity and do not have time to close the account (when i am with someone in a committed relationship) because i just popped in for a quick look. It does not mean I used it because I visited 3 days ago and i did not mention it because it was so unimportant to me. So it may all be innocent in his part as it has been in my part. The thing that may not be innocent and end up badly is the confrontation.

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(in reply to Prinsexx)

Post #: 38

RE: To confront or not confront... - 3/21/2009 9:42:52 PM

corsetgirl

Posts: 824
Joined: 5/22/2004
Status: offline

I would step back and think about how you will approach him because if you are very emotional, then this is not the right time to be discussing these things to him. It could be an honest mistake. I have had profiles on other websites and sometimes, I don't get any email from them, either, so it is like the "out of sight, out of mind" syndrome.

Just my

(in reply to Prinsexx)

Post #: 39

RE: To confront or not confront... - 3/21/2009 9:45:10 PM

KneelforAnne

Posts: 1011
Joined: 6/14/2006
Status: offline

Hello…

For me…I would have to ask.
Emphasis on ASK.

Confrontation is such an ugly word.
It can be done with grace and respect…

Think about how to approach the subject, and stay on topic…and accept his answers.

At that point, either you believe or you don’t.

Just make sure it’s all cleared up when you’re “done” talking about it.

Personally, I don’t think anything could be worse than having to go over the same issues again and again because you’re constantly unsure of where you stand with him.

Good luck!

(in reply to Prinsexx)

Post #: 40

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