My way or the highway?

My way or the highway? (Full Version)

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SimplyMichael -> My way or the highway? (3/23/2009 7:57:06 AM)
A teenage girl can control a boyfriend by saying “my way or the highway”. Would any of us call that dominance? I sure wouldn’t. Many of us could have a harem of women who we could effortlessly control with “my way or the highway.” I know I wouldn’t call that dominance either. All it takes to control someone with that threat is a disparity of desire between the partners. Considering the importance we give to experience, if a teenage girl can do the same thing, then either we are all full of shit or that isn’t dominance and it sure as hell has nothing to do with mastery as I see it. That is the same argument made about love in a D/s relationship. While I do not think love is a requirement, although as a monogamous dominant, it certainly is for me, I think that many who make that claim do so because they can only control someone when there is that disparity of desire. There is no challenge in such a conquest; it is the equivalent of the senior in high school who dates freshman. Looking at a woman who you love and desire every bit as much as she desires you AND earning her submission. THAT is Mastery.

LaTigresse -> RE: My way or the highway? (3/23/2009 8:01:03 AM)
Good Morning Michael. For me, it is a balance. I also see the opposite where, in my mind, the submissive is the one that is actually dominating. The person calling themself dominant is so in love they will not set concrete boundaries that the "my way or the highway" respresents.

Missokyst -> RE: My way or the highway? (3/23/2009 8:15:36 AM)
"My way or the highway" type, always reminded me of when my kids were in the formative years. Unacceptable then (they found out quickly), and unacceptable to me now that I am older. It always seems like a tantum to me. Meh.. If by adulthood you have not learned the art of negotiation, compromise, tact, and reasoning, then it is time to go back to the drawing board. Of course.. many people enjoy the appearance of dominance when the only option is either/or. Phhht. Kyst

agirl -> RE: My way or the highway? (3/23/2009 8:22:53 AM)
Well, it's a type of manipulation really. It's always far easier to be manipulated when you are the lover and not the beloved. I've never been in a relationship where both of those things were constant the entire time......sometimes I'm the lover, sometimes the beloved. As for Mastery .......for me, it's not about either. agirl

DesFIP -> RE: My way or the highway? (3/23/2009 8:28:03 AM)
I don't think you can control people with that threat, you can just drive them away. You sure won't get anyone who would love and respect you if you are constantly threatening to throw them out. Eventually they will take you up on it and walk. But I don't consider someone who rules through fear to be dominant. IMO a good dominant inspires a submissive to submit to him. At least that's how it works here when we're both doing well. The off times, we carry each other.

SimplyMichael -> RE: My way or the highway? (3/23/2009 8:35:20 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DesFIP IMO a good dominant inspires a submissive to submit to him. At least that's how it works here when we're both doing well. The off times, we carry each other. Exactly.

Mercnbeth -> RE: My way or the highway? (3/23/2009 9:04:19 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael quote: ORIGINAL: DesFIP IMO a good dominant inspires a submissive to submit to him. At least that's how it works here when we're both doing well. The off times, we carry each other. Exactly. thankfully, not everyone feels the same, or there would be at least one very lonely submissive out here.[:(] Master might not be your idea of a "good" dominant, but He is to this slave. this slave's submission isn't predicated on inspiration...it just IS the way she IS. He didn't and doesn't have to "earn" her submission...it flowed naturally, like it always does...every day. it is indeed, HIS way...or the highway...it's what this slave signed up for. this slave has zero interest in calling the shots...in or out of the bedroom/dungeon.

junecleaver -> RE: My way or the highway? (3/23/2009 9:21:48 AM)
Considering how big the world is and how much of it I don't know... I'm sure that somewhere out there this kind of thing works for the relationship. I certainly treated the majority of my boyfriends in high school that way and some were my um 'dominant.' They seemed happy to me? I'm working in a high school and teenage girls can be pretty 'powerful.' ha ha Some people need the disparity in their relationship, some people are turned on by it. Call me demented, but it was be kind of a turn off if he need me or depended on me as much as I need and depend on him. It might not be fair or right, but it's how I feel. And maybe it's because I'm not very good at staying on middle ground...but I've never had someone 'earn' my submission or began submitting as a completely conscious choice. It's just how we relate. It's something organic and not something that can be earned...maybe deserved? But not earned. Maybe if I had trust issues or relationship problems it would be different? Really the only reason we say 'I'm your property' is to get all hot and bothered over it not to agree on it, because it already is.

DesFIP -> RE: My way or the highway? (3/23/2009 9:22:47 AM)
My point beth is that he is dominant. Would you submit to him if he were submissive himself? Would either of you be happy like that? Him being who he is attracts your submission. If he weren't dominant, you would not be happy submitting to him.

Mercnbeth -> RE: My way or the highway? (3/23/2009 9:37:11 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DesFIP My point beth is that he is dominant. Would you submit to him if he were submissive himself? Would either of you be happy like that? Him being who he is attracts your submission. If he weren't dominant, you would not be happy submitting to him. indeed...He is dominant. it is attractive and a turn-on and a full compliment to this slave's submission, but it does not "inspire" this slave into being a submissive. she was submissive long before He came along. to dominants/submissives/switches/vanilla folks, yes indeedy ALL and sundry. this slave fully realizes how much of a turn-off that is to some people...it isn't special, etc. again, this slave is very fortunate and happy that not everyone feels that way. He was dominant long before this slave came along...as well to dominants/submissives/switches/vanilla folks. this slave didn't "inspire" his dominance any more than he "inspired" her submission. it is who we are *as well as* the foundation of the relationship structure we agreed upon in the beginning. for the folks that need that inspiration, that special-ness that no-one else ever gets, more power to them...but those that don't, in this slave's humble opinion, shouldn't be labelled "bad" or "not good" because of it, that's all.

antipode -> RE: My way or the highway? (3/23/2009 9:45:45 AM)
quote: A teenage girl can control a boyfriend by saying “my way or the highway” I think you are waist deep in oversimplification - apart from which, I am not sure why you emphasize the teen - a tween can pretty much do the same thing. Teenage males have been known to do this too. Actors use the technique - as do CEOs. I do too, and I am decidely not a teenage girl. I would sooner call this a particular category of people, than that there is a specific demographic to this. A proportion of people who show an unwillingness to negotiate will suffer from a communications deficit. Others use this as a technique to establish control (and those, I would think, are dominant). Yet others use the technique simply to make waves. And there are those who use the technique to "get out from under". And I think it is often hard to fathom why somebody exhibits this behavioural pattern, at most one can say, I believe, that the person wants some kind of control, but that can just as easily be control of their own life, as that of others. Make sense?

alianora -> RE: My way or the highway? (3/23/2009 10:01:09 AM)
I don't see this as a threat. I see it as a statement of fact from a man/woman who knows exactly what it is they want, and will not allow distractions to impede them. I see it as confidence in their own way of doing things. Now granted, much depends on the person who utters that phrase. Are we compatible? Can I accept such confidence in a man? All the time? In all ways? If the answers are no, then doing things 'his way' is of no consequence because his way, would not match my way.

daddysprop247 -> RE: My way or the highway? (3/23/2009 10:01:15 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth quote: ORIGINAL: DesFIP My point beth is that he is dominant. Would you submit to him if he were submissive himself? Would either of you be happy like that? Him being who he is attracts your submission. If he weren't dominant, you would not be happy submitting to him. for the folks that need that inspiration, that special-ness that no-one else ever gets, more power to them...but those that don't, in this slave's humble opinion, shouldn't be labelled "bad" or "not good" because of it, that's all. amen, beth!! it does get rather old, doesn't it?

SteelofUtah -> RE: My way or the highway? (3/23/2009 10:11:16 AM)
Perhaps it is not the popular answer but andi’s desire to do things that she does not like doing comes from her understanding that what is required of her, IS required of her and she always has a choice in what she wishes to do, either she can obey or she can leave. Now over time physical leaving becomes less and less of an option however the nature of leaving remains. Either she will do as she is required or we will be done with this whole concept of being in a D/s relationship together. It is the leaving of this nature of relationship that andi is not willing to do. This took time and work to accomplish. If someone feels that more is expected of them then they are getting in return it is human nature to leave, sure the nature of a submissive makes for exceptions to this rule but no more of an exception than a Battered Wife staying with her abuser we all know it happens but we also know women who leave when they are mistreated. Ultimately, I had to make what andi received from being with me greater than the desire to leave it due to her desire to not do something that was asked of her. I know there are lots of people who are making up in their heads all the Nasty little things in their head that I would ask of her, like cleaning a toilet with her tongue, or allowing the 49’s to run an Anal Train on her. No, I would not want that, nor would I request her to do that for my pleasure. No we are talking about the Organization of the home, the cleaning of the toys, and the level of order I expect for the house. Andi may not always wish to keep things as organized as I like them. At times she doesn’t see the point in making the bed for the 5 hours between when she gets out of it to go to the Grave Shift and I get in it to rest for the Day shift the following day. It is required none the less. However if I were this ass riding asshole who expected everything yet gave nothing andi is the kinda girl who would get tired of that really quick, so I make sure that her needs are met in such a way that it is worth more to her to do as I expect than not to. Although she may not enjoy cleaning the Bathroom every Wednesday, refusing to do it means she has made a decision not to maintain the nature of our relationship and thus the decision to dismantle it. I know that in the past when I have said this I got jumped by all sorts of people who like to see the worst so allow me to qualify now that, Yes she is able to discuss the reason she does not wish too, yes I take that into account, yes sometimes my requirement can change, but if it doesn’t then she has a choice to make, Obey what I require of her, or leave the nature of our relationship and accept that I am who I am and will not be something I am not. All that being said, andi WANTS to do as I require. The things she does not want to do are not worth leaving over and so she does them because they aren’t worth leaving over. Steel

domiguy -> RE: My way or the highway? (3/23/2009 10:27:04 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael “my way or the highway.” I know I wouldn’t call that dominance either. All it takes to control someone with that threat is a disparity of desire between the partners. I think that many who make that claim do so because they can only control someone when there is that disparity of desire. There is no challenge in such a conquest; THAT is Mastery. Mike, I agree 100%. I have always joked around with friends stating, "That the one with the least interest controls the relationship." It is a completely shallow and ungratifying relationship. It is one of the things that kind of bugs me about all of this shit that we do. (or "aotstwd.") How many women and guys out here are simply unable to conduct a "healthy" relationship. One not hinged upon threats, manipulation or lack of desire and substance. I just read this thread after I posted on the "right" thread. It is a thread currently going on about how a "twue" submissive has to be loaned out...Or understand that it is one of her primary duties. This is all bullshit. I for one would get no real pleasure from watching a woman I care about deeply get fucked by another guy. I'm just an ol' softy....Now if she is torn asunder by a herd of women that is a completely different scenario. Anywhooo, there is a point that I always have a hard time reconciling. The definition that seperates domination from the consentual kinks and life styles shared by two adults. Is there a difference? Can I caveman a nonsubmissive woman and get her to submit? Of course not. Different lids for different pots. The key is obviously finding the type of sub/Dom that corresponds with one's personal desires and views.

InTonguesslut -> RE: My way or the highway? (3/23/2009 10:27:24 AM)
quote: A teenage girl can control a boyfriend by saying “my way or the highway”. Would any of us call that dominance? I sure wouldn’t. Many of us could have a harem of women who we could effortlessly control with “my way or the highway.” I know I wouldn’t call that dominance either. For me personally this is part of his dominance, it really is his way or the highway. Sometimes his way may be my way and sometimes it may not but we still do things his way. quote: There is no challenge in such a conquest; There isn't? How about the challenge of building a relationship so strong and solid that the sub / slave will happily follow your way? How about the challenge for the sub / slave that she will / can do things the Doms way without questioning too much etc? I'm sure there are many more challenges but i'll keep it brief and leave it there. There are certain things in my relationship at present that i would be handling totally differently but for the fact that things are done Sirs way. I don't necessarily even think the way Sir's handling them is correct or a way that is going to work in the long run. I do however bend to his will and accept that things are to be done this way and that's that.

TheDungeonKeeper -> RE: My way or the highway? (3/23/2009 10:33:54 AM)
My way or the highway really doesnt reflect what your saying. You seem to have much more depth in your relationship than that would imply. I totally agree with your concept and position of accepting the responsability for whats your share of the workload. Theres absolutly no reason or excuse, thats acceptable, to let things deteriorate to the point where one party feels out of sync and carring more than they feel is their fair load. Berating beating up on mentally or physically usually wont change attitude. I find that Respect and mutual planning usually does far better. But when a good eye opening punishement is applied it usually gets the attention needed. I also believe that if the bond is real. Then letting them go is the best test of ownership. If they come back its ment to be if not it was wrong to begin with

SimplyMichael -> RE: My way or the highway? (3/23/2009 10:51:06 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth Master might not be your idea of a "good" dominant, but He is to this slave. it is indeed, HIS way...or the highway...it's what this slave signed up for. Beth, if more dominants were like Merc, this board would have a lot less drama and far more women would walk around with a smile on their face.

Vanityfull -> RE: My way or the highway? (3/23/2009 10:52:28 AM)
“my way or the highway” sounds domineering more so than dominance, sure i would make compermises but if i heard that golden line i would probly step away from the relationship. i feel its around the lines of the "no one else will love you but me" to really abuse and push someone around in a relationship. My way or the highway is a big red flag for me to say the least.

Mercnbeth -> RE: My way or the highway? (3/23/2009 11:01:37 AM)
Once again, I am informed that I am NOT a Dominant, or at least not a Dominant fitting another's definition. This time the source is someone I consider a very close friend. A 'label, or 'status' if you will, which I assign rarely, second only to assigning the 'label', or 'status', of my 'slave'. However unlike "it my way or the highway" conditional requirement for my slave; Michael and I being at odds on this issue serves to fuel the friendship with the ensuing debate. quote: ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael A teenage girl can control a boyfriend by saying “my way or the highway”. Would any of us call that dominance? Many of us could have a harem of women who we could effortlessly control with “my way or the highway.” I know I wouldn’t call that dominance either. You assume this is a cause and effect in assuming that the "harem of women" would be allowed to to serve. I wouldn't let them. I can speak from experience that many give lip service to submission to such "effortless" control; but in reality, especially long term reality, their service denigrates once their agenda isn't being served. There is a a lot of displaced Dominance in that requirement; no different than the 'conditional' spouse who says; "I'll marry him/her because I know I can change them after we're married." Getting married, or agreeing to a 'Master/slave' arrangement under those conditions has the same result. Even when the change is agreed to, somewhere down the road, you can expect resentment and one partner finally expresses it by saying; "Wow - did you change..." Usually they didn't change, they just reverted to their nature. Actually that's the 'best case' scenario; more often there's another 'challenge' or some other conditional requirement to keep it going. Once successful in dominating, you can develop a real taste for it; especially if you get into a situation where the challenger enjoys 'time off' special friends gatherings where they get to say; "yeah - I got him/her to do..." At the next luncheon they'll have to report the other 'tricks' they've taught through ongoing 'challenges', which eventually lead to resentment. quote: All it takes to control someone with that threat is a disparity of desire between the partners. Considering the importance we give to experience, if a teenage girl can do the same thing, then either we are all full of shit or that isn’t dominance and it sure as hell has nothing to do with mastery as I see it. Well, if I am not a 'Master' based upon not putting up with any 'slave' who has me serving their agenda instead of mine - so be it. However, without my agenda being served "my way" it IS the highway for the slave, because there really isn't any reason to keep him/her around. "As I see it"...I'm not a Master if my mastery is condition on serving my slave. If she/her happen to like, be fulfilled, or enjoy, "my way" GREAT for them, but "my way" is how its going to be anyway. quote: That is the same argument made about love in a D/s relationship. While I do not think love is a requirement, although as a monogamous dominant, it certainly is for me, I think that many who make that claim do so because they can only control someone when there is that disparity of desire. I'll speak from the perspective of being desperately in "love" with my slave. It would still be the "highway" if it weren't my way; but unlike when love isn't present I would regret the change of circumstance. "Love" isn't a condition or requirement, it is an independent emotion, especially in our case where we've been together for so long. I am sure I don't love beth only because she serves "my way". I LOVE "my way" and I LOVE beth. I don't anticipate any change to that status, but if she were to not serve "my way" she'd hear; "I love you, but I can't be with you." One of the things I love about her is that she has the confidence and ability to deal with that conditional requirement of serving under my definition of 'slave'. Note, it isn't a universal definition or even a dictionary definition, it's mine; my "highway". beth represents the rubber meeting the road on that highway. It is what people observe, but it is the entire trip that should be considered and not just the snapshot of one instant that neither defines the trip, the road, or the rubber. That rubber gets a 'blow' out - its not serving anyone and should expect to get discarded; and unlike inanimate unthinking rubber, it should know and appreciate that consequence and involve themselves into some of the 'steering' to avoid 'spike-strips' along the way. quote: There is no challenge in such a conquest; it is the equivalent of the senior in high school who dates freshman. Looking at a woman who you love and desire every bit as much as she desires you AND earning her submission. I have a LOT of challenges in my life. I LOVE them and seek them out. I've NEVER desired to be challenged into a relationship. In fact, I'll go out of my way to be less responsive to anyone who places a hurdle to jump over or hoop to jump through as a condition for being with me. To amuse myself and perhaps to serve my sadistic nature; I'm more likely to do the challenge successfully and tell them to 'FUCK OFF!' afterward. I'm going to be ME before, during, and should it end, after any relationship I enter from casual to intensely intimate. Frankly, its a matter of laziness. I don't want to have to be 'up for the challenge' of a relationship - I want to ENJOY the relationship. If being 'me' I don't "earn" respect, trust, honor; so be it. No matter how much I may desire someone - I won't compromise me. It's taken too long for me to know myself, accept myself, and more importantly like myself; to earn anything by changing who and what I am. It is 'MY way'. It is me. What I sought for a VERY long time is a complementary person who was just as strong, just as confident, and just as accepting of who they are that they too didn't have to be "up for the challenge" to submit; but were submissive. My counterpart is a Master of herself and her submission. It's a honor to have her serve me and my highway. Quoting my good friend Michael; "THAT is Mastery."

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