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RE: My way or the highway? - 3/23/2009 10:40:36 PM

SimplyMichael

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I wanted to add that part of what fueled this for me is that the whole bit with "my way or the highway" is that where is the skill in that? Where is the dominance? Where is the molding/shaping/guidance in that?

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RE: My way or the highway? - 3/23/2009 11:07:06 PM

OrionTheWolf

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Well I can appreciate if this is some artform for you, but for me it is just being me. As far as molding/shaping/guidance, that comes with the training and having my girl in my household 24/7. Personally, I am not draping anything over what I do on a day to day basis. Everyone in my household knows it is my way, period. Everyone in my household, and friends that come to my house feel safe and secure because of how this is.

If others want to do it a different way, then great, whatever works for them, but let us not get into how much better your way or my way, or the person in the corners way is.

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RE: My way or the highway? - 3/24/2009 5:11:43 AM

eyesopened

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

I wanted to add that part of what fueled this for me is that the whole bit with "my way or the highway" is that where is the skill in that? Where is the dominance? Where is the molding/shaping/guidance in that?

I have not thought that InkedMaster molds me or shapes me although I rely heavily on His guidance. I'm a fossil, I was pretty much molded and shaped when He met me, the cool thing is my molded shape fit perfectly into His.

But I do see your point. I know too many women who are in abusive relationships who are so afraid of the highway that they put up with things no one should have to. None of those women are in D/s or M/s relationships, they are just married to bullies. Being a bully takes little thought, effort or courage. In my opinion, it takes courage to simply be who one is, to embrace one's nature without apology to anyone.

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RE: My way or the highway? - 3/24/2009 7:07:12 AM

LaTigresse

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

I wanted to add that part of what fueled this for me is that the whole bit with "my way or the highway" is that where is the skill in that? Where is the dominance? Where is the molding/shaping/guidance in that?

I just wanted to address the part I bolded.

Two things that I see often twisted around and overly romanticised.

The skill aspect. Assuming we are discussing relationships and not whipping techniques, skill is, in my mind, not the best word to use. Or if so, take it out of context as being only a dominant skill. ALL people need good relationship skills, not just the dominant party in a relationship. We figuratively beat people over the head with this concept, on the forums, all the time. Phrases like "The common denominator is you!!" etc..

As for "where is the dominance" well, it doesn't take a skilled rocket scientist to have a dominant personality. Hell, I've got a 12# canine that is more dominant than most people I know. No skill in that, she just is, it is her personality.

Now, being a sucessful leader in a relationship, especially a power exchange relationship, is going to take a combination of things. Good relationship skills, mastery of self, maturity, and a dominant personality.....to make it work.

While the phrase "my way or the highway" may be used negatively by many, may have a negative feel about it to many, it really is a concept that is the foundation of a power exchange relationship. It simply takes a lot of mature communication to discover what those "ways" are and whether or not they are compatible.

What I see as being a bad thing, is constantly making "my way" too fluid. Too dependant upon keeping the other person, keep them happy, just so they don't "hit the highway".

We are all drawn to a power exchange relationship, whatever it is to us, for a reason. The question for many seems to be, do you want that to be simply an illusion to make you feel dominant or submissive, or do you want the reality and all that entails? (not you in particular Michael). Example: I want to dominate you as long as you are feeling warm fuzzies and will still love me and stay with me. Or....I want to submit to you as long as I am feeling warm fuzzies and all loved and stuff, reserving the right to change my mind on whim, about what that is.

I don't think any one way is better. Whatever floats any one person's boat. I just want to see clear communication as to what that person's way is. If they think they want to serve me, but on their terms, after I've explained clearly it will be "my way" then they will hit the highway. My way, isn't conditional to all their warm fuzzies and moods. If I did that, I would be compromising my own integrity and nature. I've done enough of that in my life. I think there is a certain level of manipulation to all of that.

All of that being said, I also believe there needs to be some flexibility in any given relationship. Regardless of type. I just don't think that flexibility should compromise the foundation that relationship was built on.

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RE: My way or the highway? - 3/24/2009 7:41:56 AM

alianora

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

I wanted to add that part of what fueled this for me is that the whole bit with "my way or the highway" is that where is the skill in that? Where is the dominance? Where is the molding/shaping/guidance in that?

Just my thoughts and how they would pertain to me:

I don't need to be molded, shaped, or guided. I am quite capable of handling myself in that respect. .
Instead, I would prefer a dominant who was heading in the same direction as I was; that way, I can naturally fall into step behind him and walk on my own. No molding and shaping...I like my body and personality just fine thankyou very much....no guidance...I have no need to be put on a leash and led. ( and I mean absolutly no offense by that last statement )

If you see dominance as taking the chance to mold, shape and guide; then your dominance is of no good to me.

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RE: My way or the highway? - 3/24/2009 8:31:16 AM

realtuffdom

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I define dominance as "he who pays for the slurpee at 7-11". Of course, when I'm out of cash, I then define it as "he who borrows money from the submissive to pay for the slurpee at 7-11".

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RE: My way or the highway? - 3/24/2009 8:32:44 AM

Lynnxz

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quote:

ORIGINAL: realtuffdom

I define dominance as "he who pays for the slurpee at 7-11". Of course, when I'm out of cash, I then define it as "he who borrows money from the submissive to pay for the slurpee at 7-11".

Haha, I like this definition.

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RE: My way or the highway? - 3/24/2009 8:46:35 AM

Andalusite

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I don't think molding/shaping/guidance is necessarily contradicted by a "my way or the highway" approach. There are a lot of tools, including reward, positive punishment (doing something they don't like), negative punishment (taking away something they do like), and so forth. I also don't have a problem with the dominant saying "this is the shape of the D/s relationship I want, these are my expectations. I will not get involved with someone in a "one strike and you're out" situation. Perhaps I'd miss out on someone wonderful because of that, but I suspect we wouldn't be compatible in the first place, because our relationship views would be different.

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RE: My way or the highway? - 3/24/2009 8:54:45 AM

IronBear

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One of the possible errors I feel one can make is to assume that others see relationships in the same way as each of us does. Remembering that each relationship, whilst has many similarities, is unique and as such needs to be looked at individually and often requires methods of maintaining it specific to that individual dynamic. It seems that some posters here are taking the view that you can only use the “My Way or The Highway” attitude if that person has no deep feeling for their partner. Of course this may be true for some relationships, however, I would suggest that if you have already set in place a set of rules and protocols by which you are living your life, the person you added to the mix should be made fully aware of the rules and protocols and if he or she still wishes to enter into a relationship they do so with the understanding that this is what will be governing their life whilst they stay party to the relationship. No huge brain teaser there and I do feel it is reasonable for me for example to say as I did with Neets when we first got together, that this is how I live, this is what I do and if you want to be with me then this is the way it will be. Providing it id fouls acceptable by the other person there is no need for any discussion. I certainly do have issues with those who enter such a relationship having a hidden agenda to change or manipulate things once they are settled in. That to me is both dishonest and a deal breaker.

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RE: My way or the highway? - 3/24/2009 9:17:02 AM

LaTigresse

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Andalusite

I don't think molding/shaping/guidance is necessarily contradicted by a "my way or the highway" approach. There are a lot of tools, including reward, positive punishment (doing something they don't like), negative punishment (taking away something they do like), and so forth. I also don't have a problem with the dominant saying "this is the shape of the D/s relationship I want, these are my expectations. I will not get involved with someone in a "one strike and you're out" situation. Perhaps I'd miss out on someone wonderful because of that, but I suspect we wouldn't be compatible in the first place, because our relationship views would be different.

And with this, you are stating your own, "my way or the highway". Which is a positive thing.

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RE: My way or the highway? - 3/24/2009 10:40:44 AM

heartfeltsub

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Because i think i understand what the OP was trying to say in his post and i concur with some of the following posters who say they are in a relationship where it is the Dom's way or the highway, i wanted to comment that there is a world of difference between using that phrase as a threat as opposed to using it as the foundation of the relationship. i am in a D/s relationship where it is His way or why would W/we be in relation, i want a relationship where i have ceded authority to make final decisions to another, and He wants a relationship where He makes the final decisions.

However He would never think to use those words as a threat to "make" me behave, it is not the form of "dominance" that He uses, nor is it part of His personality to have to rely on a threat to "make" someone behave. Someone either wants to be with Him and serve Him or they do not, the choice is theirs. He is not going to change who He is or what He wants in a relationship to "have" that someone in His life. So although O/our relationship's foundation is His way or the highway, it is not a threat, it is a comfort to both of U/us.

That being said, i do agree with the OP that if someone is using that phrase as a threat or a club to "keep" someone else submitting to him or her, it shows no dominance, it is in my opinion, more the act of a coward.

heartfelt

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RE: My way or the highway? - 3/24/2009 11:16:23 AM

LaTigresse

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Heartfelt I agree 100%. As a threat, lame at best.

I was just being me, in providing an alternate concept, a different way of looking at the same words.

I am a pain in the ass like that.

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RE: My way or the highway? - 3/24/2009 11:18:44 AM

Honsoku

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I think there is a big difference in interpretation of "my way or the highway". In the OP, the context is such that it implies that the control is based purely on threats. Is that a D/s relationship? Yes, but probably not a stable nor healthy one. In that example, she is trying to control through the threat of losing her extrinsic value as a female, and not through anything that is intrinsic to her. In a twisted way, she has totally objectified herself.

However, every dominant in a D/s relationship must have a breaking point in order for the power differential to be stable. There must be a point of where it is the dominant's way or go away. Otherwise, the dominant is such at the whim of the submissive. If that point does not exist, the "submissive" can eek greater and greater concessions out of the "dominant", effectively reversing the situation. You can't build a stable power base off of soft power alone, as that which you won't walk away from, controls you.

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RE: My way or the highway? - 3/24/2009 11:32:49 AM

wisdomofgiving

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I am sure about how the concept of 'my way or the highway' would apply to my life. The molding aspect puzzles me though. To have someone who feels the need to mold me into something tends to baffle me. I am rather old, but not too old to learn new things, but my basic personality is solid. With that said, in my world if living with someone or not, it is my opinion that their home is their castle. It makes sense to me to support that structure and do things as they wish. It is my hope that they will honor certain things about me as well. An example of this, though small, is that the smell of fry eggs will causes me to gag, and sometimes get sick. It would be my pleasure to make them any other type of egg, but if they insist on me frying an egg, they need to be responsible for not getting a very nice looking egg. In my many years of life, the men I been with understood that and welcome other types of eggs.

If they expect me to present myself in a certain way when they get home, or anything else they wish, there would not be any question in my mind to do so. If need to teach me or tell me how they prefer something, then I can understand that. To mold me though is imo saying i am a piece of unused clay. If someone wishes to help me in an area that they feel will help my existence, and benifit themself that is a good thing.

My way or the highway makes sense to me in many ways. To me it says about the person, I will not compromise my basic core for anyone, including you. I find that honorable. It is not my drive to make someone change to suit me. It best be their way and not a false sense of what I want to hear. I have the obligation to myself though to know if their way is what I really want. If it is, then so be it and I will do my best to honor their way. As a woman and a submissive, I will not settle for less. If someone's way is not truly mine, I have no business being with them.

Blessings
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RE: My way or the highway? - 3/24/2009 12:14:03 PM

CreativeDominant

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

Heartfelt I agree 100%. As a threat, lame at best.

I was just being me, in providing an alternate concept, a different way of looking at the same words.

I am a pain in the ass like that.

But such a cute pain in the ass...

I've stated in my post that I don't use it as a threat...it is the way it is AFTER all is explained about who and what I am and what I will/will not tolerate. I am always supportive and always there to guide but telling me you can't do it because it "just doesn't feel right at this time in my life", especially when unable to come up with a clearer explanation of what that means exactly, isn't going to go. I've stated on other threads that I don't do testing, I don't push un"pushable" limits, I don't just surprise a submissive by expecting immediate compliance on a soft-limit with no preparation, etc.. But if you wish to be dominated in one certain way and you want that to be done by me, then best make sure your submission fits my dominance and that you understand that I am not into all the...as LaT put it so nicely..."warm, fuzzy" submissive things. I believe that submission means to "yield" and that yielding takes place whether what you are asked to yield to makes you feel all warm and fuzzy or cold and scared. Does one require more patience and guidance than the other? Usually...and I get that. But given that I won't push the hard limits...and I know which hard limits I will recognize...then that means that whatever I ask is somewhere within your purview. I like consistency and structure and recognize that there is a bit of fluidity in any structure...after all, skyscrapers are made to handle high winds or, in California's case, a certain level of seismic activity. But the BASIC FOUNDATION remains.

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RE: My way or the highway? - 3/24/2009 4:57:27 PM

DesFIP

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

The skill aspect. Assuming we are discussing relationships and not whipping techniques, skill is, in my mind, not the best word to use. Or if so, take it out of context as being only a dominant skill. ALL people need good relationship skills, not just the dominant party in a relationship.

What I see as being a bad thing, is constantly making "my way" too fluid. Too dependant upon keeping the other person, keep them happy, just so they don't "hit the highway".

He wants me to feel warm and fuzzy towards him. The skill here comes in not being hidebound, not assuming I will react just like his ex, but in a willingness to try different things and see what works the best to get the results he wants from me.

However if he's constantly changing his ways, it would defeat the purpose. I wouldn't feel safe and secure and warm and fuzzy. I'm submissive, that means I want him to lead me in a way that still allows me to express who I am. But he only had to spend six months or so LDR to learn enough to do so. I can't imagine me being so erratic that what worked yesterday is the worst possible thing to do today. I also can't imagine him staying with someone that chaotic. He'd pull out what little hair he has left!

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RE: My way or the highway? - 3/24/2009 7:22:35 PM

NuevaVida

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quote:

ORIGINAL: heartfeltsub

Because i think i understand what the OP was trying to say in his post and i concur with some of the following posters who say they are in a relationship where it is the Dom's way or the highway, i wanted to comment that there is a world of difference between using that phrase as a threat as opposed to using it as the foundation of the relationship. i am in a D/s relationship where it is His way or why would W/we be in relation, i want a relationship where i have ceded authority to make final decisions to another, and He wants a relationship where He makes the final decisions.

However He would never think to use those words as a threat to "make" me behave, it is not the form of "dominance" that He uses, nor is it part of His personality to have to rely on a threat to "make" someone behave. Someone either wants to be with Him and serve Him or they do not, the choice is theirs. He is not going to change who He is or what He wants in a relationship to "have" that someone in His life. So although O/our relationship's foundation is His way or the highway, it is not a threat, it is a comfort to both of U/us.

That being said, i do agree with the OP that if someone is using that phrase as a threat or a club to "keep" someone else submitting to him or her, it shows no dominance, it is in my opinion, more the act of a coward.

heartfelt

I totally agree with this. There is mastery and there is bullying. I can very easily submit in a situation where the overall concept and knowledge is that things are run his way. If, however, I am threatened into my submission - "Do this horrendously difficult thing or hit the road," I wouldn't last very long, at least not happily.

Intentions, folks, intentions.

As for molding and guiding, I am coming to some new thoughts about that. I am in a unique situation where I have been molded and guided - some of it was for the best, some of it was not. However, I am currently seeing someone who is allowing me to explore myself...to find my own mold, so to speak. "You just be you" is what has been told to me. "Do not suppress your personality in any way, and I will deal with me if I don't like it." So far (fortunately), there hasn't been much, if anything, that he hasn't liked, and this is working well for us. I imagine if it wasn't, I'd be hitting that highway.

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RE: My way or the highway? - 3/24/2009 7:42:47 PM

Andalusite

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Cat, I don't see it as "my way or the highway." Part of it is message vs. delivery - it comes across as bratty/rude/demanding in a childish way, just like "you are not the boss of me!" or "you don't own me yet, so I can do whatever I want!" vs. "I'm sorry, but I don't feel comfortable doing x outside of a committed relationship." There are quite a few dealbreakers, especially at the beginning of a relationship with someone, when we haven't yet developed feelings for each other. For that matter, I wouldn't object to someone saying, "I need this relationship dynamic," or "doing x, y, or z are dealbreakers," or "not doing x, y, or z specific things are dealbreakers." To me, that comes across very differently from a nebulous "if you ever disobey me for any reason whatsoever, you are outta here."

CreativeDominant, most of my limits are of degree rather than kind, or are situational, other than obvious illegal ones, and disfigurement/removal of body parts/etc. I figure that someone can make me dislike almost anything, and like almost anything, depending on how they do it, and how creative they are, and how they feel about doing it to me.

However, if I'm not able to handle something at a particular point in time, pushing it is likely to have negative ramifications for the relationship, even if I comply with it. So, I have to be very careful about who I get involved with, and some degree of flexibility is essential to me.

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RE: My way or the highway? - 3/25/2009 5:14:50 PM

cpK69

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

A teenage girl can control a boyfriend by saying “my way or the highway”. Would any of us call that dominance?

Yes, I would. The reason being, dominance is about who is choosing the direction. Each person involved in the relationship still retains control of themselves. If the boyfriend chooses to follow, he’s submitting, if he chooses to walk away, he is asserting his own dominance; it’s still on him.

quote:

All it takes to control someone with that threat is a disparity of desire between the partners.

I am curious to know, at what point does the statement in question become more than a simple statement of fact? It seems to me, that its right about the time the receiver takes it personal.
Also, I was wondering about the whole “disparity of desire” thing. What is that? What does it look like? The feeling I get when reading it reminds me of when I was going through the separation with my ex-husband (an equal partner relationship, often referred to as vanilla).

quote:

There is no challenge in such a conquest; it is the equivalent of the senior in high school who dates freshman.

Why should there be a challenge in the conquest; isn’t being in the relationship challenging enough?

quote:

I wanted to add that part of what fueled this for me is that the whole bit with "my way or the highway" is that where is the skill in that?

The skill is in knowing himself, and learning to know me, on his terms.

quote:

Where is the dominance?

The dominance is in his continuing to choose the direction, without letting his feeling for me influence his choices.

quote:

Where is the molding/shaping/guidance in that?

Direction is guidance. As for molding and shaping, the experiences I get from going in the direction he chooses, is what does that. If his direction does not help “mold and shape” (I prefer refine) me, in a manner which I feel is beneficial to me; then I have no business being with him in the first place.
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RE: My way or the highway? - 3/25/2009 5:45:29 PM

ThomasMore

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Why choose? With me, it's "My way and the highway" - "Highway to Heaven"!

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