Can I send you an email? (Full Version)

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Daddysredhead -> Can I send you an email? (3/23/2009 5:56:54 PM)

I was wondering how many people, regardless of which side of the whip, feel they can communicate with his or her partner more clearly with the written word.  I love taking the time to write a clear, thoughtful message to someone if I have the opportunity to do so and it's important enough to me to make certain that my point is communicated well. 

I have been with my Master for nearly 6 years, and it is truly the most open and honest relationship I've ever had.  We started out as friends and progressed to a vanilla relationship, and then to M/s.  He is a wonderful listener and has always been very patient when I have had questions or wanted to discuss anything.  However, there are still some topics that make me a little uncomfortable in some way.  Sometimes these are silly things that I feel almost bashful about admitting to Him face to face, or new ideas that I have but feel a little tentative about telling Him because I can't bring the words forth into my mouth.

He smiles when this happens because He knows that it's obviously something that I want to share with Him, but maybe I'm afraid He'll think I'm "weird" or that I'm the first person on the planet to suggest such a thing, even though neither could be further from the truth.  Thankfully, He's not sadistic enough to insist that I sit there and speak these "knot-in-the-stomach-inducing" things, and from the beginning, He will simply say, "Why don't you write Me an email?" then He leaves it at that, and the follow-up is left to me. 

This has been the most non-threatening, honest-about-anything method for me to open up about some of my hopes, fears, and desires that I find a bit "dark" or a little off-center.  He, of course, finds nothing that I want to discuss "odd" or embarassing or strange.  Once I have put it out there, then I am totally fine with discussing whatever the topic may be. It's just the initial "ice-breaking" moment that can sometimes give me pause.  But the fact that He has given me a "safe, comfortable" mechanism for stressful dialogue means the world to me.

Is this method one that you have employed, or are there other non-face-to-face ways of starting a difficult conversation that you have used?

Sincerely,
Red



FelineFae -> RE: Can I send you an email? (3/23/2009 6:09:37 PM)

Oh yes. i don't know why writing something is easier than saying it, but it just is. Master will have me "write out your feelings" when i'm moody. He understands people communicate differently, i love his accepting nature.[:D]



slaveluci -> RE: Can I send you an email? (3/23/2009 6:12:05 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Daddysredhead
Is this method one that you have employed, or are there other non-face-to-face ways of starting a difficult conversation that you have used?

Great question, Daddysredhead.  It definitely IS a method I have employed a few times over the years we've been together.  At first, we were long distance and He had me journalling on LiveJournal.  I would mention some things there that I felt uncomfortable even saying over the phone. 

Once we moved in together, I have been known to tell Him things while insisting He look the other way[8D].  The deepest, darkest, "oddest" fantasy I've ever had, I told Him on the couch but I couldn't say it all until He wasn't looking at me while I said it.  Silly, I know, but it worked.  Once I had said it and seen His initial reaction (and it wasn't disgust and shock), then we looked at each other and I expounded.

In the beginning when we did Yahoo Messenger alot, once I typed something that was hard for me to open up about.  When He didn't immediately respond, I could feel my face flushing and getting hot and I thought "OMG, He thinks I'm sick!"  He was just a slower reader than me and it opened up a whole new world when I found out that He was into what I wrote also.

Sometimes we think we are so weird and strange and it's hard to really open up.  Then we find someone that is so sympatico with us that we don't need to feel that way and, once past that initial embarrassment, it's amazing.  But, I couldn't have gotten past that initial reluctance if I couldn't have revealed some things while not being face-to-face.

luci



AquaticSub -> RE: Can I send you an email? (3/23/2009 6:12:28 PM)

~Fast Reply~

E-mail and other written things don't seem to help me. But what I like to do is talk to other people first sometimes. I find that I frequently stress about things that are, in the end, nothing and don't even bother me once I've spoken about it out loud to someone else or that I can figure out exactly what I want to say and how I want to say it. Sometimes I think one thing is bothering when I realize it's actually something else.



kallisto -> RE: Can I send you an email? (3/23/2009 6:15:06 PM)

I know sometimes for me the written word is much easier.  It gives me chance to put thoughts and feelings into the words I want use.  Emails have in some instances replaced the "handwritten" letters.   Which in some respect is a sad thing to me.   My grandparents were certainly in a D/s relationship (possibly and probably without the bdsm), but a D/s relationship nevertheless.   I have letters that they wrote to each other which only solidified their D/s relationship.    With the "electronic letters" (emails), I think "our" relationships' histories may not be as easy to carry forward.  

But ... getting back on topic [:)]  I do agree that the written word, no matter how it is written is a very powerful expression of what otherwise may be hard to communicate.   It also gives the reader a chance to think about the response.   Depending on the subject, it can be quite beneficial twofold.   I think it's a great addition to a relationship. 



lovingpet -> RE: Can I send you an email? (3/23/2009 6:16:34 PM)

I have used email when I just could seem to bring up more difficult things or when I felt like I couldn't communicate my whole thought clearly because of the flow of conversation.  I know that I have a real (as in organic, biological) difficulty in putting thoughts together the way I want them when speaking.  I more than make up for this in the written word and can express myself quite well through such a medium.

Part of it is the fact that I can disclose what is on my mind without the (perceived) judgemental glare of the person to whom I write.  The other part is that I can elaborate and clarify before anything is misconstrued and suddenly the whole topic is derailed.  I have had it go that someone felt I had just said the most wonderful thing and went on to have a whole big plan that seemed to have just been waiting for the "right" words from me to unlock only to have it be that such a thing couldn't have been further from the truth or the pace suddenly quickened to a frightening speed.  I have also had a well intentioned statement turn very ugly as it was taken as criticism, condemnation, mistrust and more.  Writing through my entire thought process allows me to bring some level of clarity to what I say as well as show how I am arriving at my conclusions.  If there is an error in my logic, it can be addressed.  If something is still murky, the questions are far more easily asked.

This is not something I merely employ within this dynamic.  I have used it with friends, family, employers/employees, and people I work with in the community.  The written word works well for more complex ideas.  It has its drawbacks as sometimes it is not clear how it is to be taken because the body language and inflection are not there.  I think this is where the written word is merely a starting point in intimate settings.  Then it is time to sit down face to face and really dig in deeper.  Some things simply transcend words.

I will also add that I like to write very personal things in my own hand and mail it.  I think a lot is held in the personal penstrokes of the writer and allows those words to be available any time day or night as long the person wishes to keep them.  I reserve this for something very special.  If ever I requested a collar, I believe this would be a very important part of doing so.  I am old fashioned this way.  It fits who I am.

I am just pleased to hear that you and yours are able to communicate even through the tough stuff.  I think it comes down to willingness and trust.  Mode is less important.  All my best!

lovingpet



catize -> RE: Can I send you an email? (3/23/2009 6:17:51 PM)

In a past relationship I realized I was using my journal to avoid confrontation.  It was a crutch that was not healthy in the long run.  He too was responsible for some of the problems with it because he seldom brought it up for discussion.  I was pouring out my feelings but our difficulties were not being dealt with.    
At present, if I am overly emotional about an issue it is helpful to write it out.  I can edit it to make my feelings known without cluttering it up with accusations and exaggerated generalizations (you always; you never…..) I don’t usually show him what I wrote, but typing it out helps me use the right words when I discuss it face to face. 



KatyLied -> RE: Can I send you an email? (3/23/2009 6:18:18 PM)

I love writing.  For some reason having the barrier of writing helps me lay it out there easier than I ever could face-to-face.  I often find face-to-face communication uncomfortable, but I can write line upon line, filling up paragraphs full of gut-wrenching stuff.  I do not know why I am like this, I guess it's a comfort-level thing.  I privately journal, to myself (and for myself), because I have such an overwhelming need to get words out of my brain and processed, even if it simply means committing them to an on-line journal.  I think the barriers of space and time helps me delve deeper into things I otherwise probably wouldn't.  The one thing I've always enjoyed about the getting-to-know-you phase of relationships is writing emails back and forth and in an established relationship it's one of my favorite forms of communication.



ExSteelAgain -> RE: Can I send you an email? (3/23/2009 6:18:59 PM)

Sure, when you write for yourself you give the reader insights to your thoughts. Getting something down is easy, but the idea itself represents great energy working on us and recognizing that relationship is the hard part.

To the OP, it looks like you are able to recognize what’s real because you find relief and meaning in your writing. If our writing is honest, it can almost bring us to tears. Words are the most powerful force there is.



DesFIP -> RE: Can I send you an email? (3/23/2009 6:20:40 PM)

I do so less and less because we also have been together six years. But I am not good at challenging him so that is easier done over email. Actually we've been having a disagreement through email the last few days since he's out of town.

The topic is why the sink water is hot but the shower doesn't get hot enough. I'm voting for the hot water heater having a problem, he thinks it's because this shower doesn't have any flow restrictor and is using the whole tank of water in no time. Since the plumber is coming tomorrow to do something else, he gets to solve the mystery.

But even on something emotionless like a plumbing problem, I have difficulty disagreeing. It gets a lot harder if it is something that's upsetting me.



LadyHibiscus -> RE: Can I send you an email? (3/23/2009 6:32:42 PM)

I have used emails for very emotional issues where I feel that I can't keep it together long enough to express myself.  Sometimes I just want important things written down, for future reference.



greeneyedreamer -> RE: Can I send you an email? (3/23/2009 6:33:13 PM)

I do the same thing. I write. Sometimes it's just so much easier! Daddy loves when I write too. I keep a journal that he can read online. It makes communicating so much easier at times. Enjoy it. It has been a wonderful tool for me also.




BKSir -> RE: Can I send you an email? (3/23/2009 6:35:15 PM)

God, someone else who understands this.  Now, I'm a very open (not shy or embarrassed to talk about anything at all), and I like to think very eloquent person, but, I certainly feel better talking over IM or email.  Part of it, I think, is that it allows me to see what I'm 'saying' before it's 'said'.  Also that it allows for, often, better organization of what one wants to say, with lack of possible interruptions, mishaps from spontanaity and less forgotten points.  As I like to say, I do sometimes suffer from premature articulation, where the words have already shot out before I even know I've said something.

Sometimes I also think it might be a bit of a security issue, being able to 'hide' behind a monitor, even if the other person is just across the room or upstairs or wherever.  Somewhat of a shield, as it were, so as not to have to try and directly 'confront' (for lack of a better word) the other person.  This is most likely purely subconscious of course, and just a theory.

Granted, I refuse to handle things over the phone, which may be kind of odd, all things considered in this case.  Then again, I just chalk that up to the fact that I despise talking on the phone.  I literally use less than 90 minutes of talk time per month on average.  Our roll-over minutes are insane and I wish I could turn around and sell them back to our carrier.

Anyway, uh, yeah...  I definitely understand where you're coming from on this and don't think there's anything wrong with it.



pinkwind -> RE: Can I send you an email? (3/23/2009 6:44:44 PM)

We both subscribe to the notion that any and all forms of communication between people is valid and useful, the written word just as good and sometimes better than the spoken, in certain circumstances.

Even though we live with each other and have an open dynamic where talking to each other is concerned there are still times when i resort to the written word to gather my thoughts before either sending them to Andy, or using them as reference notes when we talk.

i have one blog that is a more general, all purpose medium rather than the other, now almost defunct kink based one, and i contribute quite often on kink message boards and fora, and all the media i use gives him insight into my mood and thoughts on subjects we may not yet have approached ourselves.

When i was just starting out i had a mentor who encouraged me to write scenarios, short stories, faltering efforts all, but i enjoyed the discipline of marshalling my thoughts and focusing on given aspects.

There are very few people, even while in long term relationships, who don't write notes and cards to each other at odd times, for most of us the written or typed word still has it's place despite the onward march of instant clipped messages and text speak!




littlewonder -> RE: Can I send you an email? (3/23/2009 6:55:13 PM)

At times the written word can help to get a point across but I also feel it can hinder communication if one does not back it up with verbal communication as well.

The written word can become skewed. People can think they are talking about the same thing or misinterpret what is said or read between the lines.

I prefer to make sure that I use both forms for the same topic so that I can make sure I am clear and concise and understood in my meaning and context.



thatonebitch -> RE: Can I send you an email? (3/23/2009 6:59:49 PM)

I don't feel like I can communicate with him at all, verbal or written.  There's so much miscommunication in my relationship, I don't know why I bother wasting my breath.



kuriouswitch -> RE: Can I send you an email? (3/23/2009 7:17:24 PM)

oh my yes, i have a speech impediment anyway. not to mention the fact that i tend to speak at a million miles an hour at a high pitched volume when nervous or excited. My mom calls me mickey mouse when i get like that. I started writing in a journal last year around this time and when I met Master and we hit it off i showed it to him and since then if there's something i need to talk to him about, let him know or vent my emotions about but i'm not sure how to do it properly when we're talking or if i'm embarassed or nervous i write about it in there and then i'll tell him later that day, "Master, i wrote in my journal" and then he knows it's something he needs to read. or if it's too important to wait for him to read my journal i'll ask if we can go to yahoo and talk there.




Vanityfull -> RE: Can I send you an email? (3/23/2009 7:24:58 PM)

i have disgraphia(think dislexia basicly) so i typically feel my vocal skills are pretty vastly superior to what i write in getting a point across. i enjoy the stuggle of my writing skills and try often to put my thoughts down on paper(or forum) to keep my ability to express myself threw writing sharp, i write in jornals alot and find the written word to be a very powerful thing. i think the OP's email system is brillant and could work for many people, but it would work better for me personally if i spoke as it allows more expressive thought, exspecialy in the ocward "knot-in-the-stomach-inducing" things, 



antipode -> RE: Can I send you an email? (3/23/2009 7:59:49 PM)

quote:

Is this method one that you have employed, or are there other non-face-to-face ways of starting a difficult conversation that you have used?


Having spent a large part of my career in R&D laboratories, I've had the privilege of working with quite a few very brilliant people that were not able to communicate face-to-face as well as they could using email, or some other form of written communication. Within the industry, we actually train people in communications skills, because they cause problems. It is generally accepted that more than 90% of interpersonal communication is not verbal. What that means is that the human animal conveys a lot of information using biological tools, from sweat glands and facial muscles to body posture.

I know I am repeating myself in saying that. The important conclusion you can draw from the above is that people who deliberately avoid the face-to-face communication are, for their own reasons, deliberately withholding information from those they communicate with. And the reason for that, with very rare exceptions, is that they try to manipulate the other - they have a point they want to bring across, or reasoning, and they do not want to do this in such a way that they divulge their feelings, emotions, and other signals.

We all do this to some extent. But the simple fact of doing this is that you actively prevent dialogue. You've shut the other person up, they have to "listen" without being able to respond and interact.

There is no "safe, comfortable" mechanism for stressful dialogue. Stressful dialogue is stressful because it is stressful, and that has a communicative function. I can tell you a whole long tale about how I had to relearn to communicate when I moved from Europe to the United States, suffice it to say that I learned that reading between the lines isn't an art that is practiced much, in corporate America. From my own perspective, and from human factors research that I have participated in, if you have a problem communicating directly, you don't solve that by communicating indirectly.

If you, as you say, "make certain that my point is communicated well" by enabling yourself to communicate without the distracting influence of the person you are communicating with, you need to try and remind yourself that that person has the right to all 100% of your communication - not the 10% you are willing to part with, because it is easier for you to do it that way.

Harum..



Daddysredhead -> RE: Can I send you an email? (3/23/2009 9:07:14 PM)

~FR~

Thank you to everyone who has replied.  This is kind of what I was gathering from my friends from all walks (kinky and vanilla).  There are just certain times when we can communicate much better when we are allowed to sort out our thoughts and read them to make sure that what we are intending to say is what we are putting forward.  True that sometimes, things are taken incorrectly, but for my purposes, the things that I wish to discuss with Him that don't allow me to communicate properly, without a great deal of undue stress, are usually lifestyle related that I feel shy or embarassed about bringing up, or they are answers to questions that He has asked me that I have answers for but, as slaveluci said, make me want to hide my face because I worry that He'll think I'm weird or sick.

With things of a serious nature, I'm almost always able to talk straight from the hip.  I don't like confrontation with others, but I certainly do not shy away from it when I need to make certain that someone understands me or if I feel the need to call someone on their crap.  I don't hide behind snarkasm or anything like that, I speak very directly and candidly.  With my Master, I am also very direct when the situation calls for it, albeit in a very respectful way.  My parents always said that I was one of the most forthright people they knew when someone crossed a line with me, sometimes that was a good thing and sometimes not.

When He or I mention sending an email, it is in no way to obscure or hide anything.  It is a gateway to opening up a conversation that I find awkward in a "blushy" way.  He has always been able to be very direct about things that make my face turn bright red.  I have tried to be this way with Him, but find that it works best with my girl peers.  We can talk about stuff in graphic, minute detail, that when He overhears our discussions, gives Him pause because I won't be as "crass" or descriptive with Him as I am with them.  I tell Him that it's just the way some gals are with each other, we give every last detail.  However, if He asks me something, I might be inclined to say, "Ohmygosh, I just can't make myself say that to You."  He of course gives me the [8|], and reminds me that I was just able to give all the gory details of something to a friend, but I get all twitterpated saying the same type of thing to Him in a casual setting.

Who knows, maybe in another 6 years I'll be able to say, "Daddy, my darkest fantasy that will make Your toes curl and make the hair fall out of Your head is ...[this]..."  Until then, I think I'm just going to have to stick with email, or pillow talk-time, because then I feel like I can just open it all right up.  [:)]

edited for typo



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