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LostandUnhappy -> Unhappy Sub and Master in need of HELP (4/4/2009 7:13:58 PM)
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Hey everyone. [:)]
Please forgive the emo-sounding name, but I truly am lost and unhappy right now. [:(]
My girlfriend and sub of two years and I have been having some issues lately, issues that have been bottled up for a long time and are now finally boiling to the surface. I'm in need of help from experienced doms who can help me better understand the mentality of my sub and to help me refine my own mentality so that I can be a better Master.
When I first met her online, she introduced me to the world of BDSM and I realized that its something in my life I greatly needed, but had been missing. Slowly, we developed a simple but loving dom/sub relationship. Those were the happier days. As time went on, she naturally began to expect more of me as a Master, and it seems I failed to deliver on a regular basis. At first, this whole Master thing was so comfortable to me - I would barely have to lift a finger and everything would be in check. I could tell her to do anything and she would do it for me, every guy's dream right?
Even when she came to first visit me physically, things we're wonderful. She was so into me and interested in exploring the world of BDSM with me, and yet being the stupid guy I was, I just continued along for the ride and the whole Dom/sub thing just seemed like a "relationship-made-easy" to me.
Time went on and we began to fight more frequently. Hurtful things we would have never said to each other in the early days became a regular part of our arguments. Typically we would be mad at each other for an evening or so, and resolve it before we went to sleep. However, once again seeking the easy way out, most of these resolutions were promises of a better tomorrow that I never delivered. They were temporary solutions, not permanent ones. I would tell her I would try to be more mature and open-minded, try to employ Masterly techniques in daily life more often... and I just kept putting it off.
We soon meet the end of our 2 years, and my once bright and eager slave had become bitter to me. Understandably she was becoming impatient with me failing to deliver. My punishments were boring and unimaginative, my orders and tasks ultimately meaningless and only used to re-affirm my Master position when I feared it was slipping. The weeks on end of constant temporary solutions and my failure to fully indulge in dominance while it was still ripe turned our relationship upside down.
Finally, after some research and introspection, I realized what things I needed to work on to better myself - at least to some degree. But it was too late for my sweet sub... she had given up on me being a Master, and had become very very unhappy with the entire relationship in general. She began to question whether or not I ever actually wanted to be her dom, and that my shortcomings were evident in my lack of creativity and spontaneity when it came to my Masterly duties. As hard as I tried to convince her that I had finally seen the light and was ready to fully take on the responsibility of being her Master, she didn't believe me and her unhappiness only grew.
Due to my own depression and weaknesses, my confidence and desires shrank with hers. It became harder and harder to try and express myself as a Master as she became less and less interested in the notion. Soon, it got ugly. We both began to adopt self-destructive habits in order to cope with our situation, which only made things worse for both of us. Now, its gotten so bad that she has lost all hope in me - and I cannot for the life of me think of ways to actively show how I'm improving when she doesn't even give me a second glance.
I just feel so caged and desperate. How can I possibly express myself as a Master to someone who isn't interested in being my slave? The fact that most of this takes place online doesn't help either - the lack of physical contact really makes it hard for me to intimidate or regulate disciplinary action. My orders fall on deaf ears, and my words - whether they express love, anger, or sadness - seem empty to her.
I need your help. I need to be guided in the right direction. What actions should I take? How can I win her back when she has no hope or interest?
I implore you, take this amateur dom and shape him into someone better. I have the dominating spark of a Master inside me, but she cant see it, and I don't know what I can do to show her. Every time I attempt, she is either unphased or questions my motives - claiming my feelings aren't genuine and I'm only doing them for her and not for myself. Well, I want to do this for myself AND her. I cannot be happy if she is unhappy, so I suppose this endeavor is both selfish and unselfish in nature.
I know its a lot to read, but its imperative that you fully understand my situation before you offer your advice. Feel free to ask me to elaborate on certain points, I will do my best to put my situation in perspective for you so you can lend me better aid.
Also, to those of you who are just going to tell me to give up or to look for a new sub - don't bother posting. Thats not the answer I'm looking for and I know with enough work on my part I can show enough improvement to win her back.
She and I have been through a lot together, both moments of pain and happiness - and underneath all of this messiness our bond is still there and I know we'll always be together. But being together isn't enough, I want us to be together AND be happy (go figure huh?). [&:]
I will be eternally grateful to all of you that help me with this. My biggest regret is that I didn't ask for the help I needed ages ago... but things are at the absolute worst and I am reaching out to all of you who can offer me solutions.
Thank you so much, and I hope this conversation to be long, in-depth, and very enlightening! [:D]
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