RE: Male doms--how do you help a problem dom?

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julietsierra -> RE: Male doms--how do you help a problem dom? (4/9/2009 5:55:09 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah Ahh Hell you're both Black. Steel black? Is that slang for something? juliet

SteelofUtah -> RE: Male doms--how do you help a problem dom? (4/9/2009 6:09:41 PM)
No..... It's like the Pot calling the Kettle Black. Pot...Kettle... Black Any Questions? I was just playing along with the gag hun. But what you said made me fall out of my chair laughing so thanks for that. Steel

julietsierra -> RE: Male doms--how do you help a problem dom? (4/9/2009 6:18:01 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah No..... It's like the Pot calling the Kettle Black. Pot...Kettle... Black Any Questions? I was just playing along with the gag hun. But what you said made me fall out of my chair laughing so thanks for that. Steel lol... I'm checking my roots for some blonde that I didn't know I had there. DUH!! lol juliet

Andalusite -> RE: Male doms--how do you help a problem dom? (4/9/2009 7:53:27 PM)
I have only run into one problem guy in the Scene, and avoided being around him as much as possible after that, but didn't complain formally to anyone. He was a DM at some of the public parties I attended (no invitation required, and I didn't feel he had done anything that required him to stay away, but it made me uncomfortable to play when he was around, especially when he was DMing). I got into a monogamous relationship that didn't include any public play about 3 months later, and haven't seen him since then. I've had a couple of problems with guys when I've gone dancing at vanilla bars. One guy followed me out to my car twice, and tried to get me to give him a ride somewhere, after not speaking to me at all the entire evening. When I saw him get up and follow me when I tried to leave the third time, I asked two of my friends to walk me to the car, even though it was just outside the door in the parking lot. They asked why, and when I told them, they decided to tell the bartender and she decided to ban him because she didn't want him making me or anyone else uncomfortable. Another guy got drunk and tried to grope me, and a different bartender (same place) threw coasters at him and yelled at him until the bouncer pried him away from me, and he was promptly ejected. At one vanilla event, a different guy kept following me and a friend around, breathing down our necks, for the first two days. We couldn't turn around without practically bumping into or stepping on him. We told him to leave us alone, but he kept doing it. We complained to security, and they talked to him, but couldn't pull his badge, since he hadn't done anything illegal. The second night, when we were walking in the hallway, I had enough, and growled, "Go away." "I'm not doing anything," he whined. "I don't care, leave us alone," I said more emphatically. "I don't have to, I have a right to be here," he replied. So, I bellowed at the top of my lungs "Get at least 5 feet away from me!" Everyone parted as he passed them, and turned to glare at him as he slunk down to the other end of the hallway. It was probably a bit overkill, but he would NOT stop for anything short of that Three of those guys didn't do anything illegal, they were just being creeptastic, and the one who groped me was married to one of my friends. While I was offended by him grabbing my breast, I wasn't mad enough about it to press charges - him getting kicked out until he could sober up and behave was sufficient. This other guy sounds like he's gone a lot farther than that, but not to the point where people are willing to press charges. His reputation is finally starting to catch up with him, which sounds like it's a good thing. One or two people having a problem with him is one thing, but when it's that widespread, people need to do something about it. If he came whinging to me about it, I'd shrug and say, "You made your bed, now you've got to lie in it."

BossyShoeBitch -> RE: Male doms--how do you help a problem dom? (4/9/2009 9:08:30 PM)
It believe it was my hair, not my arm...LOL Dude had a crush on me but I think I had just introduced you to him like thirty minutes before that. It's not like the guy didn't know we were together or that you weren't like ten feet away from me at the time! OP: When I find someone creepy and with no redeeming social skills, I have no problem telling them very loudly to GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU ARE CREEPY AND NOBODY LIKES YOU! When someone is ostracised by everyone, sometimes they have an epiphany and realize the problem may not lie with everyone else in the world but with themselves. Sometimes. If all else fails, tase the dude.

GreedyTop -> RE: Male doms--how do you help a problem dom? (4/9/2009 9:59:58 PM)
quote: If all else fails, tase the dude. you've been to talking to Sci, haven't you? LOL

CreativeDominant -> RE: Male doms--how do you help a problem dom? (4/10/2009 7:33:15 AM)
To get back to the original point of the post... Lady H, while there is much to be admired about your kindness of heart and generosity of spirit, there comes a point when you just have to realize that nothing you do for certain people is going to fix them. Some alcoholics go through detox and rehab via A. A. and still wind up falling off the wagon, some people with emotional problems decide to finally see a therapist and then quit when the therapist begins either telling that person the truth about themselves or tries too soon to make them see it. Some people Just Don't Get It...and sadly, Don't Want To Get It. You and juliet and others have noted this guy has been banned. That's great. Perhaps while he's banned, some of you can sit down together and figure out how many times he's been confronted and take a close look at what his response to the confrontation has been. If his response has always been "They're lying" "I did no such thing" "I wasn't even with her" but never even a "Well, I may have went a little overboard" despite numerous confrontations, that will give you some idea of whether or not this person is likely to ever be helped. I've said it before...I have no intention of being a submissive's therapist. I get enough of that at my office with various patients who need someone (me)to hold their hand to deal with their emotional/mental problems while the big, bad doctor (me) pokes and prods and kneads and beats on their physical problems. I will be supportive if a problem develops and make sure she gets therapy, I will be supportive of therapy she is getting now, but it is NOT my job to be the fixer. I feel the same way about this guy and others like him, be supportive even while being corrective at the start but for the problem to be fixed without banning (or release), the person in question has to recognize their problem and WANT to be fixed. Someone suggested yesterday that one of the things I might want to bring to this discussion is a furthering of the suggestion I made in the last couple of days about "newbie" classes. When I belonged to U. G. in Denver, one of the things you had to do to become a member...and before you could attend any play parties...was attend several orientation sessions. These sessions were geared towards the rules and rituals and protocol of the club, safety issues, the very real possibility of being banned for not following the rules, etc.. It didn't make any difference whether or not you were new to BDSM or had been around for 10 years...if you wanted to go to play parties and were a new member, you went through these first. The only thing I would have changed, and would change now if given the opportunity, would be to make things more equal. They did a good job in those sessions of explaining to dominants how they expected them to behave and how to act towards submissives and they did a good job of teaching submissives what to look for in predatory/psycho dominants. BUT...they never bothered with the idea that there could be predatory/psycho submissives. Back then, male pride or a sense of shame or whatever about what had happened to me kept me from speaking up about it being a real possibility. Now, I would speak up just as I have done on these boards. I suggest for your group, if you are still seeking new members, that you make it a requirement that they must attend these "orientation sessions" before they can attend play parties. Keep a list of those members who've attended the sessions and then, when someone brings a complaint, you will be able to note whether or not they attended these sessions and were fairly warned about the consequences of bad behavior.

thishereboi -> RE: Male doms--how do you help a problem dom? (4/10/2009 7:58:52 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: lusciouslips19 quote: ORIGINAL: Anaquot quote: ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus He can be very charming, has lovely eyes, and honest to "Bob", he is not evil, just a user. So... the seeds are sown. The old boys club has protected him all this time, so why stop now, right? Are you sure you don't have a thing going for this guy? Do you just hate men in general? Would minding your own business be an option? You have no idea what you are spewing. I dont appreciate you insulting a person you dont even know. Do you hate Dominant women? Thanks for that. I was trying to think of a responce that wouldn't bring Mod 11 down on my head, but you said it better than I could.

thishereboi -> RE: Male doms--how do you help a problem dom? (4/10/2009 8:04:40 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CalifChick Hey Hib? I missed it somewhere... can you point it out to me where you said you were going to go to a group of people and say "This Guy Equals Bad"? Funny, I thought I saw you asking how to open his eyes AND you were going to try to be speaking at a sub women's munch to help women learn how to pick men. Cali She never said that. She said she was going to speak at a submissives meeting and other posters ran with that thought and made up the rest. She also never said she started the submissives group or that she would mention the idiots name, but that won't stop people from posting about how wrong it is.

thishereboi -> RE: Male doms--how do you help a problem dom? (4/10/2009 8:10:22 AM)
Beat the shit out of him? Do you really see that as a positive solution? Do you solve all your problems this way?

kidwithknife -> RE: Male doms--how do you help a problem dom? (4/10/2009 8:53:33 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BossyShoeBitch When I find someone creepy and with no redeeming social skills, I have no problem telling them very loudly to GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU ARE CREEPY AND NOBODY LIKES YOU! This. Sometimes the most obvious solutions really are the best ones.

LaTigresse -> RE: Male doms--how do you help a problem dom? (4/10/2009 9:13:03 AM)
Oui

Emperor1956 -> RE: Male doms--how do you help a problem dom? (4/10/2009 6:45:08 PM)
EXCUSE ME: Julietsierra: Emperor1956: We're only getting one side of the story and all of it bad press. I'm going to play devil's advocate and ask for proof. Not hearsay from sobbing submissives that had their balloons popped. I said no such thing. What is the point of discussion around here when people fabricate comments and then answer them? E

julietsierra -> RE: Male doms--how do you help a problem dom? (4/11/2009 2:14:24 AM)
oh dear... as I said to you privately Emperor, the comment was made. All I did was cut and paste. After that I went back and applied the names to each quote. In the process, I inadvertantly applied your name to that quotation. No slight was intended. In fact, what I was trying to do was give appropriate ownership to each person's comment. If I mistakenly applied your name to that quote, then I do apologize. juliet

julietsierra -> RE: Male doms--how do you help a problem dom? (4/11/2009 2:16:03 AM)
To the person who DID make that comment, I also apologize to you for giving credit to someone other than the person who said it. It's early and I am headed back to bed, otherwise, I'd look it up again and provide the correct citation. juliet

NorthernGent -> RE: Male doms--how do you help a problem dom? (4/11/2009 3:08:57 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus He preys on the new young girls because the ones who know him avoid him. As a female dominant, he has never ever done anything inappropriate to me, except demonstrate his utter lack of social skills. To other women, it's been everything from date rape, to telling one that he gave her herpes, to just playing so ineptly that we found his date sobbing in the ladies room. What would you do? Anything? As the above is pretty much the meat of the matter, I've condensed your post and will respond as follows: I'm not a fan of the damsel-in-distress/mob rule routine. The mob can quite easily a) get it wrong and b) have their own agenda, which I suppose is why the rule of law is such a valuable form of government. 'Preying' is not an objective truth. Ask a number of people to define 'preying', and you'll receive an array of definitions. There is no crime in trying to get a woman back to your house/flat, and there is no crime in lacking social skills (which, again, is open to opinion). A woman sobbing in the ladies room? That could be for a number of reasons - perhaps she doesn't think she's getting a fair crack of the whip, and he's more of a 'you're here for me' type of bloke. The one solid area you post is date rape, which is pretty much not open to interpretation. Assuming the evidence exists, then the police should be involved and he should be in jail. Why has he not been convicted of this offence? Is it because the evidence does not exist? The idea that there's no smoke without fire, is nonsense. Quite frankly, were I him, I'd be mightily pissed off with a kangaroo court deciding that I'm guilty and making this information available to all and sundry. There is a very good reason why the rule of law and innocent until proven guilty have proven to be invaluable cornerstones of democracy. Unless you have evidence of more than simply lacking social skills and trying it on with women, then I'm struggling to see why this man is being ostracised. I mean, most of us like women and will try it on in our own way (perhaps he lacks subtlety). Edited to add: assuming it's acknowledged that people get it wrong from time-to-time, and it's accepted that many of us like the idea of power and being in a position to make decisions, and it's accepted that sometimes we act out of self-interest; then I'd hope that people would remember this before deciding he's a witch and drowning the bloke. Imagine the shoe was on the other foot - presumably you'd expect a fair trial including a fair assessment of the evidence based on reason as opposed to group politics?

NorthernGent -> RE: Male doms--how do you help a problem dom? (4/11/2009 3:47:17 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael Frankly, there is someone in my community we are having trouble with and the worst is that he lies to people and cheats. AND we are considering banning him for that. Is your community an off-shoot of Stalinist East Germany in its pomp? Fuckin' hell. I mean, where are the virtuous human beings going to draw the line with all of this? Lying, cheating, poor social skills, disrespect, looking at people the wrong way, not dressed in black, sporting a cock over and above the average? Face it, it's all power driven, attention seeking bollocks. Edited to add: 'reminds me of being 12 at school....."Sir, Sally told Anne that I haven't started wearing a bra, but she's lying cos I'm a C cup, and I can't stop crying. It's not fair!!! Can you scratch her eyes out for me?"

colouredin -> RE: Male doms--how do you help a problem dom? (4/11/2009 4:04:11 AM)
Wow this is one hell of a degeneration as a thread. Thing is only the people who know the situation know it, and you have to let your own moral code decide what you do. Maybe you should have done something sooner if you were going to at all, maybe if everyone doesnt like him everyone stops talking to him I dunno. I just think that it has to be your decision it certainly doesnt seem that you will be getting much help here. You have eight pages of people saying what they will do, and also some rather petty back biting. Ironically showing why it is that in this 'community' we all end up doing nothing. You cant force everyone to agree and can only do what you feel comfy with.

NorthernGent -> RE: Male doms--how do you help a problem dom? (4/11/2009 4:07:27 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael When would you ban someone from a group you ran? Spend enough time watching anyone, and you'll be able to pick out traits in that person that you don't like. It couldn't possibly be any other way by virtue of one simple fact: the virtuous human being does not exist. Then it becomes a matter of a) why is a particular individual being singled out for this attention? Is there an hidden agenda and b) Why is lying deemed to be the cardinal sin? Why is it more of a problem than blatant self-promotion? Neither are particularly endearing qualities. All of this is far too subjective and open to personal bias for my liking. It's far removed from having evidence of someone breaking the law.

lusciouslips19 -> RE: Male doms--how do you help a problem dom? (4/11/2009 4:16:56 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: NorthernGent Unless you have evidence of more than simply lacking social skills and trying it on with women, then I'm struggling to see why this man is being ostracised. I mean, most of us like women and will try it on in our own way (perhaps he lacks subtlety). Maybe you glossed over a large majority of this thread but There were 3 people from that group who came here.2 witnesses and one with first hand experience as a submissive harassed by him. Again what does a person need that a submissives reports are taken seriously? And people wonder why most rape and harrassment is not reported.

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