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LadyPact -> RE: Dominants Wearing Collars (4/7/2009 2:24:52 PM)
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ORIGINAL: HeavansKeeper
from another thread got me thinking. Many people support the "there's no true way" and "make BDSM whatever is right for you" theories, but then there's something like this. The quote was made in context of public play, does that change anything?
For how I do things, probably not.
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How do you feel about dominants wearing collars?
I don't particularly 'feel' anything about it. What anyone wears is up to them.
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How do you feel about unowned people wearing collars in public venues?
Again, I don't feel anything about it. I'm aware of the fact that a collar doesn't mean the same thing to everyone as it does to Me. Some people use them as part of fashion or to get into a particular mindset when attending an event. I have no more right to tell them that a collar means more than that than those who would say I put too much value in one.
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Do you think we should strive for a more unified culture in public space?
No, I don't. After all, which culture would we choose? How would we decide?
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Do you always assume a person in a collar is owned?
Yes, I do. As with good manners, I feel it's better to err on the side of caution. I'd much rather not offend someone by being too casual. I don't believe anyone should lower what might be the protocol of their dynamic just because I happened along.
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What is your opinion of people who go to BDSM clubs (frequently or not, doesn't matter) to play, but do not keep a power exchange dynamic anywhere else?
I don't think very much of it, but I also understand that My way isn't everyone's way.
While I'm on the subject, I want to turn this around for a minute. While some people do use collars as fashion statements or play only accessories, I think it fair that those who don't hold wearing a collar in high regard understand that there are those people who do. The following is something that I wrote when responding to a question elsewhere about interacting with someone collared in regard to high protocol. It might help people to understand how I see it.
Just like in any other setting, no one would decide it was a good idea to pick up an item out of my toy bag, or take the keys and drive off in my car, they don't have a right to use my boy for their purposes. It's just like anything else. If you know it doesn't belong to you, I would suggest that you have no right to it.
Now, truth be told, the day I put my collar on my boy's neck, he knew the responsibility and terms of that collar. It's entirely possible that an outside party isn't aware of the level of protocol that I expect because of it. So should you (general you) either be blind to it, ignorant of it, or just plain disrespectful of it, I'm honestly not going to blame you. (I'm not going to think very highly of you, but that's another matter.) The responsibility of it does lie with my boy. I don't control the actions of others. I control him and he should know what I expect.
In the same breath, you (again, general you)have no right to feel slighted should the boy you just approached stand up and walk away from you, forward me your emails, or give me his phone to answer because that's the structure of this dynamic. Don't complain to me that he's disrespected you when you chose not to address me first and he's behaved accordingly.
For those who do identify as switch, it's absolutely correct that I have no right to decide for you which role you are in. If you are in my company or my home, I would treat you as you would like to be treated as to the role you chose. However, if you are not in sub mode for all interactions with my boy and I, the practical application, in my opinion, is to afford you the same as I would any other D, and expect the same courtesies that should come from one.
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