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catize -> RE: Submissive as a respected member of your community. Real or illusion? (4/10/2009 10:43:35 PM)
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I have read both threads with interest. I see it as more than a BDSM community issue because I have watched very similar social problems in all facets of life; work, church, neighborhoods, any type of group gatherings that are out there.
There are the type of ‘hosts’ or ‘leaders’ who are uncomfortable with confrontation. So they allow the group to disintegrate rather than make a stand for the good of the whole.
There are the type of members who will never stop carping; whether something is dealt with or ignored, ‘they’ aren’t happy and try to undermine any positive steps.
There are the socially inept members who are not malicious, but simply annoy. They are the ones who never ‘get it’; blunt confrontations are as useless as subtle hints. They believe they are popular because they end up talking to everyone over the span of the gathering—never realizing that the reason they speak to so many is that people slowly drift away to escape. The group as a whole tolerates them simply hoping they will learn over time—and they never do.
Then you have gender issues; not only the differences between communication styles between men and women; but how those styles are valued. The belief that men are assertive, but women are bitchy for example. There will always be certain men and women who refuse to accept that anything a member of the opposite gender says is valid. Unfortunately, there will always be women and men who act in a way that each respective sex see as proof of how correct they are in their generalizations.
You will almost always see and hear accusations of gender bias when things get heated.
Dominant and submissive members abound in any group. Unfortunately, most of the time males are viewed as dominant and females as submissive. Add that to a group of (tongue in cheek) like minded D/s people and the dominant/submissive problems are apt to be exaggerated. It takes a strong contingent within the group to overcome that.
How many listen to the women who talk in girlish voices, burst out in girlish giggles and say to them ‘You are an adult! I would find you less annoying if you saved that for your own dominant if that’s what they like.’ How many of us watch a man come on to every woman in the room and say to him “You are an adult. I’d like you much better if you could carry on a conversation that didn’t demand I submit to you’?
I firmly believe that I must respect myself first and foremost. I believe that if I conduct myself in a way that keeps my self respect intact, then the good folks will also respect what I stand for. And I really don’t want any respect from ‘bad’ folks. Self respect means that if no one values what I say then it is time to find a venue where they will.
If a situation arises where I am made uncomfortable or feel vulnerable or unsafe, then my self respect demands that I speak up. If no one listens, then I speak louder—sometimes louder in volume, sometimes ‘louder’ as in more forceful and often repeated until the issue comes into the light. I had a neighbor a number of years ago who harassed me; not sexually, he just decided to make my life miserable. He was sneaky and I couldn’t prove a thing. But I bided my time and waited for him to make a mistake. The neighbors were all outside for something, I can’t even remember what. But this guy walked behind me and muttered a derogatory comment as he pretended to stroll by. I loudly asked him, “Would you like to repeat that so everyone can hear what you just said to me?’ Everyone stared at both of us and he slunk away with a bright red face. He never bothered me again.
My sense of self respect compels me to say that the term of ‘save-a-hoe’ from the other thread offends me on several levels. Unless the writer of that term is talking about a garden implement, I don’t find it an appropriate word in this context; nor do I appreciate the connotation that if I am in a sticky situation I must be a ‘ho and therefore deserve it. It may not be true for all, but I for one do not care to be perceived as a damsel in distress in need of a white knight,. But some back up from the troops (male and female) can turn the tide while I am doing battle.
Groups are made up of people with all their flaws. I personally have never been a member of a perfect group. For some of us the socialization is worth the hassles, for some of us the hassles don’t make it worth our time to stay in that dynamic.
Once again, we can’t change other people; we can only change our response to them.
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