whats the thought process here

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InTonguesslave -> whats the thought process here (4/10/2009 1:01:11 PM)
ive got the impression a few times on here from Dominants that, having to repeatedly request their sub/slave to do something gets tiresome, even to the point of considering releasing them. im wondering what the feelings/emotions/thoughts are when you have probably spent time and energy on the sub/slave in question to bring you to that dreaded conclusion that release is a real option. im wondering because most subs/slaves have a vested interest in their D. they are there because they are happy to be there and if failing at a task repeatedly becomes such a big issue maybe those of us who do fail need to understand the psyche of this. i know i do. im not necessarily talking about bdsm stuff, its more the pragmatic side of things. for instance: there is a task that Sir has repeatedly asked me to do. i have a dread of forms, a big, irrational dread of them. i havent said 'no i wont do that' i will go ahead and do it, but its a matter of overcoming this dread. its a major block - and before anyone says, why doesnt he help you with it, he's offered and i chose to do it for myself he said today that he cant be bothered to keep asking me. that made me feel terrible. so is it that it just gets exhausting, tiresome, irritating is it that refusing or failing to do a task questions the dynamic does it put into question the sincerity of the sub/slave and is there other stuff going on in there.

hopeful68 -> RE: whats the thought process here (4/10/2009 1:13:04 PM)
good question.. I will be watching.. I would also like to ask additionally.. is it hard for Dominants to release a sub/slave.. does it affect them emotionally.. because.. every really truly Dominant man I have ever known in person.. they seem.. almost without emotion. I understand control.. but emotionless..?

Domin8tingUrDrmz -> RE: whats the thought process here (4/10/2009 1:25:49 PM)
Yes, it does get tiresome. Part of what I seek in a sub/slave is one who proactively seeks ways to please me. One who when I do request something of them, they take that request seriously and do their best to tend to it in a timely fashion. I wouldn't request it of them if it did not matter to me. When a sub/slave puts those requests off for whatever reason, it in essence says to me that they are rejecting something I deem important and thereby rejecting me. Being rejected in those little ways becomes annoying, tiresome, and quite frankly, I have no desire to keep someone around who does such. Hopeful, Initially, in the beginning phases of a relationship, it does not hurt me one bit to release someone that I've just started with. I may feel a bit saddened that it didn't work out, but no, not hurt. Now, if it were a person I've built a relationship with and vested much of my time and effort, then yes, I probably would be hurt. However, if things are not working out then I find releasing the person to be in the best interest of both parties. Best for me because then I can focus on finding one who more suits my needs, and best for them because they too can find one who better suits their needs. It would be more painful to remain in an unhappy situation. Why would I want to continue to allow someone to hurt me by rejecting me rather than deal with the temporary pain involved in letting them go? Keep in mind, if they are forgetful and actually do wish to do as requested but have a hard time remembering, I will work on ways to help them remember. I would only release them if I found that no amount of working with them was helping.

dreamerdreaming -> RE: whats the thought process here (4/10/2009 1:32:24 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: hopeful68 good question.. I will be watching.. I would also like to ask additionally.. is it hard for Dominants to release a sub/slave.. does it affect them emotionally.. because.. every really truly Dominant man I have ever known in person.. they seem.. almost without emotion. I understand control.. but emotionless..? They have emotions, just as much as anybody else. They just hide them. From you, and maybe even from themselves. Don't settle for someone like this, it'll just cause you heartache. Especially if the person is not even letting himself feel his own feelings. Or even if they know how they feel but are just hiding it from significant others, this tells you they are very insecure. Very afraid. Run far away, because you can't help these kinds of people. They've got to help themselves. They've got to recognize the problem, and want to change. You cannot be the catalyst. They themselves must be, due the the nature of their problem. steps down from soap box

NorthernGent -> RE: whats the thought process here (4/10/2009 1:36:53 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: InTonguesslave there is a task that Sir has repeatedly asked me to do. i have a dread of forms, a big, irrational dread of them. i havent said 'no i wont do that' i will go ahead and do it, but its a matter of overcoming this dread. its a major block - and before anyone says, why doesnt he help you with it, he's offered and i chose to do it for myself he said today that he cant be bothered to keep asking me. that made me feel terrible. As this is the meat of the matter, I'll respond to this as follows: He wants you to do something. You're not coping with it well. He has offered some support; you have rejected the offer. I understand why his patience his wearing thin. Life is too short to fuck about with a form. You may think this is a major issue in your life, but perhaps he thinks that he has better things to do with his time than go 'round in circles with something that is, quite frankly, utterly trivial in the grand scheme of human existence. As you're there to serve him, I'd have thought you'd have put his concerns at the top of your agenda. Were I you, I'd take up the offer of support and move on. Quite frankly, I wouldn't waste my time with someone who can't negotiate a form. Think yourself lucky that you have someone who is more patient and is willing to help - do yourself a favour and accept his offer.

NorthernGent -> RE: whats the thought process here (4/10/2009 1:43:47 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: hopeful68 good question.. I will be watching.. I would also like to ask additionally.. is it hard for Dominants to release a sub/slave.. does it affect them emotionally.. because.. every really truly Dominant man I have ever known in person.. they seem.. almost without emotion. I understand control.. but emotionless..? That is simply flawed logic. As human beings, we all share a wide range of emotions and instincts. Perhaps it's nearer to the mark to say some of us don't suffer fools gladly, which is why we need someone who is an equal and whom we can respect. That way, you're never into the realms of: "I can't be bothered......".

LaTigresse -> RE: whats the thought process here (4/10/2009 1:47:22 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: hopeful68 good question.. I will be watching.. I would also like to ask additionally.. is it hard for Dominants to release a sub/slave.. does it affect them emotionally.. because.. every really truly Dominant man I have ever known in person.. they seem.. almost without emotion. I understand control.. but emotionless..? It it agony for me to send someone I care about away. However, you wouldn't know it. The icy demeanour is my armour.

Lockit -> RE: whats the thought process here (4/10/2009 1:55:19 PM)
lally, What spoke to me the loudest was that you stated you have a problem with forms and your dominant has offered to help you with it, but you wanted to do it yourself. When I have been in this situation and I have been a number of times, I believed that a door was being shut because the person wanted to heal themselves and yet closed that door to getting healed becasue they were not ready to deal with it. It is kind of like you are stuck but it is more comfortable stuck than doing what you need to do to repair whatever it is. Or like going to a doctor and wanting healing, but telling the doctor how you want to be healed rather than doing it the way the doctor knows best. If you could do this on your own, you would have already wouldn't you? There is nothing wrong with needing a little assistance. You have nothing to prove here... It is very humbling to admit we need some help with something, but that doesn't mean it has to be a negative! I see it as a wonderful thing and a release of many sorts of things depending on whatever is going on. You can stay stuck... you can even beat yourself up becasue you fail your dominant... you can do lots of things in fear or that stuck place. But think of what you can do if you accept that you are not proving a point of strength or I can do it from fear or stubborness or whatever. Think of how much easier it would be and how you wouldn't be set up for failure if you hand this to your dominant and ask for his help. You won't be diminished in any way and you just might get through whatever it is. When someone closes a door and isn't moving forward... it gets very frustrating for me and at some point I won't tolerate it. I don't like repeating myself or staying stuck, especially if there is someone loving there to assist. Why do you want to do it on your own? Is it a need to do it on your own, whatever the cost? Is it a situation where you lose something if you get assistance? Or a situation where it is best for you to do it on your own? You don't seem to feel good about how this has turned out... so evaluate the whole situation and figure out why you need to do this verses why it might be best to try another way. Hugs!

hopeful68 -> RE: whats the thought process here (4/10/2009 2:08:06 PM)
LaTigresse, I guessed that about you. It is similar with many Dominants I think, and sad too.

hopeful68 -> RE: whats the thought process here (4/10/2009 2:11:38 PM)
NorthernGent, I am not sure I am following you....

DesFIP -> RE: whats the thought process here (4/10/2009 2:12:54 PM)
He's not big on having me fail, even if I'm the one setting myself up for failure. Times like this he takes over, sits me and the task down and stays with me while I do it so he can help. The unpleasant sort of forced task. But he understands this is not willful disobedience. It's fear and shame, and past bad experiences coming together to paralyze me. Which is different from me giving him the bird.

hopeful68 -> RE: whats the thought process here (4/10/2009 2:14:45 PM)
dreamerdreaming, yes, I understand this concept and have tried to follow that rule of thumb, but find myself attracted anyway.. little bit of.. self sabatoge coming into play there, but smart enough to realize it and move on anyway.. thanks.. [:)]

SteelofUtah -> RE: whats the thought process here (4/10/2009 2:15:00 PM)
<SIGHS> Okay, here is the process the way I hear it in my own brain. Please understand I don't speak for everyone but I know that at least for 2 or 3 this will ring VERY true. Me: Girl, today I want you to sit down and fill out this form for insurance, it is important that this gets done. I asked you to do this last week and you still haven't gotten around to it. I expect this done when I get home. In My head I have actually asked you to do it about 8 times now and eact time I get a different excuse, I really just want you to show me that you aren't helpless and that you can be trusted to handle something that is this important please just follow through on this, this isn't like the laundry or the bathroom sink this is serious Girl: Okay, I'll Try. Me: No, No Try I need this done I need to know that you will have this completed when I get home, do you need me here to show you how? In My head No No No, I hear Try all the time and what that means is that you want me to understand that you really don't think you will complete it because if you say try it makes it okay in your head if you don't because you didn't say you were going to. I don't want to just do it for you because all that does is leave you helpless with out me and I don't want that. Girl: Some of it is really confusing. Maybe that would be better. Me: <sigh> what is confusing hunny? It's all there you just need to follow step by step and fill in what it asks you for. In My head How is it that I tried to be as independant as possible and not let my parents help me with anything and I managed to figure all this out and your parents have gone and fixed everything for you to an extent that you do not know how to fill out a basic form and maintain things like this. What would you have done if you were on your own? What will happen if I am gone? how will you manage if I get hurt or have to go away for awhile? Girl: I don't know what all those things are. Me: Like what? In My head What is it that you don't know what is? Your Drivers License Number? Your SSN, My SSN, the Midgets SSN? How much you paid in Taxes last year? You know where we keep the file right? I mean you watch me put things in there every year, I will make sure when I get home to go over what we keep in the file just to make sure you know where it is and what is in there but I am going to PRAY that you know what and where it is because that is where a majority of the things you want are. I know you aren't dumb so I won't insult you by making it a big deal I will just wait and see how things go along. Girl: I don't know the last time I looked at it is was just so confusing so I stopped because I didn't want to screw it up. Me: well girl if you don't do anything at all you will screw it up and myself and the midget will lose our insurance. In My Head I just don't get it, getting her to do this is pointless she doesn't want to get it, I mean it seems she would rather just not do it then learn how to do it. If she isn't interested in helping out with important things then what is the point in asking her to? What is the point in putting this much effort into something as simple as an insurance form when she is making it obvious she really just doesn't want to do it and would rather I do it. If I can't rely on her for these things what else is falling through the cracks? What is wrong with me? Why am I not able to convey how important this is to me, why does she just think it will take care of itself? I could let it lapse and let her see the consequences but that would hurt both of us and I would feel like I'm failing her even more than I do now because I cannot get her to understand that this is just as important to me as anything else I ask her to do. You can apply this thought process to just about anything else. From Cleaning the house to making the Bed, anytime I request or outright order something and it is ignored or simply left undone for any reason I wonder at the reasons and what I am doing wrong and if after all the effort I have put in what I am getting out of it. Sure the girl is lovely to spend time with and I love her company as much as my own, but you know it takes more than love and good times to keep something working if my requests aren't important enough a reason for her to follow thorugh on something then how important are my wants and needs to her? The outside view is offten different then what the brain is dealing with. Steel

InTonguesslave -> RE: whats the thought process here (4/10/2009 2:34:16 PM)
lockit, thanks, i hear you - what youve said hurts a bit - but youre right. rejecting his help, input, efforts - i really hadnt thought of it like that. thank you. big hug xxxx In My Head I just don't get it, getting her to do this is pointless she doesn't want to get it, I mean it seems she would rather just not do it then learn how to do it. If she isn't interested in helping out with important things then what is the point in asking her to? What is the point in putting this much effort into something as simple as an insurance form when she is making it obvious she really just doesn't want to do it and would rather I do it. If I can't rely on her for these things what else is falling through the cracks? What is wrong with me? Why am I not able to convey how important this is to me, why does she just think it will take care of itself? I could let it lapse and let her see the consequences but that would hurt both of us and I would feel like I'm failing her even more than I do now because I cannot get her to understand that this is just as important to me as anything else I ask her to do. this is almost verbatim in what Sir conveyed to me today. it made me stop and think hard about my selfish inability to overcome a hatred of forms for him. it so helps to understand whats going on inside of youre heads. it isnt just about the pragmatic reality of - something isnt done = Dominant gets fed up. there is so much more going on inside of that and im so glad i asked this question. honestly a very very big big thank you. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

InTonguesslave -> RE: whats the thought process here (4/10/2009 2:47:32 PM)
hopeful, i understand what youre saying and partly is why i posted this. because i never could completely buy that a Dominant is so cold and uncaring that they can release their valuable property simply through failing a menial task. there had to be much more to it. i can see now that when we invoke that sense of powerlesness in our Ds each time we baulk on something menial it is as lockit says, its rejecting everything they give us. thats awful! - i have a greater dread of rejecting someone than i do of forms, i am so going to do those forms now!!! each and every request they make is so loaded with more than just the control aspect and the requirement for us to do as we are asked. its absurd that ive never really considered that a simple request could be so loaded.

Lockit -> RE: whats the thought process here (4/10/2009 2:50:25 PM)
When we are rebuilding our self... and trying to hand our self over to someone else... things can get confusing. What is survial and needed to build yourself up and what is something we don't need to survive or build our self up? I have often wondered when dealing with an issue with a submissive, how to support the building up in area's needed and what needs to be torn down or handed over. It is like walking an emotional tightrope sometimes. On one hand you are needing to see how self suffeciant you can be and yet how submissive to another you want and need to be. Isn't it funny how you want to submit and please so much and do... and then hang on to something and no matter what, you can't submit? There is always something deeper there and an opportunity to build upon that trust with your dominant... but one can get impatient with the process through some things and maybe some of that plays into the fact that you are so good about submitting in other areas and the comparison is... well... a football field! lol Hang in there... you are articulate and an amazing person just trying to make your way and I know you will find it!

InTonguesslave -> RE: whats the thought process here (4/10/2009 3:20:28 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Lockit When we are rebuilding our self... and trying to hand our self over to someone else... things can get confusing. What is survial and needed to build yourself up and what is something we don't need to survive or build our self up? I have often wondered when dealing with an issue with a submissive, how to support the building up in area's needed and what needs to be torn down or handed over. It is like walking an emotional tightrope sometimes. On one hand you are needing to see how self suffeciant you can be and yet how submissive to another you want and need to be. Isn't it funny how you want to submit and please so much and do... and then hang on to something and no matter what, you can't submit? There is always something deeper there and an opportunity to build upon that trust with your dominant... but one can get impatient with the process through some things and maybe some of that plays into the fact that you are so good about submitting in other areas and the comparison is... well... a football field! lol Hang in there... you are articulate and an amazing person just trying to make your way and I know you will find it! thank you. xx yes it is a tightrope and it is a balancing act and yes, i can submit myself fully in all the ways that seem most important and then in other things, the stupid little stupid stupid things i get stuck. its handing over the stupid things, the things that i feel i should be able to do myself because i dont want to be a burden or a nuisance i dont want to be needy or a child. the confusion is that i need to remain independent in my daily life and yet i must relinquish that independence at the same time. i hold onto the things i think i should be able to do and by taking them on myself they become mine to deal with, when, where and however. but that isnt how it goes of course. either we hand things over or we do them ourselves - either way it isnt for us to choose when, where and however. its accepting that whatever we are asked, with or without youre active participation is still youre call, always youre call, never ours. ping!! - thats the sound of a light going on in my little brain [:)]

hopeful68 -> RE: whats the thought process here (4/10/2009 4:02:57 PM)
InTonguesslave - Sorry honey, I did not mean to partically hyjack your post, but when you have a questions, you didnt even know you had, sometimes you just have to put it down right then. I do not have the same issue as you, I seem to understand and carry out wishes/orders as requested, and it only takes one time of not getting it right to get it right the second. My real question was and is.. why do they seem so cold.. I understand being in control, I understand Dominant.. I dont understand.. no emotion.

InTonguesslave -> RE: whats the thought process here (4/10/2009 4:17:55 PM)
no problem [:)] its kinda part of the question anyway. ... and in a way the answers here kind of answer youre question too. it isnt a lack of emotion that might bring something to a close, infact if anything its too much frustrating/conflicting emotions to deal with in the end. when Sir is in full on mode he takes on this slightly detached manner - i know he cares about me and he's enjoying me and he'll get back to being cuddly eventually - just he floats off for a bit. is that what youre asking about. or do you mean that the D's youve met are just cold and unemotional.

hopeful68 -> RE: whats the thought process here (4/10/2009 5:00:27 PM)
I mean that (and this could easily just be me picking this type) he is there, when he there, but when he has other things he either needs/wants/desires to do, he is.. gone. Wholey and totally. Mentally, emotionally, physcially. And I ask, what is going on..? something I did/said/didnt do/say.. ? always, no, nothing to do with me. I just have somethings I need to get done. Very aloof. Until he gets through whatever it is he is doing, and then, right back again. Makes no sense to me.. lol. (I know that most times it is work related. just dosnt make it easier to deal with I guess)

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