Why do Dommes need to have limits?

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Why do Dommes need to have limits? - 4/10/2009 9:17:25 PM

subsubtle

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Perhaps this will end up being an argument in semantics but oh well.

I've been wondering why Dommes feel the need to explain what their "limits" are. As a sub, I would never want to do anything that I knew my Mistress did not enjoy, let alone something she hated. Similarly, if she's in charge, she wouldn't have to list her limits. She would simply have to say "These are things we will not do." She's in charge so it's up to her. To me, a limit is something that I ask not to be ordered to do because I can't do it or I would hate it. But, since the dominant is in control, they don't need to worry about their limits because they decide what happens anyway.

Thoughts?

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RE: Why do Dommes need to have limits? - 4/10/2009 9:20:58 PM

FullfigRIMAAM1

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For us they aren't so much limits as much as a warning to anyone approaching to not even go there. M

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RE: Why do Dommes need to have limits? - 4/10/2009 9:25:00 PM

LadySweetOrSour

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I personally have ass play as a hard limit. When a potential sub is reading my profile, he get's the full idea that I am not one who will engage in any kind of ass play. If this is something he loves/desires, he then knows it is a waste of time contacting me.

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RE: Why do Dommes need to have limits? - 4/10/2009 10:10:40 PM

SweetDommes

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For us, it has to do with guys who seem to think that because we are Dominant, then we *MUST* love to do X, Y, and/or Z ... and because we are bi, then we *HAVE* to like forced-fem (among other things) ... It just gets old telling them that we aren't interested in it, and then having them tell us that we surely like it because we're (whatever).

Although on the plus side, it quickly lets us know that they aren't compatable with us

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RE: Why do Dommes need to have limits? - 4/10/2009 10:15:57 PM

Kaiel

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I think it's important to know My limits, so the sub/slave doesn't waste My time or theirs... for instance if you are in a dress in your profile and think about contacting Me... errr, don't... I don't "do" fem-men. It's just a way of saying... My kink doesn't match yours and vice-versa.

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RE: Why do Dommes need to have limits? - 4/10/2009 10:31:31 PM

dreamerdreaming

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There are certain things that are hard limits to everyone. Each person has his own preferences, and moral constructs, for things we will and will not do.

For my slave, there are certain things that he needs to know are hard limits for me. Meaning they will not be done to him, by me or anyone else. He needs to be able to trust me completely in order to properly submit to me, and it helps him trust me to know that I won't cause or let anyone else cause irreparable harm to him, for example.

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RE: Why do Dommes need to have limits? - 4/10/2009 10:37:55 PM

ThatDamnedPanda

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quote:

Perhaps this will end up being an argument in semantics but oh well.

Hmmmmm.... define "semantics" in this context.

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RE: Why do Dommes need to have limits? - 4/11/2009 1:05:13 AM

LadyLupineNYC

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I also personally like challenging my own limits just as many s-types do, but, yes, mostly my limits are to prevent those I just know I will have no interest in from contacting me ('hours' of oral service? *yawn*).

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RE: Why do Dommes need to have limits? - 4/11/2009 6:15:20 AM

subsubtle

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These are all great answers, thanks.

dreamerdreaming, I particularly like yours. I also want to be in a relationship where I'm always completely obedient but, of course, I would have to trust the Domme completely. To know ahead of time which things she would never do or make me do would help that trust grow. Thanks!

This is why I like these message boards. I have a lot to learn about the way dominant women think! :)

ThatDamnedPanda, an argument in semantics means an argument over the meaning, definition, or interpretation of a word. It often goes nowhere. I was concerned that people would argue more about the definiton of "limit" itself rather than answering my real question. That was not the case, though!

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RE: Why do Dommes need to have limits? - 4/11/2009 7:31:37 AM

MaamJay

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My "limits" are generally My dealbreakers so I mention them to save time and to help determine compatability. It basically streamlines the search process. Ultimately, I think the best pairings are when D and s have very similar limits so those areas become mutual no go zones and no one has to stress about them anymore. For eg, I will never be involved in scat play and I also will not have a sub be My toilet. That's a no go zone for Me, so if that's what a sub is desiring, I am clearly not for him. If a sub feels the same then neither of Us have to worry about going there! When two people have very similar hard limits and have had the time to build up the trust and mutual knowing ... then play can be free-flowing and safewords are rarely needed, except in some unforeseeable emergency.

Also, a Domme simply saying "I choose not to go there" can be pretty frustrating. I prefer to offer a rational explanation for My choices as I want to invite the sub into My mind to observe the way I think. That brings Us closer together.

Maam Jay aka violet[A]

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RE: Why do Dommes need to have limits? - 4/11/2009 9:55:53 AM

subtlebutterfly

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I'd like to know if my prospective dominant was into cannibalism or not

..besides I think you could just as well ask the question why do submissives need to have limits. It helps you see whether you're compatible or not.

< Message edited by subtlebutterfly -- 4/11/2009 10:18:56 AM >

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RE: Why do Dommes need to have limits? - 4/11/2009 10:08:47 AM

DelilahDeb

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On this site, posting one's preferences: hard limits, hates, dislikes, & tolerates gives a sub (who bothers to read profiles!) the parameters of a potential play partner's interests, in short form. It's not perfect—I, for instance, enjoy ass play as a top, and have it as a hard limit if I'm getting sensations.

You would never push your dom/ina's limits, great. Others do, and have.

Lady Delilah Deb

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RE: Why do Dommes need to have limits? - 4/11/2009 10:14:06 AM

ShaktiSama

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I think it is a good thing for a potential partner to know that there are some things you will never do and never want to do, no matter what your orientation is. A man whose emotional and physical needs are focused on a few key fetishes should avoid getting involved with a woman who is violently repulsed by them, generally speaking; that's probably not going to be a happy or healthy relationship for either party, especially if it is an exclusive one-on-one relationship where neither partner has part of their needs met elsewhere.

I also think it is wise to let people know about various facets of your orientation, like masochism/sadism, polyamory or monogamy, the need for certain kinds of roleplay that are not everyone's cup of tea, etc..

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RE: Why do Dommes need to have limits? - 4/11/2009 12:06:08 PM

AlexandraLynch

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It's because not everyone is into everything.

For instance, seeing a man enjoy being dressed as a woman leaves me flatter than a bad pancake. Now, I understand this is a lot of guys' fetish, but...nah, leave me out. And the scenario in another thread of having him "clean"...or rather, having him prance about in costume and whine? That's very close to a Worst Scene I Can Imagine. Likewise, someone looking for a monogamous dom had better not get involved with me. Likewise, anyone conservatively minded is going to be deeply offended when my husband exits the bathroom and says, "Rush Limbaugh's gonna have enough material to share with Glenn Beck after that one!" So it's easier just to say so up front.

Then we can work from there.

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RE: Why do Dommes need to have limits? - 4/11/2009 12:33:22 PM

Lockit

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Why do domina's need to have limits? Because of submissives that try to push them. (In my experience)

I clearly state what I do not like as well as what I do and what I might experiement with... maybe. I just won't tolerate being pushed. If someone enjoys something, I want them to talk to me about it and I will tell them how I feel. If that isn't enough, I won't tolerate being enticed, joked with or hinted at. That is my major limit! lol

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RE: Why do Dommes need to have limits? - 4/11/2009 12:53:45 PM

YourhandMyAss

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exactly.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadySweetOrSour

I personally have ass play as a hard limit. When a potential sub is reading my profile, he get's the full idea that I am not one who will engage in any kind of ass play. If this is something he loves/desires, he then knows it is a waste of time contacting me.

(in reply to LadySweetOrSour)

Post #: 16

RE: Why do Dommes need to have limits? - 4/11/2009 1:11:27 PM

subsubtle

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Thanks everyone. :)

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RE: Why do Dommes need to have limits? - 4/11/2009 2:58:24 PM

Andalusite

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subsubtle, I think limits can be useful in helping to determine compatibility. However, something that comes up a lot here are activities that aren't a limit for me, but the submissive demands a particular mindset on my part (well, not necessarily me in particular, but whichever Domme they wind up with). They aren't satisfied with cross-dressing, they need to be called ridiculous things that I would never say to an actual woman, and me having fun with it isn't enough, they want me to orgasm just from seeing them wear a pair of my panties!

Just doing male-male sexual acts isn't enough, even if the Domme enjoyed it, it has to involve playrape or more verbal humiliation, and of course, it's not because he *likes* it or *wants* to do it, even though he's the one bringing it up.

He doesn't just want to do housework, he wants to do a lousy job of it, while dressed up or naked, and to have her spend the whole time watching him and punishing him, instead of being able to spend the time doing other things, then praising him for doing a good job (and possibly playing at that point). It's not the activity that's the problem, it's the mindset!

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RE: Why do Dommes need to have limits? - 4/11/2009 3:23:55 PM

RedMagic1

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quote:

ORIGINAL: subsubtle
ThatDamnedPanda, an argument in semantics means an argument over the meaning, definition, or interpretation of a word. It often goes nowhere. I was concerned that people would argue more about the definiton of "limit" itself rather than answering my real question. That was not the case, though!

Sarcasm is clearly one of your own hard limits, subsubtle.

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RE: Why do Dommes need to have limits? - 4/11/2009 4:02:05 PM

LadyPact

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I have hard limits for a variety of reasons. Most of them aren't because there is an activity that I don't enjoy. It's more that I have a moral or ethical opposition to it. For example, I have a hard limit in playing with anyone cheating on their spouse. What they do is up to them, but it's not going to involve Me.

Another reason might be My personal squick factor. Roman showers = hard limit.

Of course, add to that the ones that really are based on the fact that I just don't enjoy the kink. For Me, AB's would fall into this category.

The hard limits that I set are centered on things that I don't see changing. It's a lot easier getting involved with anyone that I don't find compatible.

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