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seeking to understand... - 4/15/2009 8:47:49 AM   
urlittleprincess


Posts: 149
Joined: 12/18/2007
Status: offline 		hello everyone...
 
i am feeling very frustrated and am trying to understand what is going on in my relationship. ive been living with my Dom/bf for almost 6 months now after 2 years of a long distance relationship.  the depth of emotional feeling and attachment has grown so much and it is a very loving relationship...for both of us.  the D/s is very light and our lives are very vanilla.  on occasion He decides to be more Domly but not consistently. (our house is more like a 50's style...i am an obedient girl so not alot of discipline/punishment needed, but because the actual D/s is so infrequent i am fairly resistent now. example, He wanted me to call Him Sir last weekend but i just couldn't)  i can live with that for now i guess. He is super affectionate with me...always wanting physical closeness...hugging, touching, kissing...cuddling...everything but sex. sex is non-existent...aside from the occasional bj. He feels guilty about that but does nothing to rectify the situation except to say He will not ask me for bjs to alleviate His feelings.
 
i brought the lack of sex up in an email yesterday and then we finally discussed it last night.  He told me that right now He isn't feeling sexually attracted to me but that His feelings have deepened on so many other levels. He says He doesn't want to lose our relationship and at this stage in His life (42yrs) sex isn't the primary force in His life. it was very difficult and painful for me to hear...why on earth would He want to be constantly physically affectionate and kissing someone He says He isn't sexually attracted to????
 
ive always known that He has some erectile issues...but i didn't realize how prevalent the issue was.  a male friend of mine suggests that He is just saying He is not sexually attracted right now just to take the pressure off Himself sexually. ive always tried to take Him at His word for His thoughts and feelings.  beleiving that He is not attracted to me sexually is completely damaging the way i look at Him...me...us.  
 
we finally talked about it last night after seeing a million viagra commercials on tv.  i made supportive comments while watching the commercials because i want Him to know that i would be supportive of Him if this is indeed the issue.  the causes of ED had been listed and He admitted that all of those are a factor for Him...and that He starts with a hard erection but then goes soft even when masturbating.  i told Him that ive heard it happens to most men at some point in their lives and they shouldn't stress over it...He kind of huffed and told me that i am a woman and therefore cannot understand.  He told me that as a woman all my 'stuff' is inside and is just there but for a man, if it doesn't stand up and work, well nothing is happening...then He threw His hands up and seemed frustrated. He tried to equate it to a woman losing a breast and her feeling of feminity...so i assume He feels emasculated when it doesn't work.  He didn't want to talk about it anymore and we kind of left it there. i didn't want to pressure it.
 
so...He wants all the love, cudding, snuggling, hand holding, kissing, naked bodies close together in bed...despite saying He is just not sexually attracted to me at this time....if i were not attracted to someone i wouldn't want to be that close to them....so...im questioning whether He is lying about the lack of attraction or if He is being truthful but is content with what we have...
 
if i know this is a situation that can change with some time and understanding, i will stay till the end of the earth...but if i am destined to live in an affectionate but sexually lacking life (like when i was married) then i have to move on...He fills my soul in many ways, but it hurts to think that He is not sexually attracted to me.
 
that is my question.  why on earth would he want all the physical closeness of kissing, and constant touching...if he says he is not sexually attracted at this time? is He covering His true feelings about His ED?  is there hope for this to change? i just do not understand...please do not suggest talking to Him...we are openly talking but i need some feedback from others who may have experienced ED or this kind of situation...and i have thought/worried about an affair and have openly spoken with Him about it and know that it isn't happening...so...insight?

< Message edited by urlittleprincess -- 4/15/2009 8:50:17 AM >
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RE: seeking to understand... - 4/15/2009 8:58:30 AM   
NihilusZero


Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: urlittleprincess

 is He covering His true feelings about His ED?

That appears to be clearly evident. Nothing seems likely to change until he overcomes the self-victimization aspect of dealing with this issue long enough to explore the options available to deal with it.


_____________________________

"I know it's all a game
I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame."
~Siouxsie & the Banshees

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RE: seeking to understand... - 4/15/2009 9:19:17 AM   
Mikalsheart


Posts: 54
Joined: 3/20/2009
From: kentucky
Status: offline 		Has He seen a Dr. about the ED? There are many causes...Master lost His interest for a while due to His blood pressure meds....change of the meds...and He was ummmmm back "up to normal".

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RE: seeking to understand... - 4/15/2009 9:20:12 AM   
IrishMist


Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: NihilusZero

quote:

ORIGINAL: urlittleprincess

 is He covering His true feelings about His ED?

That appears to be clearly evident. Nothing seems likely to change until he overcomes the self-victimization aspect of dealing with this issue long enough to explore the options available to deal with it.


Nothing else needs to be said.

_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.


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RE: seeking to understand... - 4/15/2009 9:20:47 AM   
urlittleprincess


Posts: 149
Joined: 12/18/2007
Status: offline 		thank you for the replies to my posting...my gut tells me that this is the issue...but it is gnawing at my sense of self image and esteem...ive always viewed myself as a sexual creature and knowing or thinking my partner doesn't view me this way kills me...i need validation just as anyone does...how can i help Him? i know i cannot change Him and can only change myself...should i be focusing on myself for a while? if nothing changes, nothing changes so perhaps the one who needs changing is me? change my focus and perhaps He will change His?

< Message edited by urlittleprincess -- 4/15/2009 9:27:30 AM >

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RE: seeking to understand... - 4/15/2009 9:24:59 AM   
antipode


Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline
quote:

i need some feedback from others who may have experienced ED or this kind of situation


You don't. You're playing doctor, you're getting a bunch of what you think are symptoms together, and hanging it on ED, which is exactly what the ads want you to do.

If he thinks it is a problem, he needs to go see a doctor. If he doesn't think it is a problem, or if he thinks it is not his problem, you migght want to start looking for someone who "fulfills" you a bit more. Or, something that may have an effect on his clearly uninterested brain, suggest you should find someone outside the relationship for sex. He isn't willing to work with you on your needs, and from what you say that isn't going to change. If he has as much as admitted that he isn't sexually attracted to you, that's what it is. You don't need to go looking for needles in haystacks, as you have your answer already, and from there you need to decide what you are going to do.

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RE: seeking to understand... - 4/15/2009 9:35:35 AM   
subangi


Posts: 544
Joined: 5/11/2008
Status: offline 		The affection he shows is a deep attraction...it is those behaviors that many woman crave and dont receive.  Think about how lucky you are in the aspect.
Not being a man, but, through experience, a mans penis and how it performs is right there in the hierarchy of needs next to the need for oxygen, food, etc.  Maybe he, in his mind is feeling like less of a man. 
If you have talked to death about it, not much you can do, except for continued support and a damn good vibrator.  I do feel for you.

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RE: seeking to understand... - 4/15/2009 9:36:32 AM   
urlittleprincess


Posts: 149
Joined: 12/18/2007
Status: offline 		i
quote:

ORIGINAL: antipode

quote:

i need some feedback from others who may have experienced ED or this kind of situation


You don't. You're playing doctor, you're getting a bunch of what you think are symptoms together, and hanging it on ED, which is exactly what the ads want you to do.

If he thinks it is a problem, he needs to go see a doctor. If he doesn't think it is a problem, or if he thinks it is not his problem, you migght want to start looking for someone who "fulfills" you a bit more. Or, something that may have an effect on his clearly uninterested brain, suggest you should find someone outside the relationship for sex. He isn't willing to work with you on your needs, and from what you say that isn't going to change. If he has as much as admitted that he isn't sexually attracted to you, that's what it is. You don't need to go looking for needles in haystacks, as you have your answer already, and from there you need to decide what you are going to do.



yes, He has admitted He isn't sexually attracted right now but says He is more vested in the emotions of our relationship and doesnt want to lose it.  He also admits that ED is an issue. finding a sexual partner outside our relationship is not an option...He wouldn't allow it and it just isn't me. we are monogamous to i guess what amounts to a celibate relationship. 
 
ive faced the realities you suggest as hard truths but take most speakers/replies with a grain of salt. in your profile you basically say you dont do love, and we do...so obviously you come from a way different perspective.

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RE: seeking to understand... - 4/15/2009 9:39:29 AM   
urlittleprincess


Posts: 149
Joined: 12/18/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Mikalsheart

Has He seen a Dr. about the ED? There are many causes...Master lost His interest for a while due to His blood pressure meds....change of the meds...and He was ummmmm back "up to normal".


im glad for your change in situation!!  ;)   He doesnt go to traditional docs often...which is a problem in its self...He went to a doc a few years ago and did get viagra...but almost seems content to leave the problem alone.  He admits He has ED but doesn't want to fix it...i dont get it...

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RE: seeking to understand... - 4/15/2009 9:41:00 AM   
IrishMist


Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline 		Hmm lol, going to ask a question here.

You said that you give him the occassional BJ...does he return the favor?

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RE: seeking to understand... - 4/15/2009 9:41:32 AM   
IronBear


Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline 		As a sufferer of ED (Erectile Dysfunction) AKA FDS (Floppy Dick Syndrome) due to T2 Diabetes causing loss of normal circulation, and having been part of several forums and study groups regarding this infliction, I can say that if ED is caused by a psychological problem, then there is excellent hope because physically they are capable of achieving an erection and certainly they can be prescribed (cheaper) any of the medications designed to achieve and hold an erection. Those who have a lack of adequate circulation, there are less options for the medical fraternity. However many Diabetics suffering from ED have agree that they often get a partial erection and this disability does not cause their libido to disappear which can and does cause a great deal of frustration and the feeling of worthlessness which in turn can be the cause of chronic depression which can cause a temporary loss of libido. If your Master can be coaxed to talk about this openly with you and if you are able to convince him that firstly this is not the be all and end all and that there are ways you can help relieving him, you just may be on the way to resolving your problems you post here.

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

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RE: seeking to understand... - 4/15/2009 9:45:50 AM   
urlittleprincess


Posts: 149
Joined: 12/18/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: subangi

The affection he shows is a deep attraction...it is those behaviors that many woman crave and dont receive.  Think about how lucky you are in the aspect.
Not being a man, but, through experience, a mans penis and how it performs is right there in the hierarchy of needs next to the need for oxygen, food, etc.  Maybe he, in his mind is feeling like less of a man. 
If you have talked to death about it, not much you can do, except for continued support and a damn good vibrator.  I do feel for you.


thank you for that!!  seriously...you are very right about how lucky i am to receive those affections all the time! its easy to forget when so focused on the lack of sex. 
 
through that conversation we had last night He equated His feelings about His ED to those a woman might feel when losing a breast...powerful.  if i lost my sexuality i would die!! hadnt thought of Maslow's Heirarchy of Needs but put in that context makes alot of sense...i guess He doesnt need further pressure...but it is still an issue...thanks again :)

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RE: seeking to understand... - 4/15/2009 9:55:56 AM   
urlittleprincess


Posts: 149
Joined: 12/18/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: IronBear

As a sufferer of ED (Erectile Dysfunction) AKA FDS (Floppy Dick Syndrome) due to T2 Diabetes causing loss of normal circulation, and having been part of several forums and study groups regarding this infliction, I can say that if ED is caused by a psychological problem, then there is excellent hope because physically they are capable of achieving an erection and certainly they can be prescribed (cheaper) any of the medications designed to achieve and hold an erection. Those who have a lack of adequate circulation, there are less options for the medical fraternity. However many Diabetics suffering from ED have agree that they often get a partial erection and this disability does not cause their libido to disappear which can and does cause a great deal of frustration and the feeling of worthlessness which in turn can be the cause of chronic depression which can cause a temporary loss of libido. If your Master can be coaxed to talk about this openly with you and if you are able to convince him that firstly this is not the be all and end all and that there are ways you can help relieving him, you just may be on the way to resolving your problems you post here.


thankyou sincerely for this explanation. He does not have diabetes that He knows of, but ED has been an issue now and in the past for Him, as well as circulation issues in His ankles.  He has put on quite a bit of weight in the last few years (starting prior to our relationship) and while He knows it is unhealthy He really does little to help it.  He is a couch potato who talks about working out, but little else.  depressed perhaps.  so, having some physical issues, alot of issues at work which He feels powerless to change and of course knowing that things are not satisfactory in our sex life...and ED on top of it all.  we are talking openly but He has a low tolerance for addressing what He feels are His shortcomings. He will talk for awhile but then gets agitated. i dont want to push it to the point where He doesn't want to communicate so am trying to be patient but it is hard. thankyou again for your explanation. 

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RE: seeking to understand... - 4/15/2009 9:56:37 AM   
Emperor1956


Posts: 2370
Joined: 11/7/2005
Status: offline 		FR:  You both need to seek outside, professional guidance.  Getting answers here is at best useless, and possibly damaging.

The initial rush of posts that it is all about his ED is hogwash.  It could be.  It also could be that his penis is irrelevant to what is going on.  I note that you had an active D/s long distance relationship, and now that you are 24/7 the "Domination" has paled.  This doesn't suggest to you that he might have issues about maintaining the Dom role full time?  And perhaps issues about dominating a person who he's also grown to love?  I'd suggest he see an internist or a urologist, and that you both seek couples counselling.  Good luck.

E.

_____________________________

"When you wake up, Pooh," said Piglet, "what's the first thing you say?"
"What's for breakfast? What do you say, Piglet?"
"I say, I wonder what's going to happen exciting today?"
Pooh nodded thoughtfully.
"It's the same thing," he said.

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RE: seeking to understand... - 4/15/2009 9:57:49 AM   
urlittleprincess


Posts: 149
Joined: 12/18/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: IrishMist

Hmm lol, going to ask a question here.

You said that you give him the occassional BJ...does he return the favor?


no...and that doesn't bother me in the least because it is not my favorite thing...makes me feel very uncomfortable actually...im starting to think i am the best lover i have ever had or ever will have...no hands or batteried required!!! LOL

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RE: seeking to understand... - 4/15/2009 10:02:28 AM   
NihilusZero


Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: urlittleprincess

thank you for the replies to my posting...my gut tells me that this is the issue...but it is gnawing at my sense of self image and esteem...ive always viewed myself as a sexual creature and knowing or thinking my partner doesn't view me this way kills me...i need validation just as anyone does...how can i help Him? i know i cannot change Him and can only change myself...should i be focusing on myself for a while? if nothing changes, nothing changes so perhaps the one who needs changing is me? change my focus and perhaps He will change His?

Tough. Your need for sexual reassurance via his arousal is clashing directly with his inability to give it to you and, consequently, his worry about that very fact.

I'd want to say that it would be a good first step to figure out if you can't temporarily shift what satisfies your insecurities with something other than physical reactions (words, gifts...) long enough for it to take some of the possible pressure off for him...but I don't know if that would make him more comfortable not doing anything (thinking he can just get away with not having to address the issue) or if it would actually work (coupled with clear communication that you need a sexual life to your relationship) to motivate him to see if his issue isn't something can can be remedied.

At very least, I think you should figure out what your plan of action would be in either scenario and plan for the worst and hope for the best.


_____________________________

"I know it's all a game
I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame."
~Siouxsie & the Banshees

NihilusZero.com

CM Sex God du Jour
CM Hall Monitor

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RE: seeking to understand... - 4/15/2009 10:11:50 AM   
urlittleprincess


Posts: 149
Joined: 12/18/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Emperor1956

FR:  You both need to seek outside, professional guidance.  Getting answers here is at best useless, and possibly damaging.

The initial rush of posts that it is all about his ED is hogwash.  It could be.  It also could be that his penis is irrelevant to what is going on.  I note that you had an active D/s long distance relationship, and now that you are 24/7 the "Domination" has paled.  This doesn't suggest to you that he might have issues about maintaining the Dom role full time?  And perhaps issues about dominating a person who he's also grown to love?  I'd suggest he see an internist or a urologist, and that you both seek couples counselling.  Good luck.

E.


yes, it could be about ED...and perhaps i am pinning my hopes on that!  i have indeed thought about the D/s and lack of D/s since moving to be with Him. the dynamic started to wane when the relationship deepened even prior to me moving in.  when i was 'just' His sub, He felt more free to be the Dom...play etc...but as i became as much His girlfriend as anything else, He became far more vanilla. i know He loves me...all the affection He shares, you should see the way He looks at me sometimes.  i think at times He worried i might miss home too much and leave Him...i think at times we both have one foot in and one foot out of the relationship and avoiding sex is a way to create an intimacy barrier...
 
you are probably right...to see a doctor is a must...and counseling is a good idea.  im not adverse to the idea since i am a counselor myself, but it is impossible to diagnose a situation when smack dab in the middle...lol  besides, where do you find lifestyle friendly counselors? i do beleive the dynamic we have is part and parcel of our issues...thank you for your suggestions...   

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RE: seeking to understand... - 4/15/2009 10:13:09 AM   
peppermint


Posts: 5169
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
Status: offline 		You can not help someone who does not wish help.  He has already told you that you can't possibly understand his situation and apparently he is unwilling and unable to seek medical advice.  You already know logically that the lack of sex has nothing to do with you or your attractiveness to him, so it's time to stop stressing on that.  Now you need to accept that emotionally.  He cuddles and caresses you because he hopes that some miracle will happen and all will be okay with him. 


My husband had ED.   At my age (58) all of the men I've been with in recent years all have some problems with ED.  The men do not even have to be on high blood pressure med or have diabetes to have at least some problems.  Sad as it may be, ED seems to be part of aging for many men.  When I have talked about this with friends, it seems that most noticed ED, at least on occasion when their husbands are in their 40s.  Some couples get to the point where they are sexual without any penetration.  Men can orgasm without erection and there are many ways for a woman to achieve orgasm.  Of course, this way of dealing requires the acceptance and cooperation of both the male and female. 

Good luck in whatever you decided to do. 




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RE: seeking to understand... - 4/15/2009 10:21:06 AM   
urlittleprincess


Posts: 149
Joined: 12/18/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NihilusZero

Tough. Your need for sexual reassurance via his arousal is clashing directly with his inability to give it to you and, consequently, his worry about that very fact.

I'd want to say that it would be a good first step to figure out if you can't temporarily shift what satisfies your insecurities with something other than physical reactions (words, gifts...) long enough for it to take some of the possible pressure off for him...but I don't know if that would make him more comfortable not doing anything (thinking he can just get away with not having to address the issue) or if it would actually work (coupled with clear communication that you need a sexual life to your relationship) to motivate him to see if his issue isn't something can can be remedied.

At very least, I think you should figure out what your plan of action would be in either scenario and plan for the worst and hope for the best.



in other words, my focus on the want/need for sexual reassurance is making things worse?? 
 
i know He feels guilty, and i do my best to focus on other things.  i soak up all the love and physical affection and return it as well...use porn and my imagination to placate the sexual cravings to the highest degree, but feel quite lonely in that.  i dont want Him to feel pressured and i am sure He knows how i want a healthy sex life...even if it was only occasional i could handle that. i want to work with Him and i suppose He has taken the first step in admitting He is having issues with ED...but this whole thread has started me thinking about other issues that may be in play as well...the D/s dynamic between us, how it has changed, etc. lots of thinking...and talking to do...
 
perhaps its as simple as me acting more like a housewife aka mom than his doting sub/slut...i dont know.
 
   

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RE: seeking to understand... - 4/15/2009 10:29:57 AM   
urlittleprincess


Posts: 149
Joined: 12/18/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: peppermint
You can not help someone who does not wish help.  He has already told you that you can't possibly understand his situation and apparently he is unwilling and unable to seek medical advice.  You already know logically that the lack of sex has nothing to do with you or your attractiveness to him, so it's time to stop stressing on that.  Now you need to accept that emotionally.  He cuddles and caresses you because he hopes that some miracle will happen and all will be okay with him. 

My husband had ED.   At my age (58) all of the men I've been with in recent years all have some problems with ED.  The men do not even have to be on high blood pressure med or have diabetes to have at least some problems.  Sad as it may be, ED seems to be part of aging for many men.  When I have talked about this with friends, it seems that most noticed ED, at least on occasion when their husbands are in their 40s.  Some couples get to the point where they are sexual without any penetration.  Men can orgasm without erection and there are many ways for a woman to achieve orgasm.  Of course, this way of dealing requires the acceptance and cooperation of both the male and female. 

Good luck in whatever you decided to do. 


im so glad for different perspectives and thank you for sharing yours...i guess for me that 'is' the problem.  He told me that He is not currently sexually attracted to me, so i do see that as the issue. He admitted to the ED 'after' telling me that though, so im sure it is alot more involved than just not feeling sexually attracted.  i was having trouble understanding why He would want to be so close physically if not feeling attracted...but yes, it is an attraction of sorts i guess.  and maybe you are right that He does hope things will be ok...He said as much last night.  im just feeling my own sense of loss right now...and i know He is feeling His. it must be worse for Him though because before fully understanding the depth of the issue...and i still dont...i was thinking it was simply His lack of sexual attraction..i did say to Him i might leave Him to go home. i guess that was reinforcing the negative aspect of things...He doesn't want me to leave...neither do i...but i dont want to live in a relationship where i am not desired except as a companion...homemaker...i want a full couple relationship...with Him preferably. He is having issues and so am i...   
 

< Message edited by urlittleprincess -- 4/15/2009 10:34:26 AM >

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