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RE: Relationship Destruction??? - 4/21/2009 4:02:00 PM   
CallaFirestormBW


Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline 		For me, the failed relationships I've participated in all came about because of essential lack of honesty. In some cases, it was because the other person either was unable to be honest -- not only with me, but also with themselves. In at least two cases, it was because -I- lied to myself (and to others by default), did not know myself well enough to make good decisions about what I could and could not agree to, and did not trust my own instincts sufficiently to be honest with -myself- about why and how I was entering into the relationship. I don't know if it really qualifies as a 'lie' if you don't KNOW you can't handle a certain thing, but if you suspect and don't say anything (which, to be fair, I did), then, to me, that's being dishonest -- even more so if you're telling YOURSELF that it's going to be fine.... really.... honest... it will all work out...

I think that, no matter how good one's intentions are, if there is a failure of honesty on anyone's part, the relationship is destined for trouble. For myself, in all cases, the ending of the relationship came about when the essential misinformation on which the relationship was built was exposed for its true nature. In the two cases where I had allowed a relationship to be built on my own self-delusion, once I realized why the relationship wasn't working, I exposed the misapprehensions on which I'd started the relationship, and moved on to end those relationships and encourage the other(s) I was involved with to find relationships that would actually -meet- the expectations they'd thought (and I thought) they would be able to meet with me.

In any case, no experience is a "failure" if you learn from it -- and I've learned a great deal over the years, and, fortunately, haven't made -exactly- the same mistake twice. *chuckles*

< Message edited by CallaFirestormBW -- 4/21/2009 4:05:37 PM >

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RE: Relationship Destruction??? - 4/21/2009 4:12:30 PM   
subangi


Posts: 544
Joined: 5/11/2008
Status: offline 		Lack of appropriate communication on both parts is what snowballed into disaster in every aspect of life.
I am happy being me, whether it is with someone or not.

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RE: Relationship Destruction??? - 4/21/2009 4:30:47 PM   
SailingBum


Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline 		It's never just one reason.  More like 5 to 20 little reasons that add up to DumpTheBitchAlready

BadOne


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RE: Relationship Destruction??? - 4/21/2009 4:34:28 PM   
InTonguesslave


Posts: 342
Joined: 2/6/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SailingBum

It's never just one reason.  More like 5 to 20 little reasons that add up to DumpTheBitchAlready

BadOne



oh god i love you !!!!!!!!!!!!

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RE: Relationship Destruction??? - 4/21/2009 4:38:37 PM   
Knite064


Posts: 169
Joined: 1/21/2009
Status: offline 		Most important lifestyle relationship to me finished because of distance and we were both unable to move to the other because she could nt  move her son of ten years old to my area which i agreed with from the point of view of him needing to be close to both his mother and father and disturbing his stability, i could nt move to her because it would mean leaving my eleven year old daughter, only meeting every few weeks caused us both to become unhappy (after we split she told me that the very fact i could nt move to her because i could nt be parted from my daughter was something she valued in anyone she would call Master....how wonderfully ironic we found this point as i admired her for the same reason and the very reason we seperated....( shes recently re married outwith the lifestyle and it gives me a great sense of peace to know shes happy)so a missed opportunity but no regrets.



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RE: Relationship Destruction??? - 4/21/2009 4:38:44 PM   
SailingBum


Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline 		Oh yea lally... cmere and say dat... smirkle

BadOne


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RE: Relationship Destruction??? - 4/21/2009 5:55:31 PM   
kallisto


Posts: 1185
Status: offline 		I certainly can't say my last relationship was a failure.   It ended, yes, but because he relocated and it was not the time for me to pick up my family and go with him.   Right choice or not, he respected my feelings and to this day, we are friends and he checks in on me from time to  time.   

The relationship before that.  I was on a one way road to hell and I decided to take a detour and get off that road.  I will take responsibility in that I jumped in with both feet thinking I could be the sub he wanted.   But I couldn't.   It goes back to what another poster said about being honest with yourself.   When I realized I had to be honest with myself to be honest with him, I knew the relationship was going nowhere but downhill.  We parted on neutral terms, I guess is the best way I can describe it.  

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RE: Relationship Destruction??? - 4/21/2009 6:58:11 PM   
LovingMistress45


Posts: 271
Joined: 2/7/2009
Status: offline 		hmmmmm......mostly that I like LH I believed people were telling me the truth.  The other reason being I am really good at picking lying cheaters. 

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RE: Relationship Destruction??? - 4/21/2009 7:18:33 PM   
NihilusZero


Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

I move slowly, too slowly for most people.

That's funny...I'm exactly the opposite. Seems to put people off balance.

Also, realizing that even having a honorable history of integrity and honesty doesn't make you immune from hefty blunders helped along by not being sufficiently self-attentive.


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RE: Relationship Destruction??? - 4/21/2009 7:40:09 PM   
littlebitxxx


Posts: 732
Status: offline 		There are a few here a girl can identify with.  But all relationships are lessons learned....sometimes even if it's only to know what we don't want.

saforaRM 

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RE: Relationship Destruction??? - 4/21/2009 8:25:31 PM   
Antheia


Posts: 66
Joined: 2/11/2009
Status: offline 		I go along with this. The lack of communication on both of our parts was the beginning of the end of the relationship I had with my former Owner.  Then because of this lack we each felt the other had lost interest. What we had began to fade. He lost his control over me and I stopped feeling that control. By then it was just staying together for the sake of staying together , not because our paths were going the same way anymore.
A


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RE: Relationship Destruction??? - 4/21/2009 11:27:03 PM   
breatheasone


Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline 		This is an excellent question.... i would have to say the bare bones answer would be bad communication(almost always)

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RE: Relationship Destruction??? - 4/22/2009 12:06:50 AM   
SlaveBlutarsky


Posts: 491
Joined: 10/10/2005
From: Upstate, NY
Status: offline 		My two D/s relationships failed because I tried to have them with vanilla women. 

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RE: Relationship Destruction??? - 4/22/2009 2:45:54 AM   
CelticPrince


Posts: 3613
Joined: 4/15/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kuriouswitch

My first D/s relationship failed mostly because of lack of communication on both of our parts. And me thinking that if i just sat back and was a "good quiet" sub then things would iron themselves out. He wasn't much of a talker so i never really knew what was going on in his head or why he did or said some of the things he did which left me confused or lost at times. we're still friends but we aren't compatible as a "couple"


kurious,

Indeed, that little item of communication has been at the root of many problems. Thanks for your input.

CP

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RE: Relationship Destruction??? - 4/22/2009 3:00:07 AM   
crumbledwater


Posts: 27
Joined: 2/16/2009
Status: offline 		I'd put mine down to misplaced trust and taking people at face value.

I've learned that just because I'm open and honest it doesn't mean that everyone else is. So long as I keep learning then my mistakes aren't always a waste of time or effort.

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RE: Relationship Destruction??? - 4/22/2009 3:21:55 AM   
CelticPrince


Posts: 3613
Joined: 4/15/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: InTonguesslave

well, i spose the most recent time was because i knew that i was being lied to and manipulated.

the oddest part was that i couldnt pull away, even though i knew it to be the case.  it was all a bit murky and hard to prove or pin down.  no specifics, just a gut feeling and a couple of stupid little things that niggled and nagged.

there are so many grey (please is it grey or gray, ive never been able to get that to sink in) areas.  youre dominant expects submission to be absolute, to trust and respect his decisions and not to question his final word on the matter.  so you dont. 

lesson learnt:  always trust youre gut and never youre heart in matters pertaining to submission.


lally,

well manipulation will always be part of the equation from both sides of the slash, but of course the lack of honesty can kill the thing faster than anything; and it has all too often. Slips ya a Websters!

CP 

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RE: Relationship Destruction??? - 4/22/2009 3:26:08 AM   
CelticPrince


Posts: 3613
Joined: 4/15/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

I can safely say that all my past relationships other than one, failed due to the other party cheating and lying.

That's not to say that I don't put blame on myself as well. We all have a responsibiility for every part of our lives.



littlewonder,

What do you suppose brings up the cheating thing? Lying [ white ones] will always exist but I do ponder how to get rid of the serios one. perhaps a frank discussion right up front??

CP

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RE: Relationship Destruction??? - 4/22/2009 3:28:35 AM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CelticPrince

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

I can safely say that all my past relationships other than one, failed due to the other party cheating and lying.

That's not to say that I don't put blame on myself as well. We all have a responsibiility for every part of our lives.



littlewonder,

What do you suppose brings up the cheating thing? Lying [ white ones] will always exist but I do ponder how to get rid of the serios one. perhaps a frank discussion right up front??

CP


My discussions are always right up front and frank right from the very beginning. It doesn't stop the wandering heart...or eerrmm...other body part of the men I've been with though. <shrug>


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RE: Relationship Destruction??? - 4/22/2009 3:31:24 AM   
CelticPrince


Posts: 3613
Joined: 4/15/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: stella41b

A difference in the conceptualization of key terms, such as 'friendship', 'love', 'honesty', 'always', 'forever', 'I'm here for you..', 'I'll always be there for you', 'you can count on me', etc etc etc.



stella
sometimes those words are spoken with sincereity with a given or perceived set of facts. However deception will always be a killer. thanks for your thoughts.

CP

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RE: Relationship Destruction??? - 4/22/2009 3:35:58 AM   
CelticPrince


Posts: 3613
Joined: 4/15/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lizi

The first failure was because the Dom was lazy. Wanted all kind of things from me and wasn't willing to put out much on his end. Because I believed in his all knowingness (and he kept telling me he was indeed all knowing, i know-  how stupid of me to believe him) I hung in there for a lot longer than I should have.

The second turned out to be incredibly self centered to the point where I felt like a possession and not a valued one at that. He also couldn't be bothered past a certain point to put anything into the relationship.

lizi,

This path we all walk is strewn with rocks and as we proceed we do learn to avoid the sharp one just by recognition. thanks for sharing.

CP

I don't want to sound bitter or not take responsibility for my part because there's always another side to every story. Maybe I did not inspire these men to put in more. I'll never know. I have met someone now who matches me incredibly well and I hope things with him last. If they don't I've at least learned what to look for.

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Profile   Post #: 40
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