RE: ~~I'm Single & You're Single, Lets be Single together!!~~

RE: ~~I'm Single & You're Single, Lets be Single together!!~~ (Full Version)

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IrishMist -> RE: ~~I'm Single & You're Single, Lets be Single together!!~~ (4/22/2009 4:53:29 PM)
I'll use myself as my own example [:)] I am a very picky person. I have not been in a relationship since my husband passed away. OH...think on that one now...it's going on 11 years. Not because I can't be with someone else; not because I loved him so much that I can't give to anyone else. Simply because...I am very picky about who I want, who I need, and who I will not settle for. For instance; I like tall men. I would not, and have never even looked at a man who is shorter than me as a prospective partner. I am 5'11; I want a man who is taller than me by at least 4 inches. That narrows the pool down considerably. I like 'rough' men. Both inside and out. I don't want a man who will cave into my wishes simply because I whine or complain. I don't want a man who walks away from confrontation. Once again, that narrows things down considerably. I like pain. ALOT of pain. I like the feel of a fist in my face, a boot in my rib...in 11 years, I have yet to ever meet another man who is willing, able, and HAPPY to do that for me. I like knives. I like guns. I like the feeling of fear that comes from looking down the barrel of a cocked gun...I like the feel of steel against my neck. How many men are confident enough in themselves to be able to pull that off? On the flip side though...I don't like BDSM activities. I don't like being bound. I don't like floggers, paddles, whips, handcuffs, toys.... I am very picky. I refuse to settle for less than what I want. I know it's pretty much impossible to find a person who could possibly fit what I am looking for; I am content with that. I don't NEED a partner in my life to be complete. If one comes along, I'll know him when I see him; if one doesn't, then I am still content with my life. I have everything that I need. I may want more, but I have what I need. I have turned away men from this site and from other places that we have met for the simple reason that I know that they could never give me what I need and want in a relationship. What I need and want is pretty rare; I will not settle for less.

DemonKia -> RE: ~~I'm Single & You're Single, Lets be Single together!!~~ (4/22/2009 5:10:07 PM)
Some of the other posters kinda touched on this, but here's a part of my emerging thinking as I grow along my path: On my good days I figure that I'm a one-in-a-million dating-&-mating taste, with an expected pool of potentially suitable candidates somewhere on the order of 6,700 persons, globally. Hehehe . . . . On my bad days I figure I'm a one-in-a-trillion taste & it ain't this lifetime . . . .. It took me plenty of years & fumbling to start to understand this framework, & as it clicked in, that understanding really helped calm me down about this whole BDSM dating thing, lol. & exploring my kink-self helped me to formulate that notion . . . . . (The evolving learning curve of self, mmmm, love that . . . . . ) In general, I live at a leisurely pace. Cuz I like it, mostly. I'm in no big freakin' hurry to do much of anything, mostly . . . . . & selecting a partner to engage in potential life- & / or heart-risking activities? Yeah, take my frickin' time with that, thanks . . . . But I've always been super cautious, & risk doesn't work my crotch the way it does others', part of my perve is that I need to 'feel safe' -- ha ha ha, indeed . .. .. .. & I've tried being the hare, I make a much better tortoise . .. . . As a tortoise-leaning type, there's plenty of opportunity to try out the quickie ways of the hare-types, I find . . . . . Oh, & I fall into that category of finding success in every romantic-sexual relationship that I've been in (BDSM ones included). At one point in one of my more recent relationships I went to my therapist about stuff going on in the relationship. I bitched & kvetched & whined & so on for the 40 or so minutes, & then I asked what she thought. She calmly said, "It sounds like a relationship." That helped a lot, mellowed me some about the 'reality' of what 'relationship' is or should be or what have you . .. . . I've also been thinking about the following concept a lot over the last year or so: Relationship = Compromise --> A bunch of you may get all knicker-twisted over that, & I'm not stating it as some universal law, just offering it as contemplation material . . . . . . In my case, I find it very useful. I have a powerful imagination & spend a lot of (very productive) time (thank you!) engaging in fantasy & revery & day-dreaming & wool-gathering & so on, & for me there is a balance line between fantasy & reality that I negotiate on a daily, hourly, even moment-to-moment basis, but then I'm a fictionalist & it's part of the job descrip . . .. . Anyways. Because of that imaginative space I inhabit so much, everything is compromise to me. Goldurnit, I wanna live in the frickin' future, being trapped in this timeline is a huge compromise with barbarity, but then I'm a bitch that way . . . . So. All relationship for me is compromise, but I don't mind compromise. Compromise, like conflict, just is, it happens & must be negotiated . . .. . Steel, I think another chunk of what's gettin' discussed here is 'goal oriented' versus 'process oriented' . . . . . The older I get the less goal-oriented I am & the more interested I am in just enjoying the journey . . . . . . & for me that is contextualized against a culture (human? Western? US? whatever) that's rather more obsessed with achieving simple, clear-cut goals as quickly as possible . . . . . & I tend to think that all the various tensions, contradictions, trends, issues, & etc observed by the many posters to these various threads stew in all of us in varying portions, & express differently in each amalgam, with only the most general of patterns discernible . .. . . (But that's mostly in here cuz I like to listen to how pretty I write . . . . .. [;)] ) Okay. Enough blah blah from me for the moment. Interesting threads, I've been much informed by the discussions that have been raised.

Snake -> RE: ~~I'm Single & You're Single, Lets be Single together!!~~ (4/22/2009 5:12:14 PM)
Ahhhhhhhhhh Irish now I thought I mean more then that to ya

CallaFirestormBW -> RE: ~~I'm Single & You're Single, Lets be Single together!!~~ (4/22/2009 6:33:18 PM)
quote: Why do you think with so many people looking there are still so many people looking? Because what people are often looking for is a -fantasy-. They made it up in their minds, and when when something doesn't match the ideal created in the mind, suddenly it just isn't worth the effort. That's why, for so many people, once they're happily ensconced in a relationship they reveal that "It was after I -stopped- looking that I found Mr/Ms Perfection".

LadyPact -> RE: ~~I'm Single & You're Single, Lets be Single together!!~~ (4/22/2009 6:40:08 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah There are Dominants who go through this two, where it seems they intentionally set up overly complicated relationships with every submissive they meet and when it all comes crashing down they either get all cocky or all melancholy about the hows and whys and spend months lamenting about it. The Poly Folk with the what is and what isn’t and the fact that there are so many of US (Yes Us cause I am one of this type) who are couples looking for a Poly Third because for some reason most poly women want to be in a poly relationship only if they came first and refuse to be second and if they do go in expecting a problem which usually guarantees that there eventually will be one. I mean with all this Dramatic Bullshit it is amazing anyone ever meets anyone on these kinds of things. So what is your understanding of this paradigm? Why do you think with so many people looking there are still so many people looking? Steel Knock it off, Steel. You're making My head hurt. (Teasing only, Dear. You know I love your posts.) To be perfectly honest with you, My answer is quite similar to that given by RavenMuse right off the bat. I know that in My case the pool really is so small that it might not even exist. You don't hear Dominant women say that every day, but I can assure you that in My case, it happens to be true. What you said about people not wanting to be in a poly family unless they are first is absolutely true. I've got that twice beat by the fact that I'm already married and already have a sub. Add to that the sadism. While it's true that I already have a masochist, I want another one. They wouldn't necessarily have to play at My level starting out, but I'd like them to have the potential of getting there. Since I'm on the subject, you have to add in that I'm not giving up playing with others, either. Expect to be in the community so I can meet said others. Oh, yeah, did I mention the protocol thing? All of that is out there before I even get to the looks, age, location, sense of humor, intelligence level, etc, etc, etc. The size of My pool could probably come out of an eyedropper.

catize -> RE: ~~I'm Single & You're Single, Lets be Single together!!~~ (4/22/2009 7:54:13 PM)
quote: Why do you think with so many people looking there are still so many people looking? For your amusement, I could write a book of epic length about the bad ‘dates’ I’ve had. The initial common interests were outweighed, or should I say obliterated, by behaviors or quirks or lack of personality. There either wasn’t a strong enough connection to agree to a second date or I simply fled the scene. So, he says he is a sadistic dominant, he’s the right height and not bad looking. He lives close enough; he comes across well on IM and sounds great on the phone. Then you meet real time. You meet for dinner but he forgot to mention he doesn’t have any teeth; or his shirt looks like he pulled it out of the hamper, or you’re sitting in the park and he pulls his cock out of his pants; or he monopolizes the conversation until your eyes cross in boredom. or he asks you questions but provides his own answers; or you show an interest in his thoughts and he answers briefly but returns to his main agenda over and over: sex! Now! Tonight! Or he talks about how many strippers he has dated, or he bums your cigarettes, or tells you that he likes ‘his’ women to be bustier than you but he’ll manage. Or he tells you a racist/sexist/gay-bashing joke, and then he acts offended that you are affronted. And you are uncomfortable, not to mention pissed, because he’s not really listening and you know it wouldn’t matter who was sitting there, you could be, as the OP described it “THE DOG FACED GIRL” but this ‘dominant’ is basically begging you to fuck him. I am not making any of this up! quote: I mean with all this Dramatic Bullshit it is amazing anyone ever meets anyone on these kinds of things. So what is your understanding of this paradigm? I would describe the pool as too wide and shallow sometimes; too many people can claim to be whatever they think you want them to be, but there is not enough depth to sustain life.

GotSteel -> RE: ~~I'm Single & You're Single, Lets be Single together!!~~ (4/22/2009 9:54:48 PM)
There are people on the internet who aren't good at dating, go figure. On any other site I'd just chalk it up to that, but on this site I keep seeing these "not completely compatible move on" posts. Given that we are a minority and if you don't live in a big city you could be a very small minority, immediately writing people off who don't check every one of your boxes in bed or ditching a relationship because you've had an argument seems like a recipe for being single. But I keep seeing that advice on this site, I wonder if people are holding out because of completely unrealistic expectations.

catize -> RE: ~~I'm Single & You're Single, Lets be Single together!!~~ (4/22/2009 10:30:46 PM)
quote: are holding out because of completely unrealistic expectations. I would think going to a dentist to get teeth, wearing a clean shirt when meeting for the first time and make an attempt to show interest in the other person would be minimum expectations.

GotSteel -> RE: ~~I'm Single & You're Single, Lets be Single together!!~~ (4/23/2009 12:19:38 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: catize quote: are holding out because of completely unrealistic expectations. I would think going to a dentist to get teeth, wearing a clean shirt when meeting for the first time and make an attempt to show interest in the other person would be minimum expectations. If someone needs to get their teeth from a dentist they would already be out in my book [:'(] I'm not talking about minimum expectations. I even have some fairly limiting ones such as Jesus is a hard limit. I'm talking about the posts that advise running for it the moment someone says something that could possibly be construed the wrong way.

Andalusite -> RE: ~~I'm Single & You're Single, Lets be Single together!!~~ (4/23/2009 8:21:44 AM)
Hmm, I would have taken "let's be single together" to mean "let's be playpartners/fwb's" not "I want a relationship with you." Not what I'm interested in, so I try to screen out guys who have that attitude. I'm fortunate to be in an area with lots of kinky people, and so far, most of the guys I've gone out with have been interesting. Some weren't compatible with me, for whatever reason, a couple of them I'm still getting to know better. I'm not picky about BDSM orientation, or about specific kinks, but am picky about playstyle, chemistry, the specifics of what they want from a D/s relationship (if they do, egalitarian kinky relationships are easier to negotiate), location/scheduling, and so forth.

scarlethiney -> RE: ~~I'm Single & You're Single, Lets be Single together!!~~ (4/23/2009 9:07:49 AM)
People are so different and it's those differences that are challenging to mesh. It takes time to get to know someone and their own brand or style of living, their preferences. If you add to that a third person, the mix gets even more complicated and convoluted. I think because people are impatient and often don't want to invest the time or energy to work at a relationship, these types of online relationships seem more drama habituated than most. Lets face it, online you can't see facial expression or hear intonation so assumptions can run wild. I am often amazed at the lack of common sense among a large number of people who frequent this web site. Not quite sure what to attribute that to. Perhaps because people have very specific expectations when it comes to relationships and other people they are not anticipating the outcome in a realistic way. I don't think it really matters whether we are discussing a D/s dynamic or a vanilla dynamic. Don't you think when you first meet someone you have one expectation, but as you get to know this persons likes and dislikes your perceptions change as does the relationship expectation to some degree? Aren't relationships constantly evolving and because they do we either both make sacrifices to support the relationship as it changes or we move on. I think in the relationships where there is true commitment both people embrace the sacrifices and adjust the relationship because being together is ultimately more important than minor adjustments. I see very few willing to make those minor adjustments and so they are always looking. My opinion/perception. Doesn't make it right or true for any one else. Interesting question Steel. scarlet

scarlethiney -> RE: ~~I'm Single & You're Single, Lets be Single together!!~~ (4/23/2009 10:32:53 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: IrishMist I'll use myself as my own example [:)] I am a very picky person. I have not been in a relationship since my husband passed away. OH...think on that one now...it's going on 11 years. Not because I can't be with someone else; not because I loved him so much that I can't give to anyone else. Simply because...I am very picky about who I want, who I need, and who I will not settle for. For instance; I like tall men. I would not, and have never even looked at a man who is shorter than me as a prospective partner. I am 5'11; I want a man who is taller than me by at least 4 inches. That narrows the pool down considerably. I like 'rough' men. Both inside and out. I don't want a man who will cave into my wishes simply because I whine or complain. I don't want a man who walks away from confrontation. Once again, that narrows things down considerably. I like pain. ALOT of pain. I like the feel of a fist in my face, a boot in my rib...in 11 years, I have yet to ever meet another man who is willing, able, and HAPPY to do that for me. I like knives. I like guns. I like the feeling of fear that comes from looking down the barrel of a cocked gun...I like the feel of steel against my neck. How many men are confident enough in themselves to be able to pull that off? On the flip side though...I don't like BDSM activities. I don't like being bound. I don't like floggers, paddles, whips, handcuffs, toys.... I am very picky. I refuse to settle for less than what I want. I know it's pretty much impossible to find a person who could possibly fit what I am looking for; I am content with that. I don't NEED a partner in my life to be complete. If one comes along, I'll know him when I see him; if one doesn't, then I am still content with my life. I have everything that I need. I may want more, but I have what I need. I have turned away men from this site and from other places that we have met for the simple reason that I know that they could never give me what I need and want in a relationship. What I need and want is pretty rare; I will not settle for less. I read your post and I have to ask a question. I'm not trying to hijack the thread - You "like" a fist in your face and boot in your ribs? Are you saying you like to be hit with a fist in the face? and kicked in your ribs with a boot. I know I like being whipped. I like having marks on my butt and legs and back from a crop and belt. But what you like sounds awfully brutal to me. Its not a judgment IrishMist. I realize to others what I like sounds brutal and I don't know why I think what you like does. I guess to me the difference would be that I don't feel any permanent damage could be inflicted from my being whipped the way I like it, but I could see where permanent damage (a broken nose, jaw etc could be inflicted on you. And yes I can understand how you might not be able to find a man who wants to inflict that on you or who wouldn't be fearful of causing you permanent damage or going to jail for doing so. scarlet

IrishMist -> RE: ~~I'm Single & You're Single, Lets be Single together!!~~ (4/23/2009 11:37:23 AM)
Yes, it is brutal...and yes, that is what I was saying. To each their own though [;)]

kdsub -> RE: ~~I'm Single & You're Single, Lets be Single together!!~~ (4/23/2009 12:23:27 PM)
I think you can take the Dom and sub out of it and just look at relationships in general... Look at the success rate of marriages now days. Here is the scoop ...When men were king of the roost there were few problems in relationships... Oh they were there but not in the public and women had few rights and just put up with it. It was the social norm. It is that way today in many Muslim countries with archaic man/woman relationships. Now that we are liberated you have twice the chance of trouble…and twice the rate of divorce…and that carries through all of society including BDSM. Butch

justgemmie -> RE: ~~I'm Single & You're Single, Lets be Single together!!~~ (4/23/2009 2:23:32 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah ... I get that looks are important but you know I find the shallow nature of some individuals to border on the reverse narcissistic, where you essentially judge your own worth on how attractive your partner is....Steel greetings Steel :) i haven't even read the rest of Your post yet, let alone the rest of this thread. however, that simple statement above is how i lived my life from the time i was probably about 15 until i was in my mid- to late-40s. talk about no self-esteem or at least not much of it. it has taken my entire adult life to learn my worth is based on me and not on who i'm with. it stunned me to read it here. just wanted to share that, gemmie

SteelofUtah -> RE: ~~I'm Single & You're Single, Lets be Single together!!~~ (4/23/2009 2:29:38 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: justgemmie quote: ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah ... I get that looks are important but you know I find the shallow nature of some individuals to border on the reverse narcissistic, where you essentially judge your own worth on how attractive your partner is....Steel greetings Steel :) i haven't even read the rest of Your post yet, let alone the rest of this thread. however, that simple statement above is how i lived my life from the time i was probably about 15 until i was in my mid- to late-40s. talk about no self-esteem or at least not much of it. it has taken my entire adult life to learn my worth is based on me and not on who i'm with. it stunned me to read it here. just wanted to share that, gemmie And THIS is why I start these threads. gemmie I would LOVE to know what the though process was in thinking this way. I am Glad that today you have self esteem and know your own worth but I am curious as to what the rational though process was behind this particular though pattern of your partner being the measure of your worth and was it difficult to handle the end of a relationship, I would assume from this you rarely terminated a relationship however I may be wrong. Sorry I just have never had someone admit this behavior and have always been curious as to how it starts and what the events that cause this behavior to end are. There have been other posters who illicited the same thought process or peaked my curiosity but because I was late getting back to the thread I lost what I thought was a proper window to ask the question without it being returned lobsided. Steel

LaTigresse -> RE: ~~I'm Single & You're Single, Lets be Single together!!~~ (4/23/2009 2:49:18 PM)
What DemonKia wrote fits me fairly well. I am just cruising along for the ride. If I see an interesting person along the side of the road that wants to ride along, fabulous, if not, that's peachy too. Just because I want, does not mean I need. I already have way more than I need and a lot of my wants. It would be cool to find someone that wants to share but given what I want and need from her, she is a rare woman. Not just any hitch hiker along the side of the road will do.

agirl -> RE: ~~I'm Single & You're Single, Lets be Single together!!~~ (4/23/2009 3:10:28 PM)
Yes. It can be incredibly difficult to stumble across something that worked so well, once upon a time. I am tired of hearing people tell me that there's a lot of fish out there if my relationship ends. Sorry, no, I KNOW it's a rare thing to have SO much that is SO right on SO many levels. agirl

pixidustpet -> RE: ~~I'm Single & You're Single, Lets be Single together!!~~ (4/23/2009 3:56:53 PM)
~fast reply~ even the relationships that didnt work taught me. if i didnt get what i needed out of them? at least i scored some more info in the "things i do NOT want" column. i know the type of personality i dont work with very well, i know what sorts of things i need to make me feel content in the relationship. content, to me, equals to feeling safe and secure, knowing that my partner is being honest and honorable with me, knowing that i can get my needs met/can ask for my needs to be met and he decides what he is going to do. its better than happy to me, because happy goes up and down, content is a constant. i dont fool myself into thinking i'm just anyone's cup of tea. i'm not. i can see myself as the ideal (ok i couldnt even type that without snorting) for maybe a few...but not many. i'm unique, just like everyone else is. i'm special because i'm me but not for any special reason. i wasnt looking for perfect, just a perfect fit to me. and i found that. finding someone that's your puzzle piece is pretty damn special. i've been lucky enough that i found it more than once. kitten

Andalusite -> RE: ~~I'm Single & You're Single, Lets be Single together!!~~ (4/23/2009 7:06:40 PM)
scarlethiney, I like getting punched, choked, kicked and wrestling and stuff like that, but not at 100% force, more sparring/playfighting. Just because someone is kicking with a boot doesn't necessarily mean they are doing it as hard as they can (though butt/thighs are a better target than ribs). A more feral headspace, or feeling that adrenaline kick of terror, teetering on the edge of fight-or-flight, can be quite a rush. I only like doing that with someone I trust and am comfortable with, though, and we start out gently. missturbation, I don't see those statements as contradictory, though apparently Steel intended them to be. I figure that there's a lot of people with a lot of different relationship styles that I could be compatible with. I'm not willing to compromise on some things, but am on others, if on balance, the person is interesting enough. I try to take it slowly and get to know the person before making a commitment, but I need to play fairly early on in order to know if we have chemistry (and I've found there tends to be a window for developing it - if we haven't at least done some hairpulling and biting and such by the 3rd date or so, I'm probably not going to be interested in them that way). Panda, I agree that just "Me Dom/me, You sub" grunt just isn't enough, playstyle, personality, interesting conversation, etc. are also important. I can't know from online if I'll be interested in someone romantically, though, I need to spend time with them in person. Going for years or decades without a partner just doesn't seem reasonable to me, and there's no greater chance that whatever relationship I do wind up in at the end of that time is going to work, than with someone else along the way. Of course, if they're clearly incompatible, that won't work, and that happens frequently too. Nothing wrong with them, or with me, just that we have different wants and needs. Steel, I don't expect anyone to be perfect, and I'm not perfect myself. All but two of the men I've dated have been caring, honorable, wonderful people. Things didn't work out, for whatever reason, and I wish them well. I've drifted out of touch with some of them, and am still friendly with others. I usually try to date people who are pretty much the same - one or two former partners who they're mad at or had a huge blow-up with is understandable, but if it's a pattern, I can't expect them to change for me. Same goes for guys who have a habit of cheating on their partner, etc.

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