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justgemmie -> RE: ~~I'm Single & You're Single, Lets be Single together!!~~ (4/28/2009 9:52:48 AM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah
quote:
ORIGINAL: justgemmie
quote:
ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah
... I get that looks are important but you know I find the shallow nature of some individuals to border on the reverse narcissistic, where you essentially judge your own worth on how attractive your partner is....Steel
greetings Steel :)
i haven't even read the rest of Your post yet, let alone the rest of this thread. however, that simple statement above is how i lived my life from the time i was probably about 15 until i was in my mid- to late-40s. talk about no self-esteem or at least not much of it. it has taken my entire adult life to learn my worth is based on me and not on who i'm with. it stunned me to read it here.
just wanted to share that,
gemmie
And THIS is why I start these threads. gemmie I would LOVE to know what the though process was in thinking this way. I am Glad that today you have self esteem and know your own worth but I am curious as to what the rational though process was behind this particular though pattern of your partner being the measure of your worth and was it difficult to handle the end of a relationship, I would assume from this you rarely terminated a relationship however I may be wrong. Sorry I just have never had someone admit this behavior and have always been curious as to how it starts and what the events that cause this behavior to end are.
There have been other posters who illicited the same thought process or peaked my curiosity but because I was late getting back to the thread I lost what I thought was a proper window to ask the question without it being returned lobsided.
Steel
greetings Steel
sorry about how long it took to write this. the other day when my post was deleted by my computer …grrrrrr i was so frustrated! but then the weekend came and my Man has left for a month for work and we had to prepare for that and yada yada J but i have some time here at work so i’ll do my best to answer You.
it’s easy to remember how it started. as a little girl, when i started riding the bus in first grade (and perhaps even before that with the neighborhood kids), being a chubby girl i was given those wonderful nicknames that kids give – rosie rear, donut, fatso, ugly, etc., and wasn’t liked or wanted by my idea of who the “cool” kids were. now don’t get me wrong, i had friends, and did stuff, had good parents, and all that. my childhood was pretty cool generally. but i let what some others thought of me affect how i thought of me ….. and i believed with all my heart (for most of my life) that my being over-weight made me unlovable, unattractive, unwanted, uncool – think of an “un” and that was me. and i wanted to be liked and popular and stuff. all kids do.
so, as time went by, and i got older (around 14-15ish), i found i had something that guys liked …. pussy. and i found that they would spend time with me, and talk to me, and like me for a little while, if i gave it up. so i gave it up – a lot. but only to cool or cute men. see, it worked both ways in my mind. whether i liked the guy or not, if he was an “un” – unpopular, un-cool, un-cute, un-etc., then i couldn’t be with him, for everyone would then know i couldn’t do any better than that because i was un-whatever. i missed out on some really fantastic men because of this ......
and i was like that for years. of course i grew older and found other ways of covering or hiding my low or non-existent self esteem ~ i drank and eventually i did drugs, still all the while being waaay easy. i was not able to find the good in me. i mean, i knew i was ok and pretty cool - but that was irrelevant compared to the fact that i was fat – no one likes fat chicks; hence, i was not liked by those i thought i wanted to be around. i simply could not fathom that people might be attracted to me, for any other reason. although i have had great and fantastic people in my life, i always took to heart the mean or hateful things said by a few, and based the way i saw myself on those things.
as to handling the end of relationships, well, i didn’t have many to handle the end of. “they” say that we make our own reality. i believe that. i believed that hawt or cool or wonderful Men wouldn’t like me so i worked very hard, subconsciously, to make sure that was a truth. i always had a reason or 6 that Man X and i couldn’t be together, self-fulfilling my belief that i wasn’t wanted (cause i was fat). and i have always been the first one to cry and wonder why they don’t like me lol geesh. there were several fantastic Dominants, early in my lifestyle life – that pointed out how i pushed them away and had all kinds of reasons we couldn’t/wouldn’t/shouldn’t work out.
the really sad part here (to me) is in looking back, at pictures and at my life, granted i have been chubby, overweight, or thick -- but in my head i was so huge ……. i wasted a good half of my life wrapped up in that and unable to live life to it’s fullest. ….. awww well, anyway …….
as to how i got out of that circular life-changing thinking. in my late 30s i married a fine looking, good man (which allowed me to learn just a little that i was ok too). and was happy for a lot of years. but things happened and times changed, and when i was in my late 40s i found i wanted ……… something more, or perhaps something different. and i was not happy at home. we argued and bickered a lot, and i didn’t want that all my life. so i left my husband and found alt.com one day on line. learning of this lifestyle changed my life.
i can’t tell you exactly what it is that changed my outlook since i found bdsm, except that perhaps i met folks that are ok with themselves and i can see that. and perhaps part of it is that i have found a part of myself, my submission and slight masochism, and it’s been ok that i am me. perhaps part of it is that some really, really fine Men have been interested in me and They had not problem one with my weight (so maybe i’m not so bad)?
it hasn’t been perfect of course. can’t tell you how many times i’ve gotten nasty emails about my CM pics and how fat i am, or any number of other things. but <shrugs> screw ‘em. i’m pretty cool today J
well, there You have it. a short bit of my life which personally seems kinda boring --- but you asked for it :D
be well,
gemmie
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