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RE: Can a question kill? - 4/24/2009 12:07:15 PM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		Can a question kill?
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

Suppose you ask, "Are you going to kill me with that gun?"
I then shoot you.
Are you dead because of your question?
Kind of a schism developing, here.


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RE: Can a question kill? - 4/24/2009 12:19:14 PM   
SimplyMichael


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quote:

ORIGINAL: breatheasone

Are there any questions Y'all can think of,  that  JUST by asking it ..... it would or could kill or damage a relationship?.....
Now before Y'all say "no, of course not" think about it....


Depends greatly on the question and relationship but of course there are questions that could kill or damage a relationship.  However, I believe asking them EARLY and OFTEN is far more likely to help than hinder a relationship.  Imagine asking about doing BDSM with your partner long before you break down and meet somone off of craigslist.  

Having the sort of magical relationship where everyone can talk about things allows things to be explored and discussed as an act of emotional sharing and loving rather than "gee honey, I spent the last 20 years bored as fuck and want to go find a real woman" which is probably going to end the relationship.

Now sometimes hearing those truths can be challenging and emotionally difficult but if the relationship is built on sharing, I think even hard truths can bring people together but part of that is talking about them before they become an issue rather than afterwards.

My first real BDSM love relationship was sort of like that, she asked her husband to open the relationship AFTER he read her diary and found out about me.  He was hurt and devestated but who knows how it would have worked if they had talked all along about things and found a path that had worked for both of them?

< Message edited by SimplyMichael -- 4/24/2009 12:20:57 PM >

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RE: Can a question kill? - 4/24/2009 12:54:06 PM   
Aileen1968


Posts: 6062
Joined: 12/12/2007
From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
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quote:

ORIGINAL: breatheasone

Are there any questions Y'all can think of,  that  JUST by asking it ..... it would or could kill or damage a relationship?.....
Now before Y'all say "no, of course not" think about it....
(a personal example, i asked my VERY vanilla husband if i could get into this lifestyle and have a "D" type in my life. My husband said yes we talked, and all is ok. However.... a friend of mine said just ASKING that of her husband would have ended their marriage)



When he asked me if I still wanted to be married to him and I replied no.
That was a killer.
It killed an 18 year marriage, but it is leading to an incredible friendship.

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RE: Can a question kill? - 4/24/2009 1:15:02 PM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Aileen1968


quote:

ORIGINAL: breatheasone

Are there any questions Y'all can think of,  that  JUST by asking it ..... it would or could kill or damage a relationship?.....
Now before Y'all say "no, of course not" think about it....
(a personal example, i asked my VERY vanilla husband if i could get into this lifestyle and have a "D" type in my life. My husband said yes we talked, and all is ok. However.... a friend of mine said just ASKING that of her husband would have ended their marriage)



When he asked me if I still wanted to be married to him and I replied no.
That was a killer.
It killed an 18 year marriage, but it is leading to an incredible friendship.


  Mmhmm...... the end of one thing doesn't have to be the end of all things.

agirl

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RE: Can a question kill? - 4/24/2009 1:23:31 PM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Aileen1968


quote:

ORIGINAL: breatheasone

Are there any questions Y'all can think of,  that  JUST by asking it ..... it would or could kill or damage a relationship?.....
Now before Y'all say "no, of course not" think about it....
(a personal example, i asked my VERY vanilla husband if i could get into this lifestyle and have a "D" type in my life. My husband said yes we talked, and all is ok. However.... a friend of mine said just ASKING that of her husband would have ended their marriage)



When he asked me if I still wanted to be married to him and I replied no.
That was a killer.
It killed an 18 year marriage, but it is leading to an incredible friendship.


Aileen, did that question kill it or only reveal that it had died long ago?

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RE: Can a question kill? - 4/24/2009 5:37:51 PM   
cantilena


Posts: 224
Joined: 8/6/2007
Status: offline 		I can't think of a single question that would outright kill our relationship.

I can think of many that might have killed previous relationships, though.  I agree with the posters who maintain it's more about the specific relationship itself than any question itself.

Intent is important too, as others point out... if someone has an agenda to make drama, he or she can typically succeed.

{{edited to add: This was a reply in general... not meant in reply to SimplyMichael}}

< Message edited by cantilena -- 4/24/2009 5:39:22 PM >

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RE: Can a question kill? - 4/24/2009 6:07:36 PM   
mindtrap


Posts: 14
Joined: 4/14/2009
Status: offline 		i wish you both the best iii

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RE: Can a question kill? - 4/24/2009 6:10:02 PM   
mindtrap


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Joined: 4/14/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: mindtrap

i wish you both the best iii

quote:

When he asked me if I still wanted to be married to him and I replied no.
That was a killer.
It killed an 18 year marriage, but it is leading to an incredible friendship.


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"Looking for myself in a desolate place, Trapped within my Mind, who or what will I find?"

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RE: Can a question kill? - 4/25/2009 1:26:57 PM   
allthatjaz


Posts: 2878
Joined: 8/20/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: gman992

1) At least, he was honest. There is nothing more destructive than bottled up anger/hate.
2). You chose flesh and blood over semi-flesh blood.
3). Raising a kid/child in an environment like that wouldn't be good for him.

Relationships are always filled with tough choices. There is probably someone better out there for the both of you.

You know, I've dated a couple of single mothers, and I've gotten along well with them and their children, but I am always taken back when they always say that they are not looking for a father for their children. (I know...I know...it's something that they say so they don't scare potential suitors off) But, I am thinking, the possibility of spending the rest of my life with this person is at stake, and she doesn't want me to have some sort of influence on her children? Or she doesn't want me to be involved in help raising him? Does that mean that I can't play catch with him or I can't take him to the movies or I can't teach him how to learn to drive or I can't help him when he asks me what to do when he likes his first girl? That I can't help him with his homework? I think that I would be actually offended. Clearly, the "real" father is going to be around...

Of course, the worst question she could ever ask is--do I look fat in this?




My posting was very brief without detail and your quote was extremely presumptuous.
I had been married to him for over ten years when I asked him this question.
There was no real father to get involved. My first husband, my eldest sons father was killed when he was a toddler.
My second husband loved me with all his heart but his flippant answer to my question that day brought his world crashing down around him.
My eldest son needed a father figure and he gave his love to my second husband unquestionably. Whilst he played the game of being a great dad for some years, when a second child (his flesh and blood) came along then my eldest just became a nuisance to him.

I should not of had to declare my personal information here and I kind of resent that but I found your post insulting and it was aimed right in my direction.

Maria



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RE: Can a question kill? - 4/27/2009 7:13:09 AM   
breatheasone


Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

quote:

ORIGINAL: Aileen1968


quote:

ORIGINAL: breatheasone

Are there any questions Y'all can think of,  that  JUST by asking it ..... it would or could kill or damage a relationship?.....
Now before Y'all say "no, of course not" think about it....
(a personal example, i asked my VERY vanilla husband if i could get into this lifestyle and have a "D" type in my life. My husband said yes we talked, and all is ok. However.... a friend of mine said just ASKING that of her husband would have ended their marriage)



When he asked me if I still wanted to be married to him and I replied no.
That was a killer.
It killed an 18 year marriage, but it is leading to an incredible friendship.


Aileen, did that question kill it or only reveal that it had died long ago?

Michael, thats an EXCELLENT observation, i hadn't thought about it in that context. Very good catch there.


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RE: Can a question kill? - 4/27/2009 8:40:10 AM   
MarcEsadrian


Posts: 852
Joined: 8/24/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: breatheasoneAre there any questions Y'all can think of, that JUST by asking it ..... it would or could kill or damage a relationship?.....
Now before Y'all say "no, of course not" think about it....
(a personal example, i asked my VERY vanilla husband if i could get into this lifestyle and have a "D" type in my life. My husband said yes we talked, and all is ok. However.... a friend of mine said just ASKING that of her husband would have ended their marriage)


A "relationship"—even a general one—can be a lot of things, especially on a site like this.

Generally speaking about general relationships as generally as general can be, if the notion of asking a question or bringing up a particular subject feels somewhat like lighting an M-80 in a shed full of nitroglycerin, the relationship is tenuous, at best, and if so, the actual question is irrelevant compared to what conditions make for such a hair-trigger climate.

There are, however, strict protocols and expectations in other D/s relationships which are made clear from the outset. It's incorrect to say such arrangements are "wrong" so long as the structure is solid, expectations are articulated well, and both parties are consenting.


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Profile   Post #: 71
RE: Can a question kill? - 4/27/2009 6:55:35 PM   
mindtrap


Posts: 14
Joined: 4/14/2009
Status: offline 		Aileen, did that question kill it or only reveal that it had died long ago?


i would guess it depends on which person you asked. iii


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RE: Can a question kill? - 4/27/2009 6:57:27 PM   
mindtrap


Posts: 14
Joined: 4/14/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: breatheasone

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

quote:

ORIGINAL: Aileen1968


quote:

ORIGINAL: breatheasone

Are there any questions Y'all can think of,  that  JUST by asking it ..... it would or could kill or damage a relationship?.....
Now before Y'all say "no, of course not" think about it....
(a personal example, i asked my VERY vanilla husband if i could get into this lifestyle and have a "D" type in my life. My husband said yes we talked, and all is ok. However.... a friend of mine said just ASKING that of her husband would have ended their marriage)



When he asked me if I still wanted to be married to him and I replied no.
That was a killer.
It killed an 18 year marriage, but it is leading to an incredible friendship.


Aileen, did that question kill it or only reveal that it had died long ago?

Michael, thats an EXCELLENT observation, i hadn't thought about it in that context. Very good catch there.


I would guess it depends on which person you asked. iii

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RE: Can a question kill? - 4/27/2009 9:20:47 PM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MarcEsadrian


Generally speaking about general relationships as generally as general can be...



Made me think of how much wood would a wood chuck chuck....

Anyway, while I'm sure there are some questions that could kill a union (Ron had a good example), I find myself not really wanting to think about what they might be.  I guess I'd rather focus on what brings people together, kumbaya, and all that.


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RE: Can a question kill? - 5/2/2009 5:45:41 AM   
torkinkycouple


Posts: 17
Joined: 2/13/2009
Status: offline 		Yes- if you are asked if you are RUF after being informed that RUF ONLY ON DE ROAD by a 9 year old named dead body and say "no"

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Profile   Post #: 75
RE: Can a question kill? - 5/2/2009 6:54:38 AM   
torkinkycouple


Posts: 17
Joined: 2/13/2009
Status: offline 		" Can theapists commit you to a mental hospital for admiting past suicid"
"Sandpaper Masturbation, Why!"
"Somebody has asked me to stand on his face. Is that likely to damage his face?"
"Just looking for advise...how to give pain to my balls...."
"of The cock =the pathway to the mind?? "
"How Do you look for A BDSM Girl?"
" Is it a disiplinary matter if a servant capitalises his name in commun"

all bring me this | | close, so my answer is yes. i'd kill anyone who asked me any of those questions if I could get away with it.

In fact... the majority of the questions on this forum make me want to kill.

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Profile   Post #: 76
RE: Can a question kill? - 5/2/2009 7:12:05 AM   
pinkpolkadots


Posts: 26
Joined: 3/3/2009
Status: offline 		asking my husband ended my marriage.

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RE: Can a question kill? - 5/2/2009 7:13:50 AM   
pinkpolkadots


Posts: 26
Joined: 3/3/2009
Status: offline 		i would also think that asking "do you really think you are Dominant, you jerk?" would end a relationship.

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Profile   Post #: 78
RE: Can a question kill? - 5/2/2009 7:16:22 AM   
torkinkycouple


Posts: 17
Joined: 2/13/2009
Status: offline 		if you are asked that you are a member of <african rebel group> at a roadblock that is atsun 2200 with 18 methcathinoned rebels, and you are not indeed, part of that group.

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Profile   Post #: 79
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