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RE: Is it improper to ask questions - or is it vital? - 4/25/2009 1:35:57 PM   
stella41b


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Interesdom

I was having a discussion recently with a sub who was discussing her need to understand the mentality of dominants (and sadists). 



Theodore Bundy? Albert Fish? Peter Sutcliffe? Aileen Wuornos?

How about screw the 'mentality of dominants (and sadists)' concept and start interacting with other people as fellow human beings?

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RE: Is it improper to ask questions - or is it vital? - 4/25/2009 1:48:50 PM   
StormsSlave


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Serioiusly?  I ask tons of questions about anything that strikes me.  I get lots of different answers.  How can one hope to understand anything if they can't go to the source to shed light on the matter?  My Lord most often patiently answers my questions, hears my opinions, and encourages my expression.  He listens closely to my questions, but I don't ever recall that he has refused to answer a question, ever, though he sometimes asks questions about my questions.  He would be seriously pissed if I asked someone else about him and our life together before approaching him, though if I still sought answers from other sources he would not be offended.

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RE: Is it improper to ask questions - or is it vital? - 4/25/2009 2:07:09 PM   
DavanKael


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Each unto their own but a partner with whom I could not communicate would not be my partner long, if at all. 
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RE: Is it improper to ask questions - or is it vital? - 4/25/2009 3:57:51 PM   
barelynangel


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To me it depends on WHY she wants to know the answers. I mean a general mentality of why a Master is choosing to do something with his slave is not really her concern. As a slave, why does she need to know his mentality? To approve it, to give her permission, to make sure she can understand it and/or him? Sorry, to me, slaves don't need to always KNOW the mentality of why or how or whatnot a Master determined something. Over the course of time, a woman will learn her Master, but that doesn't mean she is better off THINKING she knows how he thinks or why he thinks what he does or chooses what he does.

Depending on what she is asking to me yes she may actually BE improper asking her Master to "explain himself" to her. And many times no matter how politically correct a person tries to say it that's exactly what is being implied -- he needs to explain himself. No, to me as a Master he does not. She is a slave. I don't think she should be asking anyone else either because on many levels she is treading on grounds she will never understand as a slave to a Man or grounds she doesn't need to understand as a slave to a Master.

Many times this is what i see that causes all the issues within the slavery concept people try and live withiin -- the slave believes the Man HAS to and MUST run everything past her so she can make sure he is doing it right. For Doms and subs, sure this may work, but to me, a slave thinking that as a slave she will ever understand the mentality of a Man who is a Master tells me she has a lot to learn based on the very real difference between slaves and Masters. Their perceptions of not only themselves but of the world around them. They don't think alike and therefore, a slave doesn't need to worry about the mentality, she to me should me concentrating more on herself to worry about what the Man's mentality is to me is simply setting herself up to a position she shouldn't attempt to place herself in -- a judge of whether or not a Man is doing things correctly in HER mind. If she is a slave, then she needs to concentrate more on HER mentality than worrying about anothers mentality.

grins, i know MANY people will have a kiniption about what i have said here because what i have said here is well a slave doesn't NEED to know everything. Its that simple. To say she does to me comes down to why? Can she as a woman and a slave really get where a Man comes from in his perception and thinking when she has 1) never been a man, and 2) more than likely has never been a master of a woman and needing to own a woman while making determinations for his home.

Over the course of enslavement and mastery, a woman gets to KNOW a Man, but that's not the same thing as understanding a mentality. So yes, many times it all comes down to motive as to why she is asking and i would seriously say 9 times out of 10, a woman is attempting to gain information not to basically understand but because she is attempting to manipulate the situation so she has some type of indirect control -- after all many times knowledge is power and power is control.

angel

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RE: Is it improper to ask questions - or is it vital? - 4/25/2009 4:44:44 PM   
heartcream


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I like the idea of open honest communication. If I ask, for example, about his relationship status and he hums and haws, does not answer me, I dont trust him. I side with the folks saying questions are important and so is answering them.

How a man handles questions I ask tells me plenty.


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RE: Is it improper to ask questions - or is it vital? - 4/25/2009 5:30:25 PM   
LafayetteLady


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I can't help but think that when posts like this arise, even in this case where the OP had the questions posed to him and apparently wondered if it was common among sub/slaves to feel this way, that the person asking the questions somewhere along the line had someone who presented themselves as an "authority" led them to believe this or that were proper.  Luckily these boards and  people like the OP exist to help newbies understand better how to approach things in this lifestyle.  I'm sure some people will claim that they inherently "knew" how to behave in their "position", but we all know that's a load of crap. 

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RE: Is it improper to ask questions - or is it vital? - 4/25/2009 6:01:45 PM   
catize


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quote:

 However, they should not be allowed to question the motives, reasons or rational, merely to clarify the details. This does not mean they can not ask why, merely that they should not doubt or challenge the choices made for them. 


Doubt is a state of mind indicating more trust needs to be established.  Until that happens, I am of the opinion that it is my obligation to ask questions if I have them. 

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RE: Is it improper to ask questions - or is it vital? - 4/25/2009 6:33:49 PM   
masterlink65


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i tell my slaves the only stupid question is the one you didnt ask. i may give the typical, that was a stupid question facial gesture or heavy sigh, but that is nothing compared to doing something wrong cause it was to stupid to ask in the first place.

< Message edited by masterlink65 -- 4/25/2009 7:19:42 PM >

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RE: Is it improper to ask questions - or is it vital? - 4/25/2009 9:31:30 PM   
kuriouswitch


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I'm always asking Master questions, usually i get in trouble for asking too many (especially at bed time) but questions, knowing why he wishes something, even if just because, or how he wants it done ect. I'll also ask questions on how he views my progress, what he thinks i need to improve on, what he's proud of ect. Me asking questions of Master is very important, not only does it allow me to serve him better but also it lets him know what i'm thinking about, what i'm concerned about or what issues need to be addressed.

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RE: Is it improper to ask questions - or is it vital? - 4/26/2009 6:57:54 AM   
sweetnurseBBW


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Unless a sub or slave is a mind reader it is vital. How are things supposed to be clarified or needs be known? Without good communication you have nothing.

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RE: Is it improper to ask questions - or is it vital? - 4/26/2009 7:28:06 AM   
agirl


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quote:

ORIGINAL: stella41b


quote:

ORIGINAL: Interesdom

I was having a discussion recently with a sub who was discussing her need to understand the mentality of dominants (and sadists). 



Theodore Bundy? Albert Fish? Peter Sutcliffe? Aileen Wuornos?

How about screw the 'mentality of dominants (and sadists)' concept and start interacting with other people as fellow human beings?


I'm with Stella on this. If you hitch your cart to a pony, get to know the pony you hitched your cart to.

If you get to know the person you're with you'll find all the answers you need.

agirl

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RE: Is it improper to ask questions - or is it vital? - 4/30/2009 3:30:59 PM   
Interesdom


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Very interesting, angel.  I often find myself in agreement of your posts and I'm surprised that we think slightly differently on this.

I agree that a slave has no right to expect her master to explain himself.  I also think that she could tie herself in knots attempting to understand why he makes the decisions he makes.  She is likely to be far better off and more relaxed just accepting that her master does what he does and she must obey.

You say that she will get to know her master, over time and I find that natural and obvious.  When I think about that, I think in terms of her ability to predict his needs, to understand his likes and dislikes and correctly anticipate what will make his life better - these things she can get to know over time.  She can also get to know such things somewhat faster through dialog and if he tells her, if he is able, why he likes some things and does not like others.  To take a simple example, does he not have sugar in his coffee because he doesn't like sweet tastes or because he is careful of his diet?  Knowing his mentality on such things can help her to serve him better, sooner, without him having to direct her every action.


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RE: Is it improper to ask questions - or is it vital? - 4/30/2009 4:28:50 PM   
barelynangel


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There is a big difference between deciphering through conversations likes and dislikes and a slave believing she has a right and a must to know his mentality. The two are very separate. What you are speaking about is not what your initial post speaks about from my opinion on what was written and what she had said that you wrote. Your initial post speaks of the mentality of Men. That is a far different cry than a woman simply wondering what a Man who is her Master likes and dislikes. She doesn't need to know his mentality to achieve knowledge in that, she doesn't need to know the whys and whatfors, she simply needs to be told. To me, your initial post is not speaking of personal likes and dislikes but of how Men think and determine things for their individual homes. She believe she MUST understand how Men who are Masters and Doms THINK and such in order to better please. This is not necessary and to me a very big misconception of women who are slaves they use this as a manipulation tool whether they realize it or not, they use it to achieve knowledge in a indirect way of i need to know WHY you think this way to understand it -- for slaves umm no, all a slave has to do is obey. However, slaves many times attempt to decide how they will obey, they feel they BETTER obey if they get what they want from the Man -- why he thinks and does and determines as he does. However, if most slaves would simply realize obeying is very simple and over time, she WILL learn the Man and her knowledge of how and why he does things comes from experience and being mastered and enslaved by him, not her deciding what its important for her to know. If he feels she needs to know -- he will more than likely tell her and i can guarantee you most Men do tell a woman exactly what they want to know -- which they say Men don't tell them -- the problem is the women aren't "listening" to what the Man is telling her. Even if they say they do lol. They aren't they are too busy trying to figure out how to be a "better" slave. Sometimes trying to decide what will make you a "better" slave actually hinders you becoming the slave the Man wishes you to be.

To me its not a woman really learning to serve him better, its a girl trying to determine the speed and way she does her slavery and many times she simply ends up causing issues because she is trying to control her slavery. If you watch when women have problems in slavery -- THIS is what is happening, she thinks she knows what will make her the better slave, instead of simply allowing the Man to train her into being the slave he wishes her to be.

I never expect people to agree with me lol, so no worries. I only offer discussion based on my understanding and experience of slavery i am familiar with.

angel

< Message edited by barelynangel -- 4/30/2009 4:47:16 PM >


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RE: Is it improper to ask questions - or is it vital? - 4/30/2009 5:00:11 PM   
RavenMuse


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Asking others would only give her insight into how to please THEM. If she was wanting to please Me, she would have to ask ME not anyone else.

Besides which any girl of Mine better get over such notions and fast. Asking questions is not simply encouraged, it is mandatory. "If in doubt, don't assume.... ASK!"


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RE: Is it improper to ask questions - or is it vital? - 5/1/2009 3:33:53 AM   
Whenready


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Of course it's improper to ask - all subs are supposed to use their psychic powers - you know the ones that came with the psychedelic cape and underpants that help them fly too.

In exactly the same way I roll on My dice charts to decide My next action... 7... pat sub on head.. maybe I should put the cleaver down first - ah what the heck it doesnt say that on the chart....

Alternatively... is it too much to ask to think? Sorry, forget I even suggested that.

Ask. Ask again if the answer isnt clear. As someone said above - the only stupid question is the one you didn't ask.

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RE: Is it improper to ask questions - or is it vital? - 5/1/2009 5:45:23 AM   
tiinkerbell


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Lordandmaster

It's important to be able to ask questions if they're HONEST questions--that is, questions to which the sub really doesn't know the answer.  Lotsa times passive-aggressive people dress things up as questions in order to make some kind of point indirectly.

I have to ask, I am sorry lol.
In the past, I have been known to do this, mainly because I did not know of a good way to phrase the right question, even after thinking about it for some time.
My question is; if you know a person is doing this, how would someone help them to overcome it?
 
I know many will say 'just come right out and say it/ask it." But, if it seems disrespectful in my mind, how would I be able to ask the question without appearing to be 'passive aggressive' about it?
 
Curious me lol.
 
I wish you the best
 
Allison
 
Edited because I am half asleep and can not type

 

< Message edited by tiinkerbell -- 5/1/2009 5:46:15 AM >


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RE: Is it improper to ask questions - or is it vital? - 5/1/2009 7:09:01 AM   
Fitznicely


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Quickreply - and I mean quick...

It's vital. If you don't understand why, reassess.

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RE: Is it improper to ask questions - or is it vital? - 5/1/2009 7:50:53 AM   
CreativeDominant


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quote:

ORIGINAL: tiinkerbell

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lordandmaster

It's important to be able to ask questions if they're HONEST questions--that is, questions to which the sub really doesn't know the answer.  Lotsa times passive-aggressive people dress things up as questions in order to make some kind of point indirectly.

I have to ask, I am sorry lol.
In the past, I have been known to do this, mainly because I did not know of a good way to phrase the right question, even after thinking about it for some time.
My question is; if you know a person is doing this, how would someone help them to overcome it?
 
I know many will say 'just come right out and say it/ask it." But, if it seems disrespectful in my mind, how would I be able to ask the question without appearing to be 'passive aggressive' about it?
 
Curious me lol.
 
I wish you the best
 
Allison
 
Edited because I am half asleep and can not type

 
You do as misst (InTongues slave) noted earlier:  first you ask "May I ask a question, Sir?"  If told that you may, then you ask your question

I would add to this something that I have stated before...learn to look inside yourself and be honest with yourself.  Do you KNOW that the question you are going to ask is a passive-aggressive statement-to-make-a-point in disguise?  e.g.:  "Sir...don't you think your punishments might be more effective and i would become a better submissive/slave if you explained a little more about why you are giving me one? "  That is passive-aggressive...the submissive already knows in her own mind that SHE thinks that the approach she has mentioned in her question would be more effective.  Alright then, have the guts...and the belief in your dynamic...to communicate that directly to your dominant:  "Sir, I've looked inside myself and I think your punishment of me would be more effective if I understood better why you are punishing me".    Now you've communicated honestly.  It is up to him what to do with the information now and there is no question in his mind as to what you are getting at.

Personally, I feel questions are vital to a relationship...and that holds true from both sides of the coin.  When a submissive asks questions within the framework of the D/s dynamic, they should be respectful and honest...not questions of a passive-aggressive nature nor should they be questions that reveal an intent of "making sure" that the dominant's motivations for what he is doing "matches up to what she feels is the best way to dominate her"---she already made the decision that HE knew the best way to dominate her when she agreed to submit.

< Message edited by CreativeDominant -- 5/1/2009 7:58:24 AM >

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RE: Is it improper to ask questions - or is it vital? - 5/1/2009 9:09:06 AM   
tiinkerbell


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quote:

not questions of a passive-aggressive nature nor should they be questions that reveal an intent of "making sure" that the dominant's motivations for what he is doing "matches up to what she feels is the best way to dominate her

Ahh, ok, that makes a lot more sense.
 
I thought maybe, passive-agressive was being used here to mean more along the lines of 'trying to pick a fight'.
 
What you said makes a lot sense though and helps to clear it up some.
 
Thank you
 
Allison

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RE: Is it improper to ask questions - or is it vital? - 5/1/2009 10:59:22 AM   
ranja


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I have problems asking questions too...i do not always know the right way or the right question to ask. I have asked many questions of Doms here before i knew myself better and the way a Dominant man thinks better so i could ask my Husband better, I very much value all the help i have received here and i understand completely why people come here to learn before translating it to real life and i see absolutely nothing wrong with research.

quote CreativeDominant: "Sir...don't you think your punishments might be more effective and i would become a better submissive/slave if you explained a little more about why you are giving me one? "  That is passive-aggressive...the submissive already knows in her own mind that SHE thinks that the approach she has mentioned in her question would be more effective.  Alright then, have the guts...and the belief in your dynamic...to communicate that directly to your dominant:  "Sir, I've looked inside myself and I think your punishment of me would be more effective if I understood better why you are punishing me".    Now you've communicated honestly. 

Sir, to me the question remains the same: why are you doing this?
The first way of asking sounds like a suggestion or a plea...like please explain. And the second way of asking sounds maybe slightly like a critisism; your punishment of me is not good enough because i do not understand why you do it!

English is not my first language but even in my own language i do not always know how to formulate my thoughts or questions and like tinkerbell even not after i have thought about it sometimes for very long periods of time...is not the question in it self more important than the way it is asked?

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