A subs problem with self control

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SomethingCatchy -> A subs problem with self control (4/28/2009 7:59:03 AM)
I collared my boy about a month ago now, and we've been working on various things to shape him up. We have a meeting with a relationship counselor next week to just go over some problems all couples have and learn how to deal with them in a way that's best for us. Within the last two months I've seen an erosion on self control. I'm not going to go into detail about what's going on, but I need some ideas to help us. I have - Punished him twice for losing control of himself. The punishments were very unpleasant, nearly brought him to tears, and ended with me telling him it'd be worse next time. He's told me a few times after that when he starts thinking of doing things he knows is wrong, he sees the punishment floating in front of him and it stops him short. Had him write an essay on self control so that I could get a feel for what was going on in his head. I feel that he would benefit from being more involved in his religion so I've started calling churches to ask for a meeting with the leader to explain the problems and get help. Talked to him many times about his problems and he is incredibly frustrated with his lack of self control. In his essay he even wrote about how people used to use him as an example but now he feels less than. Does anyone else have ideas? I'm not looking for punishment so much as ways to inspire him to be a better person.

YourhandMyAss -> RE: A subs problem with self control (4/28/2009 8:04:28 AM)
Something Catchy unless you're willing to elaborate" lack of self control" isn't going to give any one anything to go off of, cause I can suggest a ton of stuff for improving self control, and unless I know what I am supposed to be recomending to, It may not amount to a heap of beans. You also really can't be vauge when you come asking for advice, lay it all out or don't lay any of it down, is my advice. quote: ORIGINAL: SomethingCatchy Within the last two months I've seen an erosion on self control. I'm not going to go into detail about what's going on, but I need some ideas to help us. Does anyone else have ideas? I'm not looking for punishment so much as ways to inspire him to be a better person.

servantforuse -> RE: A subs problem with self control (4/28/2009 8:06:50 AM)
I think he probably enjoys the punishments and knowing he will get one he will not change.

subtlebutterfly -> RE: A subs problem with self control (4/28/2009 8:08:49 AM)
erm okay..a stupid suggestion but still I have no idea how old he is but..disciplinary sports are great for that....army/martial arts/boot camp..even boxing, where there's strict discipline. At least I have read it works for kids and I honestly can't see why it shouldn't work for adults either.[8\|]

SomethingCatchy -> RE: A subs problem with self control (4/28/2009 8:19:42 AM)
These are all the problems that's lead up to this recent change in behavior. I'm sorry it's a bit jumbled. He is in the Marine corps, hates that he joined, he says that the choice to join completely destroyed his faith in himself to make good decisions (I've seen it ... he flip flops around because he can't make up his mind). His job is incredibly stressful and couple that with treating a 22 year old man who is maybe too mature for his age like a 10 year old, him being under constant threat that if he's even 13 minutes early instead of 15 minutes early to work they'll put him on 'house arrest' and he won't be allowed to have visitors or leave his barracks room unless it's for work (won't be allowed to see me for an indefinite period of time). He's looking at another month long deployment to California in May (leaving me, going off to work 12 on/12 off and coming back home to work 14-16 hour nights). Basically he really hates the military. He's recently started getting very angry, and I think it has to do with his job and the people he works with. Marines are well known for being violent people. He looses control to his anger and lashes out at whatever object is frustrating him. He gets frustrated very easily and emotional over it. He curses which is something he did not do when I met him. He has trouble controlling lustful thoughts. When I met him he was the first man ever who treated me like a human being and I believe him 100% when he's told me that he believes God wants him to be a sexually pure person. I really admired him for his self control over his body, but recently it's become harder and harder for him to not masturbate (a thing he was punished for, which he did NOT enjoy, and was actually afraid of masturbating for me on command). He's told me that he's upset with himself because he feels guilty for asking God for help when he's "not doing anything for God so why should he give me help?" I think he's feeling a bit lost because his job sucks up so much of his time, he sleeps 8 hours, and then wants to spend whatever he's got left with me. I am not a religious person, but when I met him I admired his convictions and I see how he's stopped caring. I believe he may be depressed and need some anger management counseling, but that's something I'm hoping to address while at couples counseling because it affects me too.

ErikaTate1 -> RE: A subs problem with self control (4/28/2009 8:27:38 AM)
You may want him to get into some meditation in order for him to deal with his demons. Start off easy and build up....

subtlebutterfly -> RE: A subs problem with self control (4/28/2009 8:28:59 AM)
oooookay gonna opt out.. I've nooooooo idea how the all this marine/army thing works..but when can he quit? some people aint mentally fit to be in that kind of work. While he's there n not being able to get anger management or whatever he may need...try meditating? it's the only thing I can think of atm, can he look at it as a test that he needs to pass,a period where he needs to rely on himself to get through? [&:] don't know..like I said..imma opt out of this one n just say good luck.

SomethingCatchy -> RE: A subs problem with self control (4/28/2009 8:33:49 AM)
I hadn't thought of meditation. It's something he used to do a lot of. Maybe I can make it a task before he goes to work or after he comes home to get ready for bed. He has until Sept 11 2010 and he'll be a 'free' man. We're both looking forward to it. I'm looking forward to his long shaggy hair.

Andalusite -> RE: A subs problem with self control (4/28/2009 8:40:39 AM)
I know a lot of Marines, and none of them are violent except in the course of their military responsibilities. On the self-control, it sounds like work has him a bit on the ragged edge, and you're likely to need to be patient with him.

subtlebutterfly -> RE: A subs problem with self control (4/28/2009 8:47:54 AM)
....and breathing techniques can work wonders too, when he's about to come off just take a moment out (if he's got time i mean heck..preferably just get out if not more than stepping into another room for one second) force himself take deep slow breaths etc until he's able to think rationally n then move on when he gets past that threshold. it's what i do when im coming to the point of beating the crap out of somebody..but like i say..don't know shit about the marine aspect

LaTigresse -> RE: A subs problem with self control (4/28/2009 8:51:14 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SomethingCatchy He is in the Marine corps, hates that he joined, he says that the choice to join completely destroyed his faith in himself to make good decisions (I've seen it ... he flip flops around because he can't make up his mind). His job is incredibly stressful and couple that with treating a 22 year old man who is maybe too mature for his age like a 10 year old, him being under constant threat that if he's even 13 minutes early instead of 15 minutes early to work they'll put him on 'house arrest' and he won't be allowed to have visitors or leave his barracks room unless it's for work (won't be allowed to see me for an indefinite period of time). He's looking at another month long deployment to California in May (leaving me, going off to work 12 on/12 off and coming back home to work 14-16 hour nights). Basically he really hates the military. He's recently started getting very angry, and I think it has to do with his job and the people he works with. Marines are well known for being violent people. He looses control to his anger and lashes out at whatever object is frustrating him. He gets frustrated very easily and emotional over it. He curses which is something he did not do when I met him. He has trouble controlling lustful thoughts. When I met him he was the first man ever who treated me like a human being and I believe him 100% when he's told me that he believes God wants him to be a sexually pure person. I really admired him for his self control over his body, but recently it's become harder and harder for him to not masturbate (a thing he was punished for, which he did NOT enjoy, and was actually afraid of masturbating for me on command). He's told me that he's upset with himself because he feels guilty for asking God for help when he's "not doing anything for God so why should he give me help?" I think he's feeling a bit lost because his job sucks up so much of his time, he sleeps 8 hours, and then wants to spend whatever he's got left with me. I am not a religious person, but when I met him I admired his convictions and I see how he's stopped caring. I believe he may be depressed and need some anger management counseling, but that's something I'm hoping to address while at couples counseling because it affects me too. Okay, so many issues going on. Primarily, this is a 22 yo acting like a spoiled whiny brat. Pretty typical for many 22 yo males, truth be told. Which is why they treat them like children. They often times act that way and are. The military is for grown ups, if he is not fit, mentally or physically, he can and probably will be discharged at some point. The military is either going to mature him or break him. Not much you can do about that at this point. They are his domme now. Were I you, I would use some tough love "Listen buddy, you are an adult and made an adult choice. Now it's time to start ACTING like an adult. Deal!" The reality is, that right now, you may be doing him more harm than good. He is trying to serve two mistresses and deal with his own personal shit. Perfect recipe for a mental breakdown. There is no simple fix, no easy answer. Tell him you love him and then tell him to deal. Regardless of his submission, regardless of his dedication to you, right now he belongs to mistress military. He is going to have to deal with his choice to serve her. It really is as simple as that.

SomethingCatchy -> RE: A subs problem with self control (4/28/2009 8:59:31 AM)
I hear what you're saying LT but this scenario of 'he's being a spoiled brat' doesn't apply here.

LaTigresse -> RE: A subs problem with self control (4/28/2009 9:06:18 AM)
Well that is what I got from your posts. If indeed it is not the case, then it doesn't apply. The basis of my reply remains. The military is his mistress right now. She decides how he needs to behave and what his boundaries and limitations are. The best you can do is support him and encourage him in serving her. Trying to give him ideas that are contradictory to that goal is only going to make his service more difficult. I would suggest he speak to his superiour officers. If that doesn't work, then a chaplain. If that doesn't work, get the mental help it appears he may need. But do it within the military structure. Right now, he is fighting the inevitable and turning to outside sources to cope. Neither is constructive.

LadyHibiscus -> RE: A subs problem with self control (4/28/2009 9:18:21 AM)
I am with LaT here. Being a Marine is a rough road, even if you are "born" to do that kind of thing. He needs to focus on being a good Marine, and doing what is expected of him, in the way that is required. If he can't, they'll boot him---and how will that affect him? Anger re-channeling (I am not liking that word "management" anymore!), meditation, centering, and having a handle on who he IS and where he is going are things that will help him. You might be his dominant, but you are not the primary force in his life right now, nor should you be. (with apologies to LadyPact, I think you know what I mean when I say that). As an atheist, I can't speak for the issues with god, but a chaplain certainly can. Honestly, it seems like self-control (and I gather we are meaning sexual?) is absolutely the least of his worries. Chill out, and stop the punishments. Enjoy your time together, perhaps only do vanilla things and avoid play at all. His time away from the job he hates should reduce his stress, not add to it.

chamberqueen -> RE: A subs problem with self control (4/28/2009 9:25:57 AM)
SomethingCatchy, I disagree about involving his superior officers yet. If he is already "afraid" then they can exacerbate the problem instead of helping. You mentioned that he feels that he is doing nothing for God. Having strong religious convictions and dealing with anger can often make a person feel guilty. I got a great book once on anger management and it made an interesting point that anger is used in the Bible over 800 times and the majority of those times it is in reference to God being angry. If he believes that God is perfect, as the Bible says, then that shows that it is not wrong to get angry. What is wrong is when that anger becomes destructive for no reason, or when it is turned inward and turns into depression. Every time he helps someone out, even with something as simple as giving a frazzled store clerk a smile instead of just looking impatient, he has just done something for God. You can help him by praising him when he does good for others, or is especially helpful to you. Since you seem willing to help him through this even though you are not religious you might even make an occasional comment like, "I'll bet God is smiling over what you just did". Meditation can help the anger, or giving him some type of punching bag (even a pillow) can help to relieve steam. Different things work for different people. One exercise that worked for me I picked up from a book years ago: allow yourself to be as angry as you want for 5 minutes, but 5 minutes only. Concentrate hard on that anger during that time but be ready to release it all when the time is up. You can't revisit it until the next day. While I tended to turn most of my anger inward and was ashamed of it and tried to hid it, I found that there were times when I felt I had righteous indignation over something. That 5 minute rule really helped me not to keep revisiting a problem I couldn't solve endlessly throughout the day. That might help him, too. If masturbation helps him to keep his emotions under control you might use reverse psychology and have him step it up for a few days. Have him masturbate four times a day for three days straight or something. Chances are he'll start to get sore and tire of it. Just some ideas. I admire that you want to help him through this. A counselor with anger management background would no doubt be the best but I can understand why he would hesitate to see one.

CatdeMedici -> RE: A subs problem with self control (4/28/2009 9:34:07 AM)
I have to agree with LaT---making life decisions, then carrying on because they aren't what your "fantasy" was by whining, pulling the whole angry poor me routine is acting like a 2 yr old. He volunteered, he wasn't drafted, no one held a gun to his head. We're talking about a discharge in 4.5 months? Oh PUHLEEZ And he hates the fact that he is expected to obey rules? Like everyone else? hmm I thought that was what the military was about, team work, uniform rules, etc. Your very admission that he can't make up his mind, flip flops around should be screaming volumes to you about his make-up. and I take umbrage at the generalization that " Marines are known for being violent people"-your police force has more anger issues on it than the Marines. I vote for a serious suck it up princess talk.

xxblushesxx -> RE: A subs problem with self control (4/28/2009 10:05:51 AM)
When I think of a marine, I never picture someone out of control. In fact, they're in control almost to a fault. (in a sexy, controlled, kinda way...)

amativedame -> RE: A subs problem with self control (4/28/2009 10:27:56 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SomethingCatchy These are all the problems that's lead up to this recent change in behavior. I'm sorry it's a bit jumbled. He is in the Marine corps, hates that he joined, he says that the choice to join completely destroyed his faith in himself to make good decisions (I've seen it ... he flip flops around because he can't make up his mind). His job is incredibly stressful and couple that with treating a 22 year old man who is maybe too mature for his age like a 10 year old, him being under constant threat that if he's even 13 minutes early instead of 15 minutes early to work they'll put him on 'house arrest' and he won't be allowed to have visitors or leave his barracks room unless it's for work (won't be allowed to see me for an indefinite period of time). He's looking at another month long deployment to California in May (leaving me, going off to work 12 on/12 off and coming back home to work 14-16 hour nights). Basically he really hates the military. He's recently started getting very angry, and I think it has to do with his job and the people he works with. Marines are well known for being violent people. He looses control to his anger and lashes out at whatever object is frustrating him. He gets frustrated very easily and emotional over it. He curses which is something he did not do when I met him. He has trouble controlling lustful thoughts. When I met him he was the first man ever who treated me like a human being and I believe him 100% when he's told me that he believes God wants him to be a sexually pure person. I really admired him for his self control over his body, but recently it's become harder and harder for him to not masturbate (a thing he was punished for, which he did NOT enjoy, and was actually afraid of masturbating for me on command). He's told me that he's upset with himself because he feels guilty for asking God for help when he's "not doing anything for God so why should he give me help?" I think he's feeling a bit lost because his job sucks up so much of his time, he sleeps 8 hours, and then wants to spend whatever he's got left with me. I am not a religious person, but when I met him I admired his convictions and I see how he's stopped caring. I believe he may be depressed and need some anger management counseling, but that's something I'm hoping to address while at couples counseling because it affects me too. I don't think this is a self-control issue as much as it is a coping issue. Clearly from what you say he's dealing with issues about being unhappy in the situation and isn't dealing it it well. "He's told me that he's upset with himself because he feels guilty" "the choice to join completely destroyed his faith in himself" "He's recently started getting very angry, and I think it has to do with his job and the people he works with." "He gets frustrated very easily and emotional over it." Do you see a pattern? He's facing emotional issues, and he is having issues dealing with it. I would think that his new behavior has a lot less to do with him not having impulse control and a lot more to do with him reaching his limit of dealing with things. Punishing him for his attempts to try to work with his situation isn't really going to help. If you actually want to help him, try and help him find new ways to cope... not just punishing him and telling him what not to do. When you are dealing with behavior, punishment is really the least effective tool you can use. If you want to try and be more productive, try positive reinforcement. Introduce him to new ways to deal with his sadness and anxiety. REWARD him when it uses those methods. Its going to be heck of a lot more productive then simply telling him what he cannot do instead of what he can do. Clearly he's already dealing with a lot, don't make his life harder by making it more complicated. Be supportive, not just another source of stress. (As an aside, I come from a family with several marines. I've known many of them and they are some of the sweetest and controlled guys I know. If this way a control issue, I'd say the marines would be a hell of a help to him and not being the source of it.)

LadyPact -> RE: A subs problem with self control (4/28/2009 10:56:40 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus I am with LaT here. Being a Marine is a rough road, even if you are "born" to do that kind of thing. He needs to focus on being a good Marine, and doing what is expected of him, in the way that is required. If he can't, they'll boot him---and how will that affect him? Anger re-channeling (I am not liking that word "management" anymore!), meditation, centering, and having a handle on who he IS and where he is going are things that will help him. You might be his dominant, but you are not the primary force in his life right now, nor should you be. (with apologies to LadyPact, I think you know what I mean when I say that). As an atheist, I can't speak for the issues with god, but a chaplain certainly can. Honestly, it seems like self-control (and I gather we are meaning sexual?) is absolutely the least of his worries. Chill out, and stop the punishments. Enjoy your time together, perhaps only do vanilla things and avoid play at all. His time away from the job he hates should reduce his stress, not add to it. I love that people love Me. No apologies needed, LH. SomethingCatchy, speaking as both a military wife and someone who has a military sub, I'm here to tell you, this ain't always easy. Heck, My guys like the military and it can still drive them nuts from time to time. Some people are cut out for it and some aren't. Unfortunately, you don't get to find out until you've already signed your life away for a couple of years. Both LaT and LH are right, by the way. It's time to start learning how to work hand in hand with Mistress Military instead of fighting her. Believe Me, she's bigger than you are, anyway. That couple's counseling that you mentioned should be gotten through military channels. First of all, it's one of his benefits and second they really are more qualified to deal with these kinds of problems than a private practitioner. Yes, this does affect you too, but don't be surprised if they also recommend some individual counseling for him on his own. From what you've written here, your boy has some underlying issues that he's going to have to deal with. I'd also have him talking to the Chaplain as was suggested. The problems that he's having between him and God are bigger than you, too. Part of being a good Dominant is about realizing those areas where we have power while recognizing those places that we don't. My advice to you is to take full advantage of the control that you really have, and both of you learn to accept the other entities that have control of him as well.

Lockit -> RE: A subs problem with self control (4/28/2009 11:26:33 AM)
Okay as soon as you mentioned the god thing, I saw a bigger problem with it all. He has set ideal's or standards he thinks he must go by that may or may not be realistic and will add to guilt and frustration. I see a much bigger picture than the military situation. I have seen more emotional problems coming from expectations and shame in religion than I care to count. If he was raised in a situation where any of this was used and not balanced... you could have a very serious problem until he thinks or processes things better. I would not be adding dominance to his life... but would quickly find someone I felt qualified to handle his root problems. The military and the sexual stuff is just manifesting from whatever root there is. They didn't start it... just eccellerated it all. Structure and expectations of seeking help... rather than quick medication! I have very strong views on medication. In the right situation it might be helpful, but and that is a big but... someone angry at that age can become worse on some of those medications. Plus... I think it is easier to throw some medication at them rather than help them process the root problems. In some cases medication is good, but I would try some other things first. Personally I think a time out might be in order and some time in a facility that would help him. I wouldn't take a chance with an angry explosion that might go too far. His errupting is a sign that he can't handle it and needs to find out why. If it is simply immaturity, I would be surprised. I think there is a deep root.

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