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Just because - 4/30/2009 5:23:06 AM   
LF4myMaster


Posts: 2
Joined: 4/25/2009
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i am very new to this, and have just started training.  i have had very strong submissive desires, dreams as long as i can remember, yet i have very strong personality in the regular world.

my problem is this, seems that the Dom i am working with expects me to be submissive "just because".  sort of I am Man, I am Dominate, you will be on your knees.  i dont feel dominated, i dont particularly feel submissive.  Now i find myself doing things wrong on purpose, just to see if i can push him into doing something.  i tried talking to Him about it, but He says then it must be me, i must not be a "true submissive".   Yet i feel not submissive but more a cheap cleaning service and sex toy.

Am i barking up the tree?  does this mean i have been wrong all this time and i am not submissive after all? 
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RE: Just because - 4/30/2009 5:28:04 AM   
CatdeMedici


Posts: 2257
Joined: 10/20/2008
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You need to sort out dreams from reality, the two seldom come together. Perhaps look at what submission should feel like to you if you could translate that dream into real scenarios, then go from there.
 
And in our dreams btw, we always have the perfect mate, there is never outside influences nagging at us, our minds are completely at one with what is happening...food for thought.

_____________________________

I am the Cat, holder of the whip and chair.

"Let's see-whips, dips, chains, chips, yep sounds like a party to Me!"

(in reply to LF4myMaster)
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RE: Just because - 4/30/2009 5:55:23 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline
I am heterosexual. That doesn't mean I want to have sex with every man I meet.

Same with D/s. I'm submissive but not every dom I meet makes me want to submit. Sounds like this dude just doesn't do it for you. Plus that "you're not a true sub" stuff makes me roll my eyes. Why not "You're not a true dom" since he just doesn't do it for you?

Blaming the other person for a lack of chemistry is rude, in the extreme. I would suggest you advise him to find someone truer and you take your time meeting and dating others until you do find someone who makes you feel submissive. He's out there, he just isn't this one.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to CatdeMedici)
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RE: Just because - 4/30/2009 6:02:44 AM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
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Lot's of people are not really submissive but enjoy the idea of being submissive, the same can be said for dominants.  I am not submissive "just because"; someone must inspire it from me.  You may still be influenced by your fantasy but to me it sounds like you didn't find the right match.
Kyst

(in reply to LF4myMaster)
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RE: Just because - 4/30/2009 6:02:45 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
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You're not compatible with him.  End of story.  Try someone else.

He sounds like a train wreck from your brief description.  He evidently views D/s as physical acts and not a mindset.  He's the Dom, it's his responsibility to set that mindset.  And a Dom who blames a sub 100% for a compatibility problem is not a Dom at all.

There's a nurturing component to some D/s relationships, and it sounds like that might be the missing ingredient for you.






_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to DesFIP)
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RE: Just because - 4/30/2009 6:04:38 AM   
AngelGeena


Posts: 1324
Joined: 10/17/2008
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I got a random message from a Dom yesterday that said as a sub I should be clean shaven and willing to be pierced.  Don't let other peoples expectations define you.  Figure out who you are and what you want and go from there.

_____________________________

Owned heart and soul, bound to MZ forever.

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RE: Just because - 4/30/2009 6:13:14 AM   
lilmissdefiant


Posts: 666
Joined: 4/17/2008
Status: offline
being a submissive doesn't mean you have to fit into a box. Take me for instance, most of the "on your knees" messages I get I reply with a kind "fuck you"
Don't be someone's puppet, write down on a piece of paper what you think submission is and see if it really is you.
Submission is what you make of it, same goes with dominance


_____________________________

Change what you can and accept what you can't.
He came to me one night. Explored my body, licked, sucked, swallowed! When satisfied, he left & I was hurt!!... Fu*king mosquito!

Resident Thread Killer

(in reply to AngelGeena)
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RE: Just because - 4/30/2009 7:13:21 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
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From: United States
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

You're not compatible with him.  End of story.  Try someone else.

And a Dom who blames a sub 100% for a compatibility problem is not a Dom at all.

Steven is absolutely right.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to DarkSteven)
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RE: Just because - 4/30/2009 7:54:37 AM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

...does this mean i have been wrong all this time and i am not submissive after all?... 


everyone doesn't experience submission the same way.
 
some folks like to use the "true" and "not true" labels to differentiate between their personal definition/ experience and another's.
 
this slave prefers to refer to it as individual differences, instead.

(in reply to LF4myMaster)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Just because - 4/30/2009 8:31:55 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline
'You are not a true submissive' is the standard response of someone who has no ability to dominate an individual.  It's a bit of exasperation really.  It simply indicates you are not compatable together.  Chalk it up to an experience and move on.  I know it's difficult at the best of times to be without a dominant, but better to be without someone, than with someone who makes you feel unable to submit.
 
Don't doubt yourself and what you are capable of purely on an incompatability issue.
 
the.dark.

_____________________________


RC&dc


love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to LF4myMaster)
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RE: Just because - 4/30/2009 9:19:12 AM   
RealSub58


Posts: 1073
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DarkSteven hit the nail on the head. The End.

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

You're not compatible with him.  End of story.  Try someone else.

He sounds like a train wreck from your brief description.  He evidently views D/s as physical acts and not a mindset.  He's the Dom, it's his responsibility to set that mindset.  And a Dom who blames a sub 100% for a compatibility problem is not a Dom at all.

There's a nurturing component to some D/s relationships, and it sounds like that might be the missing ingredient for you.






(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Just because - 4/30/2009 9:26:57 AM   
tiinkerbell


Posts: 96
Status: offline
quote:

my problem is this, seems that the Dom i am working with expects me to be submissive "just because".  sort of I am Man, I am Dominate, you will be on your knees.

You mean to tell me that we are supposed to be on our knees? Oh man, so that's what I have been doing wrong. Who would have known
 
Seriously, as Mercnbeth stated
quote:

  everyone doesn't experience submission the same way.


and as DarkSteven stated
quote:

  You're not compatible with him.  End of story

it would seem appearant that the two of you are just not compatible with each other; something that is going to happen more often than not. Don't let it get you down though; being incompatible with one does not mean that you are with the rest.
I wish you the best
 
Allison

(in reply to LF4myMaster)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Just because - 4/30/2009 9:34:43 AM   
Carnae7


Posts: 72
Joined: 11/29/2008
Status: offline
Wow!! You've gotten some great information here. As another truly strong woman, and REAL submissive, (hahaha) I have found that I needed to find what truly made me WANT to submit to a Dom.

For me, the first thing is intelligence!!! I am a verrry intelligent woman (not trying to toot my own horn, this just happens to be reality). So, if a Dom is not at least as intelligent as me, and preferably even more intelligent than me, I find it just does NOT work for me. If I know I can outsmart him even in my sleep.... I find I just cannot RESPECT him.

And that's the second thing. If I cannot respect him, then I cannot, will not submit to him. For me it is just impossible!!!!!!

So, after these two points have been satisfied, Then I need to know that he RESPECTS ME, and the gift of my submission. I am NOT A SLAVE!!!! I make this point very clear in the beginning. I am a submissive. And I will only submit to someone I can respect and who will also respect me.

And the really great news is that when all these came together for me, submission was the easiest thing for me to do!!! And I took great pride in doing so. In fact, I just couldn't do enough for my Dom!! The bad news is other things conspired against us, so that we could not be together. But we are still really close emotionally.

And another thing, for me personally, I am not going to ever be someone's cleaning service!!!!! For me this is a I have too much other stuff - fun stuff - to do with my life, than be forever cleaning. I believe that if we're together, then we can both clean the damn house.

So maybe you really need to clarify for yourself where you stand on some issues. Being submissive, does not mean you check your brain at the door. As I often tell some of the idiots who write to me, "I AM SUBMISSIVE, NOT STUPID!!"

And if this means I stay single longer, so be it. I am not going to settle for something less. Been there, done that. Even bought the damn T-shirt!

_____________________________


How far is Heaven? Only as far away as my Master.

(in reply to RCdc)
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RE: Just because - 4/30/2009 9:50:36 AM   
hopeful68


Posts: 77
Joined: 9/16/2008
Status: offline
A Dominant should inspire submission, it needs to be freely given, not demanded or taken.  If he dosnt inspire this reaction from you.. move on.  I too am a strong woman, and have found that many "Dominants" do not have what it takes, or do not take the time, to get to that special place in my mind/heart.  You are more then a cum dumpster if you want to be. 

(in reply to Carnae7)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Just because - 4/30/2009 9:51:23 AM   
barelynangel


Posts: 6233
Status: offline
My submission is a reaction to dominance and mastery by a Man - he needs to take my submission and my autonomy through mastery and enslavement.  I NEED to be mastered by a Man - sorry anything less will result in a very unhappy me whose needs are screaming to be fed and i won't stick around because i will be able to walk away.   His hold has to be such that i cannot walk away even if i feel i want too.  If he wants me to be submissive to him just because he states he is Master or in your case Dom, i probably won't be sticking around long and will seek out what i need from a Man -- mastery.  If he is incapable of proving to me he owns me through HIS actions and yeah its a very physical concept sometimes, and its also emotional and mental, i won't stick around long. 

Men have different degrees of which they wish to master a woman or dominate them and they have expectations and standards.  If you need more than he is willing to put out for your submission to be a result and exist without your mastering yourself, then perhaps this man isn't the Dom or Master you NEED or are seeking.  He may be a great guy, he may work really well with a woman who nature is to please and whose nature is naturally submissive to OTHERS, however, it appears you need to REACT to something in order for your submission to exist. Don't start the whole this guys a jerk idea in your head, its not worth it and simply is silly.  He may believe his way of training you is working fine.  HAVE you spoken to him about how you feel?  Instead of trying to manipulate the situation? 

This seriously isn't a fault of the guys or yours, its simply means you both may have hooked up with people who aren't feeding your needs.  I would 1 talk to him about it before you start being resentful, and 2) really look into yourself and determine what it is you NEED from a Man.  If you need a Man to take you by the hair and force you to submit -- then that's what you need FROM a Man.  This concept is what MANY people who are slaves and some submissives i would imagine, do live within.  Its called mastery and HOW it is accomplished really depends on the Man and the reactions of the woman to same.  Each person has to find what works for them, some women would easily exist in this Man's hold and her needs will be fed, yourself maybe not so much.  

Don't feel ackward or unsure, not every slave or submissive out there is because of different types out there -- the i live to please or their natural inclination to PEOPLE in general is a submissive reaction or be submissive just because someone says i should be are fine and dandy for certain types, many are out there as instinctive REACTIONS to mastery of someone else and are not naturally submissive in general - (grins hint many slaves out there have rather dominant personalities and they exist quite happily as slaves of Men), which means it takes more than a guy saying being submissive is this and you need to master yourself into accomplishing this -- sometimes, it does take a Man's rough and tumble mastery of  you to be able to exhale and simply BE with him.  There is nothing wrong with this, its simply what your needs are.  Don't try and make yourself into what you believe is a correct submissive, let yourself react and you will find it a lot less complicated.

Don't let the this is what is correct submission actions get in the way of knowing your needs and being aware and unashamed of them.  I could care less if a Man respects me -- many times the respect of a Man for me would hinder his mastery of me because i would take FULL advantage of same and attempt to manipulate him.   I don't go for the sweet and nicely respected slavery or submission, i need a Man who is strong and capable of slamming me to my knees IF that is what i need at that time, i need a Man capable of holding me through mastery and enslavement because if he expects me to hold myself in slavery lol i would not be happy and eventually will seek what i need.  And my slavery and submission to a Man is NOT a gift, its something he has determined he will have from me and through mastery and enslavement will achieve because his will is greater than my own.  

If you start this early on allowing other people to define for you what your slavery or submission should be like, you are hurting yourself, because this has NOTHING to do with other people, it has to do with you and your needs.  If you start denying your needs to become politically correct so people don't look at you aghast at what your needs are, you will continue and more than likely forever deny them and if that's the case you may as well stop now.  Don't be afraid of your needs, for they are the only thing that will lead you correctly into your natural place with a Man in this type of dynamic. 



angel

< Message edited by barelynangel -- 4/30/2009 10:03:57 AM >


_____________________________


What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
R.W. Emerson


(in reply to Carnae7)
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RE: Just because - 4/30/2009 9:54:14 AM   
lusciouslips19


Posts: 9792
Joined: 9/8/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LF4myMaster


i am very new to this, and have just started training.  i have had very strong submissive desires, dreams as long as i can remember, yet i have very strong personality in the regular world.

my problem is this, seems that the Dom i am working with expects me to be submissive "just because".  sort of I am Man, I am Dominate, you will be on your knees.  i dont feel dominated, i dont particularly feel submissive.  Now i find myself doing things wrong on purpose, just to see if i can push him into doing something.  i tried talking to Him about it, but He says then it must be me, i must not be a "true submissive".   Yet i feel not submissive but more a cheap cleaning service and sex toy.

Am i barking up the tree?  does this mean i have been wrong all this time and i am not submissive after all? 



Whenever a dominant pulls out the "you must not be a true submissive" card, I think he isnt a "true dominant" but some kid living in his mamas basement doming in cyberspace where he is king cause really he is just a wet behind the ears mammas boy.

_____________________________

Original Pimpette,
Keeper of Original Home Flag and Fire of Mr. Lance Hughes
Charter member of Lance's Fag Hags,
Member of the Subbie Mafia
Princess of typos and it's my prerogative

(in reply to LF4myMaster)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Just because - 4/30/2009 10:00:56 AM   
OmegaG


Posts: 1474
Joined: 10/23/2007
Status: offline
Before I joined this sight and I was a memeber of several plain ol' dating sites I would get men who e-mailed me and devoted their love for me almost immediately and want to talk about the future, marriage, happily ever after almost right off the bat.  When I would put on the breaks and tell them that I wanted to know a person before I started thinking about those kinds of long term plans, I was called a player, told tha I wasn't serious about dating and that I was a cold-hearted bitch that would wind up a lonely old spinster because I didn't swoon at his feet.

It happens everywhere, there are some people that are so desperate to have a partnership, reagardless of the dynamic, that they rush in without common sense and when the results aren't what they hoped they use insults and attempts at guilt trips to change the persons paradigm.

To be called fake is basically their attempt to manipulate you to their will.  If  they have to resort to manipulaion then I'd think they have to revisit their effictiveness as a Dom.

_____________________________


Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable. Sydney J. Harris

Sex without pain is like food without taste.
- de Sade

(in reply to hopeful68)
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RE: Just because - 4/30/2009 10:08:21 AM   
lusciouslips19


Posts: 9792
Joined: 9/8/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OmegaG

Before I joined this sight and I was a memeber of several plain ol' dating sites I would get men who e-mailed me and devoted their love for me almost immediately and want to talk about the future, marriage, happily ever after almost right off the bat.  When I would put on the breaks and tell them that I wanted to know a person before I started thinking about those kinds of long term plans, I was called a player, told tha I wasn't serious about dating and that I was a cold-hearted bitch that would wind up a lonely old spinster because I didn't swoon at his feet.

It happens everywhere, there are some people that are so desperate to have a partnership, reagardless of the dynamic, that they rush in without common sense and when the results aren't what they hoped they use insults and attempts at guilt trips to change the persons paradigm.

To be called fake is basically their attempt to manipulate you to their will.  If  they have to resort to manipulaion then I'd think they have to revisit their effictiveness as a Dom.


Whenever they did that to me, I tell them I have no money and they will not get any money from me.

_____________________________

Original Pimpette,
Keeper of Original Home Flag and Fire of Mr. Lance Hughes
Charter member of Lance's Fag Hags,
Member of the Subbie Mafia
Princess of typos and it's my prerogative

(in reply to OmegaG)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Just because - 4/30/2009 10:11:40 AM   
OmegaG


Posts: 1474
Joined: 10/23/2007
Status: offline
I'm talking about people that I met in person and confirmed that they were not Nigerian scammers.  There are alot of desperate men out there that want more then anything to be married again, possible more then women our age.

_____________________________


Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable. Sydney J. Harris

Sex without pain is like food without taste.
- de Sade

(in reply to lusciouslips19)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Just because - 4/30/2009 10:29:16 AM   
stella41b


Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline
One of the clearest signs you can ever have of an asshole talking is when you hear the adjectives 'real' and 'true' coupled with either 'dominant' or 'submissive'.

You can be anyone and everyone you like, as and when you like, with whom you like, for as long as you like.

It's called individuality. It's what makes you human, and is one of the most desirable qualities in these sorts of relationships.


_____________________________

CM's Resident Lyricist
also Facebook
http://stella.baker.tripod.com/
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(in reply to LF4myMaster)
Profile   Post #: 20
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