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Unwanted - 2/3/2006 9:09:52 AM

devoted2u

Posts: 20
Joined: 2/26/2004
Status: offline

Ok, I am going to make a big generalization.
Most (99%) of the Mistresses/Dommes i have messaged in the past have NEVER replied to me. i always make sure i write politely and around one or two paragraphs, to show that i take my time, but still, i never receive any replies.

Same works on yahoo messenger. After adding few Mistresses from Yahoo Profiles, i send them message, yet i never receive a reply, even though they are online. Even if they say hi, they stop talking.

This is a serious pattern, i am not talking about 10 or 20 messages, i am talking about 100 or so.
i am 19.
Could it be because of my age? Do i sound rude? Why do i feel so unwanted?

Post #: 1

RE: Unwanted - 2/3/2006 9:26:58 AM

KarbonCopy

Posts: 779
Status: offline

You cant just walk into a bar and expect every woman to want to go home with you man.

_____________________________

I am KarbonCopy's signature

(in reply to devoted2u)

Post #: 2

RE: Unwanted - 2/3/2006 9:36:11 AM

MistressFire70

Posts: 378
Joined: 7/25/2004
From: North Carolina
Status: offline

Quite a few Fem Doms, me included, find it rude that a total stranger would IM them without permission. Even ruder is to be added to your list without even an introduction. you wouldn't call me up out of the blue on the phone, would you? Try sending emails first....or, if you insist on IMing, make the first thing that comes out of your mouth (or keyboard) a question about what is the best way to contact them.

And, remember, not everyone is going to like you or be interested in you. This is true no matter who you are, Ds or vanilla, man or woman, etc. etc.

Fire

_____________________________

you have come to a great chasm. Jump. It's not as wide as you think.

(in reply to devoted2u)

Post #: 3

RE: Unwanted - 2/3/2006 10:26:26 AM

seaturtle50

Posts: 382
Joined: 12/28/2005
Status: offline

Hi devoted2u,

Hmmmm, this is an interesting post. Before i say anything ... know that i reserve the right to be absolutely wrong about what i say!

First, i noticed that you do not have a profile. you may wish to invest some time creating one, speaking there about yourself, and the valuable gifts that you think you can offer a Domina. This gives them a chance to look at you a bit more closely if they are thinking about possibly responding to you. i would think that no profile could serve to eliminate some responses that you may have otherwise received.

You mention "even if they say hi - they stop talking" i suggest you take a good look at the point or places where the conversation ends. Does it seem to always be at the same point? What are you discussing then? Is there something there that could be considered a red flag to a potential Domme? you might consider taking a good hard look at that. (note: to some degree self honesty is an art, and is only accomplished via a deep desire to find the truth, and willingness to face it, whatever it may be).

The patternization - if a practiced pattern of actions is not getting you the results that you chose - change. You may need to change everything except your name (or in this case maybe even your name

) Gauge and adjust your "process" till you are getting the desired results. This is true in all areas of goal setting, and life.

In some cases it is likely your age. In others it is not. Age is likely not the factor. There is someone for everyone <actually many someone’s for everyone.> It takes all kinds of cars to fill the thruway. It may be best for you to focus and present those aspects of yourself that are interesting and compelling. That you think can add value to the lives of those you seek. If you are "too young" for some, do not take that personally. That is just the way it is for those "some" - others are actually looking for your specific age.

i cannot tell if you "sound rude" generally speaking, as this is the only communication from you that i have ever seen. In this one, no - you do not come off as rude in any way.

This last question is for you alone to answer. "Why do i feel so unwanted" It is an interesting question. The answers to it (when one ask’s it of oneself) will most likely all give a feeling of disempowerment (not necessarily a bad thing for a sub) but also not likely the best thing for one in your current position.

You may wish to consider changing your questions. Ask yourself better, more empowering questions that head you more towards your eventual goal than away from it. For example, when i am feeling down (alone, aloneness, lonely, unwanted, not good enough, not worthy, less than) i play a game <a mind trick if you will>. Whenever anyone does anything even remotely nice to me - i ask myself questions like: Why is everyone nice to me? Why do people always hold the door for me? Why is everyone smiling at me? The answers that my brain will feed me in regard to these type questions will cause me to be uplifted, rather than further dejected.

Remember - people always pick up on your "vibe." Even online. If you have a spirit of being valuable to yourself, they usually find that attractive. If one is down on themselves this is also usually easily picked up on. The results of the latter may not help you to fulfill your desire.

The interesting thing is - this "game" does not require any additional work on your part. Your brain is already asking the questions. This is just about consciously choosing which questions it asks. Choosing only questions that cause you to feel more empowered, and more valuable to yourself. That is – questions that head you towards your decided ultimate goal <on purpose>.

There are of course, hundreds of potential reasons why one may feel "so unwanted." i have only touched on one possible scenario - and one potential tool that you may chose to use to change the net result.

Let me know if you want to "talk" more. ps: I'll end this by telling you a secret - You are NOT unwanted - it just currently seems like it to you.

When all else fails - HAVE FUN

st50

< Message edited by seaturtle50 -- 2/3/2006 10:29:47 AM >

_____________________________

i want to be your ... #1 lowest common denominator.

Destiny happens in a moment ... in the blink of an eye.

(in reply to devoted2u)

Post #: 4

RE: Unwanted - 2/3/2006 11:25:01 AM

dave1212

Posts: 158
Joined: 1/2/2006
From: Lancashire UK
Status: offline

Hello and Welcome devoted2u,

I would have to agree with seaturtle50 !!

If you read the forums you will find many people on site all looking for a similar thing !!

These things take time ! The best you can do apart from heeding the advice from all on here is "BE" patient !!!

May sound a little obvious but unfortunatley that is the way it is !!

There is no need to feel unwanted as i'm sure that is not the case !!

Good luck !

_____________________________

~Discomfort, endlessly has pulled itself upon me~
~Distracting/reacting~
~Against my will i stand beside my own reflection~
~It's haunting how i can't seem to find myself again..
"Linkin Park"
TSR-560-087-333

(in reply to seaturtle50)

Post #: 5

RE: Unwanted - 2/3/2006 3:01:02 PM

devoted2u

Posts: 20
Joined: 2/26/2004
Status: offline

Great points people, but let’s not jump into conclusions without analyzing the premises.

KarbonCopy – i never said i want every woman to walk home with me.
MistressFire – i didn’t add Her to any lists. You can message people on yahoo without adding them. As for asking them for permission or a way to contact them, well I guess putting a public profile with the email address means “Here is my email, but don’t message me without a persmission”. What else are public profiles for, especially with stated email address? I just find it weird that Dommes don’t respond to emails, or messages on collarme. Even when at the end, my every email says “I’d like to talk to you, and see weather you would be interested to know me better.”

But my main point is not about yahoo, but actual messages here on collarme.

Seaturtle50 – I do have a profile. Go to collarme and type my nick in the search, it doesn’t work if you click it through here. But let me know if that doesn’t work.

As for everything else, I agree with you. The problem is, there is no pattern. I am not talking about conversation with Dommes, I am talking about initial responses – getting the first response, getting them to talk with you. I have never talked to a Domme, therefore how can I know what is the “red flag”, when there isn’t anything to put red flag on?
But from the phsychological perspective, you are right. I have to be positive to myself to make me feel better, and if I put myself down, others will too. Well in vanilla life I am not necessarily unwanted, I actually pretty happy in vanilla life.

But my argument is specific for this lifestyle only. I am beginner who wants to learn by experience, and now that I want in, noone is here to show me way, or even talk to me. I have read the books and respect + slow approach are necessary, but I don’t feel respected when I never get a reply.

But even there, I think you may be right. Everyone is different, and it takes time. I’ve only been sending messages for a year, and perhaps that’s not long enough to get a response to talk.
Overall, thanks for giving me some hope.

And Dave1212 – Thanks. I am glad I am not the only one.

(in reply to dave1212)

Post #: 6

RE: Unwanted - 2/3/2006 3:38:56 PM

veronicaofML

Posts: 1317
Joined: 11/19/2005
From: from iowa..now in wisconsin
Status: offline

you wouldn't call me up out of the blue on the phone, would you?
----------

i dont know about THAT young man...
but i know "I" STILL do...whenever i get a chance.
i was born to be bold.
pappy told me, ya aint gettin nothing in life, sittin on yer butt wishing...get up and do something boy,..right or wrong but DO ====SOMETHING!!!
so if a man being bold is a turn off to some Lady,..ah well. i am the one, in the spur of a moment,..i may see Ya somewhere's...and buy a single flower and walk it right over to Ya...

ah well.
some of us are more guts than brains.

be well

_____________________________

drugs sex and rock n roll,...drugs are good and so is the rock n roll, sex is over rated"
=============
"go straight to hell, do not pass go and do not collect $200"

(in reply to MistressFire70)

Post #: 7

RE: Unwanted - 2/3/2006 3:41:41 PM

FTopinMichigan

Posts: 571
Joined: 7/5/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: devoted2u

Ok, I am going to make a big generalization.
Most (99%) of the Mistresses/Dommes i have messaged in the past have NEVER replied to me.
<snip>
i am 19.
Could it be because of my age? Do i sound rude? Why do i feel so unwanted?

I would make the 99%. I would not "chat" with a 19 year old that messaged me on CM or elsewhere. If it was someone that had established themselves in this Message Forum, by posting regularly, it might be a consideration, by generally speaking....I find that the I'd be robbing the craddle. Twentyone and over is my rule for responding to an IM/PM.

K

(in reply to devoted2u)

Post #: 8

RE: Unwanted - 2/3/2006 3:55:49 PM

devoted2u

Posts: 20
Joined: 2/26/2004
Status: offline

veronicaofML -

Ya made me laugh. I am glad you share my opinion, at least in the sense that it is necessary to show yourself, otherwise noone is gonna se ya. It's not very submissive like, but Mistresses sure ain't gonna come up to us, at least most of 'em won't.

FTopinMichigan - I am glad you shared your opinion with us, because if it's my age that is turning off most Mistresses, then at least I know I'll have a chance later in life. Thanks alot for stating your opinion. :)

(in reply to FTopinMichigan)

Post #: 9

RE: Unwanted - 2/3/2006 3:56:16 PM

Arpig

Posts: 9930
Joined: 1/3/2006
From: Increasingly further from reality
Status: offline

You know, it just occured to me, 19 may be legally underage where you are, or where the women are. That may indeed be a consideration.

_____________________________

Big man! Pig Man!
Ha Ha...Charade you are!

Why do they leave out the letter b on "Garage Sale" signs?

CM's #1 All-Time Also-Ran

(in reply to FTopinMichigan)

Post #: 10

RE: Unwanted - 2/3/2006 4:01:09 PM

seaturtle50

Posts: 382
Joined: 12/28/2005
Status: offline

quote:

I’ve only been sending messages for a year, and perhaps that’s not long enough to get a response to talk.

Um ... yes, a year is certainly long enough to expect a response. You describe a patient young man.

st50

_____________________________

i want to be your ... #1 lowest common denominator.

Destiny happens in a moment ... in the blink of an eye.

(in reply to FTopinMichigan)

Post #: 11

RE: Unwanted - 2/3/2006 4:05:32 PM

devoted2u

Posts: 20
Joined: 2/26/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Arpig

You know, it just occured to me, 19 may be legally underage where you are, or where the women are. That may indeed be a consideration.

It's 18 for adultery here in BC, and 19 for alcohol consumption. Some clubs however, require the age of 21. Maybe the general feeling is that 21 is the minimum age.

(in reply to Arpig)

Post #: 12

RE: Unwanted - 2/3/2006 4:06:52 PM

IrishMist

Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline

quote:

Most (99%) of the Mistresses/Dommes i have messaged in the past have NEVER replied to me. i always make sure i write politely and around one or two paragraphs, to show that i take my time, but still, i never receive any replies.

How are you wording your initial messages? Give me an example please? And no, I am not doing this to slam you...but more on the grounds of seeing what you may be doing wrong.

quote:

After adding few Mistresses from Yahoo Profiles, i send them message, yet i never receive a reply, even though they are online. Even if they say hi, they stop talking

Well, even though I am a submissive...if I was to receive an IM or message out of the blue...I would ignore it also.

quote:

Could it be because of my age? Do i sound rude? Why do i feel so unwanted?

It could be your age...or it could be that you just SOUND immature when you message someone. Again, please give an example of what you say.

_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.

(in reply to devoted2u)

Post #: 13

RE: Unwanted - 2/3/2006 4:15:19 PM

devoted2u

Posts: 20
Joined: 2/26/2004
Status: offline

Here is an example of one of the many emails I sent:

Hi Mistress Alanna,

How are You?

i just saw Your profile, and i don't know where to start.
i don't want to write too much at once, or too little, as both cases are either inadequate or overcrowded.

Therefore, i am simply going to say that i am a humble, simple, submissive/slave. Unlike most vanilla people, i am simple and i never ask for much. As a matter of fact, i don't like to ask. i like being told what to do, especially by someone who knows what they want. And You Mistress, sounds like You know what You want.

i want to live for You. i want to look forward to worhshipping You and being disciplined by You. i want to make You happy. That's all i'll want from You, because what really matters is what You want.

i cannot describe why i am worthy of serving You, because worthiness cannot be measured, especially not in words. All i can say, is that i'll do whatever it takes to make You happy. And only You Mistress, know what makes You happy.
i am Young, and i have only a little experience, but i am very willing to learn.
If You wish, we can arrange for a professional session before You can consider me for R\T.

Please let me know.

mark

(in reply to IrishMist)

Post #: 14

RE: Unwanted - 2/3/2006 4:22:23 PM

BeachMystress

Posts: 2156
Joined: 4/3/2004
From: Naples Island- Long Beach CA - Southern California
Status: offline

Devoted, your age is a huge problem for many Domme. We've learned over a period of time that most people that young are not overly sure of what they want. Add to that the fact that most come to their Dominance later in life (after 30) and you have a generational gap that many are not willing to bridge. If a Domme is seeking a life partner or long term relationship, she's most likely going to choose someone within a few years of her age.

Youth often means inexperience. Even though you may be totally serious about wanting to serve, if you've not done it before you don't know how you're going to react to your first session. Most subs have a period of adjustment to giving their ego up and letting someone else rule them. Personally, I'll never again take a sub who hasn't served before. I'm sorry, but it is way too much drama. This could be another factor standing in your way.

And sea turtle raises some good questions. And after viewing your profile, I can see why some back off from you. You self describe as a slave and many feel that is pretentious of an untried submissive. You may want to change the wording to read you WANT to be a slave to someone. Also, you sound too needy. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but you sound as if you really do need help getting your feet under you. Very few Domme are attracted to men who seem "wishy washy." We're often looking for men who are strong and confidant in their own lives. There is no joy for most of us in a man who would grovel at any foot. We may be Domme, but we are still women and if we're not special to you, we're not interested in you. I suggest you gain a better understanding of Domme and what they want, so you can mold yourself into that person. I'm not telling you to change yourself in a way that is not comfortable for yourself, but to find the comfort zone between the natural you and what the women want.

To better understand how to approach a Domme, you may want to read:
http://www.femalesincontrol.com/courtship.htm
http://gloria-brame.com/domidea/dompoe.htm
http://www.leathernroses.com/submission/subtraits.htm
You can find more learning resources on http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Beachs_Dominion/links/Submissive_informati_001129965338/

As for the lack of experience, you may want to get the book Training with Miss Abernathy: a workbook for erotic slaves and their owners. It is designed to be a self directed training program for unowned subs/slaves.

And finally, not all women on this site who claim to be Domme are. Are you shocked? LoL. We have as many bored housewives on this site as we do horny ole men just looking for a blow job. One of the constants in the women who won't talk to you, is that YOU are choosing them. I know it is hard to distinguish between someone who is getting an erotic thrill and someone who is truly active as a Domme. I will give you a few links to women I know are active Dommes. Perhaps you'll figure out a way to tell from reading a profile who to start contacting. The fact that I've listed their profiles does not mean I know the women well, if at all. It means I know they are active in the local scene (I've seen them playing at local dungeons) and do keep subs. Please don't go pestering them, they are listed for informational purposes only.
http://www.collarme.com/bdsm/v/18188/default.htm
http://www.collarme.com/bdsm/v/86170/default.htm
http://www.collarme.com/bdsm/v/62251/default.htm
http://www.collarme.com/bdsm/v/170850/default.htm
http://www.collarme.com/bdsm/v/86171/default.htm
http://www.collarme.com/bdsm/v/180028/default.htm
http://www.collarme.com/bdsm/v/34814/default.htm
http://www.collarme.com/bdsm/v/67697/q/mshoney/default.htm
http://www.collarme.com/bdsm/v/237083/default.htm
http://www.collarme.com/bdsm/o/100/v/34138/default.htm
http://www.collarme.com/bdsm/o/150/v/74898/default.htm
http://www.collarme.com/bdsm/o/175/v/18183/default.htm
http://www.collarme.com/bdsm/v/54325/default.htm

I do want you to notice that a lot of those women in the links are seeking. Why? Because it is hard as hell to find a sub who meets a Domme's needs. Prior to finding the boy I collared and married, I had given up that the type of sub I sought- one who actually put aside his ego to take care of my needs and wishes- didn't exist. It isn't only subs who are frustrated at finding a partner. Finding someone who meets your idea of what a Domme or sub is, is often a long tedious process fraught with kissing a lot of toads. Some do get lucky. My husband was in the scene all of three months when I snapped him up. But I was experienced enough to recognize a true pleaser when I met him. And more important, we were lucky enough to have the chemistry to not only sustain a D/s relationship, but a life commitment.

And the last reason that some of those women are ignoring you? BDSM is in the process of going "mainstream" and we have a lot of newer practitioners. Some of them have yet to figure out that Domme doesn't equal bitch, and are trying to live up to the fictionalized Domme you guys put in your stories. For a lot of women, that is their biggest role model of being Domme.

Hang in there, educate yourself and find a local munch group to satisfy your need for BDSM companionship while you wait for your Lady in Shining Armor. What's a munch you ask? Go read

_____________________________

Beach Mystress
*Do not threaten the weak. Intimidate the strong. ~ Stevenson*
http://beachmystress.jigsy.com
http://www.flickr.com/photos/beachmystress/

(in reply to devoted2u)

Post #: 15

RE: Unwanted - 2/3/2006 4:37:31 PM

IrishMist

Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline

Devoted...please do not take this in a bad way...I am only going to comment on what you have posted here

First off...what many have already said holds true...your age is going to be a stumbling block for the simple reason that many that young have yet to realize what they really want.

quote:

How are You?

i just saw Your profile, and i don't know where to start.
i don't want to write too much at once, or too little, as both cases are either inadequate or overcrowded.

This opening statement, while very polite and nice...also gives the impression of hesitancy...as if you are unsure of where you stand.

quote:

Therefore, i am simply going to say that i am a humble, simple, submissive/slave. Unlike most vanilla people, i am simple and i never ask for much. As a matter of fact, i don't like to ask. i like being told what to do, especially by someone who knows what they want. And You Mistress, sounds like You know what You want.

Ok...first...why would you compare yourself to a vanilla? Second...how do you know what she wants? Did you read her profile in depth? Did you comment on something in it that made your knees go weak?

quote:

want to live for You. i want to look forward to worhshipping You and being disciplined by You. i want to make You happy. That's all i'll want from You, because what really matters is what You want.

There are lots of " I WANT'S " in here. It's not about what you want. At all. It's about WHAT YOU CAN DO FOR HIM/HER.

Last of all...there is nothing there to tell the Domina what you can offer...???? And I know that the lack of experience is a big drawback...but tell them what you can offer them.

Again, please remember that this is coming from a submissives PoV...I am sure the many wonderful Mistresses here will correct anything in here that they see as being wrong

_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.

(in reply to devoted2u)

Post #: 16

RE: Unwanted - 2/3/2006 4:39:46 PM

BeachMystress

Posts: 2156
Joined: 4/3/2004
From: Naples Island- Long Beach CA - Southern California
Status: offline

oh boy, something to crique. *tries to be gentle*

First of all, if you can't describe your worthiness, you're probably not worthy. Have some pride in yourself and your accomplishments. Do you cook? Are you handy around the house? WHY should she pay any attention to you? If you don't know your own worth, go get a self help book designed to help you figure it out. Most of us don't want a pathetic door mat.

quote:

i want to live for You. i want to look forward to worhshipping You and being disciplined by You. i want to make You happy. That's all i'll want from You, because what really matters is what You want.

While you feel you've just given the person carte blanche, you told her that you will worship her and she will discipline you. Maybe she doesn't want either of those. Be careful of the language you use.

Good luck!

_____________________________

Beach Mystress
*Do not threaten the weak. Intimidate the strong. ~ Stevenson*
http://beachmystress.jigsy.com
http://www.flickr.com/photos/beachmystress/

(in reply to devoted2u)

Post #: 17

RE: Unwanted - 2/3/2006 4:47:52 PM

veronicaofML

Posts: 1317
Joined: 11/19/2005
From: from iowa..now in wisconsin
Status: offline

somebody just amswer ONE important question...........................

if MOST dommes dont want a male subbie over 50,..and everyone complains this guy is a mere 19...

yo'kay
someone just tell me

WHEN IN HELL IS THE RIGHT AGE?
sure. this guy doesnt my years of evperience

but i dont have his youth and zeal
so

what is the RIGHT age?

ok
i'm off my soapbox
thanks

_____________________________

drugs sex and rock n roll,...drugs are good and so is the rock n roll, sex is over rated"
=============
"go straight to hell, do not pass go and do not collect $200"

(in reply to BeachMystress)

Post #: 18

RE: Unwanted - 2/3/2006 4:55:42 PM

devoted2u

Posts: 20
Joined: 2/26/2004
Status: offline

Wow. I am stunned.
I guess I was trying too hard to write "what I thought they wanted to hear"..... but I guess it's all about what I can offer?
As much as it sounds like "bargaining" and not a relationship, I'll be glad to go that way if that's what they want to hear.

But as for my skills, you are right, I am pretty useless. I mean, I am a university student who has never done any labour. I only have skills of analyzing data, but how is that going to help? Maybe this lifestyle is just not for younger people who haven't developed any skills yet. The only skill I have is to love, respect and be loyal.

But I am glad you said what you did. It made me realize that being a submissive or slave is NOT about submitting, but about promoting yourself, then submitting.
If you notice anything more, plase post.
Thanks

(in reply to BeachMystress)

Post #: 19

RE: Unwanted - 2/3/2006 5:18:01 PM

seaturtle50

Posts: 382
Joined: 12/28/2005
Status: offline

quote:

MOST dommes dont want a male subbie over 50

Oh - Oh - i only have 2 years left - better get busy!

_____________________________

i want to be your ... #1 lowest common denominator.

Destiny happens in a moment ... in the blink of an eye.

(in reply to devoted2u)

Post #: 20

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