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For those who have "come out" - 5/2/2009 5:07:06 PM

Danibelle

Posts: 94
Joined: 11/24/2008
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For those of you who have come out to your friends and family members, how did you go about doing so?

Most of my friends know I enjoy the bedroom kinky, but not my family.

I'd like to tell some of my family members and I'm not sure how to go about it. Should I just blurt it out: "Mom, I enjoy it when the boyfriend flogs me? Want to go to the craft store? I could use some supplies..."

To be fair, she's kind of open minded. The boyfriend got me an amazing vibrator for Christmas a couple of years ago and when my Mom asked me what he got me I was honest with her about it...

I guess I'm asking what worked for you and what didn't?

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Post #: 1

RE: For those who have "come out" - 5/2/2009 5:12:22 PM

GreedyTop

Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline

My mom saw the leather pride flag sticker on my truck. she asked about it. I told her, without going into detail. Of course, many of my mom's friends when I was growing up were Leathermen.

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Supreme Goddess of Snark
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Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to Danibelle)

Post #: 2

RE: For those who have "come out" - 5/2/2009 5:19:10 PM

Danibelle

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Joined: 11/24/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: GreedyTop

My mom saw the leather pride flag sticker on my truck. she asked about it. I told her, without going into detail. Of course, many of my mom's friends when I was growing up were Leathermen.

I guess I could let something like that slip and wait for a question...

Funny story: My Mom saw the "Republicans for Voldemort" sticker on my car and gave me a lecture about the republican party.

_____________________________

"To love another person is to see the face of God."

(in reply to GreedyTop)

Post #: 3

RE: For those who have "come out" - 5/2/2009 5:21:59 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
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My family just knows I'm not one for the conventional really. I have tats, piercings and I've always been the black sheep. Nothing at all surprises them. They also know I like strong, dominating men so again, no surprise when they meet men I'm interested in.

I guess it just depends on what kind of personality you have. If you've always been like I am nothing really will surprise them. They'll just shrug their shoulders and think "yeah and what is the surprise?".

(in reply to Danibelle)

Post #: 4

RE: For those who have "come out" - 5/2/2009 5:22:40 PM

SylvereApLeanan

Posts: 8275
Joined: 11/1/2007
From: Hell
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I haven't come out to my parents or other relatives. I'm an adult, my life is my business, and they aren't on the Need To Know list. The people who do know -- namely my fiance, other potential romantic partners, and friends -- are either friends/partners because they're kinky too, or are "alternative" in other ways (Goth, gamer, polyamorous, pagan, etc.) so a passing mention of something relatively innocuous such as spanking earned me a laugh and a knowing look. From there it was easy.

I have to wonder why you feel the need to "come out" to your family? Do they really need or want to know the details of your sex life? Do you really want them to have that information? Are you worried they'll see marks on your body and worry or do you just want someone to be your confidante? Your answer to these questions will help shape the way you decide to tell them.

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(in reply to GreedyTop)

Post #: 5

RE: For those who have "come out" - 5/2/2009 5:25:31 PM

YourhandMyAss

Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline

I live with my parents, and they knew I was sexually active it's not a bitg secret cause hey I and the guy I am with are not going in my room and shutting the door for a few hours just to watch tv lol.

She also over heard some of the noises we made being our rooms are connected by closet door walls.

We've always been very open sexually and I simply stated I like kinky sex.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Danibelle

For those of you who have come out to your friends and family members, how did you go about doing so?

Most of my friends know I enjoy the bedroom kinky, but not my family.

I'd like to tell some of my family members and I'm not sure how to go about it. Should I just blurt it out: "Mom, I enjoy it when the boyfriend flogs me? Want to go to the craft store? I could use some supplies..."

To be fair, she's kind of open minded. The boyfriend got me an amazing vibrator for Christmas a couple of years ago and when my Mom asked me what he got me I was honest with her about it...

I guess I'm asking what worked for you and what didn't?

(in reply to Danibelle)

Post #: 6

RE: For those who have "come out" - 5/2/2009 5:27:35 PM

Danibelle

Posts: 94
Joined: 11/24/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SylvereApLeanan

I haven't come out to my parents or other relatives. I'm an adult, my life is my business, and they aren't on the Need To Know list. The people who do know -- namely my fiance, other potential romantic partners, and friends -- are either friends/partners because they're kinky too, or are "alternative" in other ways (Goth, gamer, polyamorous, pagan, etc.) so a passing mention of something relatively innocuous such as spanking earned me a laugh and a knowing look. From there it was easy.

I have to wonder why you feel the need to "come out" to your family? Do they really need or want to know the details of your sex life? Do you really want them to have that information? Are you worried they'll see marks on your body and worry or do you just want someone to be your confidante? Your answer to these questions will help shape the way you decide to tell them.

Two reasons really. The first is the fear my Mom will see marks on me- we're going away together to a beach house with my whole family this summer with pretty tight quarters. The second is that I simply hate hiding something from her. We're pretty open about everything else.

_____________________________

"To love another person is to see the face of God."

(in reply to SylvereApLeanan)

Post #: 7

RE: For those who have "come out" - 5/2/2009 5:34:50 PM

SylvereApLeanan

Posts: 8275
Joined: 11/1/2007
From: Hell
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Danibelle

Two reasons really. The first is the fear my Mom will see marks on me- we're going away together to a beach house with my whole family this summer with pretty tight quarters. The second is that I simply hate hiding something from her. We're pretty open about everything else.

You don't have to tell your mother every detail to be open with her. Think about it -- do you hear the details of her sex life? I rather doubt it. At least I hope not. She doesn't need the details of yours either. However, if you're concerned she'll see evidence of your playtime, you can tell her that the vibrator wasn't the only sexy toy your boyfriend picked up and that you've been having a *wonderful* time testing them out. If you're happy and glowing, she'll probably be okay.

If she wants more reassurance that you're not being harmed, go pick up the book When Someone You Love Is Kinky. Read it so you'll know what information is given and how it's presented and then pass it along to her. Let her come to you with her questions. Answer honestly and go from there.

_____________________________

Sylverë
Dark Muse
30 Fluffy Points
Grumpy Cat is my spirit animal.
Shadow Governess & Mean Girl

"There's something that doesn't make sense. Let's go and poke it with a stick."— The Doctor

(in reply to Danibelle)

Post #: 8

RE: For those who have "come out" - 5/2/2009 5:38:50 PM

lusciouslips19

Posts: 9792
Joined: 9/8/2007
Status: offline

I dont advertise but if my parents did find out. Well, nothing would suprise them as far as I am concerned. I am the one who marches to the beat of a different drummer. They figured that out when I went from crawling to walking on all fours before walking up right.

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(in reply to SylvereApLeanan)

Post #: 9

RE: For those who have "come out" - 5/2/2009 5:41:38 PM

GreedyTop

Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline

quote:

"Republicans for Voldemort"

I WAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNT!!!

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polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to Danibelle)

Post #: 10

RE: For those who have "come out" - 5/2/2009 5:42:06 PM

kuriouswitch

Posts: 325
Joined: 6/17/2008
Status: offline

I haven't "come out" formally but Master did tell my mom that he's a very Dominant man but not abusive. And I've dropped a hint here and there. She's always been open with all of us about sex it's just something that she's comfortable knowing her baby girl is involved in a M/s relationship, she knows i like kinky sex but said that that's all she wants to know. I'm her only girl but my sister married a Dominant man so it runs in the family apparently lol. My friend susy kind of suspects, she says i'm so submissive anyway it isn't surprising just as long as he's good to me and i'm happy.

(in reply to Danibelle)

Post #: 11

RE: For those who have "come out" - 5/2/2009 5:46:12 PM

GreedyTop

Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline

Dani.... just tell her you like your intimate relations to be kinda rough, reassure her that it's all consensual, and that soemtimes, that rough sex will cause bruising and other marks :)

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to GreedyTop)

Post #: 12

RE: For those who have "come out" - 5/2/2009 5:57:05 PM

marie2

Posts: 1690
Joined: 11/4/2008
From: Jersey
Status: offline

My ex outted me to my family. My cousins just make jokes about it now, and share their weird fantasies with me when they get drunk. They seem to think I want to know about how they want to do threesomes with their wife and her best friend, and how they roleplay the "ballerina and the cop". LMAOOOOooooooo. It's all very entertaining to me, they try to act all hip about it....but it's funny as hell when they assume that I must be the top... (they're so clueless)....they make jokes about cock and ball torture and things like that. I let them think what they want and just play along with it and laugh.

My mother doesn't even ask...guess she doesn't feel the need to pry about the details of my personal life.

I've shared it with a friend or acquaintance here and there over the years. No one is shocked at all, and most have their own story of kink to tell. Most people just assume it's all about whips and chains anyway. They don't really get the whole mental/emotional aspects or the submissiveness and things like that. And I don't feel any pressing need to educate them on the matter.

(in reply to Danibelle)

Post #: 13

RE: For those who have "come out" - 5/2/2009 6:04:15 PM

BKSir

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From: Salt Lake City, UT
Status: offline

Well, I did come out as gay to my dad and he hung up the phone on me... His loss. I came out to my mom and her reply was "I know." Pfft, could have told ME maybe... It does kind of affect my life, no? She liked my partner more than she liked me though I think. ;)

I really didn't bother coming out as "kinky" or even poly to her though, as, when those things started to emerge in my life, it was toward the end of hers and she had MORE than enough on her plate to deal with, without having to try to register that. Although, I know she would have been like "Hm, okay. Tell me more. When do I get to meet them?" She was very very open. LOL! I remember one christmas, I got this cylindrical present from her, soft, yet firm, just the right size and shape as, well... yeah. I look at her questioningly and she jokes "Oh, I got that from Midget News." (the local adult store where she lived). Warily I opened it, and she started laughing her ass off. It was, in fact, a small, rather lovely telescope in a leather case.

Then again, she and I did go into adult stores together, and go looking at guys together and all that. Again, she was always VERY open and liberal about things like that. I remember her talking with me about sex early on, and saying, "Well, I'd prefer you waited until you are older (I was like 15 at the time), but I'm pretty sure you're already having sex, and most likely already know more about it than I do. So, if you are, or if you do, just please be careful, be safe, use condoms." And yes, it was mom that had this conversation with me. Dad was LONG gone by then, so, yeah... Anyway.

As far as coming out "kinky", I agree that, in general it's nobody's business but my own. Of course I'm not going to hide it. I'm too damned old to worry about shit like that. If someone doesn't like it, that's their problem, not mine. If it's the subject of a conversation I'm involved in, I have no problem, whoever is there, family or not, chiming in about my preference in leather, cuffs, shackles, ropes, etc. If they don't want to hear it, they shouldn't have brought it up in the first place.

On the other hand, I'm not going to be sitting around the dinner table during thanksgiving with my grandma if she were still around and just pipe up and say "So! I got this new vibrator the other day. My pet LOVES it!" Then again, my grandma was a lot like my mom, so, who knows. LOL

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(in reply to GreedyTop)

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RE: For those who have "come out" - 5/2/2009 6:50:36 PM

CallaFirestormBW

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Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline

I'm not closeted by any stretch of the imagination -- but I am also not 'in your face' about it. Some of my family members and a number of my friends know that I am polyfideletous, with an active poly household, and they know, and are pretty comfortable, with many of the HBW members. How did I tell them -- I just said "Dad, this is So and So, and xhe's very precious to me. I hope you'll welcome hir as one of the family." I did that about 20 times or so. After a while, we started having pot-luck suppers instead of eating in restaurants, because our household's party doubled the gathering many times.

I came out to my family as bisexual, body-modified, and into authority-exchange lifestyles in similar manner. I just didn't hide the parts of what I was doing that would normally be seen in public -- directing one of the servants to get me something to eat/drink or help out in the kitchen at family events... showing my normally-visible modifications and tats/piercings that would be visible when wearing normal clothing without shame... bringing home both male and female companions and introducing them in the same manner, and practicing normally-family-acceptable PDAs (nothing different than married or engaged couples in the family would do).

I never rub peoples' faces in what I am, but I have no shame in it either. I am myself, and carry myself with dignity. People ask questions, and I answer the question they asked graciously, even when they are rude. I defer speaking specifically about my sex life, except with a couple of close friends with whom I would normally share those things. Family members like my dad don't need to know what I enjoy sexually--that is bedroom discussion, and a private matter. There is no reason to share what kinds of vibrators I like or that I really like using one of my favorite pets as a naked footstool. I wouldn't share things like the positions I liked to have sex in or that I had oral sex with my lover if I weren't in D/s, so why would I share my sexual preferences attached to WIITWD?

So that's the attitude that has worked for me.

< Message edited by CallaFirestormBW -- 5/2/2009 6:53:28 PM >

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Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

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(in reply to BKSir)

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RE: For those who have "come out" - 5/2/2009 6:51:51 PM

twisteddoll

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Joined: 2/22/2008
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I feel like if you can't find a good way to bring it up yourself and you really want her to know, and you say that she's going to notice marks, just wait until she sees them and let her ask. That way, it's like she's bringing it up. I find that it's a lot easier to answer questions than to bring up a conversation. Then you could just answer with a simple, "I'm into bondage/BDSM/kinky sex/etc."

(in reply to BKSir)

Post #: 16

RE: For those who have "come out" - 5/2/2009 7:10:28 PM

mdr080480

Posts: 4646
Joined: 2/20/2009
Status: offline

Well, I joke to my mom that I might need a spanking... other than that, hell, she knows I am not usual. I went to Vegas for a porn convention some years ago, and she knew, though the extent of how depraved I am, she is not totally sure.

I don't think it's important that anyone knows totally, but if they ask, I would tell. We've stuck together through trying times, so I wouldn't see this as being any worse than other times.

(in reply to Danibelle)

Post #: 17

RE: For those who have "come out" - 5/2/2009 7:11:59 PM

kallisto

Posts: 1185
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: GreedyTop

Dani.... just tell her you like your intimate relations to be kinda rough, reassure her that it's all consensual, and that soemtimes, that rough sex will cause bruising and other marks :)

I would wait and if she brings it up, this is the way I would handle it.

(in reply to GreedyTop)

Post #: 18

RE: For those who have "come out" - 5/2/2009 7:24:46 PM

oceanwinds

Posts: 530
Status: offline

My family doesn't know nor will they. It never been my practice to talk about any sexual aspect of my life. Mom is 83 and she don't need to try to understand imo. My daughter talks to me a lot about different sexual things with the understanding that I am not to tell her about me:) She don't want to know and why would she?

My friends know, but they also know that I am a very private person. I not going to go on for hours about my last session etc with them. just not my style.

(in reply to Danibelle)

Post #: 19

RE: For those who have "come out" - 5/2/2009 8:08:31 PM

chamberqueen

Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline

When I heard someone at a munch use the phrase "come out" it was the first time that it occurred to me that people in the lifestyle could stay closeted as much as a gay person did. I decided right then that I needed to tell my grown daughter before she somehow found out another way. She enjoys psychology so I approached it from the trust and open communication aspect. My sister had lived a different type of alternate lifestyle so she was easy to tell. It took years to finally tell my father and again I approached it from the psychological standpoint.

They all know it is a part of me but I don't flaunt it. No one needs to know what I do in the bedroom. They just know that I'm happier than they've ever seen me and so they are supportive of that.

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