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RE: For those who have "come out" - 5/2/2009 8:51:13 PM

sweetsub1957

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Joined: 4/28/2009
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~Fast Reply~
When i collected things, i started laying them out on one side of my bed....i liked looking at them, as about half of them were in my favorite color...PINK. LOL So little by little my friends noticed them & asked questions, then i answered them. Most of my friends are still my friends & the ones that aren't i wouldn't want as friends anyway because they can't accept me for who i really am anyway. Plus, if they look in my bedroom, they see what they see. It was much harder explaining my being bi when i was "seeing" a woman and trying not to use gender-specific pronouns when talking about her.

As for my family, they had a coniption fit when they accidentally figured out i was bi. i never told them, they just figured it out, asked me, freaked out and then judged me. As for my kinkiness, only my sister knows. She knows because she kept badgering me for the name of the dating site i am on, and i finally said "Collarme.com." She asked "What's that!?" and i expained. Then she accused me of being a drama queen, LOL, and then called me back the next day after she had talked to her best friend about it and was calmed down, and we had a sensible conversation about it. As far as i know, she hasn't told anyone else in my family about it. If she does, they will probably say "Oh for god's sake, she's at it again. What will she think of next!?" LOL The bottom line is, i'm not gonna worry about it anymore. i used to, but life is too short to be freaked out all the time instead of enjoying whatever time i've got left.

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An it harm none, do what ye wilt.

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Post #: 21

RE: For those who have "come out" - 5/2/2009 11:04:56 PM

stella41b

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From: SW London (UK)
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When it comes to 'coming out' there's no right way or wrong way, because everything depends on you, who you want to inform, your relationship with them and why you feel you need to reveal such information.

However I feel you do really need to stop and ask yourself why you feel the need to come out to others about something so intimate and personal to you. Is this really essential information to them? Are you thinking of involving them in your activities? Are you looking for validation? Approval? Justification?

Other people tend to accept things about you which you accept yourself. The most reliable strategy for coming out to me is the 'accepted fact' strategy - you talk about something as if it's accepted by you, without having to make any declarations, proclamations, speeches, fanfares, but where something is stated 'as is'.

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Post #: 22

RE: For those who have "come out" - 5/2/2009 11:40:00 PM

wonderingsub

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i havent come out to my parents that im kinky i dont think they would understand, i was raised in a very strict christian household they dont understand kink or even like porn or anything adult in nature. if i told them they would laugh at me and probably not be very willing to let me explain everything although one parent is more open than the other so i might tell my mom first somehow and see how that goes. only time will tell i suppose im new here so this whole world of real bdsm is a bit strange to me im just getting involved in the boards to make friends and such.

(in reply to chamberqueen)

Post #: 23

RE: For those who have "come out" - 5/3/2009 12:20:54 AM

ThatDamnedPanda

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quote:

ORIGINAL: GreedyTop

quote:

"Republicans for Voldemort"

I WAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNT!!!

I'll put it right next to the other bumper sticker I'm going to get - "Cthulhu for President - I'm Tired Of Voting For The Lesser Of Two Evils." Just as soon as i can find someone to make one for me.

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Post #: 24

RE: For those who have "come out" - 5/3/2009 12:28:30 AM

breatheasone

Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SylvereApLeanan

quote:

ORIGINAL: Danibelle

Two reasons really. The first is the fear my Mom will see marks on me- we're going away together to a beach house with my whole family this summer with pretty tight quarters. The second is that I simply hate hiding something from her. We're pretty open about everything else.

You don't have to tell your mother every detail to be open with her. Think about it -- do you hear the details of her sex life? I rather doubt it. At least I hope not. She doesn't need the details of yours either. However, if you're concerned she'll see evidence of your playtime, you can tell her that the vibrator wasn't the only sexy toy your boyfriend picked up and that you've been having a *wonderful* time testing them out. If you're happy and glowing, she'll probably be okay.

If she wants more reassurance that you're not being harmed, go pick up the book When Someone You Love Is Kinky. Read it so you'll know what information is given and how it's presented and then pass it along to her. Let her come to you with her questions. Answer honestly and go from there.

i hope you will REread this post from SylvereApLeanan ...it is possibly the best advice you will get on this. The reason i believe this is true, is because i am in the reverse situation. i also have a VERY close relationship with my daughter (my oldest 27)We talk about EVERYTHING or at the very least KNOW we can.i have had a Master/Daddy for two years and she is aware of this. She has never asked for any big details,and TRUST me, she would ask... Actually my youngest(24) daughter DID ask (surprized the shit out of me too, gotta love your kids don't ya?) LOL...I answered by saying "Tiffany, i will answer any question you ask me my love...just be sure you want to hear the answer."
Ok at this point there was about a 20-30 second pause(and thats a LONG time for a phone to be silent LOL) All of a sudden, in the most cheerful voice i have ever heard, Tiffany said "Hey mom, hows the weather been there....It sucks here hot as HELL!"
LOL....i guess it was a good thing i reminded her how honest her mother is.....LOL

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Post #: 25

RE: For those who have "come out" - 5/3/2009 10:10:44 AM

GYPZYQUEEN

Posts: 730
Joined: 4/14/2009
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MY children know and several friends..but not my mom or dad.

.my sister knows a bit.

MY friends were not surprised at all and said they sort of knew anyway...I helped clear many misconceptions for them such as that I don't beat up men for fun and it is consensual and it jsut cam eout in conversations such as "have you ever.....?""
My one daughter is very DOMME also.

I will never tell my mom or step-dad...they absolutely would not understand..
They are a minister and lay minister and as such my few known quirks have already set me line for hell burning.They need not know anyway just as they need not know my sister's private vanilla life.

(in reply to chamberqueen)

Post #: 26

RE: For those who have "come out" - 5/3/2009 11:52:29 AM

lizi

Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: stella41b

When it comes to 'coming out' there's no right way or wrong way, because everything depends on you, who you want to inform, your relationship with them and why you feel you need to reveal such information.

However I feel you do really need to stop and ask yourself why you feel the need to come out to others about something so intimate and personal to you. Is this really essential information to them? Are you thinking of involving them in your activities? Are you looking for validation? Approval? Justification?

Other people tend to accept things about you which you accept yourself. The most reliable strategy for coming out to me is the 'accepted fact' strategy - you talk about something as if it's accepted by you, without having to make any declarations, proclamations, speeches, fanfares, but where something is stated 'as is'.

Excellent comments/suggestions. I'll be thinking about this...

I don't want to come out to family or the general public, I am single with 3 protective sons ranging in age from 17 - 27. A difficult situation under vanilla circumstances - it would be hell trying to explain things as they are. I do have 2 close friends that I've been dropping hints to and will probably tell them eventually.

(in reply to stella41b)

Post #: 27

RE: For those who have "come out" - 5/3/2009 6:07:09 PM

WyckedDreams

Posts: 12
Joined: 12/7/2008
Status: offline

I didn't have to say much about my lifestyle...There are some in my family that I have told that I am a Domme. After spending years trying to figure out how I would tell my kids, the oldest son said, "Mom...we know that you are into the alternative lifestyle, and a Dominant. Don't worry!, We're okay with it." Talk about being flabbergasted...LOL.
Parts of my extended family know that I have friends that are Dom/mes, Mistresses and Masters, as well as subs/slaves.
I explain to them about what D/s is and that this is something that I and other people enjoy.

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Post #: 28

RE: For those who have "come out" - 5/4/2009 8:55:43 PM

Danibelle

Posts: 94
Joined: 11/24/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SylvereApLeanan

However, if you're concerned she'll see evidence of your playtime, you can tell her that the vibrator wasn't the only sexy toy your boyfriend picked up and that you've been having a *wonderful* time testing them out. If you're happy and glowing, she'll probably be okay.

If she wants more reassurance that you're not being harmed, go pick up the book When Someone You Love Is Kinky. Read it so you'll know what information is given and how it's presented and then pass it along to her. Let her come to you with her questions. Answer honestly and go from there.

That's a fantastic idea and I will be using that line or something like it!

_____________________________

"To love another person is to see the face of God."

(in reply to SylvereApLeanan)

Post #: 29

RE: For those who have "come out" - 5/4/2009 10:11:54 PM

SailingBum

Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline

This topic has been covered oh about a zillion times on here. Do you really want to know that your parents had dogsex in their more adventurous years????
Why in the world do you think your parents want to know ... that you will only mate with polar bears on the 3 phase of the moon????

YA know some things are better left unsaid. I never will GET ppl wanna tell there morbid sex stories to anyone who will listen!! If my kid started going down that path....." uhhh sweet babeeee lemme stop you right there. certain things dads never need to know...." Furthermore dad will ground you for life if you proceed to talk about it...

BadOne

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Post #: 30

RE: For those who have "come out" - 5/4/2009 10:21:00 PM

DavanKael

Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline

I'm pretty open about being me.
My ex- and I were together for 17 years (Since I was 15) and had several poly relationships during our marriage. My family was aware to greater or lesser degrees. My Parents disapprove of me as a matter of course, I'm rather beyond caring. I don't speak with my younger sis. My older sis and I speak freely.
Also, there are various bdsm items around my house. Now, being a creative perosn who likes to dress 'freaky' many things that I have out and about (I don't leave kid-unacceptable things out usually as I have god-small people and such) but my eldest god small-person has, more than once, run into my room and nabbed a collar. She's a budding goth girl; I am very proud! :>
Anyway, for me, it boils down to not bowing down to our society's sex negativity. I'm sex positive and I almost never do things of which I am ashamed.
Davan

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(in reply to chamberqueen)

Post #: 31

RE: For those who have "come out" - 5/4/2009 10:36:48 PM

Apocalypso

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Joined: 4/20/2009
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I have to agree with other people. I'm not 'out' to my family as such. But that's not because any of them would mind, apart from possibly my gran. My mother's an ex hippy and very laidback and the rest of my family are the same. But I doubt any of them want to know the details of my sexlife. Anymore than I want to know about theirs, frankly.

My friends pretty much universally know, although not in graphic detail. None of them care. Some are BDSMers themselves. A few more are interested in the concept and occasionally ask general questions. The ones who I exchange friendly insulting banter with have another weapon in their arsenal. And most are just apathetic.

In terms of your family, specifically. I'd cover the subject briefly if the bruises issue comes up. But I'd very much go with the assumption they simply don't need to know any more than the absolute necessary.

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Don't keep calling it the "Book of Revelations",
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Post #: 32

RE: For those who have "come out" - 5/4/2009 11:03:30 PM

LyraLaLaurie

Posts: 83
Joined: 4/14/2009
Status: offline

Most of my friends know about it...all of my exes do. No one is surprised. As for family, my brother came out to *me* first as being a gay bottom...then I came out to him...then I had to give him the special "talk". You know, the "no edgeplay on the first date!" talk. Who else is he going to get it from? We have a ridiculous but close relationship. :)

(in reply to Apocalypso)

Post #: 33

RE: For those who have "come out" - 5/5/2009 5:29:36 AM

sambamanslilgirl

Posts: 10926
Joined: 2/5/2007
From: Chicago, IL
Status: offline

my oldest was first to know after receiving my collar. she asked many questions like how long will i wear, what does it mean, etc. i honestly spoke to her answering her concerns without sugarcoating. for my active hunny bunny, i told her it's jewelry given to me by a friend ...she wants a "belt" (my leather collar) when she gets older.

a few friends and co-workers know however i have one friend from school days who doesn't approve assuming i'm simply a raging sexual deviant. honestly she has clue why i wear the collar.

as far as the rest of my family - they'll never know. they already have a hard time accepting the fact i review non-secular music (rock, punk, metal, etc) and bands. i know they'll have a difficult time accepting the kinky side to me. so it remains private.

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Post #: 34

RE: For those who have "come out" - 5/5/2009 6:28:07 AM

subangi

Posts: 544
Joined: 5/11/2008
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Before I had kids, I had a dungeon in my basement which I kept locked at all times when not in use. When I was moving, my dad went into the basement, and saw it was painted all dark gray, and asked if I had a voodoo parlor down there. Of course everything was all moved out by then. He didnt and doesnt need to know.
My 2 brothers found out one night when we went drinking with a Domme friend of mine who flirted with one of my brothers and spilled the beans. They actually thought it was cool, but, I provided no explanation, and left it at that.
I believe that some things are best kept private, especially with family.

(in reply to Danibelle)

Post #: 35

RE: For those who have "come out" - 5/5/2009 6:35:43 AM

subtlebutterfly

Posts: 2230
Joined: 6/15/2008
From: Not your hood
Status: offline

My lifestyle is none of my families business, besides they're the epitome of normality, it would ruin the harmony.

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Post #: 36

RE: For those who have "come out" - 5/5/2009 7:02:20 AM

leadership527

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I pretty much just said it flat out. To my parents, I very deliberately didn't sugar-coat it. I used "shocking" words like "slave" and "punish" on purpose (they kept wanting to turn it into a sex game). Overall, my children handled it with a big yawn. As products of the internet age, this sort of thing is hardly new and unfamiliar to them. My parents took it in stride too. They had to process for a day or so, but in the end, they settled on the fact that their son and while whatever it is that I'm doing in my marriage may sound unfamiliar and even a bit scary, I love my wife and they know it.

In short, the whole "coming out" thing was very underwhelming. THen again, my parents are pretty cool that way.

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Post #: 37

RE: For those who have "come out" - 5/5/2009 10:42:44 AM

OmegaG

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Joined: 10/23/2007
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My mother is a closet feminist (meaning that she believes in feminism and promoted it wih her girls, but married a very conservative old fashioned man). Since dad died I've learned just how unsupportive he was with her desires. At one point she could have had a lucrative business but he felt that it should be worked around his errands, dinners, etc and the business died from lack of attention.

When I was moving, m'Lord, my sister and her family and my mother were all helping. During a food break, m'Lord asked for seconds or a glass of water, I can't remember. It was a request that as a host I would have acquiesce regardless of the person asking, but apparently my mother later asked my sister and her family if his legs were broken and couldn't he get it himself.

Since she would like her daughters to be the person she was unable to be, she doesn't need to know that I don't even wish to be that person.

I find "coming out" to be obnixious anyway. People feel that they have to reveal their sexual preferrences to co-workers or the man on the street and honestly, we don't all need to know. Some things weren't meant to be broadcast to the world. When that happens people stop being multi-demensional and they are only idenified by their sexuality.

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(in reply to leadership527)

Post #: 38

RE: For those who have "come out" - 5/5/2009 11:12:28 AM

sweetsub1957

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Joined: 4/28/2009
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~Fast Reply~
i already said something earlier, but i should add here that i never just purposely came right out and told anybody. my friends found out accidentally as they were sticking their heads in my bedroom door and saw my stuff. my sister kept badgering me for the name of the dating site i was on, so i did tell her to "shut her up." Anyway, i guess now my sister knows....be careful what you ask for, you might just get it. Really though, i feel that my personal life should not be up for discussion by family, friends, or the general public.

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Member: Lance's Fag Hags.

"That's not just a chip on her shoulder, that's the whole potato!" ~Lady Angelika~

In lowering yourself to talking behind my back, you're perfectly positioned to kiss my ass.

An it harm none, do what ye wilt.

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Post #: 39

RE: For those who have "come out" - 5/5/2009 11:28:21 AM

RCdc

Posts: 8674
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Danibelle
I guess I'm asking what worked for you and what didn't?

By being exactly who I am regardless of the place I am. I don't change my image nor my personality to who I am around. To me there is a sense of falseness about people who seperate into neat little boxes and I avoid people or friendships that I cannot intertwine with all I do or know. So coming out was never an issue.

the.dark.

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Post #: 40

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