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RE: Time out !! - 5/11/2009 7:45:51 AM   
angelikaJ


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Joined: 6/22/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: missturbation

quote:

MissT, you are a strong willed, intelligent, outspoken, young woman. You've developed some very defined and strong views on what mastery and slavery is and isn't. You've no problem debating your point of view vehemently. Perhaps I am wrong, wouldn't be the first time, but I am getting a feel that you have a bit of, can't see the forest for the trees.

Right now i can't see the forest for the trees. My definition of slavery is very defined and right now it's being tested to the limit for various reasons.

quote:

Yet the very mindset behind the creation of this thread is almost a contradition of what I've read of your thoughts in some of those debates. A sense of wanting your cake and eating it too.

I am having a major wobble about something i feel should inherently be a given. If wanting my cake and eating it is how that is defined then yes.
 
quote:

Do you want to submit, when it agrees with you, bottom to a sadist when the mood strikes, and retain control of everything else?

I don't want any control but i do want to know that i am inherently safe in who i give over control to.
 
quote:

Or, do you wish to find a person that you can build total trust in and turn over ALL control, and be a slave?

I have or had that person but outside influences and circumstances have created a doubt in my mind.
 
quote:

Regardless of physical presence or not, in your words here, I already see a time out from the M/s dynamic. The asking for it, was almost redundant.

I think you are right. However i am now ready to try and work this out and thats got to be a good sign right?
 


Sometimes the circumstances haven't changed but our perceptions have.

If the facts have not changed but your perceptions have, then I think there is probably other stuff going on with you that you may not be aware of.

(Sorry, I know that is not what you were seeking advisement over.)

(in reply to missturbation)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: Time out !! - 5/11/2009 8:03:11 AM   
missturbation


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Joined: 2/12/2006
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quote:

Has your definition altered - or have you?  In other words, do you believe you are not what your definition was?

I havent changed nor has my definition. the dynamics changed and something i thought was a given.
 
quote:

So what changed?  You had the safety in the first place or not?  What has altered?

I had the safety and probably still do. Its just a wobble and i'll be fine.
 

 
 
 



_____________________________

What you don't witness with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth. Proverb.

If it fit's in a toaster, i can cook it.

Buying 10 item's or less is not shopping !!

(in reply to RCdc)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: Time out !! - 5/11/2009 8:17:36 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
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quote:

ORIGINAL: missturbation
I havent changed nor has my definition. the dynamics changed and something i thought was a given.

 
Is that because you are not a poly unit anymore?  Has it placed a heavy weight on your shoulders?  Not being nosey, but simply wanting to suggest that it might be a good idea to remember that just because you are on your own at the moment, doesn't mean that it will always be like that - so you can look forward to that.
Just because you are a in a relationship that has hit a difficulty, doesn't mean you need a time out as a whole, but you may need a time out from a portion of your relationship - particularly if you feel that you are doubling up (if that makes sense).
 
It's hard to get adjusted sometimes.  Nothing lasts 'forever' and things are always in a constant flux so it's worthwhile remembering that.

quote:

I had the safety and probably still do. Its just a wobble and i'll be fine.


Just don't let something that was beyond your control - even if it involved you - trash your sense of self.  It's cool to be worried about something - you don't have to walk away to sort it out and don't put a time limit on sorting it out either, that just adds too much pressure.

the.dark.

_____________________________
RC&dc


love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to missturbation)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: Time out !! - 5/11/2009 8:30:01 AM   
missturbation


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Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
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quote:

Is that because you are not a poly unit anymore?  Has it placed a heavy weight on your shoulders? 
As far as i am aware this isn't a given at the moment. It's Sirs decision to make and he hasn't said either way.
 
quote:

Just because you are a in a relationship that has hit a difficulty, doesn't mean you need a time out as a whole, but you may need a time out from a portion of your relationship - particularly if you feel that you are doubling up (if that makes sense). 
I've just taken a couple of days to think things through is all. 
 


_____________________________

What you don't witness with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth. Proverb.

If it fit's in a toaster, i can cook it.

Buying 10 item's or less is not shopping !!

(in reply to RCdc)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: Time out !! - 5/11/2009 8:33:46 AM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
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FAST REPLY

Master finds the concept reprehensible. this slave wouldn't call it a relationship worth having if she needed time away from it in order to function well...or in order to solve issues.

He says that this is where the rubber meets the road in the issue of whether living in the 'lifestyle', 24/7 or weekend warrior, is solely for the physical experience or represents a relationship that includes all interpersonal situations. Requiring a time out indicates the need for a vacation. You never take a vacation from fun, enjoyment, and play; you need one when what you are doing is work, or just too much trouble to handle regardless of what life sends your way.

we try every way we can to avoid situations that necessitate us being physically separated. we work out and process issues together---it matters not if they are issues brought about by folks in our lives other than us, if it is an issue only for one of us, or if it is an issue we have with each other.


< Message edited by Mercnbeth -- 5/11/2009 8:44:47 AM >

(in reply to missturbation)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: Time out !! - 5/11/2009 8:35:54 AM   
missturbation


Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

Master finds the concept reprehensible. this slave wouldn't call it a relationship worth having if she needed time away from it in order to function well...or in order to solve issues.

we try every way we can to avoid situations that necessitate us being physically separated. we work out and process issues together---it matters not if they are issues brought about by folks in our lives other than us, if it is an issue only for one of us, or if it is an issue we have with each other.



To a certain degree i agree with you. I hate that i have had to do this and that i have been put in this position.

_____________________________

What you don't witness with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth. Proverb.

If it fit's in a toaster, i can cook it.

Buying 10 item's or less is not shopping !!

(in reply to Mercnbeth)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: Time out !! - 5/11/2009 8:40:59 AM   
SteelofUtah


Posts: 5307
Joined: 10/2/2007
From: St George Utah
Status: offline 		Interesting.....

I think I need to walk away now.

misst I wish you the best.

I cannot be of help to you on this as I believe I disagree with all the actions being taken .

However I wish you well and hope everything gets better.

Steel

_____________________________

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(in reply to missturbation)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: Time out !! - 5/11/2009 8:44:16 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
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quote:

ORIGINAL: missturbation
As far as i am aware this isn't a given at the moment. It's Sirs decision to make and he hasn't said either way.
 
I've just taken a couple of days to think things through is all. 


I can't speak for Master, but I know that I cannot get my head around 'time outs'.  I tend to be of the mind that if I need to think about something, then it's already fucked - I tend to be pretty black and white in that way.  In other words, the minute I start trying to control the situation by taking time outs, then Darcy has already lost his authority so the relationships pooped anyway.  The reason I am with Darcy is because I know that if I 'needed a day' to think about *insertwhatever*, he would decide it was moot a point anyhow and take the stand to either pull my head outta my backside or decide it isn't to be an issue.  That is more or less the way our relationship works anyhow.

Best thoughts hey.
 
the.dark.

_____________________________
RC&dc


love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to missturbation)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: Time out !! - 5/11/2009 8:45:01 AM   
missturbation


Posts: 8290
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quote:

ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah

Interesting.....

I think I need to walk away now.

misst I wish you the best.

I cannot be of help to you on this as I believe I disagree with all the actions being taken .

However I wish you well and hope everything gets better.

Steel


Thanks hun
 

_____________________________

What you don't witness with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth. Proverb.

If it fit's in a toaster, i can cook it.

Buying 10 item's or less is not shopping !!

(in reply to SteelofUtah)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: Time out !! - 5/11/2009 8:45:34 AM   
RavenMuse


Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: missturbation
I hate that i have had to do this and that i have been put in this position.


Apportioning blame? where you 'put' there or did you put yourself there?..... Sticking with it and dealing with a problem within the problem solving mechanisms inside the relationship OR choosing to step away from the Dynamic/relationship isn't a 'put there' issue. If the girl is doing the latter she is showing no trust in the Master and how He handles problems.


_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to missturbation)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: Time out !! - 5/11/2009 8:57:27 AM   
missturbation


Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
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quote:

ORIGINAL: RavenMuse

quote:

ORIGINAL: missturbation
I hate that i have had to do this and that i have been put in this position.


Apportioning blame? where you 'put' there or did you put yourself there?..... Sticking with it and dealing with a problem within the problem solving mechanisms inside the relationship OR choosing to step away from the Dynamic/relationship isn't a 'put there' issue. If the girl is doing the latter she is showing no trust in the Master and how He handles problems.


The over all circumstances have put me in this position. There is no blame to put anywhere.

Edited to add:-
I'm not one for laundry airing when other peoples business is also at stake and i'd really appreciate it if we could go back to the original questions. I know it's hard when fed info which can inflame but i really just wanted to hear views on taking time out. I apologise for the way this thread went and hope it can go back to the original intent.

< Message edited by missturbation -- 5/11/2009 8:59:44 AM >

_____________________________

What you don't witness with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth. Proverb.

If it fit's in a toaster, i can cook it.

Buying 10 item's or less is not shopping !!

(in reply to RavenMuse)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: Time out !! - 5/11/2009 9:00:44 AM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: missturbation

quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

Master finds the concept reprehensible. this slave wouldn't call it a relationship worth having if she needed time away from it in order to function well...or in order to solve issues.

we try every way we can to avoid situations that necessitate us being physically separated. we work out and process issues together---it matters not if they are issues brought about by folks in our lives other than us, if it is an issue only for one of us, or if it is an issue we have with each other.



To a certain degree i agree with you. I hate that i have had to do this and that i have been put in this position.


this slave doesn't understand the "have had to" and "have been put"...is your Master the one who gave you the order to "time out" or did you request it?

(in reply to missturbation)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: Time out !! - 5/11/2009 9:01:32 AM   
lusciouslips19


Posts: 9792
Joined: 9/8/2007
Status: offline 		I was with a wonderful man that was very good at D's but I ended up not trusting him with my safety because of  his missteps engaging in BDSM.  Safety is a very important issue with me. My issues had to do with physical safety and not emotional ones. However without safety there is no trust and without trust I felt there is no relationship.

6 months later we are speaking again and I had missed him very much.  I would entertin a relationship with him but it would be vanilla for a very long time until we could expore and work out the safety concerns.  For me that would involve his training with others more experienced than he.  It would be a very long process that would involve alot of healing of broken down trust. He never did break my emotional trust so it is repairable.  But part and parcel of problems with newer Dominants who think they know more than they really do. Confidence is good, but over confidence can be dangrous for a sub with a Newbie Dom.

I dont know if any of what I wrote of resonates with you as you are not coming out and letting us know how your safety is in question.  But right now i  know that I am starting from scratch. This time I cant give ownership so quickly. Maybe you should slow it down too?

< Message edited by lusciouslips19 -- 5/11/2009 9:04:51 AM >

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(in reply to RCdc)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: Time out !! - 5/11/2009 9:03:51 AM   
RavenMuse


Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline 		Thanks for the clarification.

I'm neither judging nor pointing fingers. If someone puts a question out on the boards they are looking for opinions, the best way (IMO) is to take it as a hypothetical and address it as if in a situation applied to Your self.... the above posts are simply questions that would arrise to Me, I'd be looking at base trust issues if the girl didn't feel she could deal with the problem inside the Dynamic. I don't have all the peices to judge, if the opinion has things in it that helps... use it. If not then ignore it. Either way heres hoping you resolve whatever the issues are.

Good luck


_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to missturbation)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: Time out !! - 5/11/2009 9:04:02 AM   
missturbation


Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

quote:

ORIGINAL: missturbation

quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

Master finds the concept reprehensible. this slave wouldn't call it a relationship worth having if she needed time away from it in order to function well...or in order to solve issues.

we try every way we can to avoid situations that necessitate us being physically separated. we work out and process issues together---it matters not if they are issues brought about by folks in our lives other than us, if it is an issue only for one of us, or if it is an issue we have with each other.



To a certain degree i agree with you. I hate that i have had to do this and that i have been put in this position.


this slave doesn't understand the "have had to" and "have been put"...is your Master the one who gave you the order to "time out" or did you request it?


All that matters is i felt i had no other productive choice. I'm not asking you to understand or agree with my choice in any shape or form.
I appreciate your stand point and before this happened would have agreed fully with you that time out was not a valid way to deal with it.

_____________________________

What you don't witness with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth. Proverb.

If it fit's in a toaster, i can cook it.

Buying 10 item's or less is not shopping !!

(in reply to Mercnbeth)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: Time out !! - 5/11/2009 9:07:53 AM   
missturbation


Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RavenMuse

Thanks for the clarification.

I'm neither judging nor pointing fingers. If someone puts a question out on the boards they are looking for opinions, the best way (IMO) is to take it as a hypothetical and address it as if in a situation applied to Your self.... the above posts are simply questions that would arrise to Me, I'd be looking at base trust issues if the girl didn't feel she could deal with the problem inside the Dynamic. I don't have all the peices to judge, if the opinion has things in it that helps... use it. If not then ignore it. Either way heres hoping you resolve whatever the issues are.

Good luck



I appreciate and take note of any response made to my threads. Always learning, growing and changing from the things i'm shown.
Sometimes i type things which are not too clear like my last post to you which seemed to apportion blame, i would have read it the same way as you.

_____________________________

What you don't witness with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth. Proverb.

If it fit's in a toaster, i can cook it.

Buying 10 item's or less is not shopping !!

(in reply to RavenMuse)
Profile   Post #: 56
RE: Time out !! - 5/11/2009 9:10:25 AM   
missturbation


Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
Status: offline
quote:

I dont know if any of what I wrote of resonates with you as you are not coming out and letting us know how your safety is in question.  But right now i  know that I am starting from scratch. This time I cant give ownership so quickly. Maybe you should slow it down too?

I know its vague and i apologise for that. I never had any intention of discussing the ins and outs when i wrote this thread and for some reason i wasn't prepared for them to come up.
I just need to get a grip if i'm honest


_____________________________

What you don't witness with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth. Proverb.

If it fit's in a toaster, i can cook it.

Buying 10 item's or less is not shopping !!

(in reply to lusciouslips19)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: Time out !! - 5/11/2009 9:10:46 AM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

All that matters is i felt i had no other productive choice. I'm not asking you to understand or agree with my choice in any shape or form.
I appreciate your stand point and before this happened would have agreed fully with you that time out was not a valid way to deal with it.


alrighty then.
 
best of luck to you on resolving your stuff.

(in reply to missturbation)
Profile   Post #: 58
RE: Time out !! - 5/11/2009 9:42:34 AM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline 		I've never been in such a position in a d/s relationship but I do know some relationships take time outs so the members in it can rethink things.  I did that in my marriage, and the end result from the clarity I was able to receive was that I did not belong in that marriage, even after so many years.

I haven't followed your activities, misst, but I am of the understanding that this is a fairly new relationship for you.  If you need to step away soon after entering it, it could be that entering it in the first place was an error.  I hope you get the clarity you seek, and if you walk away, that you can learn from it when approaching relationships in the future.  Personally speaking, I have done that and approach potential relationships much differently now.  I've averted a couple of bad (for me) situations as a result.


_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.



(in reply to missturbation)
Profile   Post #: 59
RE: Time out !! - 5/11/2009 12:29:17 PM   
dreamerdreaming


Posts: 2839
Status: offline 		Fast reply, not having read the entire thread:

Misst,

Whatever is going on with you, I've always liked you and I wish you the best. Off the top of my head, if you think you need a break to think things over, I trust your best judgement. Because you are the best judge of what you need, presumably.

I liked what IronBear had to say about taking breaks. If my felt he needed a break to think things over, I would insist on regular contact during it, in which we affirm our dynamic. Nothing much, just I would let him know that he's still my most valuable possession by far. I would want to reassure him, and myself as well, that everything will be alright.

_____________________________

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(in reply to NuevaVida)
Profile   Post #: 60
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