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RE: Doms still seeking while considering you - 5/11/2009 12:49:09 PM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kitteneedsmate

i was not "checking' on Him. i was followin instruction to send him the messages from any whho contact me  and i saw that he was online as His profile was in the featured box.


Is it possible he was online to see if you had sent him anything?

I do think though that quite often submissives tend to 'submit' without having a clear understanding of how the other perceives things.

(in reply to kitteneedsmate)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Doms still seeking while considering you - 5/11/2009 2:55:30 PM   
beargonewild


Posts: 22716
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		Until such time that a Dom/Master and myself have agreed to enter into a d/s dynamic then while I'm under consideration thus so is the Dom/Master.


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(in reply to kuteone)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Doms still seeking while considering you - 5/11/2009 2:56:50 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		I couldn't be told to do anything while we were still in the getting to know each other stage. What I could have accepted, and was, was being asked to focus just on him while he focused just on me. This allowed both of us to see if we were sufficiently compatible, if we liked each other enough to meet, etc. He can tell you anything, and you have the right to refuse anything that doesn't work for you.

In re you forwarding other people's mail to him. Have you placed it on your profile that no mail will be private but will be spread about the net? Because I don't feel I have the right to do this to other people without their consent. Putting it into your profile tells them what will happen so they can't complain about getting heavy handed mail from him. Although since you aren't an item yet, I think he's out of line.

Basically, does this work for you? You have to act like you're already collared yet he's allowed to sniff after every skirt walking by. If it works for you and makes you feel warm and fuzzy, great. If it doesn't then that's a sign of incompatibility because he's going to do this after you two become an item. He's proved it by his actions. If he wants to prove that he's capable of a monogamous relationship, and you are proving that you are capable of it, then he needs to change what he's doing. Because all he's proving to you now is that he isn't.

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RE: Doms still seeking while considering you - 5/11/2009 3:12:53 PM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline 		Personally, like others, I think that each considers the other.  If this were a non-BDSM situation where you were talking with someone and getting to know them, perhaps dating in the real world (as opposed to online), would you consider the concept of you dating him exclusively while he dated others?  I know I wouldn't.  It all comes down to what you are searching for.  But it does seem like many "doms" try to demand a great deal of trust before earning it.  If you don't like the situation you are in, don't stay in it.  You have committed to nothing if all you have at the moment is that he "might" want to persue something with you.

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Doms still seeking while considering you - 5/11/2009 4:21:18 PM   
marysdream


Posts: 126
Joined: 5/31/2008
Status: offline 		yeah well in anybody's book that would suck..and not happen at least knowingly with me!
ree 

(in reply to kuteone)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Doms still seeking while considering you - 5/11/2009 10:31:26 PM   
MidnightKat5000


Posts: 97
Joined: 1/10/2009
Status: offline 		Welcome to the world of double standards.  

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RE: Doms still seeking while considering you - 5/11/2009 10:34:59 PM   
daddysliloneds


Posts: 1351
Joined: 6/28/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kuteone

Jsut curious......does it bother you  that after you are placed under consideration by a Dom/Master and you are told you are not to have any more contact with other men  that the Dom is still on this site daily or more often  still searching??  


nope, it doesn't bother me at all. why? well, i don't buy into the under consideration bullshit; you either want me or you don't, end of story!

(in reply to kuteone)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Doms still seeking while considering you - 5/12/2009 2:38:52 AM   
corsetgirl


Posts: 824
Joined: 5/22/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: GYPZYQUEEN

 This man is controlling your messages??
..Have you met him?..what is he considering..?
HOW?
what is your experience?/ his??

I was wondering about that, too. However, sometimes I am on this site but not searching for anybody and I also like to participate in these message boards. I would talk to this dom and ask if he is a polydom. If this does not agree with what you are looking for in a dom, then move on and look for someone who is compatible to your needs.

I also feel that being under consideration can go two ways in the early stages of a D's relationship.

Good luck


(in reply to GYPZYQUEEN)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Doms still seeking while considering you - 5/12/2009 2:45:26 AM   
darklight17


Posts: 103
Joined: 3/30/2009
Status: offline 		I think if you like someone, and talk to them by other means, that it doesn't make you or them less interested by still conversing with others on a website. I have a lot of non-sexual conversations going on on this website. Now if someone asked me not to, I wouldn't. That would entail a fairly solid relationship though.

In D/s, what is good for the goose, isn't always good for the gander. If this is a major problem for you, you should bring it up. It's also quite possible that someone is talking to another, and still on this website to upgrade their forum icon. But who is shallow enough to do that? *halo*

Edited to form a coherent thought.

< Message edited by darklight17 -- 5/12/2009 2:48:50 AM >

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RE: Doms still seeking while considering you - 5/12/2009 3:15:02 AM   
EmelineRose


Posts: 38
Joined: 5/12/2009
Status: offline 		I would tell him what is sauce for the gander is sauce for the goose.  If he feels no sense of obligation or commitment in such circumstances, unless he has clarified his position (for example he has declared himself to be polyamorous) and you have consented to those conditions, why should he expect you to feel a greater sense of commitment? 

"Never make someone your priority when you remain their option" - one of the wisest things ever said IMHO.

(in reply to kuteone)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Doms still seeking while considering you - 5/12/2009 3:37:11 AM   
Zechriel


Posts: 308
Joined: 11/19/2007
Status: offline 		Good morning!
Oh I hate when that happens! My last Dom had profiles on here and a few other sites. While I was under consideration and told to change my profile to "friends only" he didn't.  Even when I was at the point of being owned by him, he would not change it b/c ..and he told me after I put my foot down about leaving and he as not going to let me...he always wanted more than one sub. NOT!! I know this word is a no-no in D/s but I was always screaming in my head, "It's not FAIR!" lol

Daddy and I met on the other "Meat Market" and as soon as I was considered, he changed his profile, as I did. Then when he collared me, we both deleted those accounts. Finally after about 6 months of listing myself here as "friends only", I asked him to join me as a couple (got tired of too many horny Doms sending mail, not reading profiles) and he did. Now we are a couple and HE handles the mail. To me, it is just rude to seek while you have someone who thinks it will be monogamous. Unless you right up front tell then it it poly and then like someone said..it is your bed. Good luck!
Love,
Zechriel


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Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Doms still seeking while considering you - 5/12/2009 3:57:39 AM   
lally2


Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline 		i think its a teensy weensy bit early to have you put youreself under consideration before youve even met each other.

under consideration to me means that both parties have met, established something and are not quite ready to make the big announcement.  relationships can and do go pear shaped even after youve met and built something. 

dont get me wrong, i think its how alot of people 'feel' before they meet and alot of people do not go searching whilst they feel optimistic about someone, but until they meet the field is still open to everyone concerned IF they choose that to be so.

if you think this D is still looking whilst youre in stasis then that puts you in a state of uncertainty.  asking may not clear up the question in youre head either.  in the end you need to meet him and make the all important decision about whether he is for you or not and actually vice versa.

so far as i can make out, until something has been absolutely agreed upon people still look incase the person theyre talking to doesnt work out.  so often its the case that you get on brilliantly on line and on the phone and then you meet them and it just doesnt spark off.  its a form of insurance really.

one other cautionary note:  focusing on someone to the extent that you think and feel under consideration and therefore partially owned can put you in a dead space if it doesnt pan.  in youre position i would probably show willing but request a meet fairly soon before you get too settled into the idea that this is a dead cert.  nothing is certain until that happens.

(in reply to EmelineRose)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Doms still seeking while considering you - 5/12/2009 5:11:00 AM   
SassySarijane


Posts: 1558
Joined: 12/20/2007
From: KC Area Missouri
Status: offline 		I don't do under consideration. We are either getting to know each other and forming a relationship or we're not. If I haven't met the person face to face I'm not going to submit and obey them because I do not know them and can't build up trust to do so unless I know them face to face. Friendship is as far as I can go online and there are very few of those and all but 3 I have met face to face so far. Acquaintance is generally my limit in online interaction. I'm certainly not going to forward my correspondance to them, nor am I going to stop talking to other men since I have men who are friends and only friends.

Just because someone is still coming online on here doesn't mean they are still looking for another. They might be checking mail and corresponding with friends and reading and posting on the message boards like a lot of us do; and checking the profile of a poster to get a feel for the type of person who made a certain post. I know often times it does turn out that the guy is still looking while not wanting you to be and hiding it, I just wanted to point out that it's not necessarily always the case.

That said, as quoted by another poster, never make someone a priority who treats you as, makes you, an option, and until you actually meet the person face to face and get to know them in person, I wouldn't get too heavily invested in them. They can seem wonderful online, lots of chemistry, etc., and then when you meet face to face, no chemistry and very different from how they were online.

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(in reply to lally2)
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RE: Doms still seeking while considering you - 5/12/2009 6:14:32 AM   
sambamanslilgirl


Posts: 10926
Joined: 2/5/2007
From: Chicago, IL
Status: offline 		honestly, i feel "under consideration" is a bunch of bullcrap. it's someone's way of saying "i like you but i really don't like you that much ...yet."

Daddy knew what He wanted and liked what He saw when choosing me as His daughter.


< Message edited by sambamanslilgirl -- 5/12/2009 6:16:03 AM >

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RE: Doms still seeking while considering you - 5/12/2009 7:42:33 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sambamanslilgirl

honestly, i feel "under consideration" is a bunch of bullcrap. it's someone's way of saying "i like you but i really don't like you that much ...yet."
I feel much the same. It's along the lines of "I think I want you, but until I make up my mind I don't want anyone else to think they want you."

I don't do "under consideration". I do dating until I get to know you enough to decide if I like and trust you enough to make a choice.



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RE: Doms still seeking while considering you - 5/12/2009 7:53:14 AM   
peppermint


Posts: 5169
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kitteneedsmate

i was not "checking' on Him. i was followin instruction to send him the messages from any whho contact me  and i saw that he was online as His profile was in the featured box.


(nods)  Yes, he's online and you are not checking up on him.  I get that part.  However, you know him so well, and trust him so well that you feel he is looking for another.  If you didn't have concerns as to what he is doing on this site then you wouldn't have posted your question to begin with. 

I think you need to get to know him better.  You also need to communicate with him more so that you understand what the each other thinks and feels.  It doesn't seem that you know him well enough to be "under consideration" to him at this time.  When you have both worked out the bugs in the relationship then perhaps you will both figure out if you even have a relationship at all. 

(in reply to kitteneedsmate)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Doms still seeking while considering you - 5/12/2009 9:46:23 AM   
BrokenSaint


Posts: 301
Joined: 10/30/2007
Status: offline 		That really depends. Is he still actually searching? Or are you simply inferring he is by checking the last time he was on the site? I mean really, there are simple and complex explanations. More information is necessary to make a determination of anything.

For one, he could simply be talking to people that he has been. I've been known to do that, although I am often very late in responses to people. He also might not have updated his profile. Also, exactly how is he supposed to get the messages you send him from other people unless he is actually on the site?

Sounds a little like you're jumping at shadows. While it's within the norm, I think you need to communicate quite a bit more in what is meant and not meant in terms of where you both stand right now. It sounds as if that ambiguity has spiraled into the current situation, it needs to be taken care of or it will just spread.


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Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Doms still seeking while considering you - 5/12/2009 10:38:28 AM   
AlexandraLynch


Posts: 778
Joined: 3/24/2008
Status: offline 		I am a dominant woman married to a dominant man. He has a submissive girl.

The girl knows that her master likes to look at pictures,but that as he is a little shy in terms of first contacts, he won't likely actually message anyone. Looking at pictures hurts no one, and in fact he does occasionally send her messages with "I really like this costume on her, and I think it would look hot on you." or similar things.

While I am still actively looking, I'm looking for a male sub. His girl knows that, and she also knows that should I turn up a female sub I am probably not going to do much exploration of that; I have a female submissive who, though not mine, is willing to do various services for me. When I get a male sub, I will change my profile accordingly, and remain in contact with friends in the lifestyle. But we're lifestyle poly people, were poly before we got into WIITWD, and so the issue with other relationships tends to be running them right and getting them to fit well.

I think this may be an issue that needs to be talked about between the two of you, because there are some pretty large hurts capable of happening, and it's always best to fix problems when they are small.

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Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Doms still seeking while considering you - 5/12/2009 10:39:19 AM   
antipode


Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline
quote:

i was not "checking' on Him. i was followin instruction to send him the messages from any whho contact me


Let me put it this way: real men who have a real life do not spend entire days online, they have no interest in a girls' email, and they don't "consider" subbies or slaves. Most of the "men" that do this stuff just get off on manipulating you online, once they close the door of their den. Ask for his listed landline number, then call him at 2am, "I wanted to hear your voice", and listen to him blubbering and the wife hollerin' in the background...

(in reply to kitteneedsmate)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Doms still seeking while considering you - 5/12/2009 2:22:52 PM   
peppermint


Posts: 5169
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BrokenSaint

That really depends. Is he still actually searching? Or are you simply inferring he is by checking the last time he was on the site? I mean really, there are simple and complex explanations. More information is necessary to make a determination of anything.

For one, he could simply be talking to people that he has been. I've been known to do that, although I am often very late in responses to people. He also might not have updated his profile. Also, exactly how is he supposed to get the messages you send him from other people unless he is actually on the site?

Sounds a little like you're jumping at shadows. While it's within the norm, I think you need to communicate quite a bit more in what is meant and not meant in terms of where you both stand right now. It sounds as if that ambiguity has spiraled into the current situation, it needs to be taken care of or it will just spread.



The main point here is that she did assume he is looking and so wrote the OP.  That means there is lack of trust and lack of communication somewhere in this relationship.  They need to get those 2 items taken care of BEFORE there is talk of any kind of collaring.  Otherwise she could be collared and have no idea what he means by offering his collar.  That leads to posts asking whether a Dominant is being fair to a submissive because he does X, Y or Z, or whether what the Dominant is doing is normal for all Dominants. 

Communication, communication, communication...then trust. 

(in reply to BrokenSaint)
Profile   Post #: 40
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