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Privacy - 5/11/2009 9:13:36 PM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline 		I have been thinking about this for some time and something I encountered this weekend gave me pause.  I was thinking about how some are quick to violate the deeply personal choice of their partner to keep their preferences private.  I know.  Some will be coming from the camp of wanting people to be proud of who and what they are (and I am despite being for lack of a better term "in the closet").  There will be those that are pretty adamant that it is no one's business what they do in this realm of life and encourage a tightly shut door.

Regardless of the position, I just really believe folks have to have some ability to determine what is best for their particular situation.  I don't think this is a place to for a partner to play fast and loose.  There are usually reasons for careful discretion to be exercised.  It often has nothing to do with shame or self acceptance.  It is often due to family or career matters or other very sensitive issues.  This is not always the case, but even so, it seems that no one can really force someone to come to terms with themselves by attempting to bypass internal processing.

I guess it is true that some submissives can manage to place a dominant in a tough position that risks exposing them in a very outright way, but I really can't think of a specific example.  It is a common thing to come up on the boards that a dominant wants the submissive to wear a very obvious collar, have to go to vanilla events where marks will show, and other things.  Then there is an ackward position created.  Comply or keep a very intimate area of your life private which would require disobedience. 

I know.  Communication et al.  I am well aware.  Still the occassional conflict of interests can occur.  What do you do when you have to choose?  What would be some good reasons for forcing this particular issue?  What responsibility do you take for fallout you cause in others' lives (I am presuming the person means enough to you that you care)?  These aren't my only questions, just a few.

lovingpet 
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RE: Privacy - 5/11/2009 9:16:21 PM   
Arpig


Posts: 9930
Joined: 1/3/2006
From: Increasingly further from reality
Status: offline
quote:

What would be some good reasons for forcing this particular issue? 

I don't really see any, other than wanting to be a jerk about it

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RE: Privacy - 5/11/2009 9:24:19 PM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline 		I more or less tend to agree.  It will be interesting to see if anyone has an insight to the contrary.  I just find it odd how we sometimes push each other into a spotlight that is not necessarily wanted or beneficial thoughtlessly at times.  That was a generalization, and I know it is not true of all.

lovingpet

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RE: Privacy - 5/11/2009 9:27:04 PM   
DavanKael


Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline 		What do you do when you have to choose?
****It depends wholly on the circumstance and I answer more from being in poly- relationships than overtly D/s ones.  My ex- and I were rather out with most folks in our personal lives with the exception of to his father.  He did not with tht ot be the case, so it wasn't.  'Course, he introduced his Dad to a female who was a part of a couple we were in a relationship with and the couple's ums.  His Dad didn't like her and it struck me as rather obvious he knew something was up. 
After my ex- and I broke up, my boss took me out to lunch to make sure I was okay.  It was very nice of her.  Being a counselor also, she was asking me some rather depthful questions then based on my answers, implied that my ex- had been cheating on me.  Now, I'd not been at the job very long and I wasn't 'out' there but, in that instance, it wounded my ego more to be thought of as the clueless, self-deluding spouse that was being cheated on, than risking being thought of as a 'freak' or some such.  So, I told her I got the gist of what she was saying and did she want to risk having too much information about me via my explaining why I asserted what I did with such certainty.  She said go ahead, I explained that we had been in a poly situation.  She blinked and said, "That almost never works" and that was that.  < shrug > 
In the past, when we had relationships with people who had ums, we deferred strongly to their wishes, much the same in instances of kink, I'd think.  It's a matter of coming to an understanding and an acceptable place for all (Or as acceptable as possible). 

What would be some good reasons for forcing this particular issue?
Well, I'm a big fan of the phrase "I'm joyously a dirty little girl but I hate being a dirty little secret".  That sort of feeling would cause me to push and has. 

What responsibility do you take for fallout you cause in others' lives (I am presuming the person means enough to you that you care)? 
If I'm in their lives and we're in a relationship, I endeavor to protect their personal lives.  If we've broken up, they're on their own.  If they've wronged me, depending on the degree, all bets may be off.  Yes, I know, some folks may think ill of me for that one and ah, well...it's an honest answer.
  Davan

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(in reply to Arpig)
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RE: Privacy - 5/12/2009 2:43:57 AM   
silkncarol


Posts: 318
Status: offline 		I've only had this come up once in my last D/s relationship.  It involved the introduction between someone from the lifestyle and my family....not always a bad thing, but someone who i considered way "over the top" and would never have brought into my family circle.   He and i  had drawn up a contract when we entered into our relationship that covered aspects of family/lifestyle interaction, so i asked Master if we could discuss the situation..i explained my feelings, he thought about it and decided i had a valid concern, had overstepped something we had agreed on and changed his position.  It was the only time i ever had the need to refer back to our contract on a matter, but it did solve the conflict of interest issue.  I know many don't believe in contracts, but for me i think it helps each person in clearly defining what they want, what they expect from the relationship...

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RE: Privacy - 5/12/2009 4:34:50 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		It just comes down to incompatibility. If a sadist wants to mark all over the bottom in play, and the bottom has to restrict visible marks it may just not be sufficiently pleasurable for him to restrict what he's doing and worrying about what's safe to hit and what isn't.

If a bottom really loves going to munches and playing at the public dungeon and private parties then she's incompatible with a top who is afraid of losing his job or his position on the school board should his proclivities become known.

Instead of trying to force others to do it your way, just agree that you aren't compatible.

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RE: Privacy - 5/12/2009 5:19:32 AM   
CatdeMedici


Posts: 2257
Joined: 10/20/2008
Status: offline 		I would never compromise nor expect to be compromised.  Like Des stated, if that was the case, then we are incompatible end of story.

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"Let's see-whips, dips, chains, chips, yep sounds like a party to Me!"

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RE: Privacy - 5/12/2009 5:42:57 AM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline 		Compatability could be a factor.  Most times though, I tend to think it is a bit more innocuos, but has major consequences.

lovingpet

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RE: Privacy - 5/12/2009 5:46:11 AM   
frankieboy52


Posts: 91
Joined: 4/29/2009
Status: offline 		well let's see..i have played at a private house party but in public and i hated it.i was attached face forward to a St.Andrews cross and flogged with different floggers with the one made out of rubber bands that still stands out in my mind.Of course the impact play became more intense as the flogging went on and i was writhing and wiggling and doing the "i am getting my ass beat dance".it was uncomfortable with all those eyes on me and even a couple of comments made that i overheard.Not my cup of tea.

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Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Privacy - 5/12/2009 6:20:00 AM   
CallaFirestormBW


Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline 		See, this is a question I ask up front... "Are you able to be out in public and do you have any issues with potentially being connected to a publicly poly, publicly alt-lifestyle household?" If they said yes, then being with us probably wouldn't be a good idea, because people come and go around our household, our offspring bring their friends to talk about issues they're having, and I speak at events and provide resources for local law enforcement, etc. Although our servants are re-named and go by the House name when in the household, there is still the chance of being recognized.

Now, on occasion, we have had someone who was training with us who was still 'closeted'. The individuals in question weren't going to be permanent parts of the household, and so they went into "protection" collars which designated that they were "below stairs only"... no social service when we had public stuff going on in the household, and nobody was allowed to discuss anything about them, even in their alternative personas, outside the walls of the House.* We don't do that often, frankly, because it is a HUGE stressor on the household and, we believe, unhealthy. Especially because we discourage lying, either by commission or omission, it becomes a tensile event to have someone in the household who requires us to be hidden and secretive. Because of this, we prefer to be up-front about wanting someone who -doesn't- have issues, because we feel that it is inappropriate to force someone out of the closet before they're ready.

Now, with that being said, if someone were to come to us and say that they had no problem with the way that we believe, and then turn around and try to renege when something public that required the person to be exposed came up... I think I would push the issue. My reasoning is that, if they really -aren't- comfortable being open, then they probably don't belong in our house, AND they lied to me. If they're using the closet as a way of avoiding their duties, that is unacceptable as well... so for me, once someone has agreed to the rules of the household and to yield to our direction, that is NOT the time to try to put on the brakes.

*See the earlier post on "Tell me about collars" to see how we use the protection collar.

Dame Calla


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Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

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RE: Privacy - 5/12/2009 6:51:13 AM   
BoiJen


Posts: 2608
Joined: 3/7/2007
Status: offline 		I'm not going to justify outting anyone.

I will say coming out early makes it a lot harder for any to say "I'm shocked" or to try to reject you based on something that was already out there. My boss can't fire me for being out in the Leather scene if I was out when he hired me....no shock, no surprises, no shame. Makes life a lot easier.

boi
Future ruler of the Universe serving MsKitty
Silently plotting the revenge of the swine


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RE: Privacy - 5/12/2009 6:55:03 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		I have to agree with the last two comments.  In fact, I even have it in My profile that if you are not "out" there's no way that it's going to be possible to play.  I completely get that some people have reasons that don't allow them to be as open publicly, but that in itself creates a huge compatibility issue with Me.  

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Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

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Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Privacy - 5/12/2009 6:57:21 AM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline 		LAdy P.. I'm pretty much 'out'..

just sayin' ;)


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Supreme Goddess of Snark
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Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

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RE: Privacy - 5/12/2009 7:06:39 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		I don't worry about it for myself. Most of the people that know me, wouldn't be surprised. Even if they were, whatever reaction they have, isn't really going to bother me much.

However, I am very understanding that most people want or need some degree of privacy with either those they work with, or are related to.

Because I live a low key, laid back, type life, it wouldn't be a problem. I don't see the need to shove my personal business in other's faces.


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Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

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RE: Privacy - 5/12/2009 7:23:11 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: GreedyTop

LAdy P.. I'm pretty much 'out'..

just sayin' ;)


Yes, but would the Pirate let Me play with you? 


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to GreedyTop)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Privacy - 5/12/2009 7:34:17 AM   
army101


Posts: 42
Joined: 5/2/2009
Status: offline 		Privacy of course is always good if both partners live in the same town/city. Never know who you will run into in public?
Thats were "road trips" bring in the fun public outings esp the woods where no one can hear them moan or shout.

Privacy can be safe, but some public play is very fun as well, as kinky, which equals fun!

(in reply to LaTigresse)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Privacy - 5/12/2009 7:36:01 AM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline 		He's thinking about it...  ;)

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

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RE: Privacy - 5/12/2009 7:40:31 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		Well, didn't that just give Me an extra smile this morning?  

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to GreedyTop)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Privacy - 5/12/2009 7:43:14 AM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline 		:D  (I'm encouraging him as much as possible)

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Privacy - 5/12/2009 7:48:17 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline 		One of my absolute lines in the sand is that my family never finds out. It would destroy my mother and I don't want to cause her that pain.

We play at public parties but pretty much keep our private lives private.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

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