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RE: Emotional Intelligence and BDSM - 5/14/2009 3:35:32 AM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline
quote:

Do you think there is a higher incidence of people who are emotionally intelligent in the BDSM community than in the vanilla community?


LOL...no

quote:

Is emotional intelligence a prerequisite for exploring BDSM fantasies?
No

quote:

Do males and females have the same level of emotional intelligence?


People in general do not have the same levels. Has nothing to do with gender imo.

quote:

Is this the same in the vanilla and BDSM populations?


Yes

Bdsm doesn't make you special. Doesn't make you more or less.

As the saying goes...you're special....just like everyone else.

(in reply to SailingBum)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Emotional Intelligence and BDSM - 5/14/2009 4:05:59 AM   
Bstardsbitch


Posts: 154
Joined: 11/19/2005
Status: offline 		Emotional IQ also represents being happy with what you got, and striving to work hard to get stuff. These are the type of people Women want to be with, and look for.....
What "stuff" may I ask, we're not all materialistic gold diggers you know lol.

As for the OP, I agree with littlewonders answers, although sometimes reading these forums, it can seem that people lose ALL intelligence when it comes to exploring BDSM.
xx

(in reply to littlewonder)
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RE: Emotional Intelligence and BDSM - 5/14/2009 4:15:48 AM   
stella41b


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From: SW London (UK)
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quote:

ORIGINAL: chronos1976

Do you think there is a higher incidence of people who are emotionally intelligent in the BDSM community than in the vanilla community?



I just see a higher incidence among certain people, I don't perceive any BDSM or vanilla community.. Nor do I see any logical connection between sexual intercourse and BDSM.

quote:

ORIGINAL: chronos1976

Is emotional intelligence a prerequisite for exploring BDSM fantasies?



Awareness is not emotional intelligence. Some degree of awareness might be a prerequisite for exploring BDSM fantasies.

quote:

ORIGINAL: chronos1976

Do males and females have the same level of emotional intelligence? Is this the same in the vanilla and BDSM populations?



These divisions between male/female and BDSM/vanilla are too general and too vague to mean anything, I just see people, individuals.


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Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Emotional Intelligence and BDSM - 5/14/2009 4:25:46 AM   
PeonForHer


Posts: 19612
Joined: 9/27/2008
Status: offline 		Must admit, regards general intelligence levels - I do see a general, higher level of brainpower, at CM than I've seen on many other sites.  Likewise, I've had that same rough impression at BDSM venues.   Not to say that there aren't dimwits, screwballs and fakes here by any means - but even these are of a higher quality (!)than I've seen elsewhere.  Just my impression so far, mind you.

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RE: Emotional Intelligence and BDSM - 5/14/2009 5:06:33 AM   
GYPZYQUEEN


Posts: 730
Joined: 4/14/2009
Status: offline 		EI..
"The mental ability we are born with which gives one emotional sensitivity and potential for emotional management skills that help us maximize our long term health,happiness and survival" HEIN
 
Emotional intelligence  include "levels"..such as emotions to help you think..to understand what causes them..or managing to stay with them in order to capture the wisdom of them/

Regulation of our emotions promotes healing..growth ..change..

The ability to stay open to feelings wheather pleasamt or unpleasent and not.. block..deny etc suggest a "higher" level of emotional intelligence...monitoring emotional in regards to others or relation  to self to others does as well.
 
WE can span a line/levels of EI from simply perceiving and expressing..
to reacting or responding which many do not "evolve" past
 all the way to
mederating and enhancing at a consicous level without repression the information emotions may convey.
 
I feel there are those in the BDSM world who are highly functioning at a level of emotional intelligence which is quite profound in relation to
"capturing wisdom from emotion" and being highly aware of emotions in regards to self and others..
There are also some who do not function past the basic rudiments of brain stem function

 
1)*IT SHOULD be a prerequisite for BDSM activites..
2)*It is no different in vanilla or BDSM..I have a step father who is a minister and a buddy who runs a trapline who have HIGH HIGH emotional intelligence
3)** Women and men emote ,express and feel differently but it it not higher in women..just different..each evolving in different ways choosing to to heal..grow or change
or simply idle/stagnate. 
 
 

GQ

< Message edited by GYPZYQUEEN -- 5/14/2009 5:16:01 AM >

(in reply to PeonForHer)
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RE: Emotional Intelligence and BDSM - 5/14/2009 5:42:41 AM   
lally2


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Joined: 4/16/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: PeonForHer

Must admit, regards general intelligence levels - I do see a general, higher level of brainpower, at CM than I've seen on many other sites.  Likewise, I've had that same rough impression at BDSM venues.   Not to say that there aren't dimwits, screwballs and fakes here by any means - but even these are of a higher quality (!)than I've seen elsewhere.  Just my impression so far, mind you.


oh god that made me laugh!!

i dont think that everyone in bdsm is different to everyone in vanilla, i dont think we have become a sub-species of human being that has an angle on EQ that out strips everyone else.  but....,

because of the emotional and physical intimacy that we engage in the levels of interpersonal knowledge possibly does go deeper. because communication and trust are well honed tools in these relationships because they have to be, there is possibly a correlation between EQ and bdsm folk because to understand who we are submitting to and Dominating we have to understand them very well and that includes their emotions.  whether that makes sex better is down to each person to compare and decide for themselves.

(in reply to PeonForHer)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Emotional Intelligence and BDSM - 5/14/2009 6:00:55 AM   
PeonForHer


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Well, put it this way: there's a special requirement to communicate between partners in the world of BDSM.   Maybe, more so than outside of that world, necessity is the mother of invention. 

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RE: Emotional Intelligence and BDSM - 5/14/2009 6:05:47 AM   
missturbation


Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: PeonForHer



Well, put it this way: there's a special requirement to communicate between partners in the world of BDSM.   Maybe, more so than outside of that world, necessity is the mother of invention. 


There is? Care to share what that is?

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RE: Emotional Intelligence and BDSM - 5/14/2009 6:22:09 AM   
tiinkerbell


Posts: 96
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quote:

ORIGINAL: missturbation

quote:

ORIGINAL: PeonForHer



Well, put it this way: there's a special requirement to communicate between partners in the world of BDSM.   Maybe, more so than outside of that world, necessity is the mother of invention. 


There is? Care to share what that is?

I would like to second that 'please share what it is'.
This is something that has me very confused; the idea that communication is different.

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RE: Emotional Intelligence and BDSM - 5/14/2009 6:24:24 AM   
IrishMist


Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: tiinkerbell


quote:

ORIGINAL: missturbation

quote:

ORIGINAL: PeonForHer



Well, put it this way: there's a special requirement to communicate between partners in the world of BDSM.   Maybe, more so than outside of that world, necessity is the mother of invention. 


There is? Care to share what that is?

I would like to second that 'please share what it is'.
This is something that has me very confused; the idea that communication is different.

There is no difference; and anyone who tries to say that there is, is speaking out of their ass


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Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Emotional Intelligence and BDSM - 5/14/2009 6:26:34 AM   
missturbation


Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
Status: offline 		Agreed

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What you don't witness with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth. Proverb.

If it fit's in a toaster, i can cook it.

Buying 10 item's or less is not shopping !!

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Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Emotional Intelligence and BDSM - 5/14/2009 11:36:52 AM   
PeonForHer


Posts: 19612
Joined: 9/27/2008
Status: offline 		I would like to second that 'please share what it is'.
This is something that has me very confused; the idea that communication is different.

I wasn't talking about a different kind of communication (even if that were possible) - but a requirement for more of the usual kind. 

It's a simple thought, really.  It's hard for people to make partnerships work and that takes a lot of communication even in the vanilla world.  Here, in the BDSM world, we have all the same demands made on us to communicate with one another as in the vanilla world - plus the extras of needing to understand a dominant, switch or submissive partner. 

That understanding of a dominant, switch or submissive partner is made more difficult in at least two ways.  The first is that there's very little in the outside world to educate us, as we grow up, about BDSM partnerships.  We see little about them on the screen nor read about them in books. We're certainly not taught about them in school.  When we do get to an age when society deems it OK to learn about them, we find that the 'education' about BDSM that does exist is largely crap.  I've been a 'fly on the wall' of many, many people's vanilla partnerships - in the form of novels, soaps on the TV, films, plays . . . for as far back as I can remember.  All I know about other people's D/s relationships, though, comes from what they say here or at similar sites (which is often good) or from soft porn (which is usually not good). 

The second reason why I think there's a bigger demand on our communicative abilities in the BDSM world is because, in the absence of any proper 'education' of our feelings and how they might work in the real world - we invent worlds for them.  BDSM desires are going to go somewhere, so they'll go into fantasy.  The fantasies will become deeper, more and more personal, and less realistic, the less they're exposed to the tempering effect of education about BDSM from real life.  In the end, even if a sub and dom meet, they may well have internal worlds of fantasy that they've never communicated before - but now need to communicate with their partner.  It may well not be easy . . . .

All in all (and if we're lucky enough to get into the BDSM relationships that we seek) we'll be needing to communicate feelings that, compared to the vanilla world, we've learned late in life.  What little language we have to communicate lots of feelings associated with BDSM is new and still quite hotly contested.   

But this is a long-winded answer to your question.  A short answer would be: If anyone doubts that communicative abilities are needed- in large amounts and urgently - in the world of BDSM, just check the Ask a Mistress forum for what they say about the communicative abilities of subs who make approaches to them.  It's painful reading.

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Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Emotional Intelligence and BDSM - 5/14/2009 1:11:51 PM   
lally2


Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline 		ive just been browsing through all the boards, people trying to fathom out people and then it occurred to me - just a question, since i dont go to mainstream discussion/dating sites.  how many mainstream 'nilla sites discuss their relationships in the same way that bdsm discuss theirs, to the level that we do, with the intent of trying to get to grips with communication/emotions/relationships/needs and desires.  is there one? - im genuinely curious.

(in reply to PeonForHer)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Emotional Intelligence and BDSM - 5/14/2009 2:48:27 PM   
PeonForHer


Posts: 19612
Joined: 9/27/2008
Status: offline 		If there is such a 'nilla site, I've not seen it.  For me, now, I've realised I just have to talk about things with a dominant because it goes awry so quickly otherwise.

For instance, recently, I got really friendly with one.  We chatted a lot on the phone.  I helped her - I think - with something she was going through.  That didn't feel like my offering a 'submissive service' - it was just ordinary help for a friend.  Then, suddenly, she sprang a 'task' on me.  For various reasons I was offended.  She was even more offended that I was offended.  It boiled down to this: that her ordering me to do something was an expression of her fondness for me.  I hadn't seen that.  I thought the opposite: that she was just playing with me - that I was a 'toy' when, actually, I'd been trying to be a proper, good friend to her.  Simple communication breakdown, as a result of old assumptions.

So, yes, maybe a million, apparently tiny, things need to be communicated in a D/s relationship that wouldn't need to be thought about in a 'nilla relationship.  I'd guess, though, that there's an upside for us BDSMers: we'd get so used to communicating that this will help sort out 'nilla sorts of differences, as well.  From disadvantage comes advantage, and all that.  Maybe my next D/s relationship will last - unlike that of my parents and the five marriages of my three brothers and two sisters.

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Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Emotional Intelligence and BDSM - 5/14/2009 2:51:51 PM   
missturbation


Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
Status: offline
quote:

I wasn't talking about a different kind of communication (even if that were possible) - but a requirement for more of the usual kind. 

I disagree.
I think all relationships require good and frequent communication. No more and no less than each other.


_____________________________

What you don't witness with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth. Proverb.

If it fit's in a toaster, i can cook it.

Buying 10 item's or less is not shopping !!

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Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Emotional Intelligence and BDSM - 5/14/2009 3:01:45 PM   
PeonForHer


Posts: 19612
Joined: 9/27/2008
Status: offline 		But good communication means something different in each case.  A couple in which one speaks only English and the other, say, only Japanese, will have to work harder than a couple in which both speak English.  That, to me, is somewhat how it can be between a dominant and a submissive.

< Message edited by PeonForHer -- 5/14/2009 3:02:36 PM >

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RE: Emotional Intelligence and BDSM - 5/14/2009 4:09:16 PM   
tiinkerbell


Posts: 96
Status: offline 		PeonForHer

Thank you for taking the time to explain that. I can understand what you were saying now.
Again, thank you .

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- Some People walk in the rain; others just get wet -
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(in reply to PeonForHer)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Emotional Intelligence and BDSM - 5/14/2009 4:31:55 PM   
PeonForHer


Posts: 19612
Joined: 9/27/2008
Status: offline 		My pleasure - seriously.

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Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Emotional Intelligence and BDSM - 5/14/2009 5:28:39 PM   
Andalusite


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Joined: 1/25/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Prinsexx
However...i also know that i solve most issues using a high EQ. Ok so using an emotionl quotient like i do pisses a great many people off. Coupled woith being highly intuitive and extrovert i suppose i have the sort of personality you either love or hate.

Huh? If you have such a high Emotional IQ, then why on earth would so many people be angry at you or hate you?

I think that emotional IQ basically boils down to empathy, and being willing to analyse one's own and others' emotions. Guys usually don't want to talk about feelings quite that much, and certainly don't vivisect them!

(in reply to Prinsexx)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Emotional Intelligence and BDSM - 5/14/2009 6:59:14 PM   
MidMichCowboy


Posts: 665
Joined: 3/23/2007
Status: offline 		First ... Emotional IQ ... last 3 companies I worked at all had tests and classes for it. I asked HR reps what was best for my career to score ... and scored it. Was it really me ... hell no. But it made them all happy with me.

Second... I think any relationship that involves BDSM is more likely doomed to fail. Relationships are hard in the first place. Adding a kink or 10 into it and it becomes almost impossible. How many 50 year BDSM relationships do you know of? I do know some who have made it and I think they are fantastic. But most .... FAIL.

I've seen good friends hurt ... time after time. I haven't had the greatest luck. I often wish I was vanilla. It would make it much easier.

That is my observations. I am open to proof from others that I am wrong.


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