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RE: Emotional Intelligence and BDSM - 5/14/2009 7:07:53 PM

SIRLOINSTEAK

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quote:

ORIGINAL: IrishMist

quote:

ORIGINAL: tiinkerbell

quote:

ORIGINAL: missturbation

quote:

ORIGINAL: PeonForHer

Well, put it this way: there's a special requirement to communicate between partners in the world of BDSM. Maybe, more so than outside of that world, necessity is the mother of invention.

There is? Care to share what that is?

I would like to second that 'please share what it is'.
This is something that has me very confused; the idea that communication is different.

There is no difference; and anyone who tries to say that there is, is speaking out of their ass

This reminds me of a movie, Ace Ventura: Pet detective where Jim Carrey does speak out of his ass, literally.

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RE: Emotional Intelligence and BDSM - 5/14/2009 7:18:39 PM

heartcream

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quote:

ORIGINAL: lally2

ive just been browsing through all the boards, people trying to fathom out people and then it occurred to me - just a question, since i dont go to mainstream discussion/dating sites. how many mainstream 'nilla sites discuss their relationships in the same way that bdsm discuss theirs, to the level that we do, with the intent of trying to get to grips with communication/emotions/relationships/needs and desires. is there one? - im genuinely curious.

Emotional Intelligence in my opinion means having a real acceptance for emotions as a valid part of our beings. I dont believe we need to act in certain ways thereby giving us our EI ratings as excellent or not. To me it is the capacity to encompass all the emotions in an embrace of acceptance. All of them.

Of course it is important to be safe so if the emotions are very triggered it is important to be in a safe place and to take care of ourselves that we come to no harm expressing the way we feel. It is important to not hurt ourselves or others.

I love the emotions.

I think there is a vanilla site that is quite good. It does not have all the amazing features that CM has but it is pretty good. Like CM it is free. Plenty of Fish, plentyoffish, pof. It was created by a young man in Vancouver. He was studying some software and the best way to learn it was to set up a dating site. It was a fluke. It has grown to International status and the guy is very rich now. Once a page gets so many hits the advertising is automatic and one cheque he received was for a million dollars.

They have Forums there and many topics like here are covered. Ironically enough that is where I found out about this place, in the forums of pof. It is not as well done as CM but there is good discussion going on over there.

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RE: Emotional Intelligence and BDSM - 5/15/2009 7:58:36 AM

Padriag

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quote:

ORIGINAL: chronos1976

Do you think there is a higher incidence of people who are emotionally intelligent in the BDSM community than in the vanilla community?

Apparently you've not noticed all the silly arguments on the fourms, BDSMers can be just as dumb (or smart) as anyone else.

quote:

Is emotional intelligence a prerequisite for exploring BDSM fantasies?

Has stopped anyone so far.

quote:

Do males and females have the same level of emotional intelligence?

I don't think males and females have the same default level of anything!

quote:

Is this the same in the vanilla and BDSM populations?

People are people, so yeah, you get more or less the same mix regardess.

I'm interested in your thoughts.

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RE: Emotional Intelligence and BDSM - 5/15/2009 12:00:48 PM

IrishMist

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quote:

Apparently you've not noticed all the silly arguments on the fourms, BDSMers can be just as dumb (or smart) as anyone else.

dayumit LMAO

Next time give some warning please

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RE: Emotional Intelligence and BDSM - 5/15/2009 12:03:59 PM

sirsholly

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quote:

ORIGINAL: IrishMist

quote:

Apparently you've not noticed all the silly arguments on the fourms, BDSMers can be just as dumb (or smart) as anyone else.

dayumit LMAO

Next time give some warning please

thats why there is a forum here called Random Stupidity (and the fact that you will most often find me there speaks volumes)

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RE: Emotional Intelligence and BDSM - 5/15/2009 2:26:11 PM

chronos1976

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quote:

ORIGINAL: missturbation

quote:

I wasn't talking about a different kind of communication (even if that were possible) - but a requirement for more of the usual kind.

I disagree.
I think all relationships require good and frequent communication. No more and no less than each other.

Yes, all relationships REQUIRE good and frequent communication, but it doesn't necessarily HAPPEN.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Padriag
Apparently you've not noticed all the silly arguments on the fourms, BDSMers can be just as dumb (or smart) as anyone else.

Emotional Intelligence is a quantitative evaluation of emotional awareness and isn't linked to intelligence. There doesn't appear to be a clear unified definition of Emotional Intelligence so it is probably best left to the world of academia.

The concept of emotional awareness, however, applies to everyone regardless of culture. In my experience, it seems to range from people who can't recognize the feelings they have let alone express them, to people who are hypersensitive to peoples emotions. Biology would suggest that alpha males tend to be less emotionally aware while clinically depressed females are the most emotionally aware.

As for the BDSM community, I don't think people into BDSM are more or less intelligent than any other cross section of the populace, but demonstrate a degree of both emotional awareness and self awareness.

Neither emotional or self awareness is necessarily demonstrated by the general population. For example, I have a friend who drifts from one relationship to another without ever thinking why the relationship ended or what she wants from a relationship. It will never occur to her to ask those simple questions. Even if she did ask them, she wouldn't know how to assimilate and synthesize the answer. For her, relationships are something that just happen. I just can't see how someone like her could make the leap to BDSM activities.

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RE: Emotional Intelligence and BDSM - 5/15/2009 2:51:46 PM

RCdc

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quote:

ORIGINAL: chronos1976
Neither emotional or self awareness is necessarily demonstrated by the general population. For example, I have a friend who drifts from one relationship to another without ever thinking why the relationship ended or what she wants from a relationship. It will never occur to her to ask those simple questions. Even if she did ask them, she wouldn't know how to assimilate and synthesize the answer. For her, relationships are something that just happen. I just can't see how someone like her could make the leap to BDSM activities.

I am going to put myself out on the line here. How many people who participate in BDSM activities that you know on a personal level, are in stable, long term relationships and I mean REALLY long - not just five years or so? Now, then go ahead and tell many how many of those are monogamous? Just look at the message board as an example. I can name two, one if your speaking monogamy here. And that doesn't include ourselves because I don't believe we have made that long term finish line yet. Are you seriously suggesting that because a person feels that relationships just 'happen', that makes their ability to get into BDSM activities less likely? I totally call nonsence on that one.

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RE: Emotional Intelligence and BDSM - 5/15/2009 4:42:17 PM

Prinsexx

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Maybe i'm on the wrong tack here but anyway...
as a general perception one might say that being efficient, solving issues quickly, adopting new strategies, having excellent reaction time, solving necessary puzzles and calculations, proposing plans, listing goals...these are some of the many facets of what is known as solution focused intelligence. Those who move on quickly, have good time management, move jobs, house, location and get the speedy promotions, recognise advantageous situations and offer alternative outcomes... well i guess i would like to have more of that.
But i haven't.. i've more far more of the intuitive, empathy, creative understadning intelligence. i've found it very boring, unsatisfying and quite honestly, a partial prison, until recently, to stay monagamous. Doing anything repetitively, or for a sustained period of time, (except of course the instinctual part of mothering... i have remained steadfast at that) makes me apathetic to the point of sleep.
But there's two ways of interpreting this 'emotional' flitting. Negatively or positively. To me change is emotional growth, movement, moving on, is moving forward. Emotional change is emotional adaptation. OK so the lows are often deep dark vallies, but coming back out into the inevitable emotional sunlight is what makes the journey so worth it.
It's late and i can't express any of it any better than that except to say those others i recognise as being emoyionally intelligent are often accused of being immature. Yet there's a certain wonder in relating to world as openly as a child.

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RE: Emotional Intelligence and BDSM - 5/15/2009 5:09:13 PM

pinkwind

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i think it has more to do with being emotionally more self aware and in tune, coupled with good communication skills and having someone actively interested in listening, sharing.

i don't think that it is specifically kink driven thing, any sexually and emotionally assured person anywhere along the sexual spectrum could be a good communicator.

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RE: Emotional Intelligence and BDSM - 5/15/2009 5:49:15 PM

chronos1976

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark

I am going to put myself out on the line here. How many people who participate in BDSM activities that you know on a personal level, are in stable, long term relationships and I mean REALLY long - not just five years or so? Now, then go ahead and tell many how many of those are monogamous? Just look at the message board as an example. I can name two, one if your speaking monogamy here. And that doesn't include ourselves because I don't believe we have made that long term finish line yet. Are you seriously suggesting that because a person feels that relationships just 'happen', that makes their ability to get into BDSM activities less likely? I totally call nonsence on that one.

the.dark.

I think you slightly missed the point, which was probably due to my poor presentation of the idea. I wasn't suggesting anything related to relationship length.

What I was trying to convey is that to be involved in BDSM, you have to be aware of what your own desires, pleasures and needs are in order to define your role. If you can not define your own desires and needs, then you aren't able to define a role.

To use an analogy:
----------------------

Imagine your car. You can drive your car without knowledge of how it works. You are lacking mechanical awareness because you don't know the workings of the engine. In this sense, you are equivalent of lacking emotional awareness. It is not inhibiting you from using your car normally but you wont be able to increase the performance of your car.

Now imagine that changing the spark plugs (your desires and needs) improves performance. To be aware of this requires mechanical knowledge of how the engine works. This knowledge is like having emotional awareness. It is only because you know how the engine works, that you know that you want better spark plugs.

Now you can seek out a garage (the BDSM community) to find the spark plugs you want.

So:
----
What I was trying to say, was that my friend is like someone who just drives their car, operating it without knowing how they work. That is, unaware of their own desires and needs, lacking emotional awareness. They will never seek out the BDSM community (the garage) because they are unaware of their own desires and needs (they don't know about the spark plugs!).

I was then trying to convey that being involved in the BDSM community requires knowledge about how you work as a person, like a mechanic knows the workings of a car. That is, you require emotional awareness.

I hope this makes things clearer! :-)

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RE: Emotional Intelligence and BDSM - 5/15/2009 6:15:23 PM

IrishMist

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quote:

What I was trying to convey is that to be involved in BDSM, you have to be aware of what your own desires, pleasures and needs are in order to define your role.

What a crock of shit.

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RE: Emotional Intelligence and BDSM - 5/15/2009 11:59:27 PM

NihilusZero

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quote:

ORIGINAL: IrishMist

quote:

What I was trying to convey is that to be involved in BDSM, you have to be aware of what your own desires, pleasures and needs are in order to define your role.

What a crock of shit.

Not really. Trying to make any pervasive conclusions based on it would be hasty and probably excessive, but the process of involving one's self in WIITWD does involve a degree of personal epiphany beyond basic pheromonal sexual desires. Because of the fact that kink (as far as a situation in which someone would actively search out information on it) is a minority topic, it requires a person to have engaged an otherwise non-considered set of topics and preferences.

For instance, typical vanilla relationships do not involve the prior determination of who is more dominant or submissive...those personality traits just come out and get meshed and worked out on their own (for the most part). To even open an account here, one must choose the denominator (Dom, sub, switch) which they feel best describes what they seek.

Now, the difference may indeed be negligible if not altogether non-existent...because, I suppose there are uncountable variables of desires that one would need to introspectively explore and that the BDSM aspect is just one of those possibilities, but (at least ideally) the D/s dynamic is one that seems to force people to examine the specifics of what they want in what appears to be a more specific way than, presumably, vanilla interactions would.

< Message edited by NihilusZero -- 5/16/2009 12:00:54 AM >

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