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RE: how do other sub/ slaves handle these situations? - 5/25/2009 12:23:34 PM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

...I would like to find a way to express my feeflings and needs in a way that I am heard and leaves my Dom feeling good about me and our relationship...


this slave would encourage you to ask him...specifically...to give you examples of how you could express your feelings and needs in a way that is pleasing to him as opposed to the current way, however that is, which he views as disrespectful.  unless just expressing yourself, regardless of HOW is the problem, and if that's the case, then this slave sees two options:  suck it up and don't express yourself or leave.
 
this slave can't comprehend being involved in an intimate relationship and not having a mode of expression for one's thoughts/feelings/needs that would be considered acceptable and respectable to those involved.

(in reply to ThinkinBoutIt)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: how do other sub/ slaves handle these situations? - 5/25/2009 6:59:53 PM   
lilmisssubmiss


Posts: 284
Joined: 9/29/2008
Status: offline 		as other people have mentioned .....talk about it?

I mean talking comes quite naturally to me..and it's easy to tell if something is bothering me.

I wouldn't waste my time with a dom if I felt as if I couldn't go to him with questions/concerns/feelings. I wouldn't waste my time with a dom if he couldn't communicate.

I think one of the biggest jobs a dom has is to be there for you when you are feeling all those things you mentioned.... to help you understand yourself and the certain situation a bit better by talking about it.

(in reply to kallisto)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: how do other sub/ slaves handle these situations? - 5/25/2009 7:53:10 PM   
onlyfreelycaged


Posts: 254
Joined: 4/3/2007
Status: offline 		All I know is that if I'm in a relationship where I can't express my self freely, It won't work.
There is a huge difference in the way that something is expressed. IF the Dom thinks that you're topping from the bottom, you may be being using active voice instead of passive voice (that drive me totally up a wall).. well, it's not exactly passive voice verses active voice but that's the only way that I can explain it...

(in reply to lilmisssubmiss)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: how do other sub/ slaves handle these situations? - 5/25/2009 8:47:56 PM   
breatheasone


Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL:ThinkinBoutIt,
1. The Dom hurts your feelings

after i process the initial "shock" of being hurt, i let Him now i need to talk about something important. We talk We grow We learn We usually Both cry, lol and We feel better more connected and more One.

quote:

2. You are angry or frustrated

i calm the F*UCK down (cause noone wants this angry LOL) Then i go to Him and let Him know i have something important to talk about...and you can see above for the rest LOL.

Honestly i am going to be able to say the samething for every question....there is a certain amount of self control i need to have. Its my responsibility to be able to calmly have a discussion with my Master/Daddy. Its His responsibility to provide me an envirornment in which i feel free to do that. Thats my


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(in reply to ThinkinBoutIt)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: how do other sub/ slaves handle these situations? - 5/26/2009 3:45:04 AM   
barelynangel


Posts: 6233
Status: offline 		Okay this is sort of a comment upon the conversation you had with another poster more so than your original post because your original post answer is how did i handle those situations, let's see --- i pouted, got angry, got sad, brushed it off, yelled at him, thought he was a butthead, ignored it, and sometimes i actually even talked to him about it. Yep i displeased him, i disobeyed him, i got myself in trouble. Those days i still was his slave, i was just a slave who displeased, who disobeyed etc. He chose to give consequences, he chose to ignore me, he chose to fight with me, he chose to conjole me out of my upsetness, he chose to talk to me, or he chose to use me until i lost my mind.

I think the OP needs to determine whether or not she is going to be a submissive or a slave to this guy. If she is a slave (which is what i can comment on because its what i know) all in all, quit trying so hard. Just because you are a slave to him doesn't mean you give up your autonomy easily or for some completely. Also, i am a person who understands slavery can only occur if master and enslavement occur -- without that its simply a woman holding herself in what she believes slavery is versus the Man mastering her and creating the environment wherein she strives and maintains his expectations and standards.

From what it seems you listen or talk to everyone about the issues and yes I can see the Dom getting irritated. The problem is maybe if you focused on him and what HE is saying instead of running out asking everyone else, you may find yourself hearing him and understanding a lot better instead of have it a battle of wills wherein you feel he is not being fair.

Secondly, i am an opinionated woman, when i was a slave i still was an opinionated woman, however, what i learned under his mastery was as the slave, my opinions only mattered if he decided they matters. Otherwise, it was information for hin to determine its significance to him.

Also, don't mistake a dominant personality for being a domme. Don't mistake enjoyment in having control in general as being a domme. The concept of slavery exists through mastery, and his mastery will be what allows the transition.

Honestly, a TPE relatiolnship will not eliminate the power struggle at times, what the TPE should do is allow each of you to relax in your places in the relationship of what is defined. Its not always easy and just because you are slave doesn't mean your personality disappears.

All in all, i think you need to stop looking for everyone else to tell you what to do and how to deal with this and perhaps simply focus on him. Otherwise, its a concept of too many cooks in the kitchen and to me, you may not be perceiving everything as it really is only your take on it. And it will only serve to make things more complicated. If you trust him, then trust in yourself. Turn TO HIM, not everyone else to find your answers. And in the end, if you can't or the answers aren't the maintaining of what you and he want from each other, then you have other questions and answers to come up with.

angel

< Message edited by barelynangel -- 5/26/2009 3:49:09 AM >

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Profile   Post #: 25
RE: how do other sub/ slaves handle these situations? - 5/26/2009 5:22:39 AM   
sweetsub1957


Posts: 2201
Joined: 4/28/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ThinkinBoutIt

I understand that my role as a sub/ slave is to be subservient to a Dom.  And, I think it is my job to make things easier on him.  But, I find sometimes that I struggle with sutations where I am not able to express myself to my Dom.  I wonder if others struggle in any of these areas and how they have overcome.  So, how do other Sub/ slaves handle any the following:
  1. The Dom hurts your feelings
  2. You are angry or frustrated
  3. You have a desire or want (ie. sexual favor that you desire)
  4. You feel the Dom has misunderstood you or your intensions. 
  5. You disagree with the Dom
  6. You are disatisfied in any area of your relationship


Communication, communication, and communication, every time.  At first i just blurted things out & was accused of being too mouthy and sassy, rightly so because now i know i came across that way.  Now, this is the way i handle talking to, and communicating with, Him.  When i do so, i use "i" statements rather than "You" statements, as they are less accusatory.  For example, i will say "i felt  really hurt when You  xxx" rather than saying "You hurt my feelings when You xxx," as in #1.

    1. i would say "Sir, i felt really hurt when You xxx."
        That way He wouldn't feel attacked, like might happen if    
        i  made a "You statement" like "You hurt my feelings...."
    2. i would say "Sir, i feel angry/frustrated because xxx and really
        feel W/we should talk about it.  When would be a good
        time?"
    3. i would say "Sir, may i please have xxx?  It would really
        mean a lot to me."  Of course, it would be up to Him to say
        "Yes" or "No" and that would be the way it is, and i would
        be requesting & not demanding or expecting...therefore i
        would not be Topping from the bottom.
    4.  i would say "Sir, when i said xxx i might not have used the
         right words, but i was trying to say xxx.  i really didn't mean
         to come across like i was saying xxx."
    5.  i would say, "Sir, i know You have the last word and
         decision, but i really disagree with You on xxx.  i feel
         that xxx.  May W/we discuss why?"
     6. i would say "Sir, i really value O/our relationship, but i am
         really dissatisfied/unhappy with xxx and i really feel it
         needs to be discussed.  When would be a good time?"

It's really hard to argue with "i feel" statements.....that invalidates the person's feelings & how does O/one know what S/someone E/else is feeling, anyway?  That's how i have/would handle those situations and my Sir has never had a problem with the way i approach things.  Good luck with your communicating.


_____________________________

Member: Lance's Fag Hags.

"That's not just a chip on her shoulder, that's the whole potato!" ~Lady Angelika~

In lowering yourself to talking behind my back, you're perfectly positioned to kiss my ass.

An it harm none, do what ye wilt.

(in reply to ThinkinBoutIt)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: how do other sub/ slaves handle these situations? - 5/26/2009 7:26:17 AM   
Calandra


Posts: 725
Joined: 11/22/2004
Status: offline 		One good way to handle almost all of these situations is to come to Him/Her in a calm, respectful manner and ask for "permission to speak freely"

No one asks for permission to speak freely if they want to say something the Dom/me wants to hear, most likely. This approach does several things:
1.) It gives a subtle warning that the slave has something unpleasant or difficult to share.
2.) The Dom/me can assess whether they are able to calmly listen at that time (if not, the Dom/me can and SHOULD give a specific time that they can have free speech) Example: "not now, but we can discuss it after dinner"
3.) The Dom/me has given permission, so as long as the slave does not take liberties and become grossly disrespectful, almost ANY issue or emotion can be discussed.

_____________________________

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Athens, Ga.
House of Phoenix

"Nothing is ever final until you're dead - and even then I'm sure God negotiates" Anjelica Huston in Everafter

(in reply to ThinkinBoutIt)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: how do other sub/ slaves handle these situations? - 5/26/2009 7:54:40 AM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline 		Aside from agreeing with everything that beth said, this is how I handled the following when owned:

  • The Dom hurts your feelings
"My feelings are hurt because of what was said/done.  I'm trying to deal with this but I'm stuck and asking for your help."
  • You are angry or frustrated
"I am angry and frustrated because of this situation.  Can we talk about it please?

  • You have a desire or want (ie. sexual favor that you desire)
"I would love to experience _____ with you.  Is this something you'd be willing to do?"
  • You feel the Dom has misunderstood you or your intensions. 
"I feel you have misunderstood my intentions and I'd like to clarify, please."
  • You disagree with the Dom
"I respectfully disagree.  My I elaborate, please?"
  • You are disatisfied in any area of your relationship
"I have some concerns I'd like to be able to talk to you about, when the time is right..."


Use I statements, not accusatory statements.  You are speaking from your point of view, which may be different than his.  "You hurt me" doesn't sit quite as well as "I feel hurt in this situation."  The latter sentences has you taking ownership of your own feelings, rather than blaming them on him.  You may experience better results by owning your thoughts and feelings and presenting them as such.






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(in reply to ThinkinBoutIt)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: how do other sub/ slaves handle these situations? - 5/26/2009 8:54:38 AM   
littleone35


Posts: 2828
Joined: 2/17/2005
Status: offline 		If Master hurt my feelings i would say "Master my feelings wew hurt when you did or said....."

If i am angry or frustrated Master can tell he reads me like a book. I have to tell him what has made me angry or frustrated. So we can talk about it.

If there is something sexual i want i will ask him"Master i love when you______. " Then it is up to him if he does it or not.

If i disagree with him i will say i dont agree with that because_____. I am always respectful about it though.

I am not disatified in any are of my relationship. If i was i again would talk with him about it.

Matt's littleone

(in reply to NuevaVida)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: how do other sub/ slaves handle these situations? - 5/26/2009 9:07:07 AM   
RavenMuse


Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline 		In My relationship she isn't just encouraged to bring such things to Me, she is REQUIRED to. I maybe good but I am not a mind reader.

she picks an appropriate time.... clue, when I'm in the middle of something else isn't an appropriate time.

Asks if it is a good time to talk about something serious.... if it isn't then she knows I'll raise it as soon as whatever else is happening/taking up My attention is dealt with... "Right sweetie, what was it you wanted to talk about?"

Watch the attitude! Respectfully pointing out that what I said or did caused her to feel hurt or angry in some way will lead to discussion about why and better understanding on Both sides. Letting the anger/hurt spill out into inapropriate behaviour will lead to being disciplined and then timed out until the issue can be talked about calmly and respectfully.

As others have mentioned, sometimes she won't be able to find the words. If I can't help her find them once she has given Me some idea of what it is about then I get her to write it down and We discuss what she has written.


_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to kallisto)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: how do other sub/ slaves handle these situations? - 5/26/2009 9:18:15 AM   
camille65


Posts: 5746
Joined: 7/11/2007
From: Austin Texas
Status: offline 		I had a really difficult time communicating things like you've listed with my Owner in the beginning. I didn't know how to approach things in a way that conveyed my meaning without getting tangled up in the worry that I was doing it all wrong.

So he told me to write. Writing gives me the opportunity to craft my words until I am able to say what I really need to. I am not allowed to hide things from him if I feel hurt or upset, and since I've learned an efficient way of communication those things rarely happen now. My journal is a place where I can safely say things without reprecussion but never without discussion.

I felt like I was supposed to magically balance being the perfect submissive which would magically fulfill me and also magically make him very happy. Well not being able to tell him when I got confused over stuff got in the way. It took awhile to realize that although he is brilliant he just can't read my mind. Hiding my reactions damaged his control over me and made me feel worse.

So find a way using what so many wise people here have suggested. There is no one right way to do things, it will take practice and blending of ways.


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~Love your life! (It is the only one you'll get).




(in reply to RavenMuse)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: how do other sub/ slaves handle these situations? - 5/26/2009 10:17:21 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		OP
If he really is that insecure that anything you say which isn't "Oh Master you're so wonderful" gets you attacked, then you need to rethink why you're in this relationship. Or did he tell you upfront that he would never be able to hear that he's made a mistake? Because someone who can't deal with hearing he's wrong is not someone you can live with for the long term. Mommying their feelings does not engender passion and submissiveness.

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Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to kallisto)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: how do other sub/ slaves handle these situations? - 5/26/2009 1:47:22 PM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ThinkinBoutIt

I understand that my role as a sub/ slave is to be subservient to a Dom.  And, I think it is my job to make things easier on him.  But, I find sometimes that I struggle with sutations where I am not able to express myself to my Dom.  I wonder if others struggle in any of these areas and how they have overcome.  So, how do other Sub/ slaves handle any the following:
  1. The Dom hurts your feelings
  2. You are angry or frustrated
  3. You have a desire or want (ie. sexual favor that you desire)
  4. You feel the Dom has misunderstood you or your intensions. 
  5. You disagree with the Dom
  6. You are disatisfied in any area of your relationship


He knows me.. I mean REALLY knows me..........He'd KNOW something wasn't right and he'd pick that scab until he knew just what it was.

We're boring , we talk,............and as long as I don't call him a dolt, or something equally offensive, I can express myself in exactly the same way I would anyone else. He's a reasonable man; thoughtful, balanced and really rather decent.

agirl



(in reply to ThinkinBoutIt)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: how do other sub/ slaves handle these situations? - 5/26/2009 6:41:09 PM   
dreamerdreaming


Posts: 2839
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ThinkinBoutIt

I understand that my role as a sub/ slave is to be subservient to a Dom.  And, I think it is my job to make things easier on him.  But, I find sometimes that I struggle with sutations where I am not able to express myself to my Dom.  I wonder if others struggle in any of these areas and how they have overcome.  So, how do other Sub/ slaves handle any the following:
  1. The Dom hurts your feelings We talk about it.
  2. You are angry or frustrated  We talk about it.
  3. You have a desire or want (ie. sexual favor that you desire) We talk about it.
  4. You feel the Dom has misunderstood you or your intensions. We talk about it.
  5. You disagree with the Dom We talk about it.
  6. You are disatisfied in any area of your relationship We talk about it.




If you are with someone you are afraid to speak frankly with, or otherwise unable to communicate properly with... maybe you do speak to him respectfully and he's just unresponsive to your needs?... Either way, you're wasting each other's time.

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Profile   Post #: 34
RE: how do other sub/ slaves handle these situations? - 5/27/2009 2:28:31 PM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline 		I spent 13 years in a marriage with a man who really didn't want to hear what i had to say, so for 13 years i edited everything that came out of my mouth so he wouldn't get upset. ............

That is no way to live.

In my relationship with Sir i have pushed myself to tell him, truthfully, what i think. And as you might imagine, sometimes it isn't easy. Fortunately Sir is a wonderful man who is open to listening to me - infact insists on it, since we are a team.
Unless you want a sham of a relationship, the two of you have to learn how to talk to each other without hurting each others feelings - and behind anger and hurt is fear. It sounds as if he isn't as confident as you might wish in his dominance, otherwise why would he get cross when you try to talk to him about problems. Of course, i don't think you need to point this out to him. 

(in reply to dreamerdreaming)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: how do other sub/ slaves handle these situations? - 5/27/2009 3:16:09 PM   
ownerdaddy


Posts: 6
Joined: 5/25/2009
Status: offline 		You know I was writing a really long answer to this but then my PC crashed...anyway the short answer to this is communication.

A dom is not a mind reader and a sub should not expect his/her Dom to always know what is in their minds. If there is no way for them to communicate their feelings/desires/needs then there is a problem and ultimately this will likely be a problem for both parties in the relationship. It is understood that within the agreed contract between the two parties the Dom is responsible for the Sub, but how can the Dom maintain a healthy, safe and happy relationship if the Sub hides his/her true feelings? I am not implying that all of the subs feelings or desires are going to be met but without this knwoledge the Dom will have to be a bit of a mind reader to really control the relationship, ultimately both loose.

Hopefully some of that made sense?

(in reply to kallisto)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: how do other sub/ slaves handle these situations? - 6/7/2009 2:09:07 AM   
CURIOUSGURLINSRK


Posts: 28
Joined: 8/28/2006
Status: offline 		You need to talk to your Dom.  I understand all the bs about it his perspective that matters, but if your needs are not being met also you cannot be  the best sub you can be (corny sounding , I know).  If he is so insecure that he cannot handle your feelings, then you may need another Dom, one who has a clue.  I had Dom like that before and I was miserable all the time because well plainly he was an asshole who did not deserve me. I did everything asked of me and he still dumped me.  Yes, I cried but I got over it.  Now I have been talking to a wonderful Dom who values me and my perspective.  He is secure enought to hear about my feelings.  No that does not mean I get my way, but I get heard and  that matters a whole lot.   I would not suggest pouting or demanding, but sitting down and talking.  If he cannot handle it, there are many secure Doms out there who could be better for you.  I hope you find what you need, even if you have to continue the search.

(in reply to ThinkinBoutIt)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: how do other sub/ slaves handle these situations? - 6/8/2009 11:18:43 AM   
kori


Posts: 3
Joined: 5/29/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ThinkinBoutIt

I understand that my role as a sub/ slave is to be subservient to a Dom.  And, I think it is my job to make things easier on him.  But, I find sometimes that I struggle with sutations where I am not able to express myself to my Dom.  I wonder if others struggle in any of these areas and how they have overcome.  So, how do other Sub/ slaves handle any the following:
  1. The Dom hurts your feelings
  2. You are angry or frustrated
  3. You have a desire or want (ie. sexual favor that you desire)
  4. You feel the Dom has misunderstood you or your intensions. 
  5. You disagree with the Dom
  6. You are disatisfied in any area of your relationship


1 - i ask myself why my feelings are hurt. Am i interpreting something Master said or did in a way that produces emotional pain for me, or is it really coming from Him? In any event i express my feelings to Master and we discuss it. Same with the other 5. Although i am His slave, i am not expected to be robotic, non-thinking or feeling. What i am expected to be is respectful and mindful in all of my communication with my Master. When i am, we are able to resolve most things. If i disagree with the resolution but it's what He wants, well then my attitude is tough shit - our agreement stipulates that He has the final decision, and that's not contingent upon each particular situation or circumstance.


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RE: how do other sub/ slaves handle these situations? - 6/8/2009 12:48:45 PM   
sweetnurseBBW


Posts: 2464
Joined: 1/26/2006
From: North Carolina
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ThinkinBoutIt

I understand that my role as a sub/ slave is to be subservient to a Dom.  And, I think it is my job to make things easier on him.  But, I find sometimes that I struggle with sutations where I am not able to express myself to my Dom.  I wonder if others struggle in any of these areas and how they have overcome.  So, how do other Sub/ slaves handle any the following:
  1. The Dom hurts your feelings
  2. You are angry or frustrated
  3. You have a desire or want (ie. sexual favor that you desire)
  4. You feel the Dom has misunderstood you or your intensions. 
  5. You disagree with the Dom
  6. You are disatisfied in any area of your relationship







It is called communication and I tell him that something is bothering me, feelings hurt etc.  I just talk to him, it is that simple.

_____________________________

Sir Pain's pain slut

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Profile   Post #: 39
RE: how do other sub/ slaves handle these situations? - 6/8/2009 12:58:45 PM   
littlesarbonn


Posts: 1710
Joined: 12/3/2005
From: Stockton, California
Status: offline 		Having been in a few intense slavery relationships, I can admit that sometimes being there in the present has a tendency to get in the way of actually enjoying the present. I've made a strong effort to focus much more on the right things in my surroundings than on those that happen to be problems. For instance, a long time ago, I focused way too much on what wasn't working, constantly complaining, until I pretty much derailed my own successes. That isn't helpful. And when you focus that much energy on making things better, sometimes you forget what's actually working really well right then and there.

It takes a lot of reverse reflection to realize that sometimes self-reflection is a relationship trigger that can cause more problems than it needs to. People are people, and if you're involved with someone who really cares about you, then you're going to be able to contribute and achieve better things with that person. If you're always focused on what's not working, chances are pretty good the cost benefit analysis is going to bring you to the eventual demise of something that might have been the best thing under the sun. That doesn't mean that something that's not working is something that should be ignored, but at the same time we can sometimes be our own worst enemy.


_____________________________

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Profile   Post #: 40
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