RE: how do other sub/ slaves handle these situations?

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RE: how do other sub/ slaves handle these situations? - 6/8/2009 3:25:25 PM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
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I get so tired of the wannabee masters who waste their time listening to every complain and want. I have one easy rule. You have an issue you think is important enough for me to consider, then bring it to me.

Take the knife I gave you, scratch the question or comment onto your thigh and present it to me. If it isn't important enough to present it properly, it isn't worth my time.

Okay, in all seriousness, there is one statement that is the cornerstone of your entire problem.

quote:

I think that when I approach the feelings and issues that I described, my Dom views this as an attack or me leading in the relationship. From my Dom's perspective, and he would say it's his perspective that matters, and I am being disrrespectful.

I don't know if you know the difference between saying "you hurt my feelings" and "I was hurt by the comment about". The first is accusatory and the second is owning it. I used to get all defensive and attack, it is a fucked up bit of domineering (meaning fucked up anger stuff) rather than a good way of communicating.

The second bit of that, if you are okay with it solely being HIS way on everything, then you found your man. If not, you got some work to do, either on him, or on you to pick better partners.

(in reply to littlesarbonn)

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Post #: 41

RE: how do other sub/ slaves handle these situations? - 6/8/2009 7:51:10 PM

trueshadow

Posts: 388
Joined: 1/1/2005
Status: offline

It's easy to say, communicate, but it's more difficult when She is your Owner and you feel completely beneath her. I generally let things simmer until I cannot stand it anymore, and then I would leave or have it out with Her. I find it difficult to meet Her eyes if I am expressing myself. I don't want Her to reject me, since it is so difficult to find a Domme who is mainly compatible with you.

In any case, I think the best way to broach these subjects is quietly, in a neutral place, and with little or no emotion, just a dispassionate discussion. I would be respectful and humble and a bit, well, subservient.

(in reply to kallisto)

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RE: how do other sub/ slaves handle these situations? - 6/10/2009 5:27:33 AM

serverbob

Posts: 7
Joined: 5/5/2009
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I am not a sub woman, but a man. I am not sure my answer to these questions is of any value to you, but they are my answers. I offer them only for perspective:

The Dom(me) hurts your feelings: I am the submissive/slave. She has the right to hurt my feelings. Hopefully, she has a reason for it. I suppose if it went on long enough, I would question if I were right for her.
You are angry or frustrated : I tell her that I am angry or frustrated so that she can determine what correction is most appropriate to deal with my discordant thought pattern.

3. You have a desire or want (ie. sexual favor that you desire) : She knows the things that generally excite me. Sexuality is up to her, I don't bring it up.

4. You feel the Dom(me) has misunderstood you or your intentions. I keep it to myself, blabbing on about it will only make it worse.

5. You disagree with the Dom : I tell her so that she can help correct my inappropriate thinking

6. You are dissatisfied in any area of your relationship: I tell her and let her proceed with how best to deal with it. If it continues, I would have to re-examine why I am dissatisfied. Hopefully, my dissatisfaction will not fester and grow. I hope she would correct my wrong-thinking.

Many of my answers involve her "correcting" my wrong thinking. I believe that one's thought patterns are an integral part of obedience, obedience of mind. Thus, the kinds of things that you speak of, at least to me, are a problem on the part of the slave that the Domme has the obligation to correct, usually by explaining the errant thinking and then punishing for it.

(in reply to ThinkinBoutIt)

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Post #: 43

RE: how do other sub/ slaves handle these situations? - 6/10/2009 9:53:06 PM

RealSub58

Posts: 1073
Status: offline

quote:

I find sometimes that I struggle with sutations where I am not able to express myself to my Dom.

I only read through page one in replies so I don't know if my response is helpful.
I do have this "problem" and it is NOT corrected by
C O M M U N I C A T I O N .
I communicate emotionally and he communicates analytically.
I continue to learn daily how to express myself to him and he appreciates the fact that I try. It is getting better all the time.

< Message edited by RealSub58 -- 6/10/2009 9:56:02 PM >

(in reply to ThinkinBoutIt)

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RE: how do other sub/ slaves handle these situations? - 6/12/2009 6:52:03 PM

MMagic

Posts: 183
Joined: 2/9/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: ThinkinBoutIt

I understand that my role as a sub/ slave is to be subservient to a Dom. And, I think it is my job to make things easier on him. But, I find sometimes that I struggle with sutations where I am not able to express myself to my Dom. I wonder if others struggle in any of these areas and how they have overcome. So, how do other Sub/ slaves handle any the following:
The Dom hurts your feelings

You are angry or frustrated

You have a desire or want (ie. sexual favor that you desire)

You feel the Dom has misunderstood you or your intensions.

You disagree with the Dom

You are disatisfied in any area of your relationship

Ironically just as Sir and I were having a discussion about some of the things you're mentioning here, I came across this thread. And I'm new so I can offer a new sub perspective at least. I'm pretty sure all of this will change as I get to know him more and more.

1. The hurt feelings thing. I find this to be the most amazing thing that has happened to me thus far. I'm not the crying type. I've been married to a man for 6 years, known him for 19 and I got use to hiding all of the "girlie" stuff as I put it because it became something for him to ridicule me about. So this "crying" and "hurt feelings" thing with Sir is almost like new to me again. He says the slightest thing to me and I find myself crying...ah but the rub is not that he hurt my feelings all the time. It's that he's upset and I don't like it at ALL when I've upset him, which leads to more crying. What do I say to him? Nothing. Call it conditioning. It's that I don't want to..just use to crying being a no no, so I didn't tell him that I was, not until today that is. We'll see how that pans out if he ever catches me or if I can be brave enough to own up to it while I'm doing it.

2. Angry or Frustrated- We either end up yelling at each other, culminating in my saying I have to go and abruptly hanging up the phone (we have not had ONE single fight in person..go figure). Fights on the phone all the time, in person..nada. I've tried to not hang up on him and forced myself to talk to him more because I know it drives him crazy. He knows that sometimes I need to walk away for a while so I can think and not blow up so he'll offer now to give me some time. When I am able to speak, we talk about why I was angry or frustrated. Talking is key, I'm learning.

3. Yeah...See my earlier blog on this one. One quality I cannot seem to shake is my very virginal innocence. So I've not dealt with this one yet. But he's not exactly lost on what to do with me either so....I just try to give as much..um...feedback..as possible...you know..then...<is now blushing profusely>

4. Wow we have this happen all the time. We yell, he tells me watch the tone, blah blah..I get quiet..see number 1 for what happens next, lol. We'll work through it...but it's not easy and it's not quick.

5. I'm still new, so..yeah I disagree all the time. Working on that one. Well let me rephrase. I know it's ok to disagree, but I'm about as graceful as a Bull in a china shop when it comes to tact. I say what's on my mind..immediately on my mind. I realize this is hurtful to people, but I spent a large part of life trying to make other people happy and I was miserable in process. Part of my coming to terms with who I am was to stop trying please others by not saying what I was thinking. Ironically,...I do want to please my Dom, but he pleases me as well. But still..me and my mouth...whew. I gets lotsa spankings..but I like them..whadya gonna do...Sorry Sir..I'm tryin.

6. See part of number 5...you have to just tell him. Rip the bandaid off. The stinging will stop and the hair will grow back I promise.

And that's the new subs thoughts for the day. Come back tomorrow when we'll be learning how to bake on a short leash.

_____________________________

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. -Mae West

(in reply to ThinkinBoutIt)

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RE: how do other sub/ slaves handle these situations? - 6/23/2009 9:25:24 AM

DearJessicaD

Posts: 55
Joined: 10/26/2008
From: East Coast
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quote:

# The Dom hurts your feelings - I talk to him about it
# You are angry or frustrated - I talk to him about it
# You have a desire or want (ie. sexual favor that you desire) - I talk to him about it
# You feel the Dom has misunderstood you or your intensions. - I talk to him about it
# You disagree with the Dom - I talk to him about it
# You are disatisfied in any area of your relationship

- I talk to him about it

Really if you don't have communication, whatever else you may have will not happily last. He may want to watch me eat something I am not interested in eating, whether it's because I don't like it, am not in the mood for it, or am not hungry in the moment. I have no problem telling him that. As a sub though, I may wind up being told to eat it anyway. I'll still get to tell him whatever I wanted.

(in reply to ThinkinBoutIt)

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RE: how do other sub/ slaves handle these situations? - 6/23/2009 8:18:35 PM

brandi1379

Posts: 137
Joined: 3/3/2009
Status: offline

If i feel like i have been misunderstood or have gotten my feelings hurt i just talk to Sir about, i try my best to explain why i feel such a way

(in reply to DearJessicaD)

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RE: how do other sub/ slaves handle these situations? - 6/23/2009 10:23:30 PM

jeninvegas

Posts: 79
Joined: 6/11/2009
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I learned sometime ago that in any type of relationship, communication is key. With all of the things that you listed, you should really discuss them with your Dom.

_____________________________

"If you're going through hell, keep going..." -Winston Churchill

"9 out of 10 guys like girls with big boobs; the 10th guy likes the 9 other men." --Just Shoot Me

"Baby, when it's love, if it's not rough, it isn't fun." Lady GaGa.

(in reply to kallisto)

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RE: how do other sub/ slaves handle these situations? - 6/23/2009 10:26:21 PM

girlygurl

Posts: 6973
Joined: 8/5/2007
From: in the palms of His hands
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quote:

ORIGINAL: ThinkinBoutIt

I understand that my role as a sub/ slave is to be subservient to a Dom. And, I think it is my job to make things easier on him. But, I find sometimes that I struggle with sutations where I am not able to express myself to my Dom. I wonder if others struggle in any of these areas and how they have overcome. So, how do other Sub/ slaves handle any the following:

The Dom hurts your feelings

You are angry or frustrated

You have a desire or want (ie. sexual favor that you desire)

You feel the Dom has misunderstood you or your intensions.

You disagree with the Dom

You are disatisfied in any area of your relationship

In one word..... Communication.

_____________________________

i see You

happily forever one

(in reply to ThinkinBoutIt)

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RE: how do other sub/ slaves handle these situations? - 6/24/2009 4:22:58 AM

ranja

Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline

I haven't read through all of it but i maybe this helps:
write about all your problems with your Dom as if you write to a friend you trust...address your Dom as Him and try and be as respectful as possible but still be honest and to the point...this way will teach you how to talk respectfully but still get your point across and it does not seem so accusing to your Dom as you use Him rather than you to address Him... when you are comfortable maybe change all the Hes into yous
It is very important not to forget to point out what you value about the Man aswell, letters should never be all negative, make it 50 50 good and bad... aim for constuctive, give Him tools, show Him yourself in your letters.

Destroy the letters and start again until you feel comfortable...

If He still feels attacked, then maybe He suffers a lack of confidence

(in reply to ThinkinBoutIt)

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Post #: 50