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LadyConstanze -> RE: Service vs. favours (5/30/2009 3:10:11 PM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Venatrix
Yes, absolutely. My experience has been that "service subs" don't really want to do the chore, they just want to ponce about whilst you dress up for them and smack them. Given that I'm ultimately looking for a committed relationship, and that I no longer play casually, my approach is that you do things for me because you care for me, I do things for you because I care for you. But the chores need to be done; so, some we'll do together and some we'll do separately, but the goal is to get the work finished. Afterwards, we'll have a bath, a light meal, relax for a while, then have playtime. That's not to say there wouldn't be a bit of d/s banter going on whilst we're doing the chores, but I've neither the patience nor the inclination to spend my time berating someone for doing a poor job of cleaning, for the past five hours, the same six square inches of real estate.
Edited to add: I can't tell you the number of platonic vanilla men friends who have pitched in to help me - and, in some cases, complete strangers - simply because it made them feel good. Yet, as we've seen on these boards, submissive men have no end of justifications for why they ought to get their kink satisfied in return for doing a chore for a woman with whom they supposedly have a relationship.
For 99% of them it is true, I understand that people need to get something out of it, that is human nature, but I would prefer if they are honest and upfront about it, don't claim to be a service sub if you are not, if you are a service sub and you need additional stimulation, SAY SO, don't sail under a false flag.
My situation is a bit different, I will play "casually" meaning that I have a relationship which I intend to keep and certain things are simply off limits outside that relationship, I'm upfront about it, in case it is a deal breaker for somebody, fine, at least we are clear about it, no hard feelings. Everybody should have their limits respected, if somebody can't respect mine then they are not a good match, simple as that.
I would not expect somebody to come and do things for me for free and not get anything out of it, but if somebody tells me that is exactly their fantasy, I will take it at face value since I am not a mind reader.
What gets me most is the difference between vanilla and BDSM, with friends there is no thought of "tit for tat" you do help them because they need help and you are in a position where you can help, when it comes to BDSM it is often shocking how many of the so called adoring submissives expect compensation for something they claim is a kink of theirs anyway. Or the "I would masturbate for your pleasure and serve you this way", maybe I am abnormal, but men choking the chicken in front of a woman watching doesn't seem like a great and selfless sacrifice to me, more like "I am an exhibitionist, watch me play with myself", how on earth can that be a "service" - countless vanilla guys will happily perform that one without claiming that they are doing you a service!
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