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KneelforAnne -> RE: Writing Assignment from a Struggling sub of Mine (6/1/2009 7:42:30 PM)
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To begin with I really, really tried to be objective and not attack him.
I’ll do a quote and response.
“But remember, beyond my search for unbiased input, you know nothing about me.”
Of course we know nothing about you. People here are evaluating and judging a posting, based solely on the post itself.
Next, below is the result of a writing assignment I gave to a struggling sub of mine a while ago. I reflect on it occasionally. Now, I am looking for your input and comments on what she wrote.
Why are you asking for it now? If it was awhile ago, what is the purpose?
Many thanks to all who participate. Both Dom and sub perspectives are greatly valued .....
Even if you don’t agree?
"This is my best attempt at your essay request. I never know what you're looking for, but I will do my best!
MY SIR IS …
My Sir is loving, kind, somewhat patient, caring, devoted, trustworthy, honest, dedicated, hard-working, self-less, tender, positive, knowledgeable, somewhat secretive, demanding, and just a downright good person at his core.
Secretive. Hmm. I suppose it depends on what those secrets are, and if they undermine the trust you are trying to establish and develop.
My Sir is the man whom I want to spend the rest of my life with,
Well, if she isn’t lying (see below) then yes, I would say she is committed. Are you?
who cherishes me and adores me,
Maybe you do, maybe you don’t. Based on later statements it seems you like playing with her emotions... not that you cherish and adore her.
even when I'm struggling and being difficult.
I would think trusting someone that does what she listed below would be a difficult struggle.
MY SIR IS NOT …
My Sir is not a man who is trying to hurt me or mislead me.
But, later she writes that you DO hurt her, seemingly continually by comparing her to your (ex?) wife, other submissives, by not trusting her, by continuing to look for others supposedly for her, and you try to make her jealous.
Looks like you hurt her on a pretty regular basis. Now, that may be your thing, but it seems as if it isn't doing it for her.
He is not someone who says things and then sways from the things that he says. He is not always understanding of my mindsets and sometimes has trouble being compassionate when he thinks that I should be doing something that he feels is for my own good. Sometimes I try to explain to him the reasoning behind my feelings, but that is often times discarded and not placed value on.
She is saying that you don’t listen to her and you don’t appreciate what she says. Or…maybe you do and she just doesn’t see it.
My Sir is not a man who deliberately does anything that would be hurtful to me, at least I think he doesn't.
WHAT I LIKE ABOUT MY SIR …
…there are certainly many other things that I like about Sir as well, but there are just too many to list and I truly believe Sir knows what most all of them are.
Sounds like she ran out of things to write. If you asked for a list, she should have produced. This is a cop-out.
THINGS I WOULD LIKE TO CHANGE ABOUT MY SIR.
If it were possible to change any things about Sir, I think I would begin with the interruptions that he often does when I'm speaking. I know he does not like it when the same is done to him, so I would like the same courtesy for myself.
That’s just being polite, but if you don’t feel that you have to be polite to her then fine. However, she has said above that you don’t listen to her and you don’t appreciate what she is trying to say.
I believe that because he has grown accustomed to having to jump in to be able to speak (Catherine), that now it is difficult to break that pattern. I would also like to change Sir's attitude about comparing me to things that his wife has done over the years. I am not Catherine and I do not share the same thought processes as her, nor do I even think like her. I wish Sir could get beyond the comparison and start trusting that I do not have any ill-will toward Sir either.
Why should she trust you when you are going to compare her to someone that (presumably) hurt you?
I also would like Sir to be able to control his anger that he sometimes shows. I know we all get that way, but Sir seems to stay in the moment longer than he normally should.
Trust? Hmm. Not sure I could trust someone that couldn’t control his anger. Her words, not mine.
It also would be super if I felt trusted by Sir.
I’m pretty sure it’s a two way street. You gotta give it to get it. If she feels you are holding back, then why should she trust you all the way?
Also, she is well spoken enough...this "super" makes me feel like she's being a bit sarcastic. Have you spoken about this issue before? From the tone, I think you have.
I think Sir has been hurt himself in the past, so he always seems to be questioning my motives, my whereabouts, etc., and that makes me feel like Sir does not trust me and that he somehow believes that I lie to him,
Which you told all of us reading this post that she did, see below. Why are you hanging out with a liar? Or is it an excuse not to trust her?
which is very hurtful to me.
Hello, unhappy.
I would also change Sir's views on keeping the relationships ongoing with old lovers, which is very hurtful to me. Also, since Sir knows that I have jealousy issues from my past, I wish he would discontinue trying to make me jealous by telling me that he is going to seek out the presence of other women and that he will talk and flirt with others all in the name of trying to find someone for me.
So, she let you in….told you about her past and how jealousy affects her…and you use it against her. Bravo.
Then you tell her it is for her benefit. Brilliant!
Are you wondering why she’s “difficult” and “struggling”??!!
I’m not.
I do not like that and I never have. On that same note, the profiles that Sir has created solely for himself to try and attract women who are only looking for a single man are not appealing to me either.
So, you’re lying. Either you're lying to her or lying to the women you are searching and speaking to from that profile.
Hmm.
Which is it?
And you’re calling her a liar?
In fact, Sir has conversed with many of the women and there was no mention of me, only mention of him meeting them, which I can assume is only for Sir's benefit and not mine.
She’s smart enough to see through that.
The other thing that bothers me is when Sir corresponds with different subs online to talk about me and all the things I should be doing or the things that I'm doing wrong.
Man up. If you have a problem with her, maybe talking to *gasp* her...in a constructive way...would help.
According to Sir, some of these particular relationships have been ongoing for years and they certainly do nothing for me. I think if I were doing some of these same things to Sir, he would be very hurt and upset about them, so I wish he could look at things through my eyes and see how it makes me feel and how it affects my self-worth and my self-esteem.
That is a very clear statement. Did you listen?
If you take me, somebody who doesn't have lots and lots of confidence and who is generally extremely shy, and then you throw these just-mentioned issues into the mix, it does not help advance my confidence, but instead makes me more timid by the minute.
She is telling you, flat out. Did you listen?
WHAT I HAVE LEARNED IN THE PAST YEAR.
Over the past year, I have learned that things do not always go as smoothly as we would like. In fact, usually things are more of a struggle than they are easy and breezy.
Things shouldn’t be easy. They should be joyful. She doesn’t sound like she enjoyed it, and she sounds sad.
I have found out that even though the curve balls continue to be thrown at us from all angles, we still seem to hold on to each other, even when it seems like all hope is gone. I have found that Sir has not faltered in his promises to me regarding abandonment,
Nope, but he sure seems to enjoy tormenting her with other women, past and present.
You won't leave her, but you won't really be hers either. The best of both worlds. You can run around all you like and she'll be there to fall back on. But you won't leave her, so she'll be ok.
She wants monogomy. It seems as if you do not. If that is the case, then the best thing to do would be to break it off. If you two are that incompatible, then continuing on this path together is simply going to cause more hurt for both of you.
and he is still remaining strong in spite of our life problems and issues. I have also felt like, perhaps, I am not understanding the D/s relationship the way that I should be, and have always struggled with that issue.
I don't think she doesn't understand it, I think she isn't getting what she needs from you and is holding back what she can at this point.
I was extremely hurt and affected by the comment Sir made to me that sub-4 was a more advanced, better D/s partner than I, and it bothered me to the point that I did not want to be a part of it anymore.
Not surprising. No matter HOW you said it, this is what it sounded like:
“You suck, and this other chick is way better. I'd much rather be with her right now.”
Do you think she wasn’t thinking that the next time you touched her?
It has made me self-conscious of my role in this, as well as made me evaluate my own worth and Sir's desire for me. I think that if given the choice, I would not be the choice of the best D/s partner for Sir, as he has told me this already.
Wow. So…you’re just screwing around with her until something better comes along? And you’re wondering about HER commitment?
I'm not sure if I will ever have it inside of myself to learn what Sir's other partners seem to have learned easily.
That's all for now,
Toy"
So…how did this exercise go for her? Did she go slit her wrists after writing it?
ADDENDUM: Leadership527, thank you very much for your well thought out response. So far, it has been the most instructive to me. To those of you who seem quick to condemn my posting of this "personal letter", let me clarify. Part of this sub's training is to learn from the unbiased perspectives of others who do not know her.
It’s yours as well, yes? She isn’t the only one on this journey. She SHOULDN'T be alone in this.
Also, you should know that any important names have been changed.
Also, I would ask you to avoid judging me, based on things the sub says.
Why, you’re asking us--people you don’t know and who you’ve never met--to judge her. And isn’t the sub a direct reflection of the Dom?
Instead, look at the way and the tone the sub uses to express herself.
She is well spoken. The over all tone, with her particular diction is depressed, leaning toward bitter at the end. If you wanted a commentary on her grammar, tone, usage and other literary devices then you should have had her write an essay on something else.
Her pronouns tell us that she sees the both of you together. Do you?
Asking for comment on her writing and not the content is moronic.
Look at the protocol as well.
Yes, she does very well at telling you, and now everyone, how worthless she is to you. Kudos to you for making her keep it respectful.
Velvet Cruelty, I thank you as well. I believe your most insightful comment has to do with the length of the section in which she enumerates things she would change about me. Verrrry telling.
Yes, indeed. It tells that you aren’t giving her what she needs.
The real question I am asking all those who read is this: "Does this sound like a sub who is committed and satisfied with her Dom?"
It sounds as if she is committed.
It sounds as if she is unsatisfied, but resigned to her fate.
Finally, I also ask all who read this to avoid jumping to the assumption that this sub is unaware of this posting. Also, bear in mind that she and I have a rule. If she speaks an untruth, I WILL interrupt her and correct her accordingly. Those are the interruptions she speaks of.
So…you’re saying she is a liar?
So… should we believe anything she wrote?
OR
Is it “truth” as you see it?
**Edited because I was kind of mean**
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