Is It Possible to Have a Happy Divorce?

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Is It Possible to Have a Happy Divorce? - 5/30/2009 4:31:57 AM

Aileen1968

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So it appears that my soon to be ex and I are freaks. And a lawyers nightmare. We are amicably splitting and are using a mediator. We speak honestly and openly to each other and he has no malice towards me even after discovering that I have cheated on him and am now in a bdsm relationship. It seems, to us at least, to be the most natural way to deal with this as we have kids and want to make this change as pleasant as possible. Plus, we've been great friends for 20 years and can't imagine not being friends after all is said and done. Everyone keeps telling us that these "nice" feelings won't last and that eventually we will begin to fight. Is this inevitable or are we just more evolved?

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RE: Is It Possible to Have a Happy Divorce? - 5/30/2009 4:36:17 AM

sirsholly

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i do not think it is inevitable that the two of you fight.

what i DO think is both of you are mature individuals and are outstanding examples to your children.

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RE: Is It Possible to Have a Happy Divorce? - 5/30/2009 4:46:34 AM

Aileen1968

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Heh...yeah, that maturity came late for me as I made very poor decisions up until this March, when I came clean. My saving grace is that he's a good man.

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RE: Is It Possible to Have a Happy Divorce? - 5/30/2009 6:16:21 AM

LaTigresse

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It is absolutely possible. And unfortunate that so few "grown adults" cannot seem to manage it.

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RE: Is It Possible to Have a Happy Divorce? - 5/30/2009 6:39:40 AM

YoursMistress

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...hangs his head, raises his hand...

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RE: Is It Possible to Have a Happy Divorce? - 5/30/2009 6:40:55 AM

camille65

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Totally possible, me and my X had an amicable and friendly divorce. We even shared the attorney! We liked each other, even felt love on a certain level but not love on the right level. After the divorce we ended up being really close friends.

I have to admit that I worked really hard to make sure that things stayed friendly because I don't deal well with hostile feelings but I'm glad things turned out the way they did.

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RE: Is It Possible to Have a Happy Divorce? - 5/30/2009 6:55:03 AM

LadyEllen

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we went to the solicitor about three years ago - around three years after we split.

we both sat down and told the guy we wanted a divorce; comedy moment then ensued when looking slightly puzzled he said "you both want a divorce?" since he clearly hadnt realised the situation.

anyway he then proceeded to issue us with all these papers to complete and bring back. we read through them - they were totally predicated on the basis that we ought to be fighting each other on every level for every little thing.

we never completed them or went back. officially we are still married and definitely we are still friends - it would seem changing the one would inevitably change the other the way the system is set up. even in a so-called "no fault" divorce, the intrusion of government agencies into our lives would lead to fights so we are leaving things as they are and everyone is happy rather than one side being disadvantaged in any way.

E

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RE: Is It Possible to Have a Happy Divorce? - 5/30/2009 7:03:54 AM

lronitulstahp

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My ex and i only required a notary...we wanted to be ex-spouses, but remain co-parents. The necessity to provide that sort of unity for the weeuns was more important to us than our differences.

We have moments where we don't get along(he still feels we should be together, i KNOW we shouldn't), but we have a primary job as parents that requires pettiness and personal interest be put aside for the welfare of our children.

We are still friends, and we have each other's back in many situations.

< Message edited by lronitulstahp -- 5/30/2009 7:04:38 AM >

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RE: Is It Possible to Have a Happy Divorce? - 5/30/2009 7:17:23 AM

Owner59

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I had an amicable split.Still,it was a sad and painful event.

Best of luck to you and your`s,gorgeous.

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RE: Is It Possible to Have a Happy Divorce? - 5/30/2009 7:39:14 AM

YoursMistress

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We've been unhappy for a long , long time. While the divorce was collaborative by the legal definition, it has been uncomfortable and painful throughout. She feels wronged, I feel guilty. We haven't been able to get out from under the house, so we're both still in it, she lives upstairs, and I live downstairs. When I am not working, I try to get out of the house for as long as I can.

yours

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RE: Is It Possible to Have a Happy Divorce? - 5/30/2009 8:14:59 AM

SteelofUtah

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I am currently witnessing two divorces that were SUPPOSED to be amicable divorces.

First my Co Worker. They just one day decided they made better Roommates than Partners and said "Hey I think it is time to get divorced" that was a month ago. Now there are phone calls of "I'm Dating someone and He's around the kid" my Co worker is freaking out because every man is a pervert and he doesn't trust anyone. He also doesn't understand Child Support and want Proof that it won't benifit the new beau even though that isn't his right child support is paid to the Parent to spend as she sees fitting to use. In one Month they went from "we are just setting up how we want thing and going for the easy divorce." to "She's got a Lawyer now so I'm getting one and she isn't giving me Fathers Day so I am going to make sure I get Her Birthday see how she likes that."

My Other Friend is just trying to give his wife what she wants and since she is a crazy mess she is trying to use the divorce to hurt him. Demanding that he move out of the house that HE HAS THE LEASE ON. Telling him that he cannot see his kids, trying to have him arrested for picking them up eary from day care to spend time with them.

Divorce is UGLY, never forget that, and people tend to try to hurt someone who hurt them and oddly in a divorce everyone thinks THEY are the victim.

Steel

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RE: Is It Possible to Have a Happy Divorce? - 5/30/2009 8:32:14 AM

Arpig

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Divorce sucks, especially if you are not the one who wanted it

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RE: Is It Possible to Have a Happy Divorce? - 5/30/2009 8:36:19 AM

DomImus

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Totally possible. My ex is one of my best friends to this day. She has always had sole legal custody of our now 17 yr old offspring but in practice it's been the virtual equivalent of joint custody. We used one attorney and just nodded and waived him on as we chatted between ourselves while he went over visitation issues and the like. She has always had an open door policy. I even had a key for several years while she was unattached. I have always been able to have time with the offspring whenever and however long I wished. Any holiday I wanted. All summer if I wanted. I could drop in at a moment's notice (with a quick phone call) anytime I wanted. I have often joked that my ex and I get along better than most of my married friends although that's not really a joke. We had to attend a four hour class that was mandated by the court when we split up that involved a little guidance about how to be divorced parents. I could see the tension in the other couples. Most had arrived in separate vehicles and were under obvious great strain to sit at a table together. The only struggle we experienced that day was deciding where to have breakfast beforehand and where to lunch afterward.

So, yes - maintaining a good ongoing relationship is a possibility. I realize we are not the norm but it is still possible. We didn't do it for the benefit of the offspring although she did clearly benefit from it and they clearly do suffer when they are caught in the crossfire. We did it for us. Your soon to be ex does sound like a good sport in a situation where many others would not be.

Don't forget that.

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RE: Is It Possible to Have a Happy Divorce? - 5/30/2009 9:34:37 AM

TheHeretic

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From: California, USA
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        Mostly not. Up until this one, I have structured my relationships in such a way that I could just 'take the dog for a walk,' without needing to involve a lawyer.

      With age and wisdom, I have benefit of clergy now, but my wife and I have agreed that one of us murdering the other is plan A if all goes wrong.

       Good luck to you, all the same. Perhaps you can be the exception to the rule.

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RE: Is It Possible to Have a Happy Divorce? - 5/30/2009 9:43:42 AM

OrionTheWolf

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I would say that most are uncivil at best. I have always been civil with me ex, and never spoke badly of her around our UMs, but she was not the same way.

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RE: Is It Possible to Have a Happy Divorce? - 5/30/2009 10:49:02 AM

windchymes

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It sure is. My kids' father and I divorced (technically, "dissolved" the marriage...it's an option in Ohio) in 1990. Sure, we did some bickering and had a few arguments, but never any screaming or physical violence of any kind. And what bickering we did wasn't in front of the kids, who were 7 & 5 when it all went south. I had custody, because there is no "joint custody" in Ohio, and he didn't like paying child support, although it was garnished directly out of his wages, another Ohio law. I received $370 a month total for both kids, and never pushed for more. But we didn't have set visitation, it was whenever they and he wanted, so we didn't have to bicker over who was going where and when and none of that having to meet halfway someplace in a parking lot. He'd walk into my house and I'd walk into his. It worked for us, and my kids have no signs of that "product of divorce" guilt that people will try to slap on you.

I spent 14 years sharing all the key events with him AND his second wife. (They just recently got divorced.) I didn't like it, but I tolerated it smiling (grimacing) just to take the high road. He's sort of like a distant cousin now who you only see once in a blue moon. If I needed something, or help of some kind now, I could call him and he'd be there. I hope I never have to, and it would be a very last resort, but I could. And I'd do the same for him.

Son #1 got married a few weeks ago. The ex and I walked down the aisle together as his parents and, with the bride's parents, lit a small candle for the bride & groom each to use to light the bigger unity candle. We sat together, and were called up to dance the first dance with the newly married couple along with her parents. And we did, as some joker yelled from a table, "Boy, there's something we thought we'd never see again!" lol. Can you imagine how awkward that whole wedding would have been if he and I weren't "amicable"?

The important things are to learn to pick your battles, learn what's worth getting worked up about and what's not, and don't EVER use the kids as pawns for punishment (general statement, NOT directed at you personally, Aileen, cause I know YOU would never do that!).

So, sure it can work. It still is sad at first, no matter how badly you want it, and I think "happy" is a strong word, but it most definitely can be amicable. I'm really sorry to hear.....cmail me on the other side if you want to talk :)

< Message edited by windchymes -- 5/30/2009 10:51:27 AM >

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RE: Is It Possible to Have a Happy Divorce? - 5/30/2009 11:34:50 AM

lizi

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I"ve been told many times that my situation with my ex is 'not the norm' and yes, the word freaks has been used to describe us as well. We've worked hard over the years at remaining friends and partners for our kids. Even though they are older teens and mid 20's they still need us and still need to have a family. We even have family dinners at times and have traveled together for things like my oldest son's wedding (separate rooms). The thing is - we're still a unit, a group, a family. That hasn't changed because the marriage is defunct. It takes some work but it is totally worth it.

As others have mentioned, the situation of having a marriage fail is wrenching and one of the worst things ever to go through for everyone involved. It at least feels like a move to something more positive to try and make it into something better. Why keep things at a level where there is fighting and hard feelings and then have to live like that everytime you deal with the other person. Ugh...I can think of better things to do with my time and if it takes work to make it more positive so be it. It's effort well spent.

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RE: Is It Possible to Have a Happy Divorce? - 5/30/2009 12:11:05 PM

breatheasone

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Yeah its totally doable. my moms 3rd divorce was great. my younger sister is a product of that marriage, so i am glad it is possible. Mom wasn't so lucky with divorce numbers 1, 2, & 4 LOL

And my dad? None of his 3 divorces went very well, but if you knew him that wouldn't surprise you.

**As a side note: if the adults involved in the divorce don't "do it right" it can REALLY suck for the kids, just sayin.

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RE: Is It Possible to Have a Happy Divorce? - 5/30/2009 12:19:07 PM

MzMia

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No, you are not freaks at all, you have "evolved"!

My husband and I separated 9 years ago, and we lived in the same house {he lived in the basement}, for almost 2 years before he moved out!
I still don't understand why he had to ever move out, I told him he could date.

We have been legally divorced for 4 years and we are still great friends, we promised to help each other when necessary as best we could for the rest of our lives.
He helps me, and I help him.
He not only helps me out, he has helped remodel my sister in law and her brother's homes, and fixes our computers.
I told him he will be my computer guy until I croak, then he will fix my computer in heaven.

He is engaged and when he remarries I plan to dance at his wedding, in fact I might do a jig, the robot and breakdance.

Personally, the reason we have been able to remain great friends, is we separated before the situation became
critical and too far gone.
I think many people stay together far too long.
I remember one of our last arguments before we decided to separate and I thought, I really do not want to end up on Cops, the nightly news, or one of those prison t.v. shows.

Kudos! For you and your soon to be ex-husband, I hope you remain friends for life!
Congratulations!

< Message edited by MzMia -- 5/30/2009 12:41:07 PM >

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RE: Is It Possible to Have a Happy Divorce? - 5/30/2009 12:58:32 PM

Lockit

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I had a close friend going through a divorce. He had a bit of money. There was no argument with the couple divorcing, but the lawyers in this small town saw what could be had and walked in and pretty much decided how things would go... and I am pretty sure they did that on those many lunch outtings. There was little left when they were done and no one got any money but the lawyers.

I have had simple divorces, not always easy or what we each wanted and not always friendly at all times, but simple, cut to the real issue and to the point and done. One we were friends during and after and even went and partied at the same places with the same people.

When someone goes into something saying you are going to have problems and they are a lawyer... run as fast as you can because they are counting on trouble so that they can prolong things and make a bit more money in my opinion. It doesn't have to be that way.

I had an ex boyfriend who kept making poor choices in who he helped in life. He just would not listen to me. So he got into trouble and needed to consider bankrupcy. I went with him as by now he is begging me to help get him out of what he got into. I had saved him in a couple of situations already and this was my last time of trying to sort things out for him. The lawyer says.. don't worry about that we can address that when the time comes. NO! Wrong! We address the potientual for that happening and prevent it dude. We don't ignorantly hand you money to set the stage and bring that situation on blindly.

For how you all are handling your divorce!

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