LafayetteLady
Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline
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Well, having been in family law for a good dozen or so years now, I can tell you that you aren't "freaks" at all. I wouldn't, however, call you evolved either. I have seen plenty of divorces where only one attorney was used, but to be clear, the attorney only represents one client, to do otherwise is a conflict of interest. This is commone when everyone agrees to what is happening and the attorney is really nothing more than a formality. When people have no marital assets to divide and no children, and have agreed to just split, even that one lawyer is not necessary if at least one of the couple is reasonably intelligent and can follow the instructions on a "pro se divorce kit."
Amicable and Acrimonious are not 50/50 by any means, but in most states the SYSTEM has evolved greatly to attempt to keep the battles to a minimum. In NJ less than 1% of divorces go to trial. The things you see on TV are not the reality. In nearly every state, a couple must attend mediation prior to settlement to try to resolve any issues that still need tending to. In NJ, couples must also attend something called the Early Settlement Panel. The ESP is comprised of 2-3 experienced divorce attorneys who look at what issues are still unresolved and listens to both sides state why they think they should prevail. Then the ESP tells them what a judge is likely to do if they don't agree and go to trial. Typically, the parties will take the advice of the ESP on some level and reach a settlement. All states, I'm almost positive, require divorcing parents to attend a Parenting Class to learn how to co-parent effectively after divorce.
I have seen my fair share of couples who do not battle endlessly over all the little things. Some remain friendly, others just want to move on. Of course, when children are involved that becomes more complicated, but it does happen. One of my best friends went to divorce.com, they answered all the questions, agreed what each wanted and then appeared in court without ever seeing an attorney. Cost them $350 bucks for the paperwork, which can become quite tedius to complete.
It isn't the couple maturity that necessarily leads to an amicable divorce. It is usually the reason for looking for a divorce to begin with. In the OP's case, the cheating could have caused a big problem, because betrayal is a big factor in things going sour. I think the friendship that is so important to them both, meaning they truly want the other to be happy that was a great assist in things going smoothly.
Yes, many divorces that start amicably do turn sour after a couple of years. One typical reason will have to do with child support. Statistically, the non custodial parent's financial lifestyle does not change (although many complain it is horrible), while the statistics are quite clear that the custodial parent most often begins living on the poverty line (meaning just above or just below). Obviously in cases where a significant sum of money is involved, this does not happen. I can tell you that when a woman looks for an increase in spousal support because she just can't make ends meet on SEVEN THOUSAND dollars a month in spousal support, it is very hard to feel sorry for her. As hard as it may be to believe, more often than not the problems will begin when one or both partners find new partners. It isn't the exes who create the problems, it is the new partners that instigate. A new wife gets annoyed when money leaves her household (and possibly the new children) to go to the ex. A new husband often is faced with a lack of "place" when it comes to authority over the children. Sometimes the "newbie" gets over it and all will work amicably for the sake of the child, sometimes it will go on forever. Sometimes the "newbie" becomes another ex and then the original exes will be able to work together for the sake of the children again. That was the situation in my divorce. My ex husband's last wife was a complete whack job. To the point that myself and several friends sometimes worried she would kill my ex and try to blame me for the murder. No joke, that nuts. Even though she knew we had a son prior to his meeting her, she thought I should cease to exist and spent a good many years trying to take my son and erase me from the picture. The woman really wanted to make me crazy enough to go over the edge. She didn't know that I was the type that while it might have given me some crazy moments, when she pushed, I pushed harder. My son is special needs and very difficult to handle at times. Both of them were completely unprepared for that and at one point, she told my ex that either my son went or she did. He chose her and my son has been devastated ever since. They divorced a year or so ago, and now my ex and I are pretty friendly and work together to deal with my son. Of course, I have sole legal custody because he is not capable of making good decisions in that regard, but we will be able to dance at our son's wedding and I am truly grateful for that (as long as my son doesn't choose his current girlfriend for a wife!) For the first time in 13 years, my ex was invited to the party I am giving my son next week for his 16th. I even told him to bring his girlfriend and that he could spend the night if they wanted.
GOOD divorce attorneys will advise clients to work it out and try to get it done without making the parties go broke. I know many such attorneys in my area. I also know many in the area who will subtly encourage exacerbating problems and whenever possible, I steer people away from them. The bigger problem is the attorneys who push clients to give up things that are important. What is important? It depends on the couple. But if you truly believe that something is very important, you shouldn't just give it up. It will cause some of that animosity down the road.
I think that very few people marry with the idea that the marriage won't last forever. Most people don't accept failure very well. It doesn't matter what went wrong, it doesn't matter that it isn't always truly a failure (although sometimes it is), the couple's life plan has just altered greatly and many look to place blame and want revenge. It isn't childish, it is human nature. The bible has conflicting concepts of "turn the other cheek" and "an eye for an eye" Many may start one way and change to the other. I do think that some people stay too long. But I think it is because they hope things will change. Look at all the D/s relationships where one continues to beat that horse long after it has died and is constantly hoping that things will get better. By the time they face the reality, bitterness and rage has set in and all hell can break loose.
I have been very lucky in the cases I have been involved in in that I seem to have a talent for diffusing at least some of the anger and getting both sides to think reasonably on at least some levels. I'm naive enough to continue to hope that I can get my ex to stop dissappointing our son. A 16 year old who was nearly crying in the car today after finding out that his dad would not likely attend his party. Not because he can't be in the same room with me, not because he wasn't invited (with or without his girlfriend), but because it just didn't seem important enough to him. Dad has destroyed his relationship with his own child and no matter how close my son and I are and how great of a "dad" I am (coaching baseball, active in cubscouts, teaching him all the boy things, etc.) it doesn't replace the rejection he feels. It breaks my heart.
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RE: Is It Possible to Have a Happy Divorce? - 
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Bad fathers suck.
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