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RE: I need to learn - 6/5/2009 10:43:21 PM

GYPZYQUEEN

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jack of all offs

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RE: I need to learn - 6/5/2009 10:52:04 PM

Asherdelampyr

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You are not completely responsible for your own life
you want to be responsible for someone else?
What other impossible, life-wrecking goals did you hope to acheive today?

Talk to your wife, seriously... If you cannot communicate with somebody that you are already that close to what are the chance that you will communicate well with anyone else?

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RE: I need to learn - 6/6/2009 2:08:45 AM

BrokenSaint

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Here's a start, if your wife actually threatens to either kill herself or leave every week, and you're not just posturing and exaggerating. GET HER SOME FUCKING HELP.

quote:

ORIGINAL: PrinceofDarkfr

You know I didn't ask to be judged and you have no idea what goes on between me and my wife. The fact is we fight all the time and she threatens to either leave or kill herself every week. Now I love her and what to try to make her happy but I don't want to wait till something happens to our relationship to learn these things. Just because I want to meet someone who shares my interests doesn't mean I will do anything behind my wife's back. I just want people I meet here to know I am married and that any contact will have to be discreet for now. Now if people here can't get off their soap boxes I will just delete this post.

Oh please. Wait. Allow me to translate. "Hi I want some strange, but I don't want to tell my wife. However I do not wish to feel bad about myself, so have convinced myself that I will be discreet and not tell her, start a relationship, and then tell her later, and that that makes it entirely morally okay for me to do!"

See the term discreet. If it's just friends. Should be no need to be discreet.

Also, go look up borderline personality disorder. Provided you're not exaggerating, it's a reasonable bet. Get relationship counseling. Get her help. Do not start foolish bullshit like this, ESPECIALLY around someone already threatening to kill themselves. For fuck's sake. Think about the possible repercussions for a bit. I'll wait.

Nope. Keep thinking.

Now that long enough? Finding out your husband is having an affair and leading an extremely double life while you're already extremely emotionally unstable and prone to suicidal ideations has been reported to cause major cases of deadness.

< Message edited by BrokenSaint -- 6/6/2009 2:21:08 AM >

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RE: I need to learn - 6/6/2009 6:50:16 AM

PrinceofDarkfr

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Alright since none of you seem to get what I am asking maybe I will just stop reading, but first let me say that if you would just help me instead of judging my profile maybe it would help my relationship. Ever think that learning about the lifestyle might make me realize the things you are saying? Simply walking up to someone in the 1300s and saying the world is round get over it will not change their minds, but taking the time to teach them all the reasons you believe the world is round might. You posting things saying I a wrong and I need help wont change my mind, but taking the time to teach me the tools and skill needed in the lifestyle might actually make me realize that I need to change my ways. But you all get high and mighty pretty quick and just offer your opinions with out teaching me anything and that just naturally makes me defensive. Next time just teach me a few things and let me draw my own conclusions as to how they apply to my situation.

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RE: I need to learn - 6/6/2009 6:57:52 AM

colouredin

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Lesson one, the most important thing in any relationship is honesty, if you are a dishonest person then forming a trust allowing someone to give you control over them is near on impossible

Lesson two, most women do not want to hide their relationships

Lesson three, communication is key, if you can't communicate with your wife then how will you communicate with anyone else

Lesson four, you have some rather negative things to say about your wife, how will the submissive not know that you want to say those things about her

Lesson five, If you do not have control over your own life how can you control anyone else

Lesson six regardless of orientation cheating is cheating

Lesson seven an affair adds a lot of pressure not just to you but also to your relationship with your wife and the other woman

Lesson eight, people will formulate opinions based on the information provided

Lesson nine, you are wanting to learn yet you are refusing to see the lessons in front of you

Lesson ten, you are a coward

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RE: I need to learn - 6/6/2009 6:57:54 AM

thishereboi

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quote:

ORIGINAL: PrinceofDarkfr

Alright since none of you seem to get what I am asking maybe I will just stop reading, but first let me say that if you would just help me instead of judging my profile maybe it would help my relationship. Ever think that learning about the lifestyle might make me realize the things you are saying? Simply walking up to someone in the 1300s and saying the world is round get over it will not change their minds, but taking the time to teach them all the reasons you believe the world is round might. You posting things saying I a wrong and I need help wont change my mind, but taking the time to teach me the tools and skill needed in the lifestyle might actually make me realize that I need to change my ways. But you all get high and mighty pretty quick and just offer your opinions with out teaching me anything and that just naturally makes me defensive. Next time just teach me a few things and let me draw my own conclusions as to how they apply to my situation.

Oh ok, let me try....lets see. Here are a couple of general ideas I have learned over the years. It is wrong to lie to someone. If your dominant and want to be a true master, then you should have your house in order before you bring a new person into the situation. When posting on the forums you should expect that people are going to give their opinions. Sometimes those opions will be that your wrong and you will have to learn how to deal with that. Dog leashes make excellent tie ups if you don't have rope handy.

Ok, now you take what you think applies to your situation and let me know what you come up with.

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RE: I need to learn - 6/6/2009 7:03:49 AM

RedMagic1

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quote:

ORIGINAL: thishereboi
Ok, now you take what you think applies to your situation and let me know what you come up with.

OMFG!!!!!!

PrinceofDarkfr, what skills do you lack that you think would be useful to possess?

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RE: I need to learn - 6/6/2009 7:05:07 AM

colouredin

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quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

PrinceofDarkfr, what skills do you lack that you think would be useful to possess?

Morality?
Integrity?
Guts?

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RE: I need to learn - 6/6/2009 7:06:58 AM

PrinceofDarkfr

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You guys really aren't getting it. Teach me to control my life. Teach me how to put my life in order and maybe I'll be at a point where I will delete all those ideas off my profile, don't just tell me I need to do them, because I obviously have no clue what to do here. Financially professional therapy isn't an option. You guys seem to be good at telling me how it is and what needs to be done but don't offer one bit of help on how to do it, just you need counseling.

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RE: I need to learn - 6/6/2009 7:08:37 AM

colouredin

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Ok what you need to do is decide what is more important to you, your marriage of your 'domliness' whichever you choose informs where you go from here

If it is D/s then you need to inform your wife, either work it out so you stay together and she is aware or you leave
If it is your marriage then you bugger off this site

Gosh I saved you a fortune

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RE: I need to learn - 6/6/2009 7:10:18 AM

RedMagic1

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quote:

ORIGINAL: PrinceofDarkfr
Teach me to control my life.

What aspects of your life are currently out of your control?

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RE: I need to learn - 6/6/2009 7:18:18 AM

DarkSteven

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quote:

ORIGINAL: PrinceofDarkfr

You guys really aren't getting it. Teach me to control my life. Teach me how to put my life in order and maybe I'll be at a point where I will delete all those ideas off my profile, don't just tell me I need to do them, because I obviously have no clue what to do here. Financially professional therapy isn't an option. You guys seem to be good at telling me how it is and what needs to be done but don't offer one bit of help on how to do it, just you need counseling.

OP, we can teach you how to do breathplay, how to use a singletail, how to use a spreadsheet, etc. But there are no tools to manage life that we can tell you.

You state that you cannot afford therapy. You can find places that will offer it subsidized or free within your community.

Plus, trust me that the only women that might be interested in you in your current situation would be train wrecks and could easily cost you more than therapy.

Good luck.

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The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

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RE: I need to learn - 6/6/2009 7:24:54 AM

PrinceofDarkfr

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quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

What aspects of your life are currently out of your control?

It would be easier to list what I feel I have control of. I struggle to pay my bills even working multiple jobs. My wife refuses to do anything (dishes get left dirty for a week or more, etc. and I don't have time to do them as I work and do laundry and maintain the house.) Our marriage used to be good and even kinky at times and now she acts like she wants nothing to do with me unless she wants something from me. She spends money like we actually have it. I could go on but you get the idea. I'm sure I need to improve in some places too but it is hard to do when you feel like you work your a@@ of to care for your family but your family just thinks your worthless.

quote:

ORIGINAL: colouredin

Ok what you need to do is decide what is more important to you, your marriage of your 'domliness' whichever you choose informs where you go from here

If it is D/s then you need to inform your wife, either work it out so you stay together and she is aware or you leave
If it is your marriage then you bugger off this site

Gosh I saved you a fortune

Easy to say but saying that if its my marriage and I need to bugger off this site is like saying to a catholic that if your wife doesn't believe the same as you do you you need to stop being catholic. You can't just cut it out of your life, there needs to be a healthy way do deal with it. Yes eventually leaving the site might be in order but you can't just shut down feelings that are a part of you.

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RE: I need to learn - 6/6/2009 7:28:02 AM

RedMagic1

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quote:

ORIGINAL: PrinceofDarkfr
I struggle to pay my bills even working multiple jobs. My wife refuses to do anything (dishes get left dirty for a week or more, etc. and I don't have time to do them as I work and do laundry and maintain the house.) Our marriage used to be good and even kinky at times and now she acts like she wants nothing to do with me unless she wants something from me. She spends money like we actually have it. I could go on but you get the idea. I'm sure I need to improve in some places too but it is hard to do when you feel like you work your a@@ of to care for your family but your family just thinks your worthless.

Why are you still married?

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Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

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RE: I need to learn - 6/6/2009 7:28:19 AM

lronitulstahp

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Celeste, are you mad at me and all the fine upstanding sluts in the Central Florida area?????

quote:

If you're near Orlando, you may want to start going to the Woodshed and making friends there

Wait!!!! He says he likes humiliating "ethnic sluts"..Well then, guess i'm all in, because being some dude's secret slave while he has my house key is about as humiliating a life as i can imagine.
-------------
Ok, seriously...

OP, i had a married Dom whose wife threatened suicide pretty frequently....but he still felt it was only right to be upfront and honest about his life and other relationships. She was able to accept the truth, and stay in an open relationship. Had she found out about his other relationships on her own....things may have gotten ugly.

I'll take the ugly truth over a pretty lie anyday.....
~my Mother

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RE: I need to learn - 6/6/2009 7:28:32 AM

PrinceofDarkfr

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven
OP, we can teach you how to do breathplay, how to use a singletail, how to use a spreadsheet, etc. But there are no tools to manage life that we can tell you.

You state that you cannot afford therapy. You can find places that will offer it subsidized or free within your community.

Plus, trust me that the only women that might be interested in you in your current situation would be train wrecks and could easily cost you more than therapy.

Good luck.

This is at least a better answer then what I was getting before. It explains why you are saying the things you do, not just you need counseling. I feel like you are actually trying to help not just insulting me.

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RE: I need to learn - 6/6/2009 7:31:30 AM

PrinceofDarkfr

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quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

Why are you still married?

Good question and I don't know the answer. It could be our kids, could be I still love her despite her problems, could be just fear of being single and having to divide everything up. I wanted to explore this side of my personality to see if that might clear things up.

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RE: I need to learn - 6/6/2009 7:36:48 AM

peppermint

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quote:

ORIGINAL: PrinceofDarkfr

You know I didn't ask to be judged and you have no idea what goes on between me and my wife. The fact is we fight all the time and she threatens to either leave or kill herself every week. Now I love her and what to try to make her happy but I don't want to wait till something happens to our relationship to learn these things. Just because I want to meet someone who shares my interests doesn't mean I will do anything behind my wife's back. I just want people I meet here to know I am married and that any contact will have to be discreet for now. Now if people here can't get off their soap boxes I will just delete this post.

Funny thing about posting in a forum. You get to air all your laundry...the clean stuff as well as the dirty stuff. You can't pick and choose what you want people to comment on or not comment on. You are the one who wrote it here and in your profile. Those who read your post and your profile come to their own conclusions.

Guess what? You are not unique. You are NOT the only person who has a spouse who doesn't get BDSM. Many can and do choose to talk to their spouses about their urges. Some spouses are horrified, some admit they have the same leanings, others don't care one way or another. However, at least they informed their spouse. I told my husband. He wasn't interested but said I could explore with others. I know of others married people who do all this with their spouses' permissions.

How Dominant is a man who admits he wishes to cheat in his marriage even though she threatens to kill herself or leave, but he can't decide to end it or honor his vowels? So he asks that we understand that he doesn't want to wait for divorce or death to play in the sandbox, while he waits passively for divorce or death to settle his own life. Yes, he loves her, but not enough to give up something he wants for a bit to concentrate on fixing his own household first, one way or the other.

First advice a mentor would give you is put your own house in order before you add to your problems.

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RE: I need to learn - 6/6/2009 7:39:33 AM

DarkSteven

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OP, I was in the same place as you about ten years ago regarding your wife. My ex still refuses to work or do housework but at least we're under different roofs.

If you belong to a religion, try a Marriage Encounter. It might help.

Your wife is either very depressed or has a borderline personality. Has she seen a doctor for depression?

_____________________________

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The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

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RE: I need to learn - 6/6/2009 7:42:40 AM

PrinceofDarkfr

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quote:

ORIGINAL: peppermint

Funny thing about posting in a forum. You get to air all your laundry...the clean stuff as well as the dirty stuff. You can't pick and choose what you want people to comment on or not comment on. You are the one who wrote it here and in your profile. Those who read your post and your profile come to their own conclusions.

Guess what? You are not unique. You are NOT the only person who has a spouse who doesn't get BDSM. Many can and do choose to talk to their spouses about their urges. Some spouses are horrified, some admit they have the same leanings, others don't care one way or another. However, at least they informed their spouse. I told my husband. He wasn't interested but said I could explore with others. I know of others married people who do all this with their spouses' permissions.

How Dominant is a man who admits he wishes to cheat in his marriage even though she threatens to kill herself or leave, but he can't decide to end it or honor his vowels? So he asks that we understand that he doesn't want to wait for divorce or death to play in the sandbox, while he waits passively for divorce or death to settle his own life. Yes, he loves her, but not enough to give up something he wants for a bit to concentrate on fixing his own household first, one way or the other.

First advice a mentor would give you is put your own house in order before you add to your problems.

WOW did you even read the rest of the thread? We had gotten past that I thought. My wife knows my desires and at one point even suggested 3 sums, but as our life has gone on it seems she has gotten more and more vanilla. When we were dating she was kinky but now... I have talked about exploring things with others and one minute she is OK with it then next she is going to leave me or kill herself if I do.

Next time ask questions and get the whole picture before you pass judgment on me. I am at a loss for what to do and need people to talk to, not be lectured by.

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