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RE: I need to learn - 6/6/2009 7:42:48 AM

RedMagic1

Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: PrinceofDarkfr
Good question and I don't know the answer. It could be our kids, could be I still love her despite her problems, could be just fear of being single and having to divide everything up. I wanted to explore this side of my personality to see if that might clear things up.

Beating some chick's ass might feel really good, but it's not likely to "clear things up" for you. You are in a difficult situation, and I believe you are not looking at it clearly. My suggestion to you is to start to answer simple questions -- "dumb" questions -- like the ones I have been asking you. On the top of a piece of paper, write, "Why am I still married?" Then write down all the reasons. There might be "good" reasons and "bad" reasons. Write down all of them, no censorship.

Other dumb questions you might consider asking yourself in that way:

Why do I love my wife?
What do I fear about being single?
What attracts me to BDSM?
When do I feel the greatest urge to engage in BDSM?
When do I feel the least urge to engage in BDSM?

Once you do that, take a look at everything you've written. Just getting it outside of your mind, physically into the world, will make it easier to think about.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

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RE: I need to learn - 6/6/2009 7:48:38 AM

JstAnotherSub

Posts: 6174
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: PrinceofDarkfr

You guys really aren't getting it. Teach me to control my life. Teach me how to put my life in order and maybe I'll be at a point where I will delete all those ideas off my profile, don't just tell me I need to do them, because I obviously have no clue what to do here. Financially professional therapy isn't an option. You guys seem to be good at telling me how it is and what needs to be done but don't offer one bit of help on how to do it, just you need counseling.

dang, i was ready to sign up with ya, but now i see that controlling every part of my life doesnt include payin all my bills too.

seriously though, read self help books, take up the guitar, lonog walks in the rain, yoga, the accordian, find something. think and evaluate what you need to change about you to be happy and feel in control.

no one can give you that, except your self.

_____________________________

yep

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Post #: 42

RE: I need to learn - 6/6/2009 8:01:40 AM

SmokingGun82

Posts: 575
Joined: 6/19/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: PrinceofDarkfr
WOW did you even read the rest of the thread? We had gotten past that I thought. (CLIPPED) Next time ask questions and get the whole picture before you pass judgment on me. I am at a loss for what to do and need people to talk to, not be lectured by.

Ok, most snarkiness aside, here's the thing- there is a fundamental underlying problem here. You're hiding things. That's (almost) never healthy, and with someone who's mentally unstable already it's downright dangerous. I have a nice scar on my bicep from a time someone THOUGHT I was hiding something from them- that's a game you don't want to play. People will continue to comment on the fact that you're doing something that MIGHT be a good idea in a decidedly slimy way. No matter how many times you tell people to move on, the fact that you're married and hiding something will continue to be an issue. And the fact your wife has mental problems, and there are kids in the equation... that just makes everything more complicated, and worse.

As for the second part, about us needing the full story... it's your job to give it. The people here are overwhelmingly helpful and kind, but they're going to comment on the information given. That's the point of a forum- not to ask a million questions, learn everything about you, and give you a free psychoanalysis. That's a lesson to take forward- make sure you've given all relevant information before asking for advice.

Evaluate what you want and why you want it. Entering into a BDSM relationship with someone because you're bummed out, or because you think it has the magical power to remove shittiness from your life is unfair to the other half... unless you're upfront with them, which you've given me no reason to think you would be. Before you ask why, lying to someone you claim to love and planning on hiding what could be a substantial part of your life from them makes me unlikely to trust you, or to think others would be wise to do so.

As alway, my own experiences and opinions. Feel free to dismiss them as I've missed the point, which seems to be that everyone should respond with "I'll teach you how to cheat on your wife and not get caught! How brave you are for taking that unusual position!"

_____________________________

It frightens me, the awful truth of how sweet life can be.
- Bob Dylan

Proper capitalization is the difference between "I had to help my Uncle Jack off a horse" and "I had to help my uncle jack off a horse."

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Post #: 43

RE: I need to learn - 6/6/2009 8:09:23 AM

colouredin

Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: PrinceofDarkfr

Easy to say but saying that if its my marriage and I need to bugger off this site is like saying to a catholic that if your wife doesn't believe the same as you do you you need to stop being catholic. You can't just cut it out of your life, there needs to be a healthy way do deal with it. Yes eventually leaving the site might be in order but you can't just shut down feelings that are a part of you.

Yes you can, because if something means that much to you then you can let go of it. For example I am bisexual but many of my relationships have been straight monogamous, because that is what needed to be for the relationship to work. You may not have any will power, you may be unable to resist temptation but that is YOUR WEAKNESS and not one that everyone has.

You decide what is most important, it happens all the time, family or work, friends or revision. People drop their emotions or urges all the time in favor of those that are more significant than animal urges.

I am telling you, I have been a mistress and it fucking sucks, it sucks to be last on the agenda so as not to hurt another woman when in reality all that is happening is that both women are being hurt. You need to make your choice, you need to make the decision but if you cant then you accept the fact that you are a gutless fool and dont you dare taint all people with that brush

_____________________________

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There would be no gossip without secrets
I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELvfMJoKDAk

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RE: I need to learn - 6/6/2009 8:30:59 AM

YourhandMyAss

Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
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People have told you how to begin to control your life and how to help your life, you keep saying stop saying THAT and tell me what to do. Stop judging me and teach me.

When you want to truely listen with your ears and your heart, and stop finding objections and reasons to dispute what people are saying, you'll see people have been very spot on with sme of their comments, and then maybe you'll take it to heart ad do something with the information.

Open your ears, close your mouth and receive what they're saying, with out thinking of a but but but rebuttal. Professional therapy isn't costly if you want to work at it. There's silding fee scales and some therapies are free, and you can always go to the county mental health office and say my wifes unstable she's threatening to kill herself just about every day and I can't afford to treat her with therapy and medications. What can I do , and they may tell you. Just be prepared to deal with them telling you she needs to be commited to a mental hospital, or put under pych evaluation if that's what is needed.

If you're not willing to do that and follow through then you need to look really long and hard if you're going to be able to offer a potential anything worth having and the security that comes or should come with a stable relationship.

Second of all, You have to have some basic ability to figure your own life out for yourself. Nobody can come in and take you by the hand and walk you step by step through your own life,and then suddenly it all makes sense. Making sense of your life and figuring out what's up and what's down and how to manage that is partially yours and yours alone duty. I can tell you where there's water, and how to get to the water, and which rout is best to take so you get to the water when it's freshest, but I CAN NOT make you take my advice nor can I force you to drink the water, if you do find it.

And if you really want to be taught how to manage your life maybe seek therapy for your issues and stuff yourself from a therapist trained in life coaching. THEN if you want to know how to do things and want hands on instructions from another skilled dom like say rope bondage, or flogging technique or how to safely pour wax on someone, seek a Mentor.

You don't have to delete those idea's off yououlr profile, but you do have to have the skills to know what it means to successfully and safely manage someone elses life with out fucking it up completely. And you paint the picture clearer and clearer with every post that you don't have those skills and any sub wd well to stay away untill you do, and until you mature a bit more emotionally and action wise.

quote:

ORIGINAL: PrinceofDarkfr

You guys really aren't getting it. Teach me to control my life. Teach me how to put my life in order and maybe I'll be at a point where I will delete all those ideas off my profile, don't just tell me I need to do them, because I obviously have no clue what to do here. Financially professional therapy isn't an option. You guys seem to be good at telling me how it is and what needs to be done but don't offer one bit of help on how to do it, just you need counseling.

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RE: I need to learn - 6/6/2009 8:40:12 AM

GYPZYQUEEN

Posts: 730
Joined: 4/14/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: PrinceofDarkfr

QUOTE:

I have talked about exploring things with others and one minute she is OK with it then next she is going to leave me or kill herself if I do.

OP:

so now that you are on this site...will she kill herself?

Exploring your BDSM side WILL NOT "clear things up.."

Clear what up??..allow you to piss on and humiliate an ethnic woman anytime you want..so that what?? you can feel in control because you have NONE in your regular life..?/
While your kinks are your preference they must be approached for the RIGHT reasons( not as a band aid to a crap life)
and the HIGHEST good..
...or shit hits the fan..

THis is a reverse triangle
A DOM must CONTROL himself..manage his life..get things in order BEFORE he has ANYTHING to offer a sub..yes offer!!!!..he does not just take..or use her for a beat rack..
These are REALATIONSHIPS>>.!!!!!!!!!!!

After 20+ years of BDSM I recently took a couple years away and lost 110 lbs because I knew if I could not even control what I shoved in my mouth how could I gain the respect of sub males who wished to serve me.

We dont know you..we don't your YOUR 50% of the relationship demise..

**Start with a TONY ROBBINS book..borrow/sign out his set of tapes..
*Play them ..listen..learn what intent is.... followed by action..

**GET THE DYER book PULLING YOUR OWN STRINGS.

** get the workbook SOUL PURPOSE or the TOLLE books..use them as a "bible" take a page a day and read and apply to your life..
start with small steps as you are able..

** plan a get away with your wife...get a sitter..take her to a retreat..or camping or an afternoon drive..try to express your feelings..soemthing went very wrong...you lost each other..
if "it" cannot be found..try to see about parting before hatred
so the kids have a GOOD MODEL of relationship

** take time apart while making sure the kids are attended to
some churches let you book a room for retreat and thought

** MANY churches offer councelling and a sliding scale

I feel you want the BDSM as something for YOU...just for you because you are all to everybody and WORN out.

Maybe you want a little woman who is there in the night
to give you an on call bj or get called a whore..but IS it for THE WRONG REASONS...????????

prince..the "darkness" will follow..and can't have icing put on it..

You cannot be present to others until you are first present to YOURSELF

MY concern would be for this woman you seek...
.
FIND a way to be GOOD to and EXPLORE self..before the BDSM explorations
with another

GQ

< Message edited by GYPZYQUEEN -- 6/6/2009 8:51:10 AM >

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RE: I need to learn - 6/6/2009 9:25:26 AM

Apocalypso

Posts: 1104
Joined: 4/20/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: PrinceofDarkfr
I wanted to explore this side of my personality to see if that might clear things up.

Serious advice then. Take a step back. Pretend that your posts weren't made by you and you're reading them for the first time.

Because, if you do that, it should be completely obvious that what you're suggesting here isn't going to work.

"I am going to explore a side of my personality that has nothing to do with my current problems in the hope it will sort out those problems for me".

Can you honestly tell me you think that'll work? It makes as much sense as saying you're going to try and clear up your problems by demolishing a bottle of whisky every night.

You might feel defensive and that people are getting at you. But people are still giving you bloody good advice, even if it's not what you want to hear.

Until you actually take control of your life and resolve the large number of issues you currently have, you're not in a position to get into any new relationship, vanilla or BDSM. Period.

_____________________________

If you're going to quote from the Book of Revelation,
Don't keep calling it the "Book of Revelations",
There's no "s", it's the Book of Revelation,
As revealed to Saint John the Divine.

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RE: I need to learn - 6/6/2009 11:11:00 AM

janiebelle

Posts: 332
Joined: 4/29/2009
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FR

OP, you claim you have been a Dom/Master for years, yet later state you are just now exploring this life.
Your profile claims you must have secrecy, yet here you claim "that's not quite it".
With a suicidal wife, ums, multiple jobs that leave no time to load the dishwasher, etc., you want a slave whose life you can completely control.
You don't have the time, money, let alone the skills you seek, to handle this.
Get that first household running like a well oiled machine, and you won't have to worry about extra-curricular activities.
j

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RE: I need to learn - 6/6/2009 11:11:13 AM

NihilusZero

Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
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This site isn't where you need to be. Find an advice site online where there are qualified professionals (since apparently you can't find something financially viable to take care of the biggest issue in your life). This has nothing to do with BDSM or "exploring". This is you trying to use escapism to avoid reality. This isn't about being taught how to be in control...it's about learning decency. It isn't bout finding a secret double life that will magically award you with the fantastical power to make all the pieces fit...it's about taking every problem and assessing the healthiest result.

The next time your wife threatns to leave, let her. Find something neutral yet slightly positive to say ("This is probably for the best") and help her make arangements (moving back in with family?)
Figure out the best and most loving way to make this transition easy for you children.

Do not use the sudden partial 'freedom' to come on here and search for a partner or a 'mentor;. What you need is a good counselor. Find one. No excuses.Even if the counselor is someone online who you can be assured is professional.
After 4 weeks (presumably when you wife is in a somewhate stable new place) revisit these inner fantasies you want to indulge and determine if they are actually something you think is important in you life. Then, express those thoughts, gently, towards you wife while determining if divorce is perhaps the best step for all.

There's something to start with.

_____________________________

"I know it's all a game
I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame."
~Siouxsie & the Banshees

NihilusZero.com

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