RE: Death of a M/mate (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion



Message

Sirandlittle1 -> RE: Death of a M/mate (2/11/2006 10:19:12 PM)

Ironbear, that is commendable on your part for the one you hold dear.

There is a bdsm friendly hotel near me. It is run by a widowed slave. Set up in this establishment, where she can serve out her days, secure in employment, and never have to seek another for sustanance, she is cared for and protected, even now He is gone.
Wonderful.

This thread has made me aware, that my affairs are not in order. Something i should address.

I think, that for dependant people, bereavement is more intense, as the grief has a extra facet to it. Dependant people are found both within the bdsm lifestyle, and without it.

little1



ownedgirlie -> RE: Death of a M/mate (2/11/2006 10:20:25 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: brightspot


I do think at least for someone with a submissive nature who does tend to get their lives wrapped up in their Dominant partner in a more dependent way and adjusts their life around the Dynamic, it definately can be a heighten sense of loss as opposed to vanilla relationships where the dynamic is not an open awareness.
Now it is also my belief that it can have wide variance depending on individual circumstance.




Well said. That was the point i was also trying to make.



slave4Darby3d -> RE: Death of a M/mate (2/12/2006 12:33:15 AM)

I have been through many deaths in my family and I have to tell you - there is no way to "prepare" for any of it - even when you know it is coming.

I am torn by my own answer to one of your questions, though...

I don't think that "our dynamic" changes feeling one way or another. I would never think of telling someone that they suffered less because they didn't experience this...

That being said - for me and my relationship with my Master...he is my love, my heart, my very soul. If we removed this dynamic from our relationship he would still be. But when I searched myself to answer the question of how I would feel if he died...well, it made me cry even to think...I would be so lost without HIM. I have loved before, but not like what I have with Him. I don't think I would want to try and live without Him, let alone try and figure out how I would...




ownedgirlie -> RE: Death of a M/mate (2/12/2006 12:51:23 AM)

i think i am not stating my thoughts well enough because they are not being understood. i did not say, nor did i intend to imply, that the death or loss of a Master would make one feel more grief than the death or loss of anyone else. i simply said, speaking for myself only, that He is my axis. Without Him, i would be lost. my connection to Him...Master...Owner...Ruler of my life...is deeper than any connection i have had with anyone. Other slaves may experience the same or similar, others may not. To each their own, but i am in no way saying that one person would grieve more or less than another. That would be an ignorant thing for me to say.

Thank you.




Crazytwice -> RE: Death of a M/mate (2/12/2006 12:55:00 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: MsIncognito

I think it's the height of hubris to believe that losing a mate is so much harder when you add 'our dynamic'

</rant>


With all due respect, I believe Mistress Hathor was referring to the cloak of secrecy that unfortunately is needed in some BDSM relations. Imagine a close personal friend and/or lover passing and no one knew enough to tell you. I have had a 8-yr online friendship and if anything happened to him, it's very likely I wouldn't know. That would be heart-breaking.

She was merely asking for suggestions to prevent this sort of thing from happening.

CT



SimplyV -> RE: Death of a M/mate (2/12/2006 3:29:45 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MHOO314

What are your thoughts on this when you add O/our dynamic?



I find it odd that many don't think there would be any extra concern of a lost of a partner in a BDSM dynamic. While I haven't had any personal experience in death of a husband or a Dom, I have had relationships break up on both BDSM and vanilla. I can tell you there is a difference, especially from the submissive point of view.

Depending on how long you'd been with them and what kind of D/s relationship you've had.. there can be some phenominal problems that just aren't that prevalent in vanilla.

How many vanilla relationships does your partner have complete 100% control of your body functions? Complete control over finances? Complete control over meals, meal plans, cleaning, etc? Complete control over daily plans, where to go, what to do, when to do it?

I guess it depends on what kind of dynamic you're in maybe.. But I'm currently counceling a male sub who had a healthy sex life before he found his Mistress, and now after just 3 months with her and she's gone.. He can't even get hard (not to mention other problems).

So I guess you won't convince me that there isn't something more to a BDSM loss, than a vanilla one.



ownedgirlie -> RE: Death of a M/mate (2/12/2006 8:21:42 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyV

quote:

ORIGINAL: MHOO314

What are your thoughts on this when you add O/our dynamic?



I find it odd that many don't think there would be any extra concern of a lost of a partner in a BDSM dynamic. While I haven't had any personal experience in death of a husband or a Dom, I have had relationships break up on both BDSM and vanilla. I can tell you there is a difference, especially from the submissive point of view.

Depending on how long you'd been with them and what kind of D/s relationship you've had.. there can be some phenominal problems that just aren't that prevalent in vanilla.

How many vanilla relationships does your partner have complete 100% control of your body functions? Complete control over finances? Complete control over meals, meal plans, cleaning, etc? Complete control over daily plans, where to go, what to do, when to do it?

I guess it depends on what kind of dynamic you're in maybe.. But I'm currently counceling a male sub who had a healthy sex life before he found his Mistress, and now after just 3 months with her and she's gone.. He can't even get hard (not to mention other problems).

So I guess you won't convince me that there isn't something more to a BDSM loss, than a vanilla one.


So very well said. i've been at a loss wondering why this isn't widely agreed upon, but then the only conclusion i can come to is that those who think the the aftermath of a Master's death would be the same as a vanilla husband's (and i am NOT talking about grief and mourning, but i AM talking about finding one's footing again and picking up the pieces) must not have experienced the 100% giving away of total self. The emotional dependency of such ownership would cause phenominal problems if suddenly eliminated without the slave being trained to re-face the world on his/her own.

Again, this is not a "competition" about who grieves more. For those who do not agree with these sentiments, (and this may be a really bad analogy but what the heck), think about a child who suddenly loses a parent vs. an adult who does. They BOTH have lost a parent, they BOTH will suffer, but the child has added conditions which must be considered. Yes i know we are not children, but there is a similarity in the dependency we have toward our owners.

i think i've said my peace on this and will likely drop the subject now (i can hear the applause)....



IrishMist -> RE: Death of a M/mate (2/12/2006 8:27:23 AM)

quote:

but i AM talking about finding one's footing again and picking up the pieces) must not have experienced the 100% giving away of total self. The emotional dependency of such ownership would cause phenominal problems if suddenly eliminated without the slave being trained to re-face the world on his/her own.


Now this I take a huge offense to. I was inclined to agree with your statements earlier based on the fact that I had never been involved in a vanilla relationship, so therefore I had nothing to compare it to. But to say that one who does not feel that 'added element' must not have experienced the 100% giving away of total self? What kind of a statement is that?



ownedgirlie -> RE: Death of a M/mate (2/12/2006 8:35:43 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: IrishMist

quote:

but i AM talking about finding one's footing again and picking up the pieces) must not have experienced the 100% giving away of total self. The emotional dependency of such ownership would cause phenominal problems if suddenly eliminated without the slave being trained to re-face the world on his/her own.


Now this I take a huge offense to. I was inclined to agree with your statements earlier based on the fact that I had never been involved in a vanilla relationship, so therefore I had nothing to compare it to. But to say that one who does not feel that 'added element' must not have experienced the 100% giving away of total self? What kind of a statement is that?


It was an opinion, not intended to offend. It was a thought i considered (and did not state as absolute fact) in trying to understand how someone who has given away 100% of self would not have added burden if the Owner was suddenly removed. It was not meant to offend.

i actually liked what you had said in an earlier post, about not having vanilla and therefore having no comparison. It was a fair and touching statement, and i understood your perspective because of it. i am not implying therefore that you have not given yourself away.



MHOO314 -> RE: Death of a M/mate (2/12/2006 9:21:51 AM)

quote:

Again, this is not a "competition" about who grieves more. For those who do not agree with these sentiments, (and this may be a really bad analogy but what the heck), think about a child who suddenly loses a parent vs. an adult who does. They BOTH have lost a parent, they BOTH will suffer, but the child has added conditions which must be considered. Yes i know we are not children, but there is a similarity in the dependency we have toward our owners



I do adore your writings ownedgirlie, they are so, hmm, straight from the heart ( not that others aren't but I personally feel the gentleness in them)--

and you are quite right, this is not a competition of grief--that is subjective, it is to gain perspectives, insight and get people thinking--when My mother died in August--a submissive I was chatting with at the time--said after I was still grieving 2 weeks later--"get over it, shit happens"---well needless to say he didn't make the final cut-- grief is subjective no question---but thinking about a few things--we do so much online, we forget that a person can disappear ovrenight due to death, illness, accident--we forget to be sure about notification--and Dom/mes it works both ways--

and we do live many of us live under the cloak of darkness--people around us don't know the relationships we have in the "life"--many of us have friends in the life--but do we take the time to say OBTW, if something happens to Me, My devoted--needs to know--

as for the feelings--it is interesting that you talk of the parent child--the death of My mom was so so very hard--but when I think of losing My unmentionable--I get claustrophobic with panic, it is a pain I do not want to feel--I react that way now about the boy--a different feeling than when I had ex's in the past--but many will say that it is because it is real, true, has nothing to do with the dynamic--yet I wonder that the feelings are vastly different--

interesting perspectives all of them--and focused on other topics for a change--




Sensualips -> RE: Death of a M/mate (2/12/2006 9:25:13 AM)

It really comes down to the idea that a s/D relationships is somehow deeper and more connected than a vanilla. If you believe that, then it seems logical you would feel a break up or a death would be a more painful or deeper loss.

I don't believe that. I do believe that people deal with loss and pain in different ways and it is more a reflection of personality, support system, coping skills, etc -- than the classification of the relationship.



kyraofMists -> RE: Death of a M/mate (2/12/2006 9:29:12 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: MHOO314

What do you do to prepare to know if something has happened


My parents know to contact my Lord if something happens to me. alandra knows to contact me if something happens to our Lord and he would tell me if something happened to alandra. However, now that I am thinking about it, I am not sure if he has instructed anyone to call me if something happened to them both.

quote:


What have you done or are you prepared to do if something has happened


As my Lord mentioned on another thread some time ago, he controls how I spend my money, but it isn't in his bank. Everything I make stays in my bank account and I am held accountable for how it is spent. In the event of his death, this gives me quick access to any funds that I would need. alandra as his wife has access to his bank account but I would not, so all money that I make will stay in my name for just such an occurrence as this.

quote:


What are your thoughts on this when you add O/our dynamic?


Speaking only from conjecture since I have never lost a partner to death, I do not think that adding in the M/s relationship dynamic will make the loss any more difficult for me bear or life any more difficult to live than if it was a conventional relationship. It wouldn't matter if there was a formal M/s structure or not, I would have the same level of commitment and depth of devotion to the person I chose to spend my life with. The love I have for my Lord isn't greater because he and I are in an M/s relationship; it is what it is because of who we are, not because of our relationship structure.

The three of us would be devastated if something were to happen to one person in the relationship. However, we are all strong, self-reliant people and a quite capable of taking care of the things that need to be done.


Knight's kyra

p.s. MHOO - glad to hear things went well for you the other weekend *ss*






MHOO314 -> RE: Death of a M/mate (2/12/2006 9:46:11 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists



Knight's kyra

p.s. MHOO - glad to hear things went well for you the other weekend *ss*








thanks kyra, The Mistress is doing the snoopy happy dance!



kyraofMists -> RE: Death of a M/mate (2/12/2006 9:49:22 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: MHOO314


quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists

Knight's kyra

p.s. MHOO - glad to hear things went well for you the other weekend *ss*





thanks kyra, The Mistress is doing the snoopy happy dance!


My pleasure... and I am doing one as well because at the moment I am going to shut off this computer and go crawl back into bed with my Lord *g*



ownedgirlie -> RE: Death of a M/mate (2/12/2006 11:54:50 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: MHOO314




I do adore your writings ownedgirlie, they are so, hmm, straight from the heart ( not that others aren't but I personally feel the gentleness in them)--





Thank you for such kind words. i know i am often in the minority with my views and opinions.

i also agree to the importance of having instructions in place, so that a Master/Mistress or slave/sub would be notified in case of emergency. i had a very dear friend whom i met online...she lives across the country from me. she attempted suicide and was hospitalized for weeks. i did not have contact information of any of her family or local friends, and worried about her sudden disappearance until she contacted me upon arriving home. After that, any time she was "gone" for any length of time, i would worry a great deal. Being physically ill, she agreed that should anything happen to her in the future, her sister would contact me.

i can see the importance of this in D/s, M/s relationships. It would be devastating if a person just vanished.



MsIncognito -> RE: Death of a M/mate (2/12/2006 2:00:17 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie

i think the idea is that when a slave becomes totally dependent on her Master. He is her center and her focus. her submission to him is what gives her strength. If he is suddenly removed from the picture, there is a different kind of struggle which takes place, to find her footing again (in addition to grieving the loss of a loved one). Death is difficult on anyone. Add to it a slave who has lost her Master, and it creates a different element.


Thank you for displaying exactly the type of exaggerated self importance I was talking about. There are plenty of people in non-BDSM relationships that become dependant/interdependant on their mates and suffer horribly from their loss. It is not a "different" struggle. Everyone has to find their footing again and many rely on their mates for things that they will then have to learn to do for themselves once they are gone. I know that if my husband were to be gone from this earth tomorrow there are tonnes of things I'd have to re-learn to do for myself simply due to the division of labour in our home.

quote:

The dependence i feel on my Master is much different than the dependence i felt on my ex husband. i would think a good Master would train and prepare his slave to stand strong on her own and to exist without him should the misfortune of his death occur. But what if he dies before she reaches that goal? It is an interesting question. my Master have been speaking out it very recently.


That may be true for you but that doesn't make it a universal truth. Just because you didn't have that with your ex doesn't mean others don't have it with their non-kinky partners.



MsIncognito -> RE: Death of a M/mate (2/12/2006 2:07:02 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Crazytwice

Imagine a close personal friend and/or lover passing and no one knew enough to tell you. I have had a 8-yr online friendship and if anything happened to him, it's very likely I wouldn't know. That would be heart-breaking.



Since there was no mention in the OP about online relationships I figured this was about real life relationships, not those that exist in the ether. I guess if one chooses to have an online relationship for that long then one either makes a contingency plan for such occurances (ie some way to let your family know there is someone out there who needs to be contacted) or you take that risk. Yet another reason why I am biased towards relationships that are based on face to face interactions.



ownedgirlie -> RE: Death of a M/mate (2/12/2006 2:08:54 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: MsIncognito



That may be true for you but that doesn't make it a universal truth. Just because you didn't have that with your ex doesn't mean others don't have it with their non-kinky partners.


Hmm (scratching my head) i believe i said i was speaking for myself only. Is this not a place to share ideas and different concepts? Is this not a place to "think out loud" and see what others think?

In any case, you're welcome. Hmm, exaggerated importance. i don't claim to be more or less important than anybody. i simply said my experience in marriage is different than my experience being owned. i repeat, MY EXPERIENCE. Are you not now making YOUR truth universal?

i agree to disagree with anyone who disagrees. i certainly didn't intend to get people heated over it.



MsIncognito -> RE: Death of a M/mate (2/12/2006 2:13:35 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie

i've been at a loss wondering why this isn't widely agreed upon, but then the only conclusion i can come to is that those who think the the aftermath of a Master's death would be the same as a vanilla husband's (and i am NOT talking about grief and mourning, but i AM talking about finding one's footing again and picking up the pieces) must not have experienced the 100% giving away of total self.


LOL! Indeed. Thanks once again for making my point.

quote:

For those who do not agree with these sentiments, (and this may be a really bad analogy but what the heck), think about a child who suddenly loses a parent vs. an adult who does. They BOTH have lost a parent, they BOTH will suffer, but the child has added conditions which must be considered. Yes i know we are not children, but there is a similarity in the dependency we have toward our owners.


A child has not explicitly agreed to be brought into this world (that's a choice his/her parents made without their consent) therefore the parents are responsible for making arrangements for that child (you know...wills, trust funds, that kind of thing) so that they can be properly taken care of should the parents die before the child reaches age of majority.

In a Master/slave dynamic the slave has, as an adult who should have some degree of good sense, consented to be in this kind of dynamic. If they have done so without having a contingency plan in place for themselves should their Master die then I'd say that was pretty short sighted on the part of the slave. I know it's not a popular stance but I'm big on personal responsibility for one's choices rather than expecting Master to have all the ducks in a row for you should he die.



MsIncognito -> RE: Death of a M/mate (2/12/2006 2:19:04 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie

Hmm (scratching my head) i believe i said i was speaking for myself only. Is this not a place to share ideas and different concepts? Is this not a place to "think out loud" and see what others think?


Yes it is and you even asked what people think. I'm sorry if you didn't like some of the responses you received, particularly mine, but they are my opinions and I stand by them. Just as you stand by yours.

quote:


i certainly didn't intend to get people heated over it.


I don't see anyone heated over it. What I see is a group of adults sharing opinions which is sort of the whole point.



Page: <<   < prev  1 [2] 3 4 5   next >   >>

Valid CSS!




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy
0.03125