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RE: Ever have a sub cry "rape" months later? - 6/15/2009 5:18:39 AM   
Sybilla


Posts: 24
Joined: 6/6/2005
Status: offline 		If you had or continued to have intercourse with her after she communicated to you that that wasn't what she wanted, you raped her.  Neither her personal shortcomings or anything she did or did not do afterward changes that fact.  

I don't know if this is helpful to you, but to help you understand her perspective, it may help to consider your own.  I'm sure you didn't need me to define rape for you, but still you're looking to the introduction to family and friends or even "sour grapes" for mitigating circumstance.  As in one cannot be raped in the context of a relationship.  She may well have been walking around with the same misconception until taking an objective look at the situation.  From what you've written I think you should do it, too.  

This is not to say I think it will be easy or that you're a miserable person.  Most of society operates out of mistaken ideas re: rights and sexuality without really being aware of it and particularly as pertains to women.  It's not a coincidence that the majority of rapes aren't committed by strangers.

I think you've had a hard wake-up call in this and the best you can do is be more aware of your responsibilities in future.  And if you do think she may decide to press charges, contact a lawyer.  

(in reply to QuixoticOtaku)
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RE: Ever have a sub cry "rape" months later? - 6/15/2009 5:44:39 AM   
Starbuck09


Posts: 724
Joined: 6/7/2009
Status: offline 		 But as far as I can see Sybilla the original poster did not continue having sex with the woman in question after she communicated that she didn't want to continue. It doesn't appear there was any communication and in fact she either didn't want to do it and said nothing or decided at a later date that it was not something she wanted. In either of the latter cases the scenario is not rape. Unless you make it very clear you do not want to have sex then you are consenting you cannot change your mind after the fact. I have slept with women that I did not want to but I was not raped as I chose to do it it would be different if I had stated categorically that I had no interest or desire to have intercourse. Quixotic I would take this very seriously as the allegation alone can be very damaging. My advice would be to calmly explain your view of the events [as many others have said] and then contact your lawyer to work out how best to defend yourself from any possible repercussions. If what you have told us is the whole story then I believe this women is acting with crass irresponsibility.

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RE: Ever have a sub cry "rape" months later? - 6/15/2009 6:09:37 AM   
Riesa


Posts: 94
Joined: 5/27/2006
Status: offline 		It does happen in Vanilla Relationships too, i Had' some friends, (a married couple) she started an affair, he found out, she wanted to live with new man, Hubby wouldnt leave the home he bought, She cried Rape saying for the last 4 yrs he had been repeatedly raping her, He was arrested, spent 2 days in a Cell, after examination/specimens etc, then bound on Bail for a month, (social services involved due to a young child) police ended up throwing it out as no evidence, she admitted to a couple of people it was a lie so she could have new man etc, but then new relationship falls apart after 1 mth and stupid hubby takes her back due to the Child involved, I am now not in touch with these friends...
I feel sorry for anyone having been put through these situations, I have been raped in my life, and the persons involved put away, but people who lie to adjust their living arrangements, and for all different sorts of reasons, Often its too late for everyone involved when things end up in the public eyc, and then you have got people who tell the truth and often enough the wrong doe'ers dont get put away, and get away with it,
Often enough what can start out as a little conversation with a 'friend' can end up with false accusations, ....

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RE: Ever have a sub cry "rape" months later? - 6/15/2009 8:09:18 AM   
Sybilla


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Joined: 6/6/2005
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quote:

But as far as I can see Sybilla the original poster did not continue having sex with the woman in question after she communicated that she didn't want to continue. It doesn't appear there was any communication and in fact she either didn't want to do it and said nothing or decided at a later date that it was not something she wanted. In either of the latter cases the scenario is not rape.


What you say here is true but neither does he clearly say the opposite, which is why I prefaced my post with "If".  I based my response on the idea because his complaint isn't that she was willing or he didn't know she wasn't willing, or even that he'd misunderstood.  Had he done so, I would have seen the situation differently.  He doesn't argue that non-consensual sex didn't take place, but that her subsequent lack of response could/should disqualify it from being considered rape.  Even if the victim never realizes (or complains) that they've been raped, it's still rape.

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RE: Ever have a sub cry "rape" months later? - 6/15/2009 8:20:15 AM   
SmokingGun82


Posts: 575
Joined: 6/19/2004
Status: offline 		So, I'm not a lawyer. Most, if not all, of the people who have responded could say the same thing.

Talk to one. Now.

I had a good friend in college who had the same thing happen- it was not quite the exact same circumstances, but close enough. He got through it, thanks to a sleazy ass lawyer who was willing to go on the offensive/bend rules slightly and a jury that wasn't filled with the absolute wrong people... but it was touch and go.

Maybe she never brings charges. Don't take that chance- your life WILL be fucked if she presses charges- even if you're cleared. Reputation destroyed, a Google search will reveal you as "accused rapist XX YY"... there's no real win for you if she takes that step.

Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.

And for fuck's sake, don't talk to her about it. Nothing you say to her now could possibly be a good idea. And if she's slimy enough to be considering false (assuming your story is true) rape charges, then she's slimy enough to have a tape recorder in her purse, or a friend at the next table to be a witness when you say something remotely resembling a confession.

Paranoid? Yep. But like I said, this is not a "Ha ha, I'll just beat you in court" situation. It's a legit life-ruiner.



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RE: Ever have a sub cry "rape" months later? - 6/15/2009 8:53:43 AM   
tied4urpleasure


Posts: 10
Joined: 5/19/2009
Status: offline 		This situation is stepping on a fine line. You need to walk away and stay away from her. If she screams rape and she gets hold of a good lawyer and judge you can count on going away for a few years(losing your freedom). she has up tp 5 years to bring charges against you. rape has a statue-of- limitation of 5 years. anything you say or do she can hold that on you. the worst thing you did was to post it on here. you say your sorry..your guilty. if she is living with you..move out. part yourself from the person as far away as possilble. the more you have contact with her..the bigger the hole you are digging for yourself. I have a dear friend whom was in your shoes and wouldnt take heed. now is serving 7 years on rape charges. if her friend told her it was rape.thats 2 people that know,then it will be 3,4,so on and so forth until the wrong person catches wind of it and then you will be sitting in jail...WALK AWAY FROM HER AND KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT .ITS THE CALM BEFORE THE STORM...

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RE: Ever have a sub cry "rape" months later? - 6/15/2009 9:03:46 AM   
Starbuck09


Posts: 724
Joined: 6/7/2009
Status: offline 		 Fair enough sybilla interpreted that way I agree entirely with you. In fact Otaku if you're around it might be easier to give advice if you just clarify precisely what happened so there's no ambiguity either way.

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RE: Ever have a sub cry "rape" months later? - 6/15/2009 9:59:35 AM   
NihilusZero


Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Sybilla

Most of society operates out of mistaken ideas

This includes arbitrary accusations of rape. Setting precedent for rape to be malleable to the whim of someone without expiration and based on the convincing of someone else is nonsensical and it degrades women who are truly victims of rape.

What the OP is describing is hardly rape. Within the confines of a consensual sexual relationship, going back to a day when one "didn't feel like it but went along anyway" and changing the parameters to include that as "rape" is disgraceful. Paranoia and vengeful thinking are not sufficient reasons to counteract a horrific topic by creating another horrific one (having to deal with false accusation, potential incarceration and public disgrace that can affect every avenue of life).


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RE: Ever have a sub cry "rape" months later? - 6/15/2009 10:04:24 AM   
NihilusZero


Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Sybilla

What you say here is true but neither does he clearly say the opposite, which is why I prefaced my post with "If".  I based my response on the idea because his complaint isn't that she was willing or he didn't know she wasn't willing, or even that he'd misunderstood.  Had he done so, I would have seen the situation differently.  He doesn't argue that non-consensual sex didn't take place, but that her subsequent lack of response could/should disqualify it from being considered rape.

Earlier, the OP informed us that she is a bi female and that the partner is question is a trans female. Not a "he".

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sybilla

Even if the victim never realizes (or complains) that they've been raped, it's still rape.

Flatly making a comment like this when it is clearly a situational issue is of no help to either party and only reinforces a faulty mentality and, again, disenfranchises real rape victims by paralleling them to vindictive soon-to-be former or former lovers.

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RE: Ever have a sub cry "rape" months later? - 6/15/2009 10:06:03 AM   
NihilusZero


Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NihilusZero

What the OP is describing is hardly rape.

Note: I think it deserves to be mentioned that despite this comment above, the OP should certainly treat the situation as if it was, because the consequences and precedent may indeed make it a legally difficult problem.


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RE: Ever have a sub cry "rape" months later? - 6/15/2009 1:12:13 PM   
NormalOutside


Posts: 622
Joined: 1/8/2008
Status: offline 		I've had a girl tell me, many times and in many ways, "if I ever disobey you, please beat me, take away my clothes, and make me beg at the back door to come inside". Also, "if I ever try and get away, don't let me". And "my body and every other part of me belongs to you, please do whatever you wish as long as I live with you".

And then she has a bad day and glares when I initiate sex, complains when I spank her, and hints at "abuse" when I punish her disobedience even in a tame manner.

So yes, I imagine plenty of subs/slaves cry "rape".


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RE: Ever have a sub cry "rape" months later? - 6/15/2009 3:06:40 PM   
lilgirl2008


Posts: 73
Joined: 1/4/2008
Status: offline 		Having only heard one side of the story i have to go by the information given. If all that was said is true it sounds like she is having scene regret. Kinda like those one night stands I had in college. I regretted it the next day, felt like crap about it. But was it rape?? Did she ever actually tell you no. If she never said no don't do that, while you were doing your deed, I have to say that is wasn't rape. Poor communication on her part and your part, but certainly not rape. she has to actually tell you no. Going along with it, when you are in an ongoing relationship is consent.

(in reply to QuixoticOtaku)
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RE: Ever have a sub cry "rape" months later? - 6/16/2009 12:02:34 AM   
eclipticsubwitch


Posts: 4
Joined: 4/19/2009
Status: offline 		AMEN SISTER....no one has to tell you've been raped. But if I were you Sir I would put everything in writing from now on..."What are your hard limits" list or something to that effect

< Message edited by eclipticsubwitch -- 6/16/2009 12:06:37 AM >

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RE: Ever have a sub cry "rape" months later? - 6/16/2009 12:17:40 AM   
Sybilla


Posts: 24
Joined: 6/6/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NihilusZero
quote:

ORIGINAL: Sybilla

   Most of society operates out of mistaken ideas

This includes arbitrary accusations of rape. Setting precedent for rape to be malleable to the whim of someone without expiration and based on the convincing of someone else is nonsensical and it degrades women who are truly victims of rape.

What the OP is describing is hardly rape. Within the confines of a consensual sexual relationship, going back to a day when one "didn't feel like it but went along anyway" and changing the parameters to include that as "rape" is disgraceful. Paranoia and vengeful thinking are not sufficient reasons to counteract a horrific topic by creating another horrific one (having to deal with false accusation, potential incarceration and public disgrace that can affect every avenue of life).

quote:

    ORIGINAL: Sybilla

   Even if the victim never realizes (or complains) that they've been raped, it's still rape.

Flatly making a comment like this when it is clearly a situational issue is of no help to either party and only reinforces a faulty mentality and, again, disenfranchises real rape victims by paralleling them to vindictive soon-to-be former or former lovers.

Well, I agree with some of these statements and disagree with others but as I did say, my response was not based re: whether non-consensual sex had occurred but whether further events disqualified it as rape.

quote:

ORIGINAL: NihilusZero
quote:

   ORIGINAL: Sybilla
   What you say here is true but neither does he clearly say the opposite, which is why I prefaced my post with "If".  I based my response on the idea because his complaint isn't that she was willing or he didn't know she wasn't willing, or even that he'd misunderstood.  Had he done so, I would have seen the situation differently.  He doesn't argue that non-consensual sex didn't take place, but that her subsequent lack of response could/should disqualify it from being considered rape.


Earlier, the OP informed us that she is a bi female and that the partner is question is a trans female. Not a "he".

Thank you, NihilusZero - I was in error.  My apologies to OkatuQuixotic.  :)

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RE: Ever have a sub cry "rape" months later? - 6/19/2009 7:55:13 PM   
QuixoticOtaku


Posts: 18
Joined: 1/28/2007
Status: offline 		If you see a previous reply of mine... I am not a man.

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RE: Ever have a sub cry "rape" months later? - 6/19/2009 8:29:58 PM   
JuliaGreenleaf


Posts: 66
Joined: 4/15/2009
Status: offline 		She sounds like a drama queen - I agree. In my opinion, though a lot of the stuff we do is technically illegal in the western world, the BDSM ethos allows Dominant to have certain rights over submissive. I'm very careful what I agree to in this regard, and I think when I do find the right person, I'll be ok with what I have given away. I try to make sure I'm comfortable with the situations I'm getting into.
I really don't mind being disciplined past "No" by someone I trust. It helps break limits - on the flip side I have had a lot of depressing encounters recently with semi vanilla men who are attracted to me and far too forward when I try and explain I'm submissive, and then just want to chat and be friends because they arn't that experienced in what I want.
Ah well
Complex world.

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RE: Ever have a sub cry "rape" months later? - 6/19/2009 8:30:54 PM   
Sybilla


Posts: 24
Joined: 6/6/2005
Status: offline 		QuixoticOtaku -
I did give an apology (see post above yours) but I now see I not only managed to misspell your name, but had it backward as well.   I am sorry.  Again.


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RE: Ever have a sub cry "rape" months later? - 6/19/2009 9:31:27 PM   
RLMK


Posts: 48
Joined: 6/6/2009
From: SC
Status: offline 		I think it's a risk Doms run -- I don't really know how to counter it. It's a real concern about the idea of casual play. Likewise, subs run the risk of encountering someone truly evil, rather than just perverted...

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RE: Ever have a sub cry "rape" months later? - 6/20/2009 6:16:09 AM   
QuixoticOtaku


Posts: 18
Joined: 1/28/2007
Status: offline 		No need for apology.  It's no big deal.  After I replied, I noticed that someone else already responded.  I posted on "Ask a Master" because I theorized that men probably have to deal with this kind of accusation more often than women. 

I hadn't made it clear in my OP the gender of my partner and I so ...  I just mainly posted b/c it was driving me crazy... shouldn't I 'know' if I had raped someone?  Really, it just seems like it was just a fine-line/ communication problem.  It just hurt and confused me.  I told my partner that if she thinks I'm abusive or a rapist, then she shouldn't be with me.
quote:

ORIGINAL: Sybilla

QuixoticOtaku -
I did give an apology (see post above yours) but I now see I not only managed to misspell your name, but had it backward as well.   I am sorry.  Again.



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RE: Ever have a sub cry "rape" months later? - 6/20/2009 8:15:21 AM   
antipode


Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline
quote:

I told my partner that if she thinks I'm abusive or a rapist, then she shouldn't be with me.


One thing you do need to be in these types of situations is pro-active. If my partner or a playmate suddenly came up with "someone said what you did really was rape", even in a conversational mode, I do not argue with her, or try to reason it out. She is out the door. Permanently. I won't tolerate anybody threatening me, in any way, and I may even take legal action over an allegation like that, made public to some extent. I find her response, and the fact she feels it necessary to discuss the issue with friends, such that I would tell her she is better off with her friends, and goodbye. I am not seeing how you can derive pleasure in a relationship where someone feels they can hang a hatchet over your head. Close the door and lock it.

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