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Have a situation that I don't know what to do with - 6/16/2009 2:10:00 PM   
VanillaWife666


Posts: 2
Joined: 6/16/2009
Status: offline 		My husband and i have been married for 13 years and have two children. Over the last 6-7 years, we've stopped having anything to talk about and just got stuck into a rut. About 8 months ago, my husband came to me and asked if he could start a BDSM relationship online with a woman. At the time, I thought that it wouldn't hurt to have him explore the lifestyle and make new friends. However, he and the woman got very close and he started having feelings for her even though he assures me that he could never love her the way he loves me and he would never want to leave me for anyone. The first time he left to go and meet her at a half-way point in between our two cities for a weekend in April, i didn't take it to well. i got severely depressed and cried the entire time and even tried to hurt myself. When he got back and continued talking with her online and on the phone, i started seeing the man that i fell in love with 13 years ago and realized that i missed him immensly. so i sat him down and said that i wanted to be a part of his new lifestyle and find ways to not only save our marriage but to build something new. it's been extremely difficult for me still because he still chats, texts, and calls her daily but he is making attempts to spend more time with me.
He left yesterday to spend a week with her and now i haven't heard a word from him, nothing to say that he arrived alright or anything. i'm also having a lot of thoughts about the two of them together and it has destroyed my heart in ways that i don't know if it can be repaired. he asked me months ago if i wanted him to dump the other woman, who by the way has no knowledge that he's married and has two kids. i told him that she is the reason for making him feel alive again, that she is the innocent party in this situation and it would not be fair to her at all. so i told him that i wouldn't give him an ultimatum because i allowed all of this in the first place.
My question is "am i a complete and utter idiot for letting it get this far or what should i do?"  please help me, i assumed this forum would be appropriate for this situation because it does involve BDSM, D/s, and alternate lifestyles.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Have a situation that I don't know what to do with - 6/16/2009 2:16:13 PM   
CatdeMedici


Posts: 2257
Joined: 10/20/2008
Status: offline 		Look in the mirror, you know the answer to this one.

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(in reply to VanillaWife666)
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RE: Have a situation that I don't know what to do with - 6/16/2009 2:17:01 PM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		Oh good grief, what a mess!

What do you want? You need to first figure that out, get some counseling and then work something out that fulfills you. Only you know if you want him in your life. Can you live with being married to a lying cheat? Personally, if I were you, I would ditch him and take control of my life back. I am not you. You gotta figure this one out for yourself. Seriously though, get some counseling.


_____________________________

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Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

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RE: Have a situation that I don't know what to do with - 6/16/2009 2:19:53 PM   
NihilusZero


Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CatdeMedici

Look in the mirror, you know the answer to this one.

25 points.


_____________________________

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I know they're all insane
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I know that I'm to blame."
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RE: Have a situation that I don't know what to do with - 6/16/2009 2:30:37 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		I've been where you are. It hurt me me till it got to a point where he finally admitted he loved her and that just killed me and the relationship ended.

I'm sorry but if he's spending time with her, texting, chatting, not spending time with you, not letting you know he's ok, arrived, etc...he cares more for her than for you. You're on a downward slope.

But you need to talk to him and tell him how you feel. Seek marriage counseling. If the relationship continues the way it is going now though...well, I think you know the answer.

My heart goes out to you.

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RE: Have a situation that I don't know what to do with - 6/16/2009 2:31:49 PM   
sweetgirlserves


Posts: 373
Joined: 4/14/2009
Status: offline
Well... he's not a lying, cheating... etc.   He was honest and upfront with you.   And honestly, i know others may disagree.. but this might all end up being a very healthy, good thing for your relationship with him in the long run, but it could make some major changes as to what that relationship entails. 

He went looking for something he needed that he wasn't getting from the marriage.  That might sound harsh, but it is true...  he has some base needs that the marriage wasn't fulfilling.  He didn't sneak behind your back and have an affair.  He was honest about those needs and he is seeking out a way of fulfilling them.   He has already confirmed to you how important you are to him and that he is not looking to replace you.    You fulfill an important role in his life.   

Personally, no, i don't think you are an idiot to let it go this far... but there is a lot you can both learn about yourselves and each other, and ways you can grow individually and as a couple if you are willing to be more open minded than the confines of a traditional vanilla marriage frame of mind might allow you to.

If you are willing to open your mind and be flexible, and work through things... you may both end up much happier together... because it doesn't sound like your marriage was heading in any positive direction prior to this. 

~sgs


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(in reply to VanillaWife666)
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RE: Have a situation that I don't know what to do with - 6/16/2009 2:36:18 PM   
NihilusZero


Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sweetgirlserves


Well... he's not a lying

Except for that nagging part where he hasn't informed his flingstress that he's married and has two children.


_____________________________

"I know it's all a game
I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame."
~Siouxsie & the Banshees

NihilusZero.com

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(in reply to sweetgirlserves)
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RE: Have a situation that I don't know what to do with - 6/16/2009 2:36:44 PM   
KateyCaine


Posts: 274
Joined: 5/7/2009
Status: offline 		Any relationship of ANY kind that is based on lies and secrets is not a relationship. It's a sham. i feel rather sorry for this other woman, who you mentioned is clueless to the fact he is married with a family, and is thus being strung along. Hopefully she smartens up before it's too late.

Don't put up with this - find someone who will make YOU feel alive and loved, your marriage appears to be pretty much over from the sounds of it. I know this may sound harsh, and separations and transitions from being married to being by yourself are lengthy and difficult emotionally, but you are putting yourself through the emotional ringer by staying. He is toying with both your emotions and hers.

Sometimes being alone is not as lonely as you might think. Do this for yourself. You are worth more than that.

k.

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RE: Have a situation that I don't know what to do with - 6/16/2009 2:39:44 PM   
sweetgirlserves


Posts: 373
Joined: 4/14/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

I've been where you are. It hurt me me till it got to a point where he finally admitted he loved her and that just killed me and the relationship ended.

I'm sorry but if he's spending time with her, texting, chatting, not spending time with you, not letting you know he's ok, arrived, etc...he cares more for her than for you. You're on a downward slope.

But you need to talk to him and tell him how you feel. Seek marriage counseling. If the relationship continues the way it is going now though...well, I think you know the answer.

My heart goes out to you.



littlewonder...
stop sounding so pathetic.

"he cares for her more than he cares for you:"...    c'mon... she is the new toy... he doesn't care for her more... he is just playing with the shiny new toy and that has his focus.  Where he is new to this, he is not an expert at balancing the intrigue of the new toy with the needs of the woman whom he has chosen as his wife, life partner, and mother of his children.

Counseling is a good idea... but so is just reading up and learning about other kinds of man/woman relationships besides vanilla traditional marriages, and coming to understand the various desires, needs, and lifestyles available.

I think she is already making a good decision by not trying to hold on so tight... she is willing to relax her grip and let him explore a little.   Now if he can learn to balance... and so can she... they might do well.

~sgs


_____________________________

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." ~Maya Angelou

(in reply to littlewonder)
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RE: Have a situation that I don't know what to do with - 6/16/2009 2:40:07 PM   
NihilusZero


Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sweetgirlserves 

Personally, no, i don't think you are an idiot to let it go this far... but there is a lot you can both learn about yourselves and each other, and ways you can grow individually and as a couple if you are willing to be more open minded than the confines of a traditional vanilla marriage frame of mind might allow you to.

Either you've ignored every instance of her disclosure as to how the events have emotionally impacted her (save one) or you've got an affiliate program of receiving commissions for referrals to BDSM-related relationships.


_____________________________

"I know it's all a game
I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame."
~Siouxsie & the Banshees

NihilusZero.com

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(in reply to sweetgirlserves)
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RE: Have a situation that I don't know what to do with - 6/16/2009 2:42:01 PM   
NihilusZero


Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sweetgirlserves

littlewonder...
stop sounding so pathetic.

"he cares for her more than he cares for you:"...    c'mon... she is the new toy... he doesn't care for her more... he is just playing with the shiny new toy and that has his focus.  Where he is new to this, he is not an expert at balancing the intrigue of the new toy with the needs of the woman whom he has chosen as his wife, life partner, and mother of his children.

Counseling is a good idea... but so is just reading up and learning about other kinds of man/woman relationships besides vanilla traditional marriages, and coming to understand the various desires, needs, and lifestyles available.

I think she is already making a good decision by not trying to hold on so tight... she is willing to relax her grip and let him explore a little.   Now if he can learn to balance... and so can she... they might do well.

~sgs


Um...you do realize that people not already in D/s relationships are not bound to follow suit with the predetermined dynamics of being in one, yes?

_____________________________

"I know it's all a game
I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame."
~Siouxsie & the Banshees

NihilusZero.com

CM Sex God du Jour
CM Hall Monitor

(in reply to sweetgirlserves)
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RE: Have a situation that I don't know what to do with - 6/16/2009 2:42:13 PM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: VanillaWife666
My question is "am i a complete and utter idiot for letting it get this far

Yes.

An "emotion-idiot" anyway.  You might be quite intelligent.  Now I have a question for you.  What can you do to become more emotion-smart?


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Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
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RE: Have a situation that I don't know what to do with - 6/16/2009 2:45:20 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		thanks...I'll get right on that sweetgirls! Thanks for your touching words!

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RE: Have a situation that I don't know what to do with - 6/16/2009 2:47:06 PM   
NihilusZero


Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		Someone totally needs to cue the Dead Parrot sketch...

"Beautiful plumage!"

_____________________________

"I know it's all a game
I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame."
~Siouxsie & the Banshees

NihilusZero.com

CM Sex God du Jour
CM Hall Monitor

(in reply to littlewonder)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Have a situation that I don't know what to do with - 6/16/2009 2:48:21 PM   
sirsholly


Posts: 42360
Joined: 9/7/2007
From: Quietville
Status: offline
quote:

My question is "am i a complete and utter idiot for letting it get this far or what should i do?" 

yeah...i would have to say so. Now...how do you plan to put the "idiot" behavior in the past and take control of your life?

You have some serious work to do, and i think it starts with each of you deciding if you want the marriage to continue.

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RE: Have a situation that I don't know what to do with - 6/16/2009 2:50:36 PM   
lronitulstahp


Posts: 5392
Joined: 10/17/2007
Status: offline 		Were you here before under a different ID? Profile says you're a switch, but your moniker states you're vanilla and seeing that it's your first day here, just trying to figure out how you thought to come here and post in the first place.  Were you once into BDSM, or active, but taking a break? If you were once and aren't anymore, do you feel any responsibility to the "innocent party", considering she is being misled???? 

Please forgive me if i sound as if i think you're here under false pretenses...there are just alot of "first day on CM first time posters" that disappear quite quickly after starting threads....mysteriously, never to be heard from again.  It's like the BDSM Triangle.

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RE: Have a situation that I don't know what to do with - 6/16/2009 2:52:32 PM   
PyrotheClown


Posts: 1950
Joined: 5/18/2009
Status: offline
quote:

he asked me months ago if i wanted him to dump the other woman, who by the way has no knowledge that he's married and has two kids. i told him that she is the reason for making him feel alive again, that she is the innocent party in this situation and it would not be fair to her at all.


wow, I'm not even going to pretend to try to understand this situation fully enough to give you any advise,
cept this part,

While she is an innocent party, fairness be damned, is it fair that she doesn't know about you or the kids? In my life, I have encountered little "fairness" ,and I'm assuming it's the same all around to a certain extent.Any resolution you seek between your self and your husband should concern only the two of you, the fact that there is another adult entangled in this mess only adds a certain amount of jealousy and complexity to the situation, which you must overcome in order to make sense of it and find resolution.

did you go to far, only you can say, since it was your burden to bear when you took the risk.

< Message edited by PyrotheClown -- 6/16/2009 2:54:06 PM >

(in reply to VanillaWife666)
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RE: Have a situation that I don't know what to do with - 6/16/2009 2:56:47 PM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: VanillaWife666
...i didn't take it to well. i got severely depressed and cried the entire time and even tried to hurt myself. When he got back and continued talking with her online and on the phone,


OK, am I missing something? Didn't you just find the measure of his love right there? My wife and I were in a similar situation and her word was law. If she said stop, then stop it did -- right there and then. In fact, for us, the way it went was that she argued to keep it going because the exploration was important to me. I argued to stop it because it was hurtful to her. We both argued the opposite side of the debate as is regularly true with us.

But in the quote above, didn't he just flat out say that the other woman was more important than you? I am so much the last person on these forums to go down the "throw the baby out with the bath water" line, but in this case -- sheez. This one seems pretty cut & dried to me.


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I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
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RE: Have a situation that I don't know what to do with - 6/16/2009 2:58:56 PM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		Wow... I can't say what you need to do.  That is for you two to work out when he gets home.  But... he has lied to this woman and not told her that he is married and has a family.  I'm pretty sure she would have something to say about that seeing as though she has basically been lied to and devalued in that.

You and your husband made your choices and you will have to come to terms with that.  In your marital crisis, there is another woman who did nothing but open her heart and life to a man.  Where was her choice? 

You are going to have to tell your husband how you feel and settle things with him in a way that you both will be okay with.. hopefully, but he needs to get real with this woman so she can make her own choices.

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RE: Have a situation that I don't know what to do with - 6/16/2009 3:02:17 PM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		If it was me.......I would go tell her about my existance in person. While he is still there!

Then again, I wouldn't be in this position....


_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to Lockit)
Profile   Post #: 20
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