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Banned Friendships - 6/20/2009 5:10:57 AM

CatdeMedici

Posts: 2257
Joined: 10/20/2008
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One of the things I am always intrigued about is the "banned friendship" aspect that I see all too often in this life--now I get it if the friend or relative creates drama or destruction in the submissive, but banning contact with friends, relatives because... well what would be a reason to isolate a submissive from seemingly normal yet vanilla friends or for that matter other friends in the life be they D or s? The only answer I can come up with is insecurity---am I way off base?

I'd like some enlightenment...

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Post #: 1

RE: Banned Friendships - 6/20/2009 5:17:37 AM

naughtysubK

Posts: 62
Joined: 5/2/2004
Status: offline

I would think it has a little to do wth insecurity. Perhaps they might do it just because they think they can? Maybe a power trip/control freak thng

My former Dom and myself are still pretty close friends. I can't eve imagine that my current D-type person would ever demand that I cut off all contact with him or anyone else.

(in reply to CatdeMedici)

Post #: 2

RE: Banned Friendships - 6/20/2009 5:19:36 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Because the guy's a twit?
However it doesn't seem to be uncommon that if the female friend won't agree to have sex with the two of them, that's the reason. Not a good reason but after all a good guy wouldn't do these sorts of things.

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(in reply to CatdeMedici)

Post #: 3

RE: Banned Friendships - 6/20/2009 5:31:38 AM

oceanwinds

Posts: 530
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There is no logical reason to ban a friendship with a healthy friend. If this is ever presented to me, it would be a triple red flag to run. I cannot submit to an insecure twit. It gives the impression this person has very little if any control on themselves and how can I serve someone who doesn't?

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(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 4

RE: Banned Friendships - 6/20/2009 5:32:33 AM

IronBear

Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
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I see this as being more to do with the insecurity of the Dominant including a marked lack of self esteem that it is to do with the security of either the sub/slave or the relationship. In a few cases where it is evident that the friend is unable to handle the D/s or M/s relationship and starts working to cause a rift, that interfering person should legitimately banned.

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

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(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 5

RE: Banned Friendships - 6/20/2009 5:42:00 AM

cromaH

Posts: 25
Joined: 6/18/2009
From: Hungary
Status: offline

I have enormous bad luck I found a magnificent mistress finally who hates the prohibition of the befriending but she is not willing to speak with strangers, with married man and with ones under 45 years. I belong into all three groups unfortunately... C’est la vie!

_____________________________

navigare nescesse est vivere non...

(in reply to CatdeMedici)

Post #: 6

RE: Banned Friendships - 6/20/2009 5:57:24 AM

subtlebutterfly

Posts: 2230
Joined: 6/15/2008
From: Not your hood
Status: offline

Extreme greed, possessiveness, jealousy and as you mentioned.. insecurity

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(in reply to cromaH)

Post #: 7

RE: Banned Friendships - 6/20/2009 6:05:37 AM

gentlemanprince

Posts: 127
Joined: 5/19/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: oceanwinds

There is no logical reason to ban a friendship with a healthy friend. If this is ever presented to me, it would be a triple red flag to run. I cannot submit to an insecure twit. It gives the impression this person has very little if any control on themselves and how can I serve someone who doesn't?

Absolutely. Run for the nearest exit; there is something very wrong with the relationship.

(in reply to oceanwinds)

Post #: 8

RE: Banned Friendships - 6/20/2009 6:11:28 AM

OrionTheWolf

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Joined: 10/11/2006
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Besides the friend being detrimental in some way, the only other valid reason I would have would be isolation during the training period. I am not about to try and guess the why's. My girl's former owner isolated her, but he was likely a sociopath as he did some other very violent and extreme things as well.

I believe that friendships, and healthy relationships with family actually create an atmosphere of better balance for my slave.

quote:

ORIGINAL: CatdeMedici

One of the things I am always intrigued about is the "banned friendship" aspect that I see all too often in this life--now I get it if the friend or relative creates drama or destruction in the submissive, but banning contact with friends, relatives because... well what would be a reason to isolate a submissive from seemingly normal yet vanilla friends or for that matter other friends in the life be they D or s? The only answer I can come up with is insecurity---am I way off base?

I'd like some enlightenment...

_____________________________

When speaking of slaves people always tend to ignore this definition "One who is abjectly subservient to a specified person or influence."

(in reply to CatdeMedici)

Post #: 9

RE: Banned Friendships - 6/20/2009 6:51:38 AM

LATEXBABY64

Posts: 2107
Joined: 4/8/2004
Status: offline

run forest run

(in reply to OrionTheWolf)

Post #: 10

RE: Banned Friendships - 6/20/2009 7:05:14 AM

susie

Posts: 1699
Joined: 11/21/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: IronBear

I see this as being more to do with the insecurity of the Dominant including a marked lack of self esteem that it is to do with the security of either the sub/slave or the relationship.

I agree. My Master is aware of the fact that I use a couple of chat rooms (we are looking for something specific) and that I quite often come across and chat to other dominant men. He has no issue with the fact that I chat to men as we are both secure enough in our relationship for us to know there is no threat.

I know there are probably a couple of my friends that he is not too keen on, just as there are a couple of his I have not taken to, but he would never stop me seeing them or contacting them.

(in reply to IronBear)

Post #: 11

RE: Banned Friendships - 6/20/2009 7:08:12 AM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
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It's not something I understand unless it was for the better. Friends taking advantage of someone that cannot easily say no, friends involved in negative/dangerous/illegal activities like drugs, etc. Just two things that would give me reason.

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Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to CatdeMedici)

Post #: 12

RE: Banned Friendships - 6/20/2009 7:15:07 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

I know some people who have DID. There are some people who, while mostly healthy, have caused serious issues with some of their personalities.

One of them, who I'll call Flower, met a local Dom who seemed friendly and helpful. Once, when she as alone with him, she felt like he was coming on to her, which frightened her based on her background. If some of her personalities had been attached to him, it would have been difficult for her to stay away but would have been necessary.

The short answer - it is necessary to ban others IF contact with them causes a bad reaction in my sub AND she will not quit seeing them on her own for one reason or another.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to LATEXBABY64)

Post #: 13

RE: Banned Friendships - 6/20/2009 8:20:04 AM

daddysprop247

Posts: 1712
Joined: 6/24/2005
From: DC Metro area
Status: offline

there are many legitimate reasons why a Master may isolate their sub or slave from prior friends or even relatives. most often it is because the person in the submissive's life is or would be a bad influence on the D/s or M/s relationship. this doesn't necessarily mean the person is dangerous, destructive, or anything nearly so extreme...it could be simply that they disapprove of the relationship, do not support it, and hence disturbing the peace.

it is also not uncommon for a Master of a slave to isolate them from all former friends, family, acquaintances, etc. during a period of training or conditioning, as mentioned by Orion. this is what my Master did to me for more than a year in the early part of our union. afterward the people allowed into my life (even those known previously) and the relationships i had with those people was kept strictly under my Master's control. some were permanently banned. and even for those who meet his approval and who are generally positive or neutral influences, my contact with them is kept to a minimum. this is because my Master does not want a slave who has a life outside of a life with him...he does not want me mentally shifting from one world to another. He does not want the priorities in my life confused. He is my life, he is my priority, and the fact that i no longer have any close ties to others helps significantly to maintain this.

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 14

RE: Banned Friendships - 6/20/2009 8:33:14 AM

CallaFirestormBW

Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline

It is not uncommon to isolate an individual during an early training program that requires a great deal of focus. The military does it overtly, by restricting recruits to specific areas and forbidding them from bringing mates, romantic interests, families, and/or children, etc., to basic training. Seminaries (even in faith-trees other than Catholicism) do the same, requiring new students to live -on campus- in the dormitories and restricting their activities to those undertaken with classmates. Many spiritual teachers in Buddhism, Taoism, and even some martial-arts instructors restrict their student's access to outside influences. Even coaches for high-intensity athletes restrict social contacts outside of those that will allow the athlete to focus completely on hir training.

Our household restricts access for new trainees who are full-time, live-in servants. We do it for the same reasons as those listed above... in early training, we want to have complete control over the time and training of the servant-in-training. I prefer that xhe not come here, take a lesson, and then take the risk that some outside influence will throw hir off course. I also want to be able to control my trainee's schedules and make sure they're getting enough rest, spending enough time in practice of their new-found skills, and spending time in consideration of the changes they're making in their lives.

Typically, I would only restrict access for these fully-immersed servants for 4-6 weeks, while they're working out the new pattern of their lives, and then they'd go back to being able to meet with friends/family, according to their scheduled availability. Per the OP, this post doesn't address issues where an outside relationship is toxic -- those are handled completely differently.

Dame Calla

< Message edited by CallaFirestormBW -- 6/20/2009 8:34:33 AM >

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(in reply to CatdeMedici)

Post #: 15

RE: Banned Friendships - 6/20/2009 8:51:18 AM

Racquelle

Posts: 600
Joined: 4/21/2008
Status: offline

I just flat out don't have the energy to restrict things like outside friendships. The Boy has a couple of friends I don't care for, but he is much more critical of them than I am. Isolating people from friends and family is a tactic frequently used by cults. They do it because it makes the person more dependent on the cult. I suppose it works that way for dominants too. Much of what we do as "play" in our realm looks very bad from the outside. I am not fond of trying to mold or remake a sub by dismantling the psyche. Some are. I would examine the motives of the dominant before I said it was all bad.

(in reply to CallaFirestormBW)

Post #: 16

RE: Banned Friendships - 6/20/2009 10:43:01 AM

cromaH

Posts: 25
Joined: 6/18/2009
From: Hungary
Status: offline

Dear subtlebutterfly, You are right Ms. Awesome of mine I deserve that you should be my stones in no case. An old anecdote occurred to me what’s happened to Mr. Churchill. The case happened far back in the past, when the women did not have elective franchise. The extremely conservative politician declaimed enthusiastically against the female emancipation to get the right for women to vote in one of his electoral speeches. A very indignant suffragette shouted to him: “If you would be my husbands I would mix poison into your coffee of the breakfast.” Mr. Churchill interrupted his speech well looked at the lady and he sounded so: “Ma'am, if you would be my wife I would drink it up too.”

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navigare nescesse est vivere non...

(in reply to Racquelle)

Post #: 17

RE: Banned Friendships - 6/20/2009 10:53:43 AM

slaveeos

Posts: 1
Joined: 5/10/2009
Status: offline

Recently a Dom on here threw a fit because I decided not to take my friends off my list. He did not care if I had female submissives. But no Dom's or males. I stood up to him about this. Telling him after I thought about it, I did not want to just delete my friends on here.
Also, the Dom wanted pictures of me and two of my girlfriends that I hang out with in real life. That was a little weird.
But, I explained to him, this is on-line.... and that is where I drew the line. He was a jerk about it and did not even want to talk about it.

But, you know what. If it is not in real time and just on-line I see no problem in having friends. As, long as it does not get in the way.
In real time, I might think it would be needed for a very short time. If ever.

I think it seeps of real insecurity when a Dom (wannabe) wants to control a on-line page... Just my opinion.

Eos

~To Thine Own Self Be True~

(in reply to cromaH)

Post #: 18

RE: Banned Friendships - 6/20/2009 11:12:54 AM

NihilusZero

Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

While a blanket desire to isolate a sub from friends can generally be suspicious, keep in mind that concepts such as "healthy" and "harmless" are entirely subjective. I've found unacceptable and underhanded behavior in individuals that many others seemed readily complacent to or accepting of.

Realistically, this shouldn't even be an issue since at the moment the sub has chosen to devote themselves they've presumably done so with the feeling that their D-type makes competent decisions which may possibly even conflict with those they'd make themselves.

< Message edited by NihilusZero -- 6/20/2009 11:13:58 AM >

_____________________________

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I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame."
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(in reply to slaveeos)

Post #: 19

RE: Banned Friendships - 6/20/2009 11:26:35 AM

sblady

Posts: 433
Joined: 9/28/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: susie

I agree. My Master is aware of the fact that I use a couple of chat rooms (we are looking for something specific) and that I quite often come across and chat to other dominant men. He has no issue with the fact that I chat to men as we are both secure enough in our relationship for us to know there is no threat.

I know there are probably a couple of my friends that he is not too keen on, just as there are a couple of his I have not taken to, but he would never stop me seeing them or contacting them.

This is almost exactly the type of relationship I have with my Sir. Some of the people I chatted with in the past didn't care for my relationship. I continued to chat with one person in particular but eventually his negativity regarding a lot of things, including my relationship pissed me off. I stopped talking to him.

A couple of weeks ago, I mentioned something to my Sir and He said "I don't know why I dislike that guy so much". If I'd had any idea He disliked the guy that much, I would have honestly stopped talking to him (the guy, not my Sir) ages ago. But, I'm glad He allowed me to make the decision. Sometimes forbidden fruit is that much more tempting, ya know?

< Message edited by sblady -- 6/20/2009 11:28:25 AM >

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Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values. Dalai Lama

(in reply to susie)

Post #: 20

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