quote:

I think the real issue (for ME, not for everyone) at the moment is TPE and what it entails. As a few people have explained to me in the past, TPE means that the Dom has all power and control to overrule anything the Sub says, safewords are meaningless and the Sub is unable to leave the relationship. I'm a little squeemish about this, just because of the type of person I am in my personal life. I'm quieter, more reserved, a little shy, I would say submissive, but on certain things I am fiercely independent, even just for the sake of being independent. That nature in me just doesn't jive with the idea of hard restrictions on my behaviour.

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ORIGINAL: aLittleKitten

I'm brand new, and being here for less than 48 hours has really given my head a spin in regards to what I thought the BDSM Community was actually about.

Let me elaborate.

The idea of 24 / 7. As a newbie to the scene, and someone with limited experience, I'd only heard it occasionally, sort of laughed out a little by writers and people I'd talked to. The idea of complete power exchange forever and always, every day, in all aspects of life seemed kind of ludicrous to someone like me.

Not so, says the first few messages to stream into my account. Despite a disclaimer saying I was not interested, messages about how these Doms were interested in controlling every single aspect of my life, down to what colour my toenails were and my performance at work came in.

Is the joke on me? Is this what the community really is? It's a little disconcerting, to say the least. I'm sure it works for some, but I thought a lot of the appeal of BDSM was calculated loss of control in fantasy (realistic, but still Cops and Robbers with your pants off) with equality of both parties simply put aside for the duration of play. The term "play" also indicates this. The whole concept of a safeword, etc doesn't seem to jive with the idea that you've completely agreed to give all agency to your Dom.

The idea of 24/7 gives me the kneejerk reaction of hiding behind BDSM when you're in reality someone who doesn't see your partner as an equal, or someone with the ability to make their own decisions.

I wrote a journal entry about it, but I want to discuss. Polite, please. I am only reacting here, I clearly don't have all the answers and am looking for guidance and information.

quote:

Not so, says the first few messages to stream into my account. Despite a disclaimer saying I was not interested, messages about how these Doms were interested in controlling every single aspect of my life, down to what colour my toenails were and my performance at work came in.

quote:

ORIGINAL: aLittleKitten

I'm brand new, and being here for less than 48 hours has really given my head a spin in regards to what I thought the BDSM Community was actually about.

Let me elaborate.

The idea of 24 / 7. As a newbie to the scene, and someone with limited experience, I'd only heard it occasionally, sort of laughed out a little by writers and people I'd talked to. The idea of complete power exchange forever and always, every day, in all aspects of life seemed kind of ludicrous to someone like me.

Not so, says the first few messages to stream into my account. Despite a disclaimer saying I was not interested, messages about how these Doms were interested in controlling every single aspect of my life, down to what colour my toenails were and my performance at work came in.

Is the joke on me? Is this what the community really is? It's a little disconcerting, to say the least. I'm sure it works for some, but I thought a lot of the appeal of BDSM was calculated loss of control in fantasy (realistic, but still Cops and Robbers with your pants off) with equality of both parties simply put aside for the duration of play. The term "play" also indicates this. The whole concept of a safeword, etc doesn't seem to jive with the idea that you've completely agreed to give all agency to your Dom.

The idea of 24/7 gives me the kneejerk reaction of hiding behind BDSM when you're in reality someone who doesn't see your partner as an equal, or someone with the ability to make their own decisions.

I wrote a journal entry about it, but I want to discuss. Polite, please. I am only reacting here, I clearly don't have all the answers and am looking for guidance and information.

quote:

ORIGINAL: aLittleKitten

The idea of 24 / 7. As a newbie to the scene, and someone with limited experience, I'd only heard it occasionally, sort of laughed out a little by writers and people I'd talked to. The idea of complete power exchange forever and always, every day, in all aspects of life seemed kind of ludicrous to someone like me.

quote:

ORIGINAL: aLittleKitten
Not so, says the first few messages to stream into my account. Despite a disclaimer saying I was not interested, messages about how these Doms were interested in controlling every single aspect of my life, down to what colour my toenails were and my performance at work came in.

quote:

ORIGINAL: aLittleKitten
Is the joke on me? Is this what the community really is? It's a little disconcerting, to say the least. I'm sure it works for some, but I thought a lot of the appeal of BDSM was calculated loss of control in fantasy (realistic, but still Cops and Robbers with your pants off) with equality of both parties simply put aside for the duration of play. The term "play" also indicates this. The whole concept of a safeword, etc doesn't seem to jive with the idea that you've completely agreed to give all agency to your Dom.

quote:

ORIGINAL: aLittleKitten
The idea of 24/7 gives me the kneejerk reaction of hiding behind BDSM when you're in reality someone who doesn't see your partner as an equal, or someone with the ability to make their own decisions.

quote:

when you're in reality someone who doesn't see your partner as an equal,

quote:

ORIGINAL: aLittleKitten

I think the real issue (for ME, not for everyone) at the moment is TPE and what it entails. As a few people have explained to me in the past, TPE means that the Dom has all power and control to overrule anything the Sub says, safewords are meaningless and the Sub is unable to leave the relationship. I'm a little squeemish about this, just because of the type of person I am in my personal life. I'm quieter, more reserved, a little shy, I would say submissive, but on certain things I am fiercely independent, even just for the sake of being independent. That nature in me just doesn't jive with the idea of hard restrictions on my behaviour.

quote:

ORIGINAL: aLittleKitten

Now, let me tell a little story. When I first started fielding people for possible BDSM style play a year ago (read "play", I only intended for sessions and explicitly said this) someone who came across as knowledgeable and trustworthy (A Doctor, even) claimed to understand those limits and restrictions, and we had many conversations online and on the phone about this and he seemed incredibly understanding and accepting. He was older, and was very intelligent. Years of experience in the scene, many Subs before, yadda yadda. We never once brought up TPE or 24/7. To be honest, I didn't have much of an idea what it was at the time. So, we meet for the first time, neutral location, and we hit it off well enough, but we'd negotiated no play on the first meeting, or first several meetings. He invited me back to his place for a movie, which was in walking distance of mine anyways so I wasn't worried, and he reminded me that there was no play to be had.

Well, long story short the second the door shut and he tries to make a pass at me, he springs on me that I'm his property now, that if I was actually interested in kink I clearly wanted this, etc, and I had to get up and walk out the door. If I hadn't done that at the moment I did I don't know what would have happened.

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ORIGINAL: aLittleKitten

Now, clearly, I know I was in the wrong for going to his place in the first place without much more communication, etc. But the whole experience has really tainted me.